#1: The Most Impossible Raid on a Secret Archive
A warning up front. The following is going to be more harsh than the writer probably deserves.
I like what the story attempts and find much of it well written, but at the same time there are so
many small things that detract from the whole for me, things I consider unforced errors that possibly only a nitpicker like me might find annoying.
They aren't problems of language, but of logic, and it is entirely likely that most readers wouldn't notice them, and frankly some of them only occur to me because once I start getting the feeling that
something isn't right I start paying more attention to logic than is common.
Some of them would not be problems at all, were there a line or two making things more explicit, since they
could be examples of this reader simply making the wrong guess based on what is written rather than author error.
So what do I mean by that. Let me walk you through the first paragraphs.
The mausoleum stood alone in the desert. The old structure, made from stone, was so weathered that it blended into the surroundings, barely discernable from the neighboring piles of rock and dirt. Facing west, a single round arch marked the entrance. The words etched into the stone archway proclaimed a threat: Whosoever disturbs my tomb shall face a greater and more terrible foe than myself.
A group of four people stood back to back, looking at their grim surroundings and keeping the Mausoleum at a safe distance. The foursome shivered. Even though the sun was high in the sky, this place was cold, very cold. The group was on edge, waiting.
“You answered my summons. Excellent.”
The voice seemed to come from nowhere. The four companions reacted without hesitation. They turned in place and took aim. Wands, staffs, enchanted gauntlets, and other magical weapons pointed into the dark shadows extending away from the mausoleum.
One member of the group took a step forward, projecting her voice into the shadows:
“You lied to us. You sent Oighear to his death!”
The woman aimed her dowsing rod at the mausoleum, then back toward the darkness in front of her. As if scurrying away from a deadly predator, the shadows retreated, flooding the space with cold daylight. A man stepped out of the stone wall, keeping his Feldspar wand aimed at the ground. The other three people stood behind the woman, aiming their wands threateningly at the newcomer.
“Uisce, I am no traitor.” He said. “You know that better than everyone else. Have I ever done anything to harm you? Or the Cause? When have I failed to raise my hand against the enemy?”
Uisce did a double-take, casting her gaze at the nearby mausoleum before looking back at the fifth man.
We've got a timeworn mausoleum. A desert that is cold during daytime, the Sun clearly failing to live up to its obligations, or, perhaps, doing its level best in competition with a refrigerated tomb.
(Eldritch Cold(tm))
We've got dark shadows extending from the tomb (presumably the light shadows were otherwise occupied), four people standing back to back a safe distance from the tomb turn to face those shadows, and then turn to face somebody within those shadows, while somehow simulaneously not facing the tomb, since pointing a dousing rod at this somebody and pointing at the tomb is a different direction.
Which would be understandable if they were close to the tomb and the sunlight came from the side, and the mysterious speaker in the darkness was at a considerable distance off to the side, perhaps, but presents a slightly annoying scenario of positioning.
Since the person stepped out of a stone wall, the only stone wall in the vicinity being the tomb's, and is standing in front of them.
Which interestingly enough means that these people were both a) standing at a safe distanct of the tomb to being with, and b) close enough to have a conversation in a normal tone of voice with somebody walking out of it, without having moved closer to the tomb, or facing it. Except when they did.
But forget about that.
The reader can be forgiven for being distracted from the gripping narrative to ask exactly four people were standing back to back, yet all four of them had to turn to face the shadow. Were they standing in a huddle facing outwards in four directions, with at least one person facing approximately the right direction to see the tomb and thus alerting the others when the shadows extended from the tomb, then doing a minor shuffle while the other turned?
Or were they standing in two pairs, the pairs being back to back and thus facing mainlyy two directions but having close to 360 degree coverage taking peripheral vision into account, and had perhaps to perform up to a 90 degrees turn for one pair, up to (180-first_pair degree) for the other?
Frankly, it doesn't matter. A a reader I cannot help to wonder why they would be standing back to back as they also stand safely back from the tomb in the first place, unless they were expecting an attack from any direction at any time, but there is nothing in the story to support this, so why were they standing back to back? And why am I wasting time wondering about this seemingly minor issue distracts from what is perhaps the greatest mystery of the early parts of the story, namely:
How many arms do these people have?
It is a reasonable question. Between them, the mysterious foursome are pointing at least 3 wands, 2 staffs, 2 enchanted gauntlets, and 2 other magical weapons, one of which may be dousing rod, or perhaps the dousing rod is separate from the weapons and carried in another hand. And we know that the three of them who are not Uisce have (at least) a wand each.
Now, granted, it is hard pointing a weapon at somebody without also pointing your gauntlets at that person, so for all I know the author's intention to convey that that one of them wields a wand for zapping while wearing two enchanted gauntlets providing automatic fire support, while two are wielding a staff and a wand each, and the fourth, Uisce, is wielding the dousing rod and some other magic weapon. Or some other combination that explains their at least 9 weapons, of which they are capable of pointing at least 8 at once.
Then, once they've identified the man, Uisce aims the dousing rod at him, while the other three only aim their wands?
So given that this story is clearly akin to magical action movies with people loaded for bear, probably equipping themselves in an slow-motion arming montage in a previous scene, why aren't they pointing with those other weapons any longer, now that they actually have a target? Are they afraid of overkill?
THIS IS WHERE I STOP BEING SARCASTIC.
