Plan S - Invade Switzerland...*in Mike Myers accent from Goldmember* "for the goooooooold."
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This AAr is awsome. I hope for the best for your little Slovakia. Once you get permission my vote will be plan R.
Failure is the only option, I think Slovakia should declare war on itself it's the only nation it can realistically beat at this point.
I'm back! Admittedly I was away slightly longer than intended, but as the rules on interactive AARs appear to now cover any kind of audience interaction I suppose missing the end of voting deadline wasn't actually a problem.
I must confess after seeing all the votes declared null and void I somewhat lost heart and was going to just abandon this one. But then I noticed people hadn't been put off and had very kindly voted this as Favorite Comedy AAR in the AARland choice awards, which really did cheer me up considerably. So thanks to all of you who voted, it does mean a lot and has given me a shot in the arm to re-start this one. Also special thanks to loki100 for the mention in the AARlander, I could hardly abandon it now after you told everyone to go read it could I?
And now back to Slovakia, where our heroes Tiso and Tuka are about to meet those who hold the awesome responsibility of leading the Slovakian Armed Forces.
I must confess after seeing all the votes declared null and void I somewhat lost heart and was going to just abandon this one. But then I noticed people hadn't been put off and had very kindly voted this as Favorite Comedy AAR in the AARland choice awards, which really did cheer me up considerably. So thanks to all of you who voted, it does mean a lot and has given me a shot in the arm to re-start this one. Also special thanks to loki100 for the mention in the AARlander, I could hardly abandon it now after you told everyone to go read it could I?
And now back to Slovakia, where our heroes Tiso and Tuka are about to meet those who hold the awesome responsibility of leading the Slovakian Armed Forces.
25th June 1944
25th June
Still mulling grand strategy Tiso and Tuka are continuing their review of the Slovak Armed Forces.
"Well lets get this farce over and done with." Tuka said, still not in the best of moods at the mere idea of a service by service review. Any further ranting was interrupted by the arrival of General Jozef Turanec.
"The Hero General Turanec, victorious leader of the legendary Slovak Fast Division!" Tuka exclaimed.
"Well it's obvious what service you are here to represent, so what is the state of the Army?" Tiso asked.
"I'm not actually here for that." Turanec admitted.
Tiso and Tuka looked confused, then Tuka had an idea.
"So you here from the air force? After your close work with the German 17th Army you have returned to Bratislava to spread the gospel of close air support and air-army co-operation?"
"I'm not here for that either." Turanec had the decency to look somewhat embarrassed.
"Not?!"
"Yes, I'm afraid so." Turanec said.
"But why? Why is one of the few non-German holders of the Knight's Cross of the Iron Cross wasting his time being Chief of the Navy when we haven't even got a coastline let along a navy?" Tuka cried.
"No idea." Turanec said. "I just replied to an advert in the Daily Puppet offering the chance to 'Earn thousands of Koruna in your spare time', so I sent off an application form and got the job."
"So you're saying our Chief of the Navy only works part time?" Tiso asked.
"Yes, mainly evenings and weekends. The rest of the time I'm still head of the Slovak Combat Group." Turanec confirmed.
A rare display of Slovakian common sense, it's not like they need a full time Chief of the Navy anyway.
Still mulling grand strategy Tiso and Tuka are continuing their review of the Slovak Armed Forces.
"Well lets get this farce over and done with." Tuka said, still not in the best of moods at the mere idea of a service by service review. Any further ranting was interrupted by the arrival of General Jozef Turanec.
"The Hero General Turanec, victorious leader of the legendary Slovak Fast Division!" Tuka exclaimed.
"Well it's obvious what service you are here to represent, so what is the state of the Army?" Tiso asked.
"I'm not actually here for that." Turanec admitted.
Tiso and Tuka looked confused, then Tuka had an idea.
"So you here from the air force? After your close work with the German 17th Army you have returned to Bratislava to spread the gospel of close air support and air-army co-operation?"
"I'm not here for that either." Turanec had the decency to look somewhat embarrassed.
"Not?!"
"Yes, I'm afraid so." Turanec said.
"But why? Why is one of the few non-German holders of the Knight's Cross of the Iron Cross wasting his time being Chief of the Navy when we haven't even got a coastline let along a navy?" Tuka cried.
"No idea." Turanec said. "I just replied to an advert in the Daily Puppet offering the chance to 'Earn thousands of Koruna in your spare time', so I sent off an application form and got the job."
