A funny, sweet and light-hearted AAR about trials and tribulations of Gardman-Aghbanians in strange realm of Suenik, a excellent read if you want something different from epic, serious and narrative AARs.
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Suenik Reloaded
- Thread starter iain_a_wilson
- Start date
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In fairness to Balderick, I think that was one in twenty four...wait...have I just calculated Toros' odds?
Hahhahahaah he is such a classical Suenikian guy
Interestingly I'm feeling the plan will (mostly) work but there will be some chickens thrown that's for sure
That was the peasant uprising. As a player I was sitting there and thinking "REALLY? AT THIS TIME????" Then I realised what country I was playing....
All I can say is, in CK2, “the best laid plans of mice and men” are seldom cunning, or even... well... plans.
"Kneejerk" and "Panicky" are more apt.
Lol Roupen's education level
Yeah - I honestly didn't realise until I got that message.
That's not a bad point. I might have Toros parade before the enemy with a sign saying "You really want THIS place? Have you met our women?"
Stay tuned....
1. Remind me not to be around when the arse crackers go off!
2. Inbred, cow-faced imbecile for a son. At least he isn’t the heir! Oh wait, what do you mean there’s been an accident ...
3. The plan will work, with an invincible mercenary host hired to smash the invaders, the leaders of which will all be serviced with arse crackers. Shock and awe style.
4. Then, in true post-shock and awe (and Suenikian) style, the resulting peace will be butchered horribly. A series of disasters will proliferate, where the hapless leader of Suenik (probably Roupen by then, according to the Unelective Inbredkind succession system) stumbles from one crisis to another.
5. It will all end in a puff adder suppository for whoever is running the joint by then.
It sounds like you're trying out for a commission in the Suenikian high command with a plan like that.
And I'm glad the arse crackers have amused you
I'm glad you're enjoying it - I might just use this post as a tag line
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Roupen is going to end up as the next ruler isn't he? It would be a violation of the grandest traditions of Suenik if he didn't.
Assuming of course that the "Cunning Plan" doesn't result in the utter destruction and annexation of the realm, which I wouldn't rule out.
Assuming of course that the "Cunning Plan" doesn't result in the utter destruction and annexation of the realm, which I wouldn't rule out.
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CHAPTER 27 - THE GREATEST
SUENIK RELOADED
CHAPTER 27 - THE GREATEST
(1167 - 1169)
Right... Down to business.CHAPTER 27 - THE GREATEST
(1167 - 1169)
The Cunning Plan (TM) is basically a twist on the Grigor Defence (TM).
Rather than give a load of money to The Bad Man whilst begging and whimpering at him to please, please, PLEASE leave me alone, I'm going to give a ton of money to some freebooting mercenary types, and whimper and beg them to please, please, PLEASE help my beleaguered forces boot The Bad Man out of Suenik.
Let's see if Captain Bonu and his men are up to the job...
Oh yeah!
Turns out that they are very much value for money! The Emir is expecting to face down a bunch of demoralised Suenikians, and instead he found himself facing...well, a bunch of demoralised Suenikians reinforced by a well drilled mob of bloodthirsty badass Bonu boys (how's that for some alliterative action?).
Amidst all the cheering, toasting and general merry making that accompanies this significant victory, my steward comes to me and points out that whilst the bloodthirsty badass Bonu boys are great, they ARE a bit of a drain on the old war chest... I raise an eyebrow and point out that, as my steward, wasn't it his job to ensure that the riches continued to pour in to support the war effort?
I may have made that last announcement whilst walking around the Royal Piranha pools - they've not been used for a while - but he comes through like a champ!
With a renewed supply of wealth, my (and Bonu's) forces sweep to victory and soon the Emir is begging for mercy, and admitting what a terrible mistake he made.
Interestingly, while he pays good money to have his son returned to him, the Emir is really not that fussed about having his daughters and wife sent home. My Arabic is a bit rusty, but I'm sure in the negotiations he said something along the lines of "Nah mate. You can keep them." Or was it "They're your problem now"?
And, before any of you start chanting "PIR-AN-HA POOL! PIR-AN-HA POOL!", I'm not having them executed. I put them under house arrest and let them live in relative comfort. Oddly, Vahide seems strangely relieved by this. It's almost like she didn't want to go home...
