#2: Raid on the Rhyme
This is an interesting story told mostly in rhyme, and partly in what is left to be inferred. It did NOT go where I expected. After the three first verses, I expected the ending would turn this into a dead tyrant poem, but the final verse didn't bring clarity.
I've got only two real complaints, and the first is the lies/misery rhyme in the first verse. Both the ending vowel and the -es ending together makes it a bit hard to swallow, so I would have preferred lie/misery, which would change the meaning by making one of the participatings a secret lie (perhaps taking part under false pretenses, perhaps something else) and made it more intriguing, or lies/miseries, either of which would make it scan slightly better by only making the reader deal with one violation.
The second being the shirts/dirt in the final verse, which borders on the plain awful, but certainly makes the reader wonder, not only because of the plural issue, but just how can holes fill a shirt? And possibly also tears, since this being written rather than spoken, the reader might well imagine it was moisture from weeping rather than the shirts being torn, especially because nobody, and I mean nobody, would ever say that something was filled with that kind of tears.
I contend that unless the intention of the lines is that one should imagine shirts that aren't there (being filled with holes) which nevertheless suck up an enormous amount of moisture from the weeping of their wearers, perhaps one of these two would do better:
Betrayal we could not avert // OR, if the invocation of graphic violence is important,
Broken bodies' blood did squirt // Going large ham here, try reading that in Brian Blessed's voice
)
Ending with "lie within the dirt" works, but could perhaps be better. If they are unquit dead screaming every night, then there are much better options than this, whereas if the screaming is over and done and they are resting peacefully, it more traditional rest would perhaps be in order. So how about
Though dead we suffer under dirt. // for the unquiet dead option; needs more work, but good enough for government work
Now dead we rest within the dirt. // for the more traditional option
Or something like that, if the dirt ending is important.
ANYHOW, well done writing in verse. I approve.
There's just one more thing to say, really. Not a complaint as such, but still, it bears mentioning: The reader might rightfully wonder what this poem has to do with raiding a secret archive. The connection isn't obvious.
GUESS THE AUTHOR: The obvious guess would be me, except I already claimed that I wrote 6, so it would be ridiculous for me to claim that I wrote this one too. I'll blame @HistoryDude instead.
Remaining criticism coming up tomorrow, just need finishing touches.
This is an interesting story told mostly in rhyme, and partly in what is left to be inferred. It did NOT go where I expected. After the three first verses, I expected the ending would turn this into a dead tyrant poem, but the final verse didn't bring clarity.
I've got only two real complaints, and the first is the lies/misery rhyme in the first verse. Both the ending vowel and the -es ending together makes it a bit hard to swallow, so I would have preferred lie/misery, which would change the meaning by making one of the participatings a secret lie (perhaps taking part under false pretenses, perhaps something else) and made it more intriguing, or lies/miseries, either of which would make it scan slightly better by only making the reader deal with one violation.
The second being the shirts/dirt in the final verse, which borders on the plain awful, but certainly makes the reader wonder, not only because of the plural issue, but just how can holes fill a shirt? And possibly also tears, since this being written rather than spoken, the reader might well imagine it was moisture from weeping rather than the shirts being torn, especially because nobody, and I mean nobody, would ever say that something was filled with that kind of tears.
I contend that unless the intention of the lines is that one should imagine shirts that aren't there (being filled with holes) which nevertheless suck up an enormous amount of moisture from the weeping of their wearers, perhaps one of these two would do better:
Betrayal we could not avert // OR, if the invocation of graphic violence is important,
Broken bodies' blood did squirt // Going large ham here, try reading that in Brian Blessed's voice
)Ending with "lie within the dirt" works, but could perhaps be better. If they are unquit dead screaming every night, then there are much better options than this, whereas if the screaming is over and done and they are resting peacefully, it more traditional rest would perhaps be in order. So how about
Though dead we suffer under dirt. // for the unquiet dead option; needs more work, but good enough for government work
Now dead we rest within the dirt. // for the more traditional option
Or something like that, if the dirt ending is important.
ANYHOW, well done writing in verse. I approve.
There's just one more thing to say, really. Not a complaint as such, but still, it bears mentioning: The reader might rightfully wonder what this poem has to do with raiding a secret archive. The connection isn't obvious.
GUESS THE AUTHOR: The obvious guess would be me, except I already claimed that I wrote 6, so it would be ridiculous for me to claim that I wrote this one too. I'll blame @HistoryDude instead.
Remaining criticism coming up tomorrow, just need finishing touches.
