Exploding Minds
2000 January 1st 1947
Braunau am Inn, Greater Germany
"I hope your journey was comfortable" said von Ribbentrop to Molotov, trying to quell his laughter "We're about to meet our leader. Ah, sorry, didn't remember you can't see. Guards! Remove the security eyepatches!"
Molotov had to spend seven hours, blind, trapped in a car seat. He didn't know that he was being part of a complicated prank yet, but for sure this prank would have serious consequences on world affairs.
He was then escorted to an underground bunker.
1630 January 1st 1947
A bunker in Braunau am Inn, Greater Germany
Bormann and his cabinet also left Berlin and paid a visit to Hitler and his new pet, Mussolini, arriving way before Molotov.
They walked through the long dark corridor; the two thick doors separating Hitler's room and the corridor were opened; they finally met, one year after their last encounter, their exiled leader again.
"Good evening herr Hitler, herr Mussolini."
It's been one year since Hitler's room was equipped with a radio; it would transmit military news every day. Now the radio was boasting about a recent air skirmish between two German and Soviet squadrons, where the Soviets lost around twenty aircraft. All of a sudden, it had been turned off.
"A bit of quiet is what we need, now. Herr Hitler?"
Hitler and Mussolini sat in a rather comfy chair, staring at each other. A grotesque, pictoresque scene. If it weren't for the isolation, they had a rather decent level of comfort to live with. However, even if eight people paid a visit to them, and the radio had been turned off, the two great dictators did not pay an inch of attention to the external world.
Instead, Hitler stared at Mussolini with intense fear; Mussolini at Hitler with a sarcastic grim. The two contenders defied each other's endurance until one would break.
An interminable siege. Catapults on one side, trebuchets on the other. Immense masses of soldiers trying to swarm into the enemy fortress through fragile ladders, like ants out of their den. Flaming projectiles launched from the siege weapons falling onto the land and the wall, causing pain and incineration.
Generals from the opposing sides incited their soldiers to final victory. Horn toots signalled the attack. The sky turned gray with a sea of arrows piercing the wind. The clash of swords resounded everywhere, and everywhere soldiers screamed out of angst, or pain, or fervor. Two opposing armies, two opposing fortresses, two opposing sieges; ballistas, trebuchets, mangonels, delivered death to many and pain to even more, while the walls began to crack and crumble under the constant thumping of cyclopic battering rams. At each crack, thousands of soldiers swarmed in; on each gigantic ladder, dozens of soldiers faced boiling oil dropped from above, burnt alive; one ladder, more than 300-feet high, had been hit at its top by a catapult's rock at full speed. The colossal ladder wavered, swinging from left to right, filled with hundreds fighting for gravity, finally lost its struggle, and began to land onto the grass with an unsurmountable speed. As the immense ladder touched the land, it broke in thousand pieces flying away, as hundreds bodies splattered onto the ground and turned it red, or flew into the sky, making contact with the Sun and never seen again.
After interminable seconds, finally, one of the two sides won this epic siege.
"FULL HOUSE!" Mussolini screamed at the top of his lungs and dropped his five cards on the table.
Hitler slammed his cards onto the floor "Verdammt! You must be CHEATING! Pull that sleeve up... PULL IT UP I SAY!"
"Hey, hey, HEY! Gents, you have guests here!" Bormann intervened "And we have many things to do!"
"Huh." All of a sudden, the two realized the presence of Bormann and his cabinet. "You're here. Good. I appreciate this radio of yours and the fact you've sent me ol' pal Benito. Now, as you can see, we're rather busy, so, if you please..."
"Herr Hitler, a few questions beforehand."
"I hate questions."
"Would you sign a peace agreement with the Soviet Union?"
"HAH! There I said it's all been lies! We've been losing to the red scum thanks to this scum! NEVER! NEVER I--"
"STOP IT! We're not losing. Molotov came to our Country offering a peace agreement."
"And...?"
"We just wanted to make sure you still are like ol' Hitler we once knew. Since you still are yourself, we'll gladly let you conduct the peace talks with Molotov."
"Me too? Me too? Can I get Italy? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?"
Completely ignoring his comrade Benito, Hitler replied sarcastically "Very nice from you. And why should I meddle into your affairs, now that someone has stripped me out of my power?"
"Gratitude?"
"Sense of pride?"
"Nationalism?"
"Commie-bashing fun?"
"Commies! You're letting me bash a commie?"
