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For your next question, Sigurd, perhaps unsurprisingly, the majority of question we've received concern the half-Bødvar, ranging from the bewildered, to the disbelieving, to the hostile from members of the medical profession claiming you are single-handedly responsibly for the worldwide rise in the number of back injuries this spring, but the one thing they all have in common is a burning desire to know: How?
Frankly, I had expected that to be the first question.
AUDIENCE: LAUGHTER
It is no laughing matter. I am sorry to disappoint you on this, but I don't know how to perform it. Nobody does. It is a lost art. Apart from King Sverker's extensive diary, from which I made sure to include all pertinent details in Born to Breed: House of the Prophets, few references to the act exist, some of them dubious. Like the reference in the fourth prophet's poem Guilty Pleasures:
She flew through the air, her face bright and bold,
awaiting with glee, the pleasure foretold.
I readied my lance, like fell kings of old,
and speared her in flight, relieving my cold.
The fourth prophet wrote that???
The fourth is generally considered a better prophet than poet, and this is, I can fairly say without slandering my revered ancestor, nowhere near the worst. I am sure you see the problem. It could be a reference to the half-Bødvar, hunting birds to make soup against a cold, something else entirely, or mere drivel. In fact, were it not for Queen Ragnhild's edict complicating matters, historians would be tempted to dismiss the half-Bødvar as a myth or the creation of an overly imaginative mind; There is a minority opinion amongst my learned colleagues that Sverker was an unreliable narrator in his writings, writing not a diary in the modern sense of recording events faithfully, but as self-insert fiction based on his life and times, finding this the easiest explanation for the half-Bødvar as well as certain outrageous and highly unlikely events he narrates. There are also those who argue that the secret diaries of king Sverker are an outright fabrication from the early 14th century, but nobody listens to them.
Back up a bit, Sigurd, please. Which edict would that be?
High Queen Ragnhild the Great – surely you know of her - hated the half-Bødvar enough to put it on the proscribed weapons' list, banning its use against the faithful. Successfully too, one assumes, as there there are no references to it after her reign.
A proscribed weapon?
Yes. Which suggests that either Sverker was unusual in using it on friendly targets, that sensitivities had changed by her time, that the Queen in this, as in other matters, took a progressive view, or perhaps the Queen had personal experience and disliked it. Historians are divided on the issue. The proscription reads, ”It breaks the back in the fall, batters the gatehouse when the lance strikes true, and is a farce when it does not. Let henceforth this triple indignity be inflicted only on the Heathen and the Apostate.”
How very interesting, and I hope you don't take this wrong, but if I may play Loki's megaphone here for the medical profession, isn't that something that it might have been a good idea to warn your readers of.
AUDIENCE: BOOS.
I did warn them. It is clearly stated in footnote 42. But apparently a few readers failed to read the footnotes.
You can't say fairer than that. Thanks for the clarification. How about best guesses as to how? Asking for a friend.
Well, I did perform a few experiments as research for my book, but they were not, shall we say, fully satisfactory. I stand in good company. The family being what it is, the royal archives contain centuries of annotations and results of experiments made after the diary was discovered following the Great Fire of 1324, but all record failure and great agony. Well, all except one, and that's of no use.
So it was recreated? But lost again, presumably?
Probably not. You see, it was prince Rolf Rolf af Sigurd of Iceland, the 17th century prince who was so large they named him twice, who claimed complete success. His step-by-step guide to the act with illustrations is frankly ridiculous and would require clearly superhuman bedroom athletics even for the divinely inspired. Even were it not for the improbability of his guide, he's not considered a reliable source.
I'm afraid my knowledge of 17th century royalty leaves something to be desired. Why isn't he considered reliable?
He was one of those dabblers in the sciences whose well intentioned experiments were to the detriment of his intellect. You've probably heard of his teacher. Prince Rolf Rolf was one of the foremost students of the famous Halvgrim Helgrimsen, renowned for his invention of phrenology.
Err, could you clarify?
The science of identifying character traits by a detailed mapping of the shape of the skull, bumps and all. Discredited theory now, of course, but for a while it was all the craze.
So he's considered unreliable because of the study of phrenology?
Oh, no, not at all. Perfectly valid area of research. While we know it is wrong now, it seemed reasonable at the time. Unfortunately, prince Rolf Rolf, though a genius like most of the family, was a Thoradian with a cutting-edge approach to research, seeking a synthesis of science and religion. His contribution to the field of phrenology was the theory that since the bumps were important for character, you could mold character by inflicting bumps. With a hammer. Preferably a blessed replica of Mjølner, but in a pinch any old hammer would do. He was bit too enthusiastic practising what he preached, regularly hitting his head to create the bumps that would, or so his theory had it, give him the personality of the perfect man.
Fascinating. Did it work?
Not according to his wife, whose despairing letters to her sister provide a stark view of his degeneration, and his scholarly output dwindled alongside his battered brain. Since his investigation of the half-Bødvar came late in his life, when he had a problem distinguishing people from potted plants, he is not considered a reliable source.
As illuminating as this is, Sigurd, are we to understand that the act has been lost for good? That you were not just leading us on when you described it as a lost art?
Yes. Though that is hopefully about to change. As you can imagine, this has created some problems for the upcoming motion picture. There's only so much you can do with CGI and a willing suspension of disbelief, so the studio petitioned the temple for a dispensation from the Moderately Unsafe Sex Act on grounds of religious glorification, and I am pleased to say that it was granted.
Religious glorification?
The fourth prophet reference. The High Priestess of Isfahan loved it and gave the project her blessing.
The High Pristess of Isfahan? That would be your fifth wife, who so enthusiastically modelled for your best-selling self-help book, Inbreeding is how you get the best racehorses? The one with the big
That is hardly relevant. She guaranteed a fact-based evaluation, and that is what we got. Anyway, Isfahan is not that big a scene. We are all related. Why, the High Priestess is not only my wife, but also my cousin twice, thrice, and five times removed (she loves primes) as well as my aunt, and the producer himself is her third husband (and she his second wife), making us wife-fellows, and that's not the only way we are related, as he is my grandfather and my niece (I don't remember how that came about, but the charts don't lie). Rest assured that in matters of business these familial ties in no way affect how we treat each other. The family couldn't function if we did.