Dear author. You didn't deserve this, and I apologize. But there are so many small issues here, that you would undoubtedly have caught in a revision.
If you want to communicate that people are facing a common threat from one direction, have them stand shoulder to shoulder to signal solidarity if it isn't impractical.
If they are facing possible imminent threat from any direction, uncertain of when and where it'll materialize, have them stand back to back to signal how they are trying to limit their extreme vulnerability. This is usually most practical for two people, as the logisitics get complicated the more people are involved.
But if you've been careful to place them at a safe distance from whatever threat is nearby, and don't communicate other threats, it is going to feel a bit strange for many readers.
And if you make a point of people having many and varied weapons, don't forget about these weapons when the people get down to business.
The shadows direction, extent, and location of the people conversing... I expect it is only extreme nitpickers like me, who would see as a problem, though.
But enough about those opening lines, let's get down to business with Uisce's magic.
Uisce knelt in front of the others and stabbed the sandy ground with her dowsing rod. With a great rushing noise, towering figures made of muddy brown water emerged from the desert floor. The water pillars shaped themselves to look like people, and once they took form, the apparitions commenced a re-enactment of the events that took place three days ago:
This is good. I would have preferred something a little different, emphasizing how the water rises in pillars that gradually transform, rather than telling that they rise as figures (so already looking like people?), then the pillars transform to look like people, as I think that flows better. Let me try to show what I mean.
Uisce knelt in front of the others and stabbed the sandy ground with her dowsing rod. Muddy brown water began flowing from the ground in front of her, first in a trickle, then in a rush, and with a great gushing noise the nascent river split and erupted from the desert floor in several pillars. Then Uisce spoke softly, beseeching the desert to give up its secrets, and the pillars towering above her flowed into the forms of humans as they commenced a re-enactment of the events three days past.
Or something like that.
Now, the next part is hard to criticize, as I like the water elemental reenacment scene, but it has a few problems...
A man named Oighear approached the mausoleum with a party of magical warriors behind him. They drew their wands and prepared to storm the foreboding structure. Oighear turned to his companions and said: “Remember Cloch’s orders. Touch nothing except the Holy Relic. We must remain undetected. Now follow me.”
Oighear led his companions through the archway and into the mausoleum. There was a series of loud noises, and a few moments later, a different group of people appeared. A party of men emerged from the mausoleum, dragging the corpses of Oighear and his companions behind them. The bodies were thrown in a heap, and one of the strange men pointed his wand at the dead, who erupted into flames. He said: “Let this be a lesson to Cloch and his ilk. This war is over now, and I will tolerate no further resistance.”
Where did its auditory component come from? The listeners hear not only the conversation that took place three days ago, and perhaps the water elementals could replicate that, but the listeners also hear loud noises from the tomb in the vision... Are we to assume that the water elementals went into the tomb and began banging on the walls, or something?
And while I am at it, how did the water elementals recreate the scene with some of them playing dead and erupting in flames? I applaud their acting skill even as I wonder just how they managed to carry it off convincingly.
Now, on to my next nitpick.
“Uisce, You will enter the mausoleum. Bring me whatever you find in the crypt. Your companions will stand outside with me to guard your escape.”
She turned back to look at her companions.
“I do not like this any more than you, but I will not go against Oighear.” Talamh said.
She bade goodbye to her companions and stepped underneath the arch. In moments, the sunlight was behind and entered Uisce the mausoleum.
Something has gone wrong with that final statement. Probably the intention was something along the lines of
In moments the sunlight was behind her, and Uisce entered the mausoleum. Or better yet,
In moments Uisce entered the mausoleum, leaving the sunlight behind.
But that nitpick apart, a greater wonder is revealed in the preceding statement:
- Uisce and her group started out standing a safe distance from the tomb
- They have not moved from that spot prior to this
- The arch marks the western entrance to the tomb
- The actual entrance, as it only takes moments from passing underneath it before you are in the tomb
- So it is definitely not a case of, “pass beneath the arch on the path leading to the western entrance to the tomb quite some way-away
- Uisce steps underneath the arch from where they are standing around
This raises serious questions as to exactly what was considered to be a “safe distance” in the first place. They are practically touching it!
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Okay, about that tomb exploration... I have nothing to complain about. Honestly, I don't.
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Finding Nathan from Brooklyn, and the ending, however, I do. Simply put, I don't understand what the author is hinting at, or aiming for, or how, exactly, it relates to the
Whosoever disturbs my tomb shall face a greater and more terrible foe than myself warning.
Now, as somebody guilty of writing open-ended GTA entries or entries with very strange endings on more than one occasion (
this gem from 2006 probably taking the prize for the weirdest), the following should rightly be considered the kettle calling the pot black, but even so...
What was Cloch up to?
What's the deal with Nathan?
What happened to the people Uisce meets afer leaving the tomb? Are they even the same people she left, or is something else going on?
Why should I care?
Why do I feel that the story neither provides any sense of closure, nor leaves me with an interesting mystery, but mainly confusion?
Was the mausoleum an archive, and the holy relic a record of some sort?
If not, why were they seeking a holy relic in a mausoleum, when the topic was raiding a secret archive?
GUESS THE AUTHOR: For no better reason than that I quite like what is attempted in this fantasy entry, and find much of it well written, yet the actual execution annoys me due to performing what I consider mostly small missteps, I guess
@Avernite, since that has also been the case for some of his previous attempts at fantasy.
