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El Pip

Lord of Slower-than-real-time
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Dec 13, 2005
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With a chronic case of writers apathy on my other AAR I need to get back into the writing habit. Obviously it had to a comedy AAR, ideally something unusual to perk my interest but something short so I can actually finish it. There was therefore really one choice; Slovakia in Götterdämmerung.

HOI3 SF plus a little light modding so the D-Day invasion isn't out of supplies before it starts. I really don't expect it to end well, but hopefully I can get a few laughs on the road to defeat. With that, to Bratislava!

20th June 1944

Deep in the heart of the capital, President Jozef Tiso is having a frank discussion with his Prime Minister Vojtech Tuka.

"I'll be honest Tuka, I woke up this morning and found I had forgotten almost everything about the country I'm supposed to be running. I don't even remember appointing you as Prime Minister!"

"What a coincidence!" Tuka replied. "I too have forgotten almost everything and am in need of a convoluted information dump in which things I should already know are explained to me. Shall I arrange a cabinet meeting?"

"No Tuka, that would be far too contrived and clichéd. Instead we are going on a tour of the capital to meet the ministers and break down this helpful exposition into bite sized chunks."

And with that Tiso and Tuka left the office, Tuka narrowly avoiding a nasty fall when he almost tripped over a pile of discarded plot devices.
Since King Haakon I have hoped for another El Pip comedy AAR. I'm in!
21st June 1944
21st June 1944

Tiso and Tuka looked up at the imposing bulk of the Foreign Office, their first port of call.

"Why are we starting here Tiso?" Tuka asked.

"I don't really know. I just have this feeling that Diplomacy is the first thing we should look at, that it is the logical place to start our review." Tiso replied.

"That sounds an excellent reason! It's not like there is anything more urgent or important to look at first." Tuka said. He attempted to carry on but was interrupted by the on-rushing Foreign Minister.

"Welcome, welcome. You are here for the things-you-should-already-know briefing I take it?" Ferdinand Durcansky said. Seeing their nods, he led Tiso and Tuka towards his office. When he arrived he pointed at the large map on the wall.

"As you can only our fellow Axis members like us, and even then apart from Germany most of them aren't really that keen on us. Beyond them almost everyone else either hates us or is utterly indifferent to us." Durcansky was interrupted by an aide sprinting in with urgent news!

"Good news, we have gained an ally in our fight against the decadent West and dastardly Bolsheviks!" Durcansky said.

Tiso thought quickly about who was left in the unaligned world. "Turkey? Nationalist Spain?"

Tuka began wildly speculating. "Perhaps one of the Allies has seen our common enemy is the Soviets and defected to our cause!"

"Actually its Japan's puppet Mengkukuo, they've finally joined the war."


The vital telegram, showing that Japan's control of her puppets was poor to say the least. Though looking at the odds you can see why Mengkukuo was reluctant.

As is often the case, the mysteries of the East left the Westerners speechless.
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Slowhat? Even France looked as a better idea!
Raaritsgozilla - I hope it can live up to your expectations.

Incognitia - The joy of being a puppet is that everything is completely outside my control. So the AI may yet conspire to produce a Slovak victory.

loki100 - Famous last words and all that, but I do think this AAR will be over by Christmas....

Kurt_Steiner - But Slovakia is unique, no-one else has been masochistic enough to take on the challenge. I'm hoping the tragi-comedy tear jerking element will make this a shoe-in for an Oscar! :D
21st June 1944
21st June 1944

Recovering from the shock, Tiso continues looking around the Foreign Minister's office.

"What's that big red number 13 on the wall beneath the Hammer and Sickle?" Tiso asked.

"That's our threat-ometer, it puts a numerical value on our biggest threat. As you can see we believe the Soviets are that much of a threat to us." Durcansky proudly announced

"So the Soviets are a threat of 13 out of 10, I think that's a good reflection of the extreme danger they present." Tuka said

"Uhh. No, actually we think the threat-ometer probably goes up well into the hundreds."

"Tell me, given the Soviet Army is on the Hungarian border and has just entered Romania, how much more threatening can they realistically get?" Tisa asked.

Durcansky was saved from struggling for an answer by an aide rushing in with more telegrams.


Being an Eastern European country the news from the Soviet front was obviously much fresher than that from the West.