I profoundly apologize for the insinuation; As a non-Sigurdr, I sometimes see nepotism where none, obviously, could exist. The curse of not being a genius.
Hmmph. Yes. Well, as I was saying, the producer has assembled a crack team of enthusiastic stuntmen and stuntwomen to experiment and innovate based on the historical sources in an attempt to recreate the half-Bødvar, and progress reports are promising. They are hard at work and under the circumstances the casualty rate is quite reasonable. It is premature to claim success, of course, but it is the first large scale attempt at recreation since the 19th century, and that experiment was an ethical nightmare using condemned prisoners. I am fairly confident that today's professionals will succeed where generations of amateurs, no matter how willing, or unwilling as the case might be, have failed.
Well, there you have it from the man himself. Don't try to reinvent the half-Bødvar on your kitchen table or work desk – leave it in the hands of the professionals, and watch Born to Breed: House of the Prophets – the Movie!
It might interest you to know, that they are recording the team cracking the half-Bødvar, in happy anticipation of the profits of a subsequent documentary. I suggested they name it “Raid and Capture”, but was overruled. They are using “Raiders of the Lost Art” as a working tile. It works, I guess.
AUDIENCE: APPLAUSE.
Documentaries are all well and good, but I am sure I speak for all your fans, Sigurd, when I say that we'd love a self-help book from your hand with illustrations, Inbreeding style, especially if your lovely wives help out.
No promises, but duties permitting, I suspect my fifth wife would be up for that.
Do the writings of the Little Witch and Kraka not exist? What actors and actresses have agreed to read the script for Raiders of the Lost Art? Thank you for the update
Do the writings of the Little Witch and Kraka not exist? What actors and actresses have agreed to read the script for Raiders of the Lost Art? Thank you for the update
Sadly, the passage of 12 centuries means that most writings that were not carefully preserved and copied has been lost, and most Danes at the time were either illiterate or, if literate, not writing a lot. King Sverker's autobiographical writings are, as was noted early in House of the Prophets, some of the earliest extant examples of writing on parchment.
With regards to Kráka, it is known from Sverker's writings that she was literate, and that she occasionally wrote down game rules, but almost nothing is known of her and none of her writings survive except for the one in the permanent record. She is credited with the contents of runestone 1274, which records the first known example of the rules for the game Werebear. The dedication is: "King Gormr ordered this monument made in memory of Kráka, his mother, Denmark's game master." But whether it was the first or the second of her sons named Gormr that raised it is unknown. Early in the collection of the permanent runestone record little was done to document their provenance. There is even the outside possibility that it was one of Sverker's other sons named Gormr who raised the stone, since the children were communally reared by his wives.
With regards to Viola the situation is clear. She was highly literate, and even if she was not as prolific an author as her husband, she wrote a lot. Her surviving Tables of Breeding, the first in the long record of genetic crosses and engineering practiced ever since her time, are the pride of the museum of Royal Breeding, and where we have most of our knowledge about Sverker's wives from apart from his own writings, but her focus was rather narrow.
The museum even has a few of her scoreboards, only lightly damaged and in the case of #4b, with humorous comments added in the 15th century. Her private writings are considered lost as it is known that they were ordered burned after her death. While it is suspected that at least some writings survived from references in the Witch-King's Book of Deeds, there is no way of knowing whether they were authentic, the invention of some fraud, or existed only in the strange reality that passed for his mind. Whatever is the case, there are no known extant examples of her private writings.
Do the writings of the Little Witch and Kraka not exist? What actors and actresses have agreed to read the script for Raiders of the Lost Art? Thank you for the update
Since Raiders of the Lost Art is the documentary of the exciting experiments by the bold stuntmen and stuntwomen attempting to recreate the half-Bødvar, it does not follow a script and does not use actors. This is a serious documentary, chronicling the experiment, not some fake following a script working towards a known end. Participants are expected to read the historical record and apply their own ingenuity with minimal input from a select panel of therapists, historians, royals, and sexual healers. (I am on the panel myself due to my knowledge as historian, author of the book, and winner not only of the 2115 and 2116 MSR awards, but the 2117 MLR as well.)
With that said, it must be admitted that a few actors and actresses who are famed for performing their own stunts have passed the critical selection process on their own merits rather than their star power. Perhaps needless to say, thousands of experienced professionals heeded the initial "Are You Ready To Be Royally Screwed?" call for stuntpeople, so the few hundred who passed the initial screening process are really, really, good, and of those the few actors and actresses, exceptional. I am sure you'll recognize their names once it is released.
-----
Perhaps more interesting would be stepping back and asking, who should play the main roles in House of the Prophets if we were to record it here in 2022 rather than in-universe? Choose any real world actor or actress past or present and assume them at an appropriate age for the role.
Here are my tentative suggestions:
Sigurd's tale:
Sigurd - Jean Reno could ace this, thinking on his performance in Nikita, Leon: the Professional, and L'Opération Corned Beef: Mad, bad, and dangerous to know
Yeldem - Elizabeth Taylor... no strong preference here, just needed somebody versatile and smart
Gertruda - Definitely Yoo In-Na, as she is great at playing innocent, sweet, and really-smart-but-definitely-not-normal
Iacoba - Perhaps Angelina Jolie for a mostly non-action role (apart from the origin story) that requires an amazonian physique?
Irmele - Michelle Yeoh, because I need somebody who could plausibly carve her own way across most of Europe, sword in hand, while appearing slightly unhinged
Eigill the henchman - Finally a use for Dolph Lundgren! Just kidding. A young Christopher Lambert would be ideal
Sverker's Tale (so far)
I have no real ideas for child actors, so only looking at them when adult, and we are nowhere near the end so we'd need a lot more, but at the very least we would need:
Uncle Baldr - Robert de Niro? The role might not be that large, but it needs somebody who can dominate a room and is willing to fatten and muscle up or starve himself as the script demands
Sverker - BRIAN BLESSED. Big, strong, loud, and great at comedy. He'd need to restrain his loud ham tendencies, dialing down his shouting except as the script required, but he showed in his early works that he could, and in the scenes that DO call for a large ham, he'll certainly provide
Viola - Park Bo-Young - she is a rather small person used to dominating big roles, and we need somebody able to play an (arguably evil) peanut with a steel spine and iron will who cannot be shouted down or intimidated by size, and who also does rom-com well, and PBY has shown she has the chops for that
Kráka - Audrey Hepburn? Certainly beautiful enough for the role, and was good at playing playful roles
Sif - ideally somebody with looks close to Kráka's as the sisters look much alike, but the most important aspects would be beautiful and good at playing annoying roles
Please feel free to participate with your own suggestions, readers, as well as suggestions for the other characters I haven't listed. It'll be a few days before the next update, and this seems a potentially fun exercise if anybody cares to participate.