"So you're saying our Chief of the Navy only works part time?" Tiso asked.
"Yes, mainly evenings and weekends. The rest of the time I'm still head of the Slovak Combat Group." Turanec confirmed.
A rare display of Slovakian common sense, it's not like they need a full time Chief of the Navy anyway.
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It's back. Good, good. Now, don't go knocking the Navy too hard - there's bound to be a river somewhere in Slovakia somewhere and if reading RUS AARs has taught me anything, it's that a few flotillas of antiquated gunboats can stop the whole Red Army dead in its tracks, whether they're brilliantly led by Trotsky from his special armored train or not. It's a fact.
<Nods sagely>
Anyway, it worked during the Russian Civil War in the 1920s, and since we all know that Slovakia has barely even made it into the 20th century, it should work even better here, right?
<Nods sagely>
Anyway, it worked during the Russian Civil War in the 1920s, and since we all know that Slovakia has barely even made it into the 20th century, it should work even better here, right?
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good to see this back and kicking (or whimpering pathetically in the face of the Red Army at least). And Stuyvesant is right, all you need is a few river gunboats and (if you were playing a completely different game with a completely different game engine) 2nd Ukrainian would stop at the first navigable puddle
I don't want to be pessimistic but I'm pretty sure the Red Army had amphibious tanks in 1944 (and a while before actually). So you might hold at a river the time to bring them but then...
I'm glad to see this AAR back, it was one of my favorite. You can't just leave it unfinished, there's so much suspense. We want to know how it end !
I can honestly say Ive never played a hoi game in my life, but your humor has hooked me in.
Keep it up, Subbed!
Keep it up, Subbed!
Turanec can handle two jobs at once? When all around him struggle to comprehend just one? A truly remarkable man!
eqqman - Thanks, good to be back.
Stuyvesant - Once again you are making wild assumptions about Slovakia, assuming they even have gunboats. Or indeed boats.
Surt - The slovak army is a sight to make a general quake with fear. OK so it's mainly Slovakian generals quaking in fear but it's a start right?
loki100 - There will be no whimpering! The Slovakian army will go out kicking. True I'm not sure you can kick a T-34 to death, but kicking is all they have.
Archam - I think we all know how this is going to end.
But thanks for the warm welcome back.
The_Unificator - I'm back in the groove now and I'd like another completed AAR so this one is going to the end.
mnplastic - Of course when Slovakian intelligence found out about 'tanks' they assumed it was just a large collection of containers for water....
SiikFajitas - Now that's a compliment, thanks!
SSmith - Turanec has two jobs, that is not the same thing as handling two jobs.
And now back to Slovakia!
Stuyvesant - Once again you are making wild assumptions about Slovakia, assuming they even have gunboats. Or indeed boats.
Surt - The slovak army is a sight to make a general quake with fear. OK so it's mainly Slovakian generals quaking in fear but it's a start right?
loki100 - There will be no whimpering! The Slovakian army will go out kicking. True I'm not sure you can kick a T-34 to death, but kicking is all they have.
Archam - I think we all know how this is going to end.
But thanks for the warm welcome back.The_Unificator - I'm back in the groove now and I'd like another completed AAR so this one is going to the end.
mnplastic - Of course when Slovakian intelligence found out about 'tanks' they assumed it was just a large collection of containers for water....
SiikFajitas - Now that's a compliment, thanks!
SSmith - Turanec has two jobs, that is not the same thing as handling two jobs.
And now back to Slovakia!
25th June 1944
25th June
Tiso and Tuka are discussing the deepening mystery of the Chief of the Navy with the General Malar. Starting with why he's only part time, the question of why a landlocked country has a Chief of the Navy being too painful to even think about.
"Not that I doubt General Turanec's qualities, but shouldn't be be devoting all his efforts to his army duties?" Tiso asked.
"Ordinarily I'd agree, but he was by far the outstanding candidate so we felt we had to appoint him." Malar replied.
"But why? What was so wrong with the other candidates?" Tuka asked.
"Allow me to demonstrate." Malar said, despatching an aide to bring in the other candidate.
Shortly afterwards Jozef Hora walked into the room.
"There must be some mistake, that's the poet Jozef Hora." Tuka exclaimed. "He's completely unqualified."
"And he's Czech." Tiso added.
The assembled men spat on the floor in disgust at the mere thought.
