Introduction
The interior of the hut was cramped, uncomfortable and humid. A variety of mangey animal pelts were scattered around the floor in a vague attempt to make the place feel more comfortable, but the only thing anyone who was foolish enough to sit on them ended up feeling was itchy, as the myriad insects that made their home in them swarmed forth. A large brass bowl was balanced precariously on a rickety wooden table in the middle of the mess of furs, and it was from here that great gouts of sickly smelling smoke were slowly dissipating. Grigor Gardman-Aghbania, count of Suenik, coughed loudly and waved his hand in front of his face, in a vain attempt to clear the smog that had settled over his eyes, and which was stinging like hell. The woman that knelt opposite him, her face partially obscured by a tatty black robe, cackled gleefully. Grigor frowned.
"Well, THAT was an oddly specific prophecy. You seriously saw all THAT in your horrible, smokey fire?"
The woman cackled again - a high pitched, irritating noise that - if it were written down - went something like "EEEE-hehehehehehehehehe!" Grigor rolled his eyes.
"Oh for goodness sake, you can quit with the crone act now; I'm not some silly girl coming to you for a love potion. Besides, you're only 32."
The woman sagged visibly and rearranged her sitting position to one that was more comfortable - no mean feat when you feel like you're being eaten alive by a thousand, tiny, biting insects. She pulled back her hood and scowled.
"You're no fun. Atmosphere is very important when soothsaying. There are some countries where they won't let you practice proper fortune telling with out all the correct trappings."
"Yeah, and there are other countries out there where you'd be burned at the stake for having 'all the correct trappings' so be thankful I'm such a wise and benevolent ruler."
Grigor frowned again.
He did that a lot.
In fact, it was a family trait. Most Gardman-Aghbanias found themselves frowning more often than not, because usually fate tended to deal them the sort of hand that necessitated frowning.
Or crying.
Or screaming.
The last one was pretty popular - probably more so than the frowning.
"So, you're being straight up with me - everything you saw was true? All of that is going to happen?"
She nodded and grinned.
"Yup - straight up. Pretty cool, huh?"
Grigor blanched, mainly as an alternative to frowning.
"Er...NO!"
This seemed to catch the fortune teller off guard, whose grin promptly vanished.
"What do you mean 'Er...NO!'? That was a quality fortune - one of the best I've ever told. You're going to take your shi...er...modest little county and become the dominant power in the world! There was excitement, adventure, derring-do..."
By this point Grigor was shaking his head and holding up a hand.
"Forget all that - what about the psychopaths, the devil worship, the ghosts, the rivers of blood, the miles and miles of bodies littering the pages of history. Oh yeah, and the fact that the final family member you mention ENDS UP IN HELL???"
"Well, when you put it like that, Mr Glass-Half-Empty..."
With a scattering of mangy furs, Grigor pushed himself to his feat.
"No way - I don't want any part of that."
The fortune teller held her hands up.
"Aw, come on! Your family get to be emperors of Germany!"
"I don't even know what that is! What's a Germany? Is it a country? A town?"
The flames in the brass bowl seemed to flicker and the fortune teller's eyes rolled back in her head.
"And lo, brother shall fight brother. A great eagle shall spread its wings, the shadow from which will cover from Persia to the Rhine. A three headed..."
She was suddenly cut off by the pelt that Grigor hurled in her direction.
"Enough! Cut it out. No more of that rubbish. I'm not interested. I'm going home."
"What do you mean you're not interested?"
"Simply what I'm saying - I don't want any part in your stupid prophecy - it sounds horrible. My descendents...they all sound mental."
The fortune teller waved her arms in a faintly silly, but what she assumed was properly mystic, way.
"Fates designs cannot be denied. Even now, you chart history's course with your very actions."
Grigor stopped at the door of the hut and turned to face her, a sly smile creasing his typically serious features.
"I can't deny fate's design, eh? You're saying what you have foreseen will happen regardless? That I'm powerless to resist."
"Yeah, pretty much that. Because of...er...mystic reasons. And the tides of starlight. And angels. And other things."
"Riiiight. I'll prove to you that this is all a load of old bollocks."
By this time the fortune teller was on her feet, hands planted firmly on her ample hips.
"Oh yeah? And how do you plan to do that?"
"Simple - I'm going to change history right this minute. I'm going to do something that you never saw in your vision."
She arched an eyebrow.
"Go on. This will be good."
"I'm changing the name of my country. In your vision you referred to Suenik. Well, I'm changing it's name to Syunik. With a Y."
"Look, that's hardly changing the course of history. In fact, it's cheating. They sound the same. No dice. You've changed nothing."
"Nope. I totally have changed history - you never saw it spelt with a Y in any of your silly visions, did you?"
"Well, to be fair..."
"Ha! Look at that - I've denied fate! I'll see you later, lady!"
With that, Grigor Gardman-Aghbania, count of Syunik, wandered off into the night, to carve out a destiny for himself, hopefully free from the shackles of history.
---
Old hands may remember, but back in 2009 I created a comedy AAR in the original Crusader Kings, based around the middle eastern minor country of Suenik. This little realm is unique in that it is one of the only Christian realms in the Middle East, surrounded by angry Turks, and therefore is something of a challenge to play! The original AAR was a lot of fun, and when it finished I had a few people ask "Will you ever do something in CKII?" Well now, six years on from when the original AAR finished, I've decided to give it a pop.