At some point one of Sverker's wives should be Sian Phillips. (Livia to Brian Blessed's Augustus in I Claudius) The story is yet young, and maybe Sverker will acquire another wife in 20 years time, or maybe it'll be Viola.
At some point one of Sverker's wives should be Sian Phillips. (Livia to Brian Blessed's Augustus in I Claudius) The story is yet young, and maybe Sverker will acquire another wife in 20 years time, or maybe it'll be Viola.
Oh, and I love Brian Blessed as Caesar Augustus. It is a good reminder that he's not limited to the comedic roles he's most often cast in, loud and proud of it, but a much more versatile actor.
...and I love your idea, @TheArchMede of having Sian Phillips play one of the wives, and I know just which one, but she hasn't entered the story yes.
of course, even in I, Claudius, there is an opportunity or two to shout, such as addressing people about the benefits of marriage (he'd never have approved of the dodge of engagement to an 8 year old like Sverker):
or the infamous, "is there anyone in Rome who has not slept with my daughter?" scene:
---
Though it must be said, that when Sverker tells his family stories of his exploits, I am thinking more of this Brian Blessed style.
I was thinking more of the aftermath of the plague that wiped out his harem after raids into Germany brought back more that gold and slaves.
"Virus, Virus, give me back my wives!"
- Chapter the Nineteenth: The Sverker Diaries, part fifteen - the world of 933
The Secret Diary of the Genius King Sverker of Denmark, Aged 31
Dear Diary,
I have been too busy the past days to write, but now I have time to record the momentous events.
Two days ago uncle Baldr died.
Two days ago I was proclaimed High King. It was awesome. Sacrificing all the prisoners I had inherited with my trusty sword, saving only cousin Alfhildr since killing family members would be an inauspicious start of my reign. Carving my way through the sacrifices in a rampage of blood and flying limbs as the sacrifices tried fight or flight, with little success at either, that's the life! It sealed my holiness in the eyes of those with wits to see, and it gave me an appetite for dinner.
It was also a great savings not having to feed them any longer. I don't know why uncle Baldr had let them accumulate like that. As for cousin Alfhildr, I wonder why he imprisoned her. I asked, but nobody recalled. Perhaps I should let her go. Show my compassionate side.
Yesterday we buried uncle Baldr. It was great fun presiding as Fylkir as the family came together to put him under stone, and though most were nursing epic hangovers, we did so with dignity. I impressed them all by showing off my newly designed emblem of the High Kingdom, Odin's Raven flying over the waves, and told them that from now on all maps should use use dark red to represent Denmark, because the colour of blood was more theologically appropriate.
But... Seeing the high and mighty of the realm gathered, most of them cousins and many of them despicable feudalists of the worst sort who'd rather oppress the little Dane with a sword than treat him as a free man, and all of them willing to flatter me, and most of them untrustworthy, also served to remind me of something I already knew: I lacked friends and allies. Being High King is all well and good, but if I want to stop the creeping feudalism or even roll it back, I'll need strong supporters. While I've not expended much effort making friends in the past, how hard can it be? For am I not Sverker, most genial of men and in cunning unsurpassed?
Today should have been a day for relaxation, and it would have been, had my little witch not brought an uncomfortable topic to my attention in the afternoon after sending Kráka to watch the children. Specifically, my wives, the lack of. Kings had always had four wives since the time of my grandpa the prophet, and I only had two. Not only the Grand Plan, but common decency as well, required that I marry more wives, and soon.
“After all, are two really enough for the Man with the Iron Rod?” she asked, teasingly.
“I only ever wanted one!” I interjected.
“Now you are just being unreasonable. We've been over this before.“ she said, decisively.
She was right. I was, and we had. Like it or not, the number of wives was seen as a status symbol, and both grandpa Sigurdr and uncle Baldr had four wives, and once Baldr had become High King his new lesser kings had started taking three wives. All except me, in fact. But now I ruled it all it really wouldn't do for me to be seen as lesser, certainly not with the changes I intended. I should count myself lucky she didn't insist that my status as High King required me to fulfil her old fantasy of having a vast herd of wives to manage.
Now, logically, on the one hand, if a man can't be unreasonable when faced with the inevitable, when can he be? On the other hand, she'd already delayed pushing another wife on me for months – I'd expected her to strike right after I was granted the kingship of Denmark, and realistically, how bad could it be? It had worked out better with Kráka than I had expected, after all.
“Right you are, little witch. But only one more for now. Please don't double the burden in one fell stroke.” I said, perhaps unwisely.
“Do you consider your wives a burden, my stallion? Think carefully before you answer,” she answered me.
“Slip of the tongue, I meant nothing of the sort”, I responded hastily, and began fabricating as fast as my hungover brain could come up with an excuse, ”What I meant was that it is a burden for you managing a new wife and fitting her into your schedule; Even with Kráka, whom you brought up yourself, it took some time for everything to work smoothly, and if we added two newcomers at once, that would just complicate matters, so better spread them out over time and add the fourth months from now, right? Unless they were identical twins, I guess.” Oh Odin, I didn't say that. Curse this hangover!
“Well, there's a thought... and I'm grateful for your concern” she replied, teasingly, with a wicked glint in the eye, “but I'm not so feeble I can't handle at least two newcomers without a sweat, and your point about twins is well taken. I'm an identical twin myself after all, and there's something to what you say. It might be easier handling twins, at that, and more economic too. Two for the price of one. You've certainly given me something to think about. Perhaps I was hasty bringing this up today, while you are not at your best. Would you prefer we waited to tomorrow when your head is clear, beloved?”
And give her another day to plan, now including identical twins as a way of pressing even more wives on me? I froze and my mind kept flashing HERD ALERT! For one ghastly moment, I saw myself dead, trampled by a stampede of wives. Is it any wonder I panicked?
