SUENIK RELOADED
CHAPTER 52 - MANGYSHLAK! ER...BLESS YOU?
(1273-1275)
Urgh.
I feel awful.
Sevag assures me he can help with this, and that he has an "Ancient Greek cure all" that he's going to try. Apparently it worked wonders back in Artashes' day, and I'll be back to my old self in no time at all. His enthusiastic - almost demented - grin does nothing to convince me there's any veracity to his overwhelming confidence.
*cough*
I'm even less convinced when he places a bag that appears to be wriggling down onto the table and whacks it with a heavy-duty mason's hammer.
The wet splattering sound it makes turns my stomach and necessitates a dash to the privy to throw up, but achieves precious little else.
Two hours of being basted in toad-juice later, and I'm interrupted in the business of drying myself off by a rather excited chancellor who claims that he's found a musty old document that proves Suenik's true dominion over some random horse lord's land to our east.
I thank him for this, and order the necessary preparations.
*cough*
Now, I know what you are thinking? Why am I acting like this? After all, aren't I meant to be busying myself with improving the lot of the realm, and not squandering lives on frivolous foreign adventures?
*cough*
I promised that many years ago, didn't i?
Bear with me - there's some logic at work here. You see - everyone in the kingdom is terribly, terribly, TERRIBLY down in the dumps, what with the annual visit of our good ol' friend Consumption, so I need something to distract the masses from the piles of bodies being burnt in the streets. Therefore, what better way to draw their attention than by a good ol' foreign war. That way, we can even get a load of them out of the country whilst consumption runs its course.
That way, it'll stop them getting nonsensical ideas into their heads that result in them burning down churches because of cat-related heresy or some other such idiocy.
Plus, it's suitable payback for all those times I've been raided by the horse people.
What?
Stop looking at me like that...
*cough*
I'm on my way back to the bed chambers to lie down after all the excitement of launching my first invasion, when I catch sight of my beautiful, amazing and wonderful wife, and it's at that point that I realise that I've forgotten something. I thrust a finger into the air, wave sheepishly at her and scurry back to my commanders.
Very soon, a mighty host is raised. I don't feel the need to call on my vassals just yet, and before we know it, the men are off to Mangyshlak (with a brief stop over to butcher some of the interminable raiders that plague my lands on the way - you know what they say about practice).
I, however, am not going with them. "Mangyshlak" pretty much sounds like the noise I'm making every time I stop to cough - which is every few minutes these days.
*cough*
As I'm waiting to receive word of the crushing victory my forces have inflicted on the Khan of Mangyshlak, I get some good news - the statue that I commissioned has now finally finished.
However, this creates a dilemma for me.
*cough*
Who do I name it after? On one hand, I commissioned it after my first wife - who was perfect, angelic and fabulous - but, on the other hand, my second wife is also wonderful, demure and incredible. The good news is, Suenikian craftsman are so shoddy that it'll bear enough of likeness to whomever I eventually decide to name it after. At the moment, "generic female ruler statue" will have to do.
*cough*
Elsewhere, it appears that the good people of Novogorod may soon be having some rather irate visitors.
Honestly, these folks need to learn the value of a good, royal marriage!
Months pass, and my forces finally arrive in the lands of our lifelong ancestral foes the Mangyshlak...er...ians and win a victory that will be sung of for centuries to come.
I don't let the fact that some wits are referring to the "Light skirmish of Buzachi" put me off.
A win's a win, right?
*cough cough*
Eventually though, these hawks get their way, and my army makes contact with the main *cough cough cough* Mangyshlakian force.
With odds like that this will be over in no time (although I make a mental note to have words with my commanders about the five thousand or so men that appear to have sloped off between the campaign being launched and this battle).
Ah - yes.
This is Suenik.
Of course the Khan of the Mangyshlakians and his two sons are built like complete beasts and are capable of defeating my armies single handedly, whilst all my good generals are locked up in their castles hiding from consumption.
*cough cough*
The battle report makes for particularly interesting reading. Despite the slaughter of Suenik's finest, I'm utterly fascinated by the lone peasant spearman who enthusiastically joined the Mangyshlakian host on their march to war and end up dying for the cause.
Right. Forces in full retreat. Time to call up the vassals and see if we can salvage this.
*cough cough cough*
Oddly enough, after reading the battle report, I see all my councillors standing around, almost as if they are listening for something.
I ask them what they are waiting for, but when I hear the pathetic death rattle from down the corridor I immediately get it.
That's right - they were waiting for the NEXT bit of bad news to hit...
This is Suenik and all that jazz...
*cough cough cough cough*
I rush to my wife's bedside, yelling for Sevag and praying to the Almighty for salvation. Showing devotion like I've never done before, I beg for a sign from Above that everything is going to be ok.
OH COME ON!
*cough cough cough*
That has to be a coincidence, right?
*cough*
Sevag punched me on the arm, mutters something about "best of three" and winks but I ignore him. Why is this happening? I have tried to be pious all of my life - I've given to charity, I've improved the lot of the unfortunate and I've earnestly tried to put the good of the kingdom above that of everyone else. Surely in this, my hour of need, all that good work should bear fruit?
As I'm contemplating this, Duke Vahan chooses to pass away to Consumption in a manner that, given my current mood, kind of feels like he's showing off...
Given that his father received the same honour, I'm beginning to wonder whether the Duchy of Agbhania might be contributing to the Patriarch's Caspian Sea holiday retreat that's currently being built.
*cough cough*
Sulkily I return to the bed chambers where my wife, it turns out, isn't quite as bed ridden as Sevag suggested.
A few weeks later and it's my daughter's birthday. It appears that she has chosen to follow that path in life favoured by all Suenikian women.
As a birthday gift, my vassals finally get their act together and start conquering the lands of the Mangyshakians.
It turns out, it's pretty easy as long as their armies aren't around. At least this little distraction gives my main force time to "tactically regroup" (or, to put it another way, "stop running in fear").
Still, this is Suenik, and for every tiny victory, there is a great, big punch in the cock waiting in the wings.
Thanks Reinhard. Just when all my armies are away you decided to make the consumption-ridden and extremely unhappy peasants even unhappier to the point where they're ready to rise up and burn the whole place to the ground...
*cough cough cough*
Thankfully, the peasants' hearts simply aren't in it, and no revolt ever surfaces.
Months pass, battles are won, bodies are burned, but finally I get some truly joyous news.
19
This is fantastic.
*cough*
Not as fantastic as, say, consumption vanishing from the realm and never coming back...
*cough cough*
...but pretty fantastic none the less. I am very happy.
*cough cough cough*
Once myself an Bulughan are better we'll have a proper celebration.
*cough cough cough cough*
We're both pretty under the weather right now...
*cough cough cough cough cough*
But once this is passed, we'll have the biggest party the realm has ever seen! We'll properly celebrate Gadar's birthday...
*cough cough cough cough cough cough*
...we'll laurel the heroes of Mangyshlak, and we'll do it all in the shadow of the statue of generic female ruler that I'll boldly name after Bulughan.
*cough cough cough cough cough cough cough*
It'll be amazing. I'll stop worrying about my piety, and I'll simply give thanks for the good life I have right now, and all the joy it brings me. Because, consumption aside, life is pretty g...
*cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough*
ACK.
*THUD*
How will King Gurgen fare? Will he have a raving psychopath determined to ruin the kingdom as his regent? Will Consumption ever get bored of killing Suenikian monarchs? Find out on the next exciting episode of Suenik Reloaded!