I have no idea if my gameplay will ever reach the heights it did in the original AAR, but that was never the intention even back then - the goal was always to roleplay the characters and all the crazy situations that the game world threw at me. Sadly, it appears that the Gardman-Aghbanias are no more, so I've had to create them myself. Here's hoping I can survive long enough to make an interesting tale!
"Well, THAT was an oddly specific prophecy. You seriously saw all THAT in your horrible, smokey fire?"
The woman cackled again - a high pitched, irritating noise that - if it were written down - went something like "EEEE-hehehehehehehehehe!" Grigor rolled his eyes.
"Oh for goodness sake, you can quit with the crone act now; I'm not some silly girl coming to you for a love potion. Besides, you're only 32."
The woman sagged visibly and rearranged her sitting position to one that was more comfortable - no mean feat when you feel like you're being eaten alive by a thousand, tiny, biting insects. She pulled back her hood and scowled.
"You're no fun. Atmosphere is very important when soothsaying. There are some countries where they won't let you practice proper fortune telling with out all the correct trappings."
"Yeah, and there are other countries out there where you'd be burned at the stake for having 'all the correct trappings' so be thankful I'm such a wise and benevolent ruler."
Grigor frowned again.
He did that a lot.
In fact, it was a family trait. Most Gardman-Aghbanias found themselves frowning more often than not, because usually fate tended to deal them the sort of hand that necessitated frowning.
Or crying.
Or screaming.
The last one was pretty popular - probably more so than the frowning.
"So, you're being straight up with me - everything you saw was true? All of that is going to happen?"
She nodded and grinned.
"Yup - straight up. Pretty cool, huh?"
Grigor blanched, mainly as an alternative to frowning.
"Er...NO!"
This seemed to catch the fortune teller off guard, whose grin promptly vanished.
"What do you mean 'Er...NO!'? That was a quality fortune - one of the best I've ever told. You're going to take your shi...er...modest little county and become the dominant power in the world! There was excitement, adventure, derring-do..."
By this point Grigor was shaking his head and holding up a hand.
"Forget all that - what about the psychopaths, the devil worship, the ghosts, the rivers of blood, the miles and miles of bodies littering the pages of history. Oh yeah, and the fact that the final family member you mention ENDS UP IN HELL???"
"Well, when you put it like that, Mr Glass-Half-Empty..."
With a scattering of mangy furs, Grigor pushed himself to his feat.
"No way - I don't want any part of that."
The fortune teller held her hands up.
"Aw, come on! Your family get to be emperors of Germany!"
"I don't even know what that is! What's a Germany? Is it a country? A town?"
The flames in the brass bowl seemed to flicker and the fortune teller's eyes rolled back in her head.
"And lo, brother shall fight brother. A great eagle shall spread its wings, the shadow from which will cover from Persia to the Rhine. A three headed..."
She was suddenly cut off by the pelt that Grigor hurled in her direction.
"Enough! Cut it out. No more of that rubbish. I'm not interested. I'm going home."
"What do you mean you're not interested?"
"Simply what I'm saying - I don't want any part in your stupid prophecy - it sounds horrible. My descendents...they all sound mental."
The fortune teller waved her arms in a faintly silly, but what she assumed was properly mystic, way.
"Fates designs cannot be denied. Even now, you chart history's course with your very actions."
Grigor stopped at the door of the hut and turned to face her, a sly smile creasing his typically serious features.
"I can't deny fate's design, eh? You're saying what you have foreseen will happen regardless? That I'm powerless to resist."
"Yeah, pretty much that. Because of...er...mystic reasons. And the tides of starlight. And angels. And other things."
"Riiiight. I'll prove to you that this is all a load of old bollocks."
By this time the fortune teller was on her feet, hands planted firmly on her ample hips.
"Oh yeah? And how do you plan to do that?"
"Simple - I'm going to change history right this minute. I'm going to do something that you never saw in your vision."
She arched an eyebrow.
"Go on. This will be good."
"I'm changing the name of my country. In your vision you referred to Suenik. Well, I'm changing it's name to Syunik. With a Y."
"Look, that's hardly changing the course of history. In fact, it's cheating. They sound the same. No dice. You've changed nothing."
"Nope. I totally have changed history - you never saw it spelt with a Y in any of your silly visions, did you?"
"Well, to be fair..."
"Ha! Look at that - I've denied fate! I'll see you later, lady!"
With that, Grigor Gardman-Aghbania, count of Syunik, wandered off into the night, to carve out a destiny for himself, hopefully free from the shackles of history.
---
Old hands may remember, but back in 2009 I created a comedy AAR in the original Crusader Kings, based around the middle eastern minor country of Suenik. This little realm is unique in that it is one of the only Christian realms in the Middle East, surrounded by angry Turks, and therefore is something of a challenge to play! The original AAR was a lot of fun, and when it finished I had a few people ask "Will you ever do something in CKII?" Well now, six years on from when the original AAR finished, I've decided to give it a pop.
I have no idea if my gameplay will ever reach the heights it did in the original AAR, but that was never the intention even back then - the goal was always to roleplay the characters and all the crazy situations that the game world threw at me. Sadly, it appears that the Gardman-Aghbanias are no more, so I've had to create them myself. Here's hoping I can survive long enough to make an interesting tale!
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