But only briefly. My quick wits carried the day.
“Enough about me. Don't pay attention to my stray ale-sodden thoughts. I am sure you have a great candidate already on hand and are just dying to tell me, right?” I said hopefully. “I'm dying to know. Can't wait to get married. I'm raring to go and ready to roger. Can't be worse than the last week of playing Kráka's games blindfolded.”
“Are you sure?” she asked, carefully.
“In fact”, I said, gripped by what at the time felt like divine inspiration, “perhaps we can hold the marriage ceremony tonight? By happy coincidence it is Friday, the ideal day for marriage. The family is assembled, which is convenient. And I can hustle together a ritual justifying a quick marriage for the Fylkir-High King, fresh ploughing symbolizing the vitality of the realm or something like that. I think I can sober up in time, strike while the iron is hot, sow religious oats, and harvest in time for breakfast. Win-win. Err.. You know what I mean.”
“Indeed I do. Well, if you insist and are up to it, I shall not delay you. You'll be pleased to know that my first choice is present for the funeral, a filly who is beautiful, spirited, and of high birth, the perfect trophy wife. She also has hips made for babies. She is one of your cousins, prime Sigurdr soil and ready for the ploughing. No previous owner.” she said.
“How lovely. Yet another inexperienced young thing filled with energy, who has to be taught the realities of life. How about a mature widowed Duchess instead, preferably landed? Somebody who knows what's what, and”, I added with sudden inspiration, “has the experience to help you manage the household so you can concentrate on the Grand Plan? Do you have any such amongst your choices?”
“That's not going to happen on my watch unless she's young, my stallion. I want them young, fertile, and with at least two decades of use for breeding before they are put out to pasture.” she replied, “the more wives you've got, the less time you have for each, so youth and fertility is paramount for the successful pursuit of the Grand Plan unless pursuing a high turnover strategy, and that, I suspect, would make you cranky.”
“Put out to pasture?” I asked, wondering.
“Just my little joke,” she replied. And perhaps it was.
“Fair enough, little witch. Let's do it your way. Who is it?”
“Well, it is like this. Kráka misses her sister.”
“...”
“Sverker?”
“You are not talking about her younger sister Dalla, who is not quite of marriageable age yet, but with a bit of fudging of the numbers would pass muster, are you?”
“I am not.”
“Please tell me that you are not talking about Sif. That would be ridiculous.”
“While I agree that Sif would not otherwise seem an obvious candidate, as she'll do nothing to strengthen your ties to that branch of the family that Kráka does not already do, and while choosing Sif was not originally my idea, it is a practical solution to a present problem and she certainly lives up to my criteria.”
“You do realize, of course, that Sif utterly despises me”, I said.
“Since when did you care about women's feelings?”
“...and she'll do her best to make my life a living hell?”
“You thrive on challenges, my stallion. That which does not kill you makes you stronger!”
“...and that she's bethrothed to Duke Hugh and they are to marry in a few months”
“You are the Fylkir and head of the Dynasty. You can break their bethrothal and put him in his place.
Well, yes, I could. It would piss off his branch of the family, but I could.
“...and that thawing the Ice Maiden from within is a children's story?”
“Some like it hot, my stallion, and anyway, I have it on good authority that somebody already broke that barrier.”
“OHO! Cousin Hugh is going to be so pissed if she's been experimenting before marriage. It is her right, of course, so long as she's not engaging in adultery, but I could have sworn just a few months past little Sif was all high-and-mighty 'I'll never let anybody have ME! I'll never bear children!' - or perhaps Hugh did more than talk to her when they met earlier this week? I thought that first meeting ran long.”
“Not Hugh, but you are dead on with the timing.”
“But she's been here all week, staying with Kráka most of the time.... Wincenty then! Twelve years old and already boldly going where no man has gone before. Didn't think the lad had it in him, but he's my son after all!”
“Beloved, our son is nine. He's precocious, but not that precocious.”
“A handy henchman then? Which could it be? Bah. I tire of this guessing game. Anyway, not important. Give me one solid reason I should marry Sif”, I said.
“Kráka wants it”
“Irrelevant.”
“I am in favour of it”
“Relevant, but not good enough; surely you have candidates that don't loathe me. You said this was your first choice, not your only choice.”
“It is Sif's idea.”
“So she not only despises me, she's crazy as well? That's supposed to convince me how? Why in the name of Odin...”
“I'd say desperate rather than crazy; Her meeting with your cousin Hugh last week was the first time they met in many years, and it shocked her to the core. She'd been warned that he had issues, of course. All of the Normans do. But she went straight to Kráka afterwards and said that Hugh didn't just have issues, he had subscriptions, and that she'd rather be a Queen violated by a pig than a Duchess made to squeal like one by the butcher.”
“I am not marrying Sif out of pity.”
“I wasn't suggesting you do, beloved. I was being tactful approaching a delicate subject, since you are unlikely to be completely tranquil, shall we say, once you learn her plan of conquest.”
“Her what? Be less tactful, little witch. I can handle it.”
“Her plan to conquer you and wed you. Her story is that you've been screwing her brains out for a week while she was your guest, my stallion.”
“WHAT!?”
“She threatens that if you don't marry her, then once she marries Hugh, she'll go public and mar your kingship with a scandal about how you lusted after her and ignored guest-right, violating her repeatedly. The King with the Iron Rod showing his true colours. Unless you have her quietly killed, of course, but she's smart; she's probably thought of insurance.”
“Not a bad plan, really. If you are going to lie, go big. That would definitely raise a stink. But a short-term one. No witnesses, and if I had her killed, out of sight, out of mind. Kráka would be sad, of course, but can't be helped. I know how to cheer her up. No, it won't wash. Sounds like Sif will have to learn the hard way, that if you mess with the best, you die like the rest.”
“I'm afraid she'd have a witness: Kráka.”
“That sly bitch would betray me and lie for her sister? I knew she wasn't trustworthy. I'll have her killed too! Don't dare tell me to spare her for the sake of the Grand Plan. There are some things up with which I will not put!”
“You know her better than that. Kráka does not lie. Mislead, confuse, and play games with your head, yes. Lie, no.”
“Explain. Now.”