Once the finer points of diplomacy are sorted out, it's down to the celebrations! Bunting is hung, music is playing, Bonu's men are fed enough ale to stun a crash of rhinos, I lead a parade of Suenik's finest, battle-hardened warriors through the street, resplendent in my golden armour. It looks curiously untouched next to the nicked and pitted stuff my men are wearing but I have the bards put that down to my superior prowess as a warrior and not the fact that I spent the entire war closeted in my fortress.
Everyone is happy.
Everything is peaceful...
...well, as peaceful as things can be when the ale is flowing and there's a load of battle-hardened veterans consuming (quaffing?) it...
I let it go.
Hijinks, am I right?
What I don't let go is this shit...
No way.
I've just put this place back together. I'm not going to let some horse bothering ingrate from the east tear it apart!
In fact, I don't care if he's got a horde at his back - I've got loads of battle-scarred, drunk veterans, fresh from battle ready to tear him apart.
Go get 'em boys...I mean...let US go get 'em...
Bards, take note - I led my forces to victory again, capiche?
Really?
That's it?
That's what passes as a horde these days?
The battle is mercifully quick.
Everyone agrees that horse tastes like chewy steak.
Meanwhile, as I'm off subduing the heathen and bringing peace to the realm, my steward continues to play a blinder and keeps the home fires burning.
He's amazing! Best Steward Suenik has ever seen. With him at my side we will continue to go from strength to strength. The realm will be flush with gold! Riches will abound!
Oh.
Wait.
This is Suenik, right?
He will be missed.
I'll tell you who won't be missed though, it's this snivelling little rat...
Who does he think he is, making demands like this?
Who does he think I am? Does he really think that I would prostitute my land like that?
I'm sick of this assumption that I'm some kind of snivelling weakling!
I'm the ruler who delivered Suenik from the two worst foes they've ever seen!
I'm the banisher of raiders!
I'm the ruler who is going to lead this realm to greatness!
Suenik?
FUCK YEAH.
Is a golden age on the horizon? Will Suenik expand into greatness? Have the raids finally stopped? Find out in the next exciting episode of Suenik Reloaded!
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My prediction - Huge horde invasion in the next update followed by Toros collapsing dead from a heart attack at the least opportune time.
It's got to be something like that, to bring back balance to the force. Because at the moment things are going far too well.
It's got to be something like that, to bring back balance to the force. Because at the moment things are going far too well.
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That actually went pretty well. Indeed, I had to check this was Suenik Reloaded and not some ordinary, regular, competently governed country. But then I remembered pride always precedes the perilous and precipitate plunge into the piranha pool. So am waiting to see what tragic mishap follows.
PS: too much alliteration is never enough.
But then I remembered pride always precedes the perilous and precipitate plunge into the piranha pool. So am waiting to see what tragic mishap follows.PS: too much alliteration is never enough.
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He is clearly great, and one of the greatest Suenik. It probably won't last given the family background.
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I’m already trying to figure out who’s in line for succession. Successive successful successions are a rare thing in suenik
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The Sultan just wants his daughters to become priperly Suenik and wreck the country. The piranhas really need some food, or they'll starve! Don't make the poor creatures suffer!
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So our hero drops dead next and is followed by an inbred insane devil worshipper, right?
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Subbed!
Great AAR. Had to read the whole 14 pages (so far) in one go and relished it!
Great AAR. Had to read the whole 14 pages (so far) in one go and relished it!
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Hi all,
Apologies about the massive delay in a response here - work and life has been hectic as you like!
Bear with me - another update is imminent (and thanks for sticking with this).
Cheers,
Iain
Apologies about the massive delay in a response here - work and life has been hectic as you like!
Bear with me - another update is imminent (and thanks for sticking with this).
Cheers,
Iain
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Nice! I’d been pining for the (figurative) fjords of Suenik and hoping it might make a return.
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At least it's good to know you're still out there, sir. We'll wait patiently
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Hi Iain! Sorry, I have been away from this forum for far too long. Good to be back and see that you are up to your old tactics! Any new news to report in?
Any new news to report in?- 1
nec·ro·man·cy
/ˈnekrəˌmansē/
noun
1. the supposed practice of communicating with the dead, especially in order to predict the future.