Malar nodded and then said "It gets worse."
"It gets worse?! He's a communist poet famous for writing anti-fascist tracts! How on earth could he be less qualified to be the Chief of the Navy for a right wing autocracy?" Tuka screamed.
"I'll show you." Malar said. Turning to Hora he asked. "So if you were chief of the navy what would be your plans?"
Hora looked up keenly and began outlining detailed schemes for a vast Slovak battefleet that would seek a Mahanian decisive battle to destroy it's enemies.
Malar turned back to Tiso and Tuka and said. "You see it does get worse, he's also an idiot."
Hora's skills could apparently have helped Slovkia retain it's knowledge of capital ship construction, if only it had knowledge of such things in the first place.
Considering the history of the Slovak General Staff Tiso felt this was a bit rich. Turning to General Turanec he asked. "So what is your naval policy?"
"To promote a doctrine of Open Seas." Turanec replied promptly.
"So that's a policy of developing and constructing destroyers to keep open our non-existent sea lanes of communication then?" Tuka asked sarcastically.
Turanec looked offended. "Of course not, that would just be silly. Open Seas is the codename for the long term plan of declaring war on Hungary and Romania and annexing both of them to Greater Slovakia, in order to 'open' a land corridor to the 'seas'."
Both Tiso and Tuka wondered if all the decorations and medals might have gone to Turanec's head.
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Bonus Footnote - According to the internet Jozef Hora was indeed a Czech communist poet.
Tiso and Tuka are discussing the deepening mystery of the Chief of the Navy with the General Malar. Starting with why he's only part time, the question of why a landlocked country has a Chief of the Navy being too painful to even think about.
"Not that I doubt General Turanec's qualities, but shouldn't be be devoting all his efforts to his army duties?" Tiso asked.
"Ordinarily I'd agree, but he was by far the outstanding candidate so we felt we had to appoint him." Malar replied.
"But why? What was so wrong with the other candidates?" Tuka asked.
"Allow me to demonstrate." Malar said, despatching an aide to bring in the other candidate.
Shortly afterwards Jozef Hora walked into the room.
"There must be some mistake, that's the poet Jozef Hora." Tuka exclaimed. "He's completely unqualified."
"And he's Czech." Tiso added.
The assembled men spat on the floor in disgust at the mere thought.
Malar nodded and then said "It gets worse."
"It gets worse?! He's a communist poet famous for writing anti-fascist tracts! How on earth could he be less qualified to be the Chief of the Navy for a right wing autocracy?" Tuka screamed.
"I'll show you." Malar said. Turning to Hora he asked. "So if you were chief of the navy what would be your plans?"
Hora looked up keenly and began outlining detailed schemes for a vast Slovak battefleet that would seek a Mahanian decisive battle to destroy it's enemies.
Malar turned back to Tiso and Tuka and said. "You see it does get worse, he's also an idiot."
Hora's skills could apparently have helped Slovkia retain it's knowledge of capital ship construction, if only it had knowledge of such things in the first place.
Considering the history of the Slovak General Staff Tiso felt this was a bit rich. Turning to General Turanec he asked. "So what is your naval policy?"
"To promote a doctrine of Open Seas." Turanec replied promptly.
"So that's a policy of developing and constructing destroyers to keep open our non-existent sea lanes of communication then?" Tuka asked sarcastically.
Turanec looked offended. "Of course not, that would just be silly. Open Seas is the codename for the long term plan of declaring war on Hungary and Romania and annexing both of them to Greater Slovakia, in order to 'open' a land corridor to the 'seas'."
Both Tiso and Tuka wondered if all the decorations and medals might have gone to Turanec's head.
---
Bonus Footnote - According to the internet Jozef Hora was indeed a Czech communist poet.
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There really is no hope, is there? Reds to the front, Nazis to the back, the skies ruled by the Allies, idiots all around...
I think the Slovaks should start Project Dig: just start digging and hope that you reach China before the Red Army overruns Bratislava. If they don't succeed, at least they'll already be done with their graves, saving some time in that regard.
Wait, the Slovaks do have shovels, right?
Reds to the front, Nazis to the back, the skies ruled by the Allies, idiots all around...I think the Slovaks should start Project Dig: just start digging and hope that you reach China before the Red Army overruns Bratislava. If they don't succeed, at least they'll already be done with their graves, saving some time in that regard.
Wait, the Slovaks do have shovels, right?