“Kráka and Sif are old hands at plotting together. You've probably forgotten, but years ago when Kráka nearly got you at Yuletime? It was Sif who sent you looking for the Cordoban Jewel. And just recently, we made use of her in the matter of Egill. Now, Sif knows her big sister well, and the sweet thing really is besotted with you, so when Sif laid her plan to conquer you in desperation, she knew better than to present it to Kráka as a plot against you.”
“I'm listening.”
“She presented it as a game.”
“...and Kráka loves games.”
“Yes. Since Kráka loves both you and her sister, and since the proposed game was intriguing, it took little to persuade her. So Kráka went to me with a sob story about how hard she was taking her father's wasting away, and asked if I'd be willing to trade her my days this week for some of hers in the future to help her cope and, as you know, I agreed. It seemed a reasonable enough request to me; You are always a great comfort when I'm feeling down, after all.”
“I do my best, little witch!”
“I know, my stallion. But to return to Sif's conquest, she then had Kráka tell us about her meetings with Hugh, omitting the detail that they had already met once, and Kráka invented a new game, Darkest Dungeon, and you've been playing that all week and, as far as I can tell, having great fun.”
“We didn't play Darkest Dungeon all week, fortunately. We also played Blind Man's Bluff and Spelunking For Two. She's very inventive.”
“She sure is, but all games had this in common: They were not two-player games, but three-player games.”
“...And they were all conducted in darkness, and in addition I was blindfolded for the first two, and in Spelunking my cave-diving partners wore costumes that covered everything but certain areas critical to the game. And Kráka and Sif are much the same height and have much the same body build, as is not uncommon amongst siblings. I see where this is going, but it is ridiculous. And infamous! But wait! It can't have been Sif. It was definitely Kráka; Even if, for the sake of argument, I didn't notice minor differences of body due to being otherwise preoccupied, I'd know her hairstyle anywhere. The way her braid whips me when she's in the throes of passion is distinctive. I don't need sight for that! Sif's hairstyle is quite different: Two short braids. By their hair shall I know them!”
“This may shock you, Sverker, but it is possible for a woman to change the way she styles her hair.”
“It is? But you've had the same since you were a child. Excepting only when you bathe and your lush hair garbs your naked body in a raiment of purity, you braid it in twin braids with red ribbons. I love it.”
“And that's why I do it, beloved. I could stop it any time I want. But I don't want to when it makes you happy.”
“Oh, I see. Never thought of it that way. I just thought women got set in their ways early, their primitive brains unable to contemplate a future with different hair. I mean, my mother never changed her hair style, Sis never changed hers, Frogsis only changed hers after that unfortunate scissors accident (which was definitely not my fault), and both you and Kráka never changed yours since childhood. It seemed the natural conclusion.”
“Interesting. Well, however logical and well reasoned your belief, it is wrong. To return to the matter on hand, each night Kráka led you to her stall, told you the game for the night, and went behind her screen to change costume while you extinguished the candles and got naked. Then Sif, who had been hiding behind the screen (and, yes, had styled her hair like Kráka) went to you. And events proceeded as one might expect, while Kráka took notes on performance from behind the screen. When you were done, they changed Sif's hair back the way it were. Each morning Kráka critiqued Sif's actions and designed the evening's roles as an even greater challenge to Sif. This explains the ever more complex roles you contended with during the week.”
It was monstrous. But I could see it working, with Sif and Kráka exchanging places after each bout and Kráka explaining the next challenge. At least it explained Kráka's, no dammit, Sif's, squeaky voice being different from what I was used to. And great and lustry Freyr take heed, Sif was a quick study or very well coached. But that was rather missing the point. A worthless digression.
“It probably wouldn't have worked if they weren't so much alike, but on the other hand you tend to be remarkably single-minded once you get to grips, so who knows.”
“When did you find out?”
“I first suspected something was wrong the day after she arrived, actually. But certainly not that! She complained about having had a nightmare and falling out of bed, and she did seem stiff like somebody who'd not had a good night of sleep, and if you'd paid attention to her, you'd have noticed that Sif was walking a bit awkwardly that day and occasionally appeared to catch herself daydreaming or looking utterly disgusted, as somebody processing a new experience they were unsure how they felt about, but...”
“I don't pay attention to women. Noted.”
“Anyhow, I considered the evidence and concluded it was none of my business if Sif had discovered a new source of entertainment. Good for her. Two days later, however, it clearly was my business. She had the PGSS look.”
“The WHAT?”
“Oh, that's just what Kráka and I call the Pelvic Girdle Sledgehammer Slammed look for jokes and giggles. You know, 'Wow, you look PGSS today. Busy night, was it?' It is the stunned bunny expression combined with the very distinctive gait one gets after being on the receiving end of several half-Bødvars. At least the way you do it. It is an easily recognizable look, when you know it, and Sif had it. How in the name of Freyja did you manage to do it blindfolded? I wouldn't have thought it possible.”
“It isn't. Trust me on this. But I don't like your name for it - does it hurt a lot? If you've been hurting all these years...”
“It's fine, my stallion. Doesn't hurt a bit. Well, nothing worth mentioning, anyway. No pain, no gain, is what I say.”
“Good. You had me worried for a moment. But I digress. I'm afraid your timeline fits: That would be the morning after the first Spelunking For Two game, where I encountered a frisky female Svartalf at the bottom of a cave (don't ask). Continue, please.”
“Knowing better than to try collaring the cunning vixen, I went to Kráka and made her divulge the details,” my little witch said.
“So you have known for five days, and you told me nothing? Why, in the name of the High One did you not tell me earlier!” I erupted.
“As to that, my stallion, my initial thought was to alert you right away, but then it struck me: I don't understand men. The damage was already done, and whether you screwed her for three days, for a week, or even for two, it would make no difference to the public, should you refuse to marry Sif and fail to silence her, since the important thing would be your violation of guest-right. And you seemed to be having great fun. There was a twinkle in your eye and spring in your step this week, that had been missing for some time.” she answered me calmly.
“But,” I began, and got no further before she killed my objection, that this was because of my happy anticipation of uncle Baldr's impending death rather than Kráka's games, with an argument that I could hardly refute. Alas.
