Chapter 1
I wake up, freezing, cold air burning my lungs, bleary-eyed and hung over, staring up at snow-covered trees and a grey, cloudy morning sky. I sit up, my body aching from lying on hard, naked forest floor and wait, why the hell am I waking up outside? And where am I?
As much as it hurts, I try to recall what happened last night. I met some friends at Sparky's, our local watering hole. I talked to a cute girl, we had a couple of drinks... everything after that is foggy. I look around. Nothing but giant fir trees... are these fir trees? I don't know, I'm not a tree expert. They look like the biggest Christmas trees I've ever seen.
Pictured: some kind of trees.
I figure I passed out at some point and Bruce and Toby are playing some kind of prank on me, hiding somewhere a few yards away.
"Hello?" I shout, annoyed, and my head rings at the sound of my own yelling. "Ha ha, very funny, good joke, guys."
But it doesn't snow in Santa Monica, so they, what, drove four hours out to Mammoth? And then dragged me out into the middle of the woods? Those guys aren't that motivated or in any kind of shape to carry me more than a few yards, but I don't see a road nearby.
I check the back pocket of my jeans for my phone, thankfully still there, to look at GPS and see where the heck I am. It's battery life is at 15% and there's no signal, so I shut it off in case I need to use it later.
"Hello?" I shout again, and I can hear the fear ringing at my own voice. I have no idea where I am, I feel like crap, I'm nauseous, I'm dehydrated, I'm wearing nothing but a Sonic Youth t-shirt and jeans and it's so cold my teeth won't stop chattering and I might die of hypothermia because my friends decided to play a stupid joke on me. I check my pockets for anything that might be useful. Wallet, check, ID, credit cards and the spare cash I carry around accounted for. Car keys, check. Leatherman tool looped around my belt like a dork, check. I fish in my front pockets and find something crumpled up, a bar napkin with some writing on it.
"Welcome to your new life, Dan. Make the most of it. -- Sasha"
I stare stupidly at the cocktail napkin before stuffing it back in my pocket. Sasha, wasn't that the girl last night? A sharp pain splits my head as I try to remember, and survival instinct and rising panic kick in and spur me forward.
"HELLO? HELLO?" I start yelling despite the pain, walking forward, looking for signs of anything but trees and mountains and snow. If I stay here, I'm going to die. I need shelter, and food, and water. Is it safe to eat snow for the water? I think it's safe.
I hear a muffled shout in the distance, definitely human. Oh Jesus, oh thank God, I repeat to myself even though I'm the opposite of religious. I start heading towards the voices and hear the echo of multiple somethings trampling through the forest from a ways off.
"HELLO? HELLO? I NEED HELP!" I keep yelling. I break into a run, keeping waves of nausea at bay. I swear, I'm going to kill Bruce and Toby when I see them. More shouting in return, closer this time, although I can't make out what they're saying, and I hear the increased sound of trampling heading quickly towards me. That sounds like... horses? They ride horses out here? I come to a clearing when I see them come out of the trees.
Like these guys, but they're real and not actors on A&E and it's snowing and they're on horses. Look, use your imagination.
What the f**k.
As much as it hurts, I try to recall what happened last night. I met some friends at Sparky's, our local watering hole. I talked to a cute girl, we had a couple of drinks... everything after that is foggy. I look around. Nothing but giant fir trees... are these fir trees? I don't know, I'm not a tree expert. They look like the biggest Christmas trees I've ever seen.
Pictured: some kind of trees.
I figure I passed out at some point and Bruce and Toby are playing some kind of prank on me, hiding somewhere a few yards away.
"Hello?" I shout, annoyed, and my head rings at the sound of my own yelling. "Ha ha, very funny, good joke, guys."
But it doesn't snow in Santa Monica, so they, what, drove four hours out to Mammoth? And then dragged me out into the middle of the woods? Those guys aren't that motivated or in any kind of shape to carry me more than a few yards, but I don't see a road nearby.
I check the back pocket of my jeans for my phone, thankfully still there, to look at GPS and see where the heck I am. It's battery life is at 15% and there's no signal, so I shut it off in case I need to use it later.
"Hello?" I shout again, and I can hear the fear ringing at my own voice. I have no idea where I am, I feel like crap, I'm nauseous, I'm dehydrated, I'm wearing nothing but a Sonic Youth t-shirt and jeans and it's so cold my teeth won't stop chattering and I might die of hypothermia because my friends decided to play a stupid joke on me. I check my pockets for anything that might be useful. Wallet, check, ID, credit cards and the spare cash I carry around accounted for. Car keys, check. Leatherman tool looped around my belt like a dork, check. I fish in my front pockets and find something crumpled up, a bar napkin with some writing on it.
"Welcome to your new life, Dan. Make the most of it. -- Sasha"
I stare stupidly at the cocktail napkin before stuffing it back in my pocket. Sasha, wasn't that the girl last night? A sharp pain splits my head as I try to remember, and survival instinct and rising panic kick in and spur me forward.
"HELLO? HELLO?" I start yelling despite the pain, walking forward, looking for signs of anything but trees and mountains and snow. If I stay here, I'm going to die. I need shelter, and food, and water. Is it safe to eat snow for the water? I think it's safe.
I hear a muffled shout in the distance, definitely human. Oh Jesus, oh thank God, I repeat to myself even though I'm the opposite of religious. I start heading towards the voices and hear the echo of multiple somethings trampling through the forest from a ways off.
"HELLO? HELLO? I NEED HELP!" I keep yelling. I break into a run, keeping waves of nausea at bay. I swear, I'm going to kill Bruce and Toby when I see them. More shouting in return, closer this time, although I can't make out what they're saying, and I hear the increased sound of trampling heading quickly towards me. That sounds like... horses? They ride horses out here? I come to a clearing when I see them come out of the trees.
Like these guys, but they're real and not actors on A&E and it's snowing and they're on horses. Look, use your imagination.
What the f**k.
- 2