"More than that, herr Hitler. We let you bash a whole Communist country by sending Molotov, the Soviet Union and their petty peace proposals to hell."
"Then that's wonderful!"
"I'm sure we could reach an agreement..."
"However, I have to end my important business first. Benito! BENITO! Lower your hands!"
Mussolini timidly smiled.
"Lower them..."
He slightly lowered his arms, and a dozen or so of cards fell out of his sleeves.
2030 January 1st 1947
Still the same bunker in Braunau am Inn
"This is the room designated to your meeting. Please enter, mr. Molotov."
Molotov entered into a room that was the bunker's kitchen. A thick scent of stew permeated the kitchen; Mussolini, dressed as a cook, welcomed the poor, wretched Molotov.
"Oh, welcome Molotov, we were waiting your arrival! Give me a second while I call my master."
Molotov was about to burst out crying, as he didn't know what worse he could expect, from being blinded, to watching Mussolini cook as Hitler's servant. The last thing he thought he was about to see was Hitler dressed as Satan, supplied with trident and horns.
"Good to see you, herr Molotov" finally Hitler met Molotov, and to him it was like a salvation: at least he did it! "So, I've been informed that you want to conduct peace talks on behalf of your nation. Let's not waste our time, so let's get started. What do you propose to Germany?"
"Good evening herr Hitler. I'll get straight to the point. Although both our nations have sustained incredible amounts of men and material losses, we have to cave in to your superiority; we finally decided that we must value our own sovereignity above our pride. Even if it is with despair that I come to announce this, we have decided that we are willing to give all the lands conquered by the Wehrmacht to Germany, so long as you keep the remaining lands, or what's left of it beyond the Urals, under Soviet legal sovereignity. That is all. You've beaten us, we just want to stay alive."
Hitler stood serious for some seconds. "That is too harsh" he finally replied "I will settle for some minor gain like Poland and the Baltics."
Molotov could not believe at his ears "Just THA... er... I'm happy to hear that you find this a bit too harsh... perhaps, if you wish, we might reconsider the terms just a bit..."
"Yes, why not. We have battled each other for so long. I don't want to plant the seeds of new hatred. Let this be settled once and for all. Benito!"
"Yes master."
"Pen and paper. Now!"
"Yes master."
"That is a dipper! You're not cooking now. Pen... that is what you use to write. Did they teach you that at school? Yes, right, that pointy thing. No, you don't squeeze eyes with that. Yes, precisely, that."
"Yes master."
"Now, write this down, Molotov. I, Führer of Germany and its Autobahn, Leader of the Third Reich, Emperor of Europe, Dominator of the Balkans, Master of the Wehrmacht, Luftwaffe and Kriegsmarine, Undisputed Champion of Realpolitik, Grand Duke of Thoughtcrime, lead singer of ze Führers and finally Prime Physical Therapist of Hermann Göring may he be always cursed, hereby declare:
1. That the current state of war between the Soviet Union and Germany cease to exist
2. That the two peoples live together in peace and brotherhood
3. That no territorial alteration take place from 1939 boundaries
4. That Stalin worships America every day
With that declared, I, Führer of Germany and its Autobahn, Leader of the Third Reich, Emperor of Europe, Dominator of the Balkans, Master of the Wehrmacht, Luftwaffe and Kriegsmarine, Undisputed Champion of Realpolitik, Grand Duke of Thoughtcrime, lead singer of ze Führers and Prime Physical Therapist of Hermann Göring may he be always cursed, in my infinite wisdom, seeking what is best for our two great countries, confirm my nulla osta to this document, to be put in force from both interested parties as soon as the Soviet representants sign it."
Molotov turned pale and his hands trembled. The Soviet Union could be brought back at the world's pedestal thanks to the folly of a raving madman!
"I-I've written it down, herr Hitler."
"Very good. Can you please read it aloud?"
"W-why... oh, of course, I can."
Molotov reads the whole document.
"Some parts are not completely clear... can you please begin all over again?
"Yes, why not..."
After the fifteenth time, Hitler interrupted him "Wait... did you say 'no territorial alterations?'"
"Yes, why..."
"HAH! I have never said such things! You're always the same, treacherous communists! Trying to trick me into signing a humiliating peace! But this time you won't get away with it, dirty infidel! Get back to the Soviet Union du schweinhund, and never set foot on this soil again!
"But... but...!"
"BENITO! Call the guards, this man is molesting me!"
Three guards took Molotov by force and dragged him into a Volkswagen. No-one would hear about him, or about his mental sanity, again.