“So since continuing put you in no imminent danger, I recalled your wise words on this issue from Kráka's wedding and left you in ignorance for a few days so you could discover the deception in your own time or, perhaps, be told by Sif, if she felt secure in her new intimacy with you. Perhaps you'd end up laughing it off. Do you feel like laughing, beloved?”
“No.”
“You should. Because, you see, I remembered something else. I always pay attention to you, as you know, and once upon a time you taught me an important lesson. Do you remember the splendid morning after our wedding?”
Of course I remembered. It was one of my favourite memories: “I remember waking to your hair gently caressing my cheek, and looking up into your azure eyes for the first time, little witch, thinking that I could drown in them.”
“Always the romantic, my stallion,” she said, looking at me fondly, “but that's not what I was referring to. I remember every word you spoke that glorious morning, and you suggested my sister Gizella for your second wife. Keeping it in the family, as it were. Of course, while Gizella had my perfect body, she didn't have my wits, so it was not to be, but your desire was clear. Perhaps you'd even have preferred me without my wits. But I was the one who got you!”
Had I really said that? That would be madness speaking. Why would I do that? Where was she going with this?
“So CLEARLY, you had no objections to marrying sisters – you wanted it the very morning after your wedding to one sister, even knowing full well that the other sister hated you ever since the pond incident, and you have not changed – you even mentioned your lust for sisters just a short time ago, when you brought up the issue of twins.” she said, triumphantly.
“I'm sure that's not what I meant”, I interjected, but she wasn't listening.
“So if you are now objecting to marrying Kráka's sister Sif, who wants to marry you and is perfect for the Grand Plan, merely because she has a mild aversion to you and you are feeling slightly peeved about this week's game, but wanted to marry my sister Gizella, who hated you and was ill suited for the Grand Plan, what am I to think? Is Kráka that much better than me, that you want her, and only her, while with me you couldn't wait to lay claim to the body of my sister, an inferior copy, suggesting to me that you wed her right after our wedding,” she said furiously.
“That's a low blow, little witch. You know I don't think like that. I don't find Kráka better than you, and I must have been joking about Gizella.”
“The 'only a joke' defense. Why did I expect better of you? You don't understand women, after all. I am sure everything seems perfectly reasonable from where you are sitting, my stallion”, she sighed, unhappily.
“You are manipulating my feelings with this ridiculous idea that I love Kráka more.”
“I didn't use the word love, my stallion,” my little witch sniffled.
“Confound it. That was a slip of the tongue!”
“If you say so. I apologize for worrying you so. Perhaps it is time that I accept the fact that Kráka is better than me and let the better woman take the lead. I'm growing old, after all.” she said, trying to hold back tears.
“Look, just moments ago I was threatening to kill Kráka. If that doesn't show who I love the most of my wives, I don't know what will”
“I guess it does. It is your right to love your wives as you please, my lord, and love and hatred are but two sides of the same coin”, she continued, crying.
“Little witch?” I said.
“Yes, my lord,” she answered.
“Knock if off. It is not funny any longer, if ever it were.”
“Yes, my lord,” she answered.
“Will killing Kráka and Sif make you happy?”
“Yes, my lord,” she answered.
“Would you like me to shave off my beard, stuff an apple up my arse, and walk around naked in the street flapping my arms like a chicken while repeatedly saying, 'I'm sorry I pissed you off, Viola'?” I asked.
“Yes, my lord,” she answered.
“...you've got to be kidding”
“I didn't quite hear that; was that a question, my lord?” she asked.
“No, no. Perish the thought. Now, where's an apple when you really need it...”
“In the basket to your right, my lord,” she answered.
“I didn't mean it! Blast and bebother! Will you knock it off and agree I love you the most if in return I agree to disregard this week's irregularities and marry Sif?”
“Yes, my stallion.”
“How serendipitous. Well, what are you waiting for? Call her in, little witch.”
“Right you are, my stallion! One wife-to-be coming right up!” she responded, secure in her victory, and Sif was practically falling over her own feet to report for duty when called.
“My, my, that was quick, little witch. One could almost believe she'd been waiting outside the door.”
“Serendipity!”
There being no graceful way to follow up that would leave my dignity unscathed, I turned to Sif, and seeing her standing there, defiant, arrogant, and unyielding, disgust on her face, I nearly repented of my promise, but in a contest between the good will of my little witch and my wroth there can be only one winner.
“Hello, Sif. You've been very naughty. You have abused your guest-right, and are clearly guilty of premeditated adultery, unusual and possibly unnatural seduction, ensnaring your sister in a plot against me, and several other charges I could drum up if I felt like it. Frankly, the easiest solution would be to kill you on either secular or religious grounds or because it would please me, and don't think for a moment that I would hesitate to do so, as it would provide a much desired finality to this ridiculous situation,” I said, calmly.
“I see,” Sif replied, equally calmly.
“However, your life has been saved by somebody who is infinitely more worthy than you, as my little witch has convinced me that this would be wasteful of your potential, since you are a perfect fit for her breeding program. Also, Kráka would be sad, and I can't have that. So what I am getting at is that you've won. Congratulations, your conquest is done, and it is complete. I will marry you this very night. But I will give you something to reflect on, as you savour your victory. Tonight, when we are alone, proud schemer, will you, nill you, I'll screw you seven days to Sunday.” I thundered, righteously!
“That doesn't make any sense. It is only Friday! So two days at most, and that's if you forego sleep.” Sif answered, seemingly unshaken.
“Very funny. What I mean is, I will do my worst, unconstrained by Kráka's games. I will not hold back or treat you tenderly. Now what, pray tell, do you think of that? Are you regretting your choice?”
“You were holding back until now? I can't say I noticed, great Violator. And as for treating me tenderly, if you think that's what you've been doing, you must have me confused for my sister! If you'll pardon my little joke.”
“Hah. Hah. This is my funny face. Read my lips: There will be NO. MORE. GAMES.”
“Whatever you say, pig. I hear your command, and obey.”
And so it came to be that I married my third wife, Sif, who'll no doubt do her best to make my private life a living hell. She behaved perfectly in public for the surprise wedding; When I started the day's feast by revealing as Fylkir, in a truly hypocritical speech, the necessity for the High King to have at least three wives at all times, likening them of all things to the three Norns (I blame my hangover), she was as rapt as anybody in the crowd, and when I made my surprise public proposal to make her that third wife immediately afterwards, she accepted to all eyes with profound joy, and her mother, Dowager Queen Praxida, praised my choice. I suspect collusion.