As Durcansky announced the breaking news, Tiso and Tuka could merely look on in wonder at the startling efficiency of the Slovak Foreign Ministry and it's up to the minute grasp of foreign affairs.
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  • 1
Can the Slovaks weaponize the discarded plot devices and thus turn the tide of the war?
Disappointed that I am in you that you've abandoned the poor Butterflies, this is highly amusing.
loki100 - As many narrative authors will confirm the events system is a rich source of inspiration for characters and plots. And with my comedy hat on it's the gift that keeps on giving for cheap jokes!

Nathan Madien - I've still got it? Great news!:D

H.Appleby - As we will see the Slovaks may a bit of a problem with that line of thought, for several reasons.

Lord Strange - Abandon the Butterfly? Never! I'm just taking a sabbatical, it's about two years since 'Furious Vengance' and I find I need to take a break and bash out a Comedy AAR every couple of years to keep my writing mojo going.

Of course one solution could be not spending six years writing an AAR that's barely covered 18 months of game time. But frankly that's just crazy talk. ;)
21st June 1944
21st June 1944

Leaving the Foreign Ministry Tiso and Tuka were discussing the need for a new Foreign Minister, until Tiso noticed Tuka fiddling around under his cloak.

"What are you doing Tuka?" He asked.

"Nothing!" Tiso replied hurridedly, pushing his scabbard out of sight.

"I've warned you before about that, it just un-nerves people." Tiso said sternly. Changing the subject he asked "Where to tomorrow?"

"The Ministry of Production, to review raw materials, industry and so on." Tuka said, Tiso nodding along. "Oh and that is also where we keep the General Staff's list of needed troops, so we'll be looking at that as well." Tuka finished.

"What on earth is that doing there? Shouldn't that be in the War Ministry or somewhere?" Tiso asked.

"Apparently not." Tuka said.

Their confusion was interrupted by a runner with a vital message!


If you wish to annoy Tojo, or any other leading Japanese general, merely play 'Master of Puppets' at them loudly. The mocking irony makes them weep bitter, bitter tears.

"I didn't know I was a Generalissimus." Tiso says in surprise.

"Well you are now." Tuka confirms.

"I will have to buy some sunglasses and put some more medals on my uniform." Tiso says. "Then get some giant cigars."

"It's important to keep up standards." Tuka agrees.
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El Presidente?
Their confusion was interrupted by a runner with a vital message!


Seems kinda late to be told this, doesn't it? Perhaps the runner ran all the way from China; it would explain the lateness of the message.
Seems kinda late to be told this, doesn't it? Perhaps the runner ran all the way from China; it would explain the lateness of the message.

I'd blame the inefficient Slovak filing system - the poor messenger has probably been trying to deliver the message for a while.

Good to see that Tiso intends to at least dress the part
Raaritsgozilla - I'm not sure what the Eastern European equivalent of El Presidente is, but it probably isn't Generalissimus!

Nathan Madien - I think the Slovak messenger is bang on time, it's just Mengkuko that was very late in declaring war. ;)

loki100 - Tiso will be well dressed. He may be going out, but he will do so with at least some style.
22nd June 1944
22nd June 1944

The Ministry of Production was a vast be-chimneyed edifice, a towering monument to smoke, fire and steam.

Tiso and Tuka study the building intently, Tiso finally breaks the silence.

"It is very impressive, but I don't think I've seen anything actually being produced or even worked on."

Their musing is interrupted by the arrival of the Armaments Minister Mikulas Pruzinsky, a bewitchingly dressed fellow in monocle, top hat and tails, all set off with a white lab coat.

"You've arrived, excellent. Let me show you round!" Pruzinsky boomed. "We've so much to show you, some of the best technology in the world can be found here. We have several of Mister Bessemer's converters, we have knowledge of the inestimable Mister Hancock's vulcanized rubber and from our brand new coal coking facilities we anticipate a superior supply of coal-gas." Pruzinsky said, smiling proudly.

"Forgive me for saying minister, but that all sounds somewhat outdated technology." Tiso ventured.

"Outdated?! This is the flower of late 40s technology." Pruzinsky retorted.

"Really? Are you sure?" Tiso asked.

"Of course! Why these technologies should see Slovakia remain on the cutting edge well into the second half of the 19th century!" Pruzinksy exclaimed.


Such technology as even Brunel and Stevenson would be proud of!

Tiso made a mental note to ask the Ministry of Technology why Slovakian industry, instead of being in the 1940s, appeared to be stuck in the 1840s and, more importantly, why they hadn't noticed.
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