2. The act of posting in a thread on an Internet forum, that is already considered dead or/and out of discussion.
Now, before some nice soul rushes in here and screams "It's been almost three years since your last update, Iain!" I know, I know. I'm a bad man. However, this was largely down to, around three years ago (funnily enough) my old machine dying and me getting a new one. Saddest thing about the death of said machine was me losing all my beautiful save files and screen captures detailing the glorious chronicles of Suenik. Duke Toros was having a great old time - in fact, in the VERY LAST UPDATE Toros literally said this:
And it carried on in that vein. Prosperity, expansion...just all round general greatness. Heck, he even went chasing immortality.
Yes, he died horribly.
This is Suenik after all.
Then his son took over and had a less great time of things, and last time I played he was facing down some horrible rebellion...and I never got to find out what happened because of the Machine Death and Subsequent Loss of Goodness...
...now, fast forward almost three years later, I'm bored at Christmas time and I decide "I know - I'll revisit that old chestnut, Crusader Kings II" (because nothing says celebrating the birth of the Prince of Peace like a violent middle ages dynastic simulator"). I literally hadn't played since the Great Crash of '19 so it was fun getting back to grips with it. I played from the 769 bookmark (got horribly owned), I played as an Indian monarch, I dabbled in Islam. This game has so much to offer.
And it was then, that the gods of CKII, clearly appeased by my return to the fold and my newfound piety, revealed something beautiful...
...my old Suenik games had saved to the cloud!
Now, whilst this means that there's going to be a gap of almost twenty years (does that mean that CKII years are like cat years with 7 of them equalling one RL year?) it does mean that I'm going to pick up this ARR where it left off!
So, long story short - this isn't thread necromancy, I AM bringing back a VERY dusty ARR and hoping people might still want to read it.
As befits a chaotic reintroduction to an old story, things are suitably chaotic way down Armenia way...
Hopefully, your erstwhile host, Duke Tachat I, will be able to do something about it...
What is next for Suenik? Will Tachat crush the rebellion? Why is he hanging on to so many titles? What is his family like? Will anyone still read this? Find out in the next exciting instalment of Suenik Reloaded (literally, in this case).
/ˈnekrəˌmansē/
noun
1. the supposed practice of communicating with the dead, especially in order to predict the future.
2. The act of posting in a thread on an Internet forum, that is already considered dead or/and out of discussion.
Now, before some nice soul rushes in here and screams "It's been almost three years since your last update, Iain!" I know, I know. I'm a bad man. However, this was largely down to, around three years ago (funnily enough) my old machine dying and me getting a new one. Saddest thing about the death of said machine was me losing all my beautiful save files and screen captures detailing the glorious chronicles of Suenik. Duke Toros was having a great old time - in fact, in the VERY LAST UPDATE Toros literally said this:
And it carried on in that vein. Prosperity, expansion...just all round general greatness. Heck, he even went chasing immortality.
Yes, he died horribly.
This is Suenik after all.
Then his son took over and had a less great time of things, and last time I played he was facing down some horrible rebellion...and I never got to find out what happened because of the Machine Death and Subsequent Loss of Goodness...
...now, fast forward almost three years later, I'm bored at Christmas time and I decide "I know - I'll revisit that old chestnut, Crusader Kings II" (because nothing says celebrating the birth of the Prince of Peace like a violent middle ages dynastic simulator"). I literally hadn't played since the Great Crash of '19 so it was fun getting back to grips with it. I played from the 769 bookmark (got horribly owned), I played as an Indian monarch, I dabbled in Islam. This game has so much to offer.
And it was then, that the gods of CKII, clearly appeased by my return to the fold and my newfound piety, revealed something beautiful...
...my old Suenik games had saved to the cloud!
Now, whilst this means that there's going to be a gap of almost twenty years (does that mean that CKII years are like cat years with 7 of them equalling one RL year?) it does mean that I'm going to pick up this ARR where it left off!
So, long story short - this isn't thread necromancy, I AM bringing back a VERY dusty ARR and hoping people might still want to read it.
As befits a chaotic reintroduction to an old story, things are suitably chaotic way down Armenia way...
Hopefully, your erstwhile host, Duke Tachat I, will be able to do something about it...
What is next for Suenik? Will Tachat crush the rebellion? Why is he hanging on to so many titles? What is his family like? Will anyone still read this? Find out in the next exciting instalment of Suenik Reloaded (literally, in this case).
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