Nobody could have been more graceful or hung more devotedly on my every word at the feast thereafter or looked more lovingly at me when I finally carried her off for the bedchamber, but once we were in private...
...I discovered she wore chainmail underwear attached to an iron belt, snugly fitting her slim waist, and fitted with a combination lock of her own design, which was, she triumphantly told me, impossible to remove without the combination or blacksmith's tools.
What's worse, she appeared to be right. Would I really have to solve this blacksmith's puzzle or concede defeat on our wedding night?
But am I not built like a bear, able to tear apart chainmail with my bare hands? Am I not of the line of Odin Glapsviðr, who can charm any lock – or woman? Am I not Sverker, High King and Fylkir, most cunning of men?
Of course I am, on a good day at any rate, at least if I say so myself, but frankly, I was also slightly drunk, which made me marginally less cunning, agile, and able to direct my strength with precision.
So in this particular case, it was rather more helpful that I am also the husband of Kráka, who had cheerfully sold out her sister by telling me Sif's greatest weaknesses as a wedding present.
And she was right: An impregnable fortress that will never fall to frontal assault may yet be betrayed from within, yielding to its conqueror, its gates opened willingly by the loser in a high stakes turn based wargame of my own devising.
Sif really should have known better than agreeing to play a game with each conflict resolution determined by a tickling contest scored against a conflict resolution table, given how very, very, ticklish she is, but as I had been told, Sif loves wargaming, is ticklish, and highly competitive. Perhaps she underestimated my resolve.
So I lied about there being no more games, and she really hated losing. But fate is a cruel mistress and turnabout is fair play.
This is the first time I've tickled anybody into submission, but if a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing well, and I am beginning to understand Kráka's joy in creating conflict resolution tables favouring their creator's preferred outcome. A most enlightening exercise, and tickling certainly beats ripping apart iron underwear being both more entertaining and less harmful to the wearer.
Looking at her now, a sleeping beauty, she looks contented, and I feel that I could, in time, come to appreciate her. Perhaps the quick wit, flashes of humour, and attention to details she showed after her surrender, when we negotiated penalties and set about carrying them out, one by one, learning the ways of the other's body anew without a blindfold or a need to roleplay weird roles complicating matters, is the true Sif. Perhaps it shows her true heart, a generous heart I could learn to love, given time. Perhaps this is all for the better, and today marks the beginning of a long and beautiful companionship.
And perhaps not.
More likely those feelings are a result of temporary insanity, as I am out of my mind and ready to drop due to delayed shock from the afternoon's revelations, a lack of sleep, a drain of vital essence from my primary brain to power my secondary, and being incurably romantic. An old softy, really.
It probably won't stop her from making a living hell of my life tomorrow, but a man can hope.
Either way, I can't wait to see her face, when she is introduced to the scoreboard. She can't have avoided seeing it while living here, and Kráka must have told her all about it, but tomorrow her name gets added to it and she gets her name on a stall. No matter how well prepared she thinks she is, having my little witch in charge of her life is going to be a revelation.
It might be time for a small war to escape the household for a while and please the wider family with loot, and I've got the perfect opportunity. Cousin Arnfast of Poitou is claiming my English crown backed by a few of the more dimwitted family members, an early test of my strength, the first of many, and I cannot be seen to falter. He'll make a good target for a demonstration of my resolve.
Author's note:
With the accession of Sverker to the High Kingship and the intensification of High Queen Viola's Grand Plan, I am enabling a private birth control mod I created for this game, The Emperor's Children, replacing the mod I have been using until now, More Babies For Counts and Dukes.
Like the previous mod, my own mod increases the number of children for Counts and Dukes by a bit, making AI line extinction less likely, but in addition to this it significantly increases the number of children an Emperor-tier ruler can have before the game stops testing for random pregnancies.
If Sverker wants to limit his number of children, he'll have to keep IT in his pants or get rid of his wives.
Sverker rules his household in all ways! At least when Viola approves! Great Stats! Lowest is Sverker's 7Intrigue. Of wives only Kraka has any single digits. Can you imagine if everyone had gotten a 4star education like Viola. When will wife #4 arrive? Thank you for updating
Yes, about that intrigue. Sverker might not be quite as devious as he believes. Until now I (well, the AI) had Viola supporting all his stats, giving him a slightly more respectable 11.
But now that I'm in charge and he's High King and needs a smooth transition of power, I damn well have her supporting his diplomatic efforts, as was meant to be from the start when I ensured they had the same education.
Of wives only Kraka has any single digits. Can you imagine if everyone had gotten a 4star education like Viola. When will wife #4 arrive? Thank you for updating
When the fourth wife will arrive? No wife stampedes, please. Give the poor man a rest! Does he not deserve some time without new high drama and histrionics in his private life?
Like the previous mod, my own mod increases the number of children for Counts and Dukes by a bit, making AI line extinction less likely, but in addition to this it significantly increases the number of children an Emperor-tier ruler can have before the game stops testing for random pregnancies.
If Sverker wants to limit his number of children, he'll have to keep IT in his pants or get rid of his wives.
Errr... Not to disrespect the high-quality of the presentation format, nor the superb writing of this AAR with heavy burlesque tone;
But a mod to increase the number of children that can be achieved in the game; that seems redundant, as the default game does not seem to have any limit on it at all. Even if the code is clear, and the wiki-info is available, yet in the game not even with traits of negative effect on the fertility percentages seem to work properly. Any ordinary ruler is able to achieve five (5) to seven (7) children; the number goes beyond fourteen (14) already, due to polygamy, adultery, and meaningless pseudo-random events. Has there been a change after the last patches of summer, so that the need of increasing the number by using mods?
Also bravo to the computational power of that computer if it can handle that many characters.
Errr... Not to disrespect the high-quality of the presentation format, nor the superb writing of this AAR with heavy burlesque tone;
But a mod to increase the number of children that can be achieved in the game; that seems redundant, as the default game does not seem to have any limit on it at all. Even if the code is clear, and the wiki-info is available, yet in the game not even with traits of negative effect on the fertility percentages seem to work properly. Any ordinary ruler is able to achieve five (5) to seven (7) children; the number goes beyond fourteen (14) already, due to polygamy, adultery, and meaningless pseudo-random events. Has there been a change after the last patches of summer, so that the need of increasing the number by using mods?
Also bravo to the computational power of that computer if it can handle that many characters.
It always seemed to me to be hardcoded to 15 per ruler. Certainly Ged, magnificent tomcat that he was, never managed to get more than 15 despite sleeping with literally dozens of fertile women.
Errr... Not to disrespect the high-quality of the presentation format, nor the superb writing of this AAR with heavy burlesque tone;
But a mod to increase the number of children that can be achieved in the game; that seems redundant, as the default game does not seem to have any limit on it at all. Even if the code is clear, and the wiki-info is available, yet in the game not even with traits of negative effect on the fertility percentages seem to work properly. Any ordinary ruler is able to achieve five (5) to seven (7) children; the number goes beyond fourteen (14) already, due to polygamy, adultery, and meaningless pseudo-random events. Has there been a change after the last patches of summer, so that the need of increasing the number by using mods?
Also bravo to the computational power of that computer if it can handle that many characters.
My own mod is about suffering the consequences of Sverker's actions and allowing Viola's Grand Plan to come to fruition without a game mechanic intended to keep households small, so as neither to strain the abilities of players to handle large families (which can be quite a chore) nor to strain processing power (though CK3 is very differently engineered in that respect than CK1 and CK2, so the total number of characters matters a lot less for performance.)
The mod I've been using until now is about overcoming AI stupidity and avoiding line extinction.
For those who don't know how the game works in that regard, a short explanation.
While the game has no limit on the number of children a ruler can potentially have, it has a limit on how many living children a ruler can have before it stops testing randomly for pregnancy. When you are at that limit, any and all future pregnancies are caused by events, regardless of how fertile your character or spouse is. That's why Baldr, in order to exceed the limit of 14-15 children he was otherwise entitled to as a king with 4 wives, spent most of his life chaining seduction schemes against his own wives. Which is just as stupid as it sounds, but that's how the game works.
This limit is based on the tier of either the character himself, or for unlanded, the tier of parents. It is (2, 3, 5, 5) for Count to Emperor. To this is added +2 for ruler, +2 per wife, and theres'a s 50% chance for one less. Furthermore, unlanded married characters take a fertility penalty. That's why you see so many married but unlanded characters without children. And inter alia, all negative and positive fertility modifiers work, including the 5% loss per child for mothers, but the way the normal pregnancy test works is by averaging the male and female fertility rating rather than a separate check of male and female percentage, so you'll occasionally get interesting outcomes. (And for event based pregnancy, there's a fixed percentage such as 30%, 50%, or 80% depending on event, with the only requirement being that both participants have at least 0.1 fertility.)
The result is that in an unmodded game you'll frequently see AI line extinctions in monogamous religions as a combination of the AI's really stupid marriage priorities (often marrying older women even when there's no heir) and sons dying in battle. Even though the death of a child opens up a new slot for a potential son, if the wife's too old to conceive, that's the end of the line. It is much less of an issue for monogamous AI kings and emperors, as they a) have a higher base number of child slots to fill, and b) usually have the land to make all their sons rulers (so +2 children, and no fertility penalty) and hence capable of starting larger families of their own before they inherit.
The More Children for Counts and Dukes mod changes the base values to (4, 5, 5, 5), making line extinctions amongst Counts and Dukes significantly less likely. The overhead performance cost of this is negligible. Line extinctions still happen - somethings things go really bad, or everybody dies in battles or whatever, but normal inheritance is the general case.
Now, obviously, Born to Breed doesn't need that mod for line extinction purposes except for counts, as in polygamous religions the increased number of wives giving +2 to the soft cap copes handily with the issue. At least after the first few generations have seeded the world with a large enough population of surplus wives. For dukes, kings, and emperors, the increased number of wives also means that a single idiotic AI choice of a wife unsuitable for childbearing isn't critical, and certainly for the emperor tier with four wives, the 14(15) limit before events is more than ample for practical purposes.
I've been using the mod anyway, because I am a) used to these values, and b) considers the whole idea that "no more than X children, no matter how fertile the couple" to be an unfortunate, though necessary, game mechanic - but I want X large enough that even the lowest level of ruler I interact with will at least be able to hold what even as late as my grandparents' generation was considered a normal family size.
Dear departed Baldr beat that 14/15 limit handily by chain seducing his wives. Which is ridiculous as you go through the usual seduction events and have to end each successful seduction by choosing not to become lovers, because becoming lovers means you can't use a seduction scheme, and sometimes the scheme fails and you get locked out for a few years with that wife. But hey, it works.
The Emperor's Children mod changes the base values to (4, 5, 5, 250), and frankly, the 250 was just chosen because I wanted some number larger than I'd ever expect to reach, such that pregnancies would never be soft-capped. The increased overhead compared to More Children for Counts and Duke in general character maintenance is practically non-existent as only emperor titles and unlanded sons of emperors, who can only have one wife until they are landed, at which point their limit is based on their own tier, are affected. (I have not bothered making this mod public, as I don't see it as having much general interest that isn't already served by the more generic mods removing all pregnancy limit caps, but if anybody wants it I can post the code.)
So as I said, if Sverker wants to limit the number of children, he'll have to keep IT in his pants. And see what Viola has to say to that. If not, then the High Kingdom will just have to cope with the ramifications of possibly dozens of royal children. Some of which are predictable*, some not, and some which have been gently foreshadowed in the AAR.
* Such as: Opening the family tree view quickly becomes a big no-no, as rather than constructing just the section you are viewing and constructing the other sections on the fly as you scroll to view them, it creates the entire family tree graphically when you open the view. This is of course the case for any large dynasty, but here I am taking it to extremes. Another example: Any interaction that requires looking through family members, let's say selecting emperor tier election candidates and voters, becomes quite time consuming in the due course of time. To the degree that it makes sense performance wise NOT to set a preferred heir until you've got a good candidate that with your support will have majority backing without lots of swing voters that need frequent checking for changes in disposition. The only significant performance implications of the mod are connected with such family-traversal code in UI or events. There are the gameplay implications as well, some nastier than others.
