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Thread: Ten Reasons why Europa Universalis III is the worst game EVER

  1. #1
    Mr. Fixit Slan's Avatar
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    Ten Reasons why Europa Universalis III is the worst game EVER



    The following is the chronicle of my struggle with Europa Univeralis III. I use all the stuff up to the latest expansion, Divine Wind, and I don't use the beta patch. I'm not interested in how the game should be played and what mistakes I make. I'm also not interested in other people's opinion about the game, as clearly mine is superior, so why should I bother? You may still leave comments about how awesome I am, and you can adore me in general. Also feel free to discuss the above among yourselves.


    Table of contents:
    Reason I - This game is too complex
    1399Reason II - This game looks lame
    1400-1440Reason III - This game is too hard
    1440-1480
    Reason IV - This game is too ahistorical
    1480-1550
    Reason V - This game is too slow
    1550-1640
    Reason VI - I can't keep up with the speed!
    1640-1650
    Reason VII - This game is not sandbox enough
    1650-1700
    Reason VIII - This game is too easy
    1700-1750
    Reason IX - There's too much graphics, too little content
    1750-1785
    Reason X - This game is lacking in debth
    1785-1820
    Last edited by Slan; 17-07-2012 at 18:44.
    Sir NeoCore Slan, OLIR, beta of FtM, appointed judge of Alexspeed's Victoria 2 AAR Contest, Fan of the Week (22-11-2011) and I also play HoItCG.
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  2. #2
    Mr. Fixit Slan's Avatar
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    Reason I
    This game is too complex.

    Issue One - Part One



    Alright, so let's start up the game. On the load screen, I get important hints about how this game works. Like "In order to explore, you will need the 'Conquest of the New World' National Idea". What the heck is a National Idea? I have many ideas, but what makes them National? Well, maybe if I was a nation... Another advice was that having a high revolt risk hurts my economy. You don't say...

    Sooooo. I click on Single Player, because I want to play alone, because who would play this with me, right? Now, which nation should I choose? Which nation has ideas? The screen starts at France, but I don't like France. It is so... French. But there's a nice one in the middle, called Berry. It has a purpleish colour to it, so I guess it must be purpleberry. Alright, let's play as that nation! I don't care about the date, so I'll just let it be what it starts out with: 1399 AD.



    So many choices...


    Let's check options now! I have noooo idea what these are, so I'll just let them stay the way they start with. 'Spread of land provinces'? Please. Everyone knows that land provinces don't spread, they are just there. Well, alright, sea provinces do spread during the wet season or whatever it is called in Asia, but we don't have those here in Europe! What nonsense... While loading the game, I got another hint: Rousolline (or whatever) will be a French province before the end of the game. What stupid advice is this?



    Let's play! Wait, what?...


    So, let's take a look around and see what's what. 25.000 dudes in the upper left corner next to my blueberry shield covered in flowers, a pile of 141 gold coins, a royal hammer, a royal chair, a royal pair of peasant weaponry and a crownless head with a crown on royal curtains, some cut-off heads over that. And it's Friday. I love Friday, because it marks the end of the week! Except that I have a rather stupid class on Friday, but whatever.

    Now, wait a minute. There's something wrong here. Oh, no! I'm France!... Ah, whatever. Let's push some buttons now, shall we? But which one to start with? There are soooo many of them! I think I will be systematic here, starting from the top left and going to the bottom right. There was that blueberry shield those flowers, let's click that! Oh, no! Even more buttons! A crown, a bag of gold, a helmet pierced through with a repier, some cross, a book with a hammer (that must be Mao's Red Book!), another cut off head (there are quite a lot of these I'd say), some pictures and then a poisoned scroll. I'm so confused... And these are just buttons, but there are tons of information on this screen, too! It says I'm a Feudal Monarchy, which is nice I guess. I'm also a Cosmopolitaine. That must be a French word by the smell of it. And I'm called Charles VI de Valois. And there's a big golden 1 in the middle of the screen. What on Earth might that be? Hovering the mouse over that revealed a truckload of other stuff I don't care about. I might try not to do that again, otherwise my lovely little brain might explode... Anyway, it is my Prestige. I have no idea if it is good or not though. Anyway, the number below that tells me that I'm number 19 among nations. And I have an honourable reputation. I thought France had a reputation for bad taste in food, but you learn something new everyday I guess.

    There's a lot of text there too, concerning other nations I don't care about. Like Casus Belli. Well, yeah, I'm kinda hungry, now that you mention it. The text says that I can eat England, Alencon, Armagnac, Auvergne, Bourbonnais, Burgundy, Foix, Orleans, Provence and Berry. The only thing that I would eat from all these is Berry. But it also tells me that Berry is my vassal, so I don't think I should eat them. I'm guaranteeing some backwater places like Scotland and Cyprus, and I have a Sphere of Influence. I remember that one, it is a Rare Artifact from Diablo II, giving you tons of Intellect! It's a shame I'm not a mage in this game... I have some natural rivals and the Golden Horde is threatening me. Well, I'd say a horde of gold is quite threatening to my economy, yes! And there's this mission to "Recover Aquitaine". If I finish that mission, will I get a new map?

    There's also a long list of other nations, with our relations. We have a lot of relations with my vassals of course, and we lack relations heavily with the muslims across the Mediterranean. Then there are two shiny buttons here: "Modifiers" and "Create Vassal". I click on Modifiers to check what's what. It gives my a blank page. Thanks for nothing, game! The other gives a long list of vassals I could create, but all of them would take provinces from me! I don't want that! Those are mine! Alright, let's move on.

    The crown icon tells me that I have no legal heir. How sad. I have a missionary and a guy with a telescope though, but I obviously don't want either of them to inherit my throne! So I will have to create some heirs! Where's Mrs. Charles VI de Valois? Ah, there must be a "Create Vassal" button somewhere! The bag of gold gives me an account sheet. How classy. Alright, I might not understand a lot about this game, but I certainly know that you can't mint money, because it will ruin your economy. So I won't spend money on making money. Unfortunatelly that means I will lose money every month. But I'm supposed to get taxes at the end of the year, right? I've read the manual! I'll spend everything on Stability, because I'm France. I've read history, I probably will need Stability more than anything else... And it is the cheapest of them all, anyway.

    The pierced helmet icon is absolutely unimportant right now, I can see that at a glance. It has a table and some sliders which probably do nothing interesting. The Cross icon says I tolerate True Chatolics but I can't stand Orthodox Heretics and a lot of different Heathens. Alright, moving on. Mao's Red Book. There are twelve TV-screens here, a "Feudal Monarchy" button (this must be my special ability!) and some eight sliders at the bottom. I have no idea what they do, so I'll just click an arrow at random! The die rolls, and it says I'll change Mercantilism <-> Free Trade. I read that the more extreme a slider position is, the better the effect is, and it was this way in Hearts of Iron 2, so it must be true here, too! So one step towards Mercantilism it is!



    The merchants don't like my policies, so they must suffer!


    The cut-off head is not relevant to my interest. Moving on. The pictures provide me with the fact that I have 20% Cultural Tradition. This allows me to hire one of the thirty-six guys on this page. Or more precisely one of the fifteen that are actually available. I can has three advisorses, so I'll choose one from here. I'll roll six dice, sum them up, subtract three and choose the dude that comes up as the result. I know math! The result is (5+2+1)-3 = 5, that would be a... Treasurer! He will cost me all my 20% Cultural Tradition, but I don't have room for anyone else anyway, so no worries. He will invest in my Trade tech.

    Now, it didn't actually did what I thought it will. I got the Treasurer, but he was only added to a list, not to my court... And a level 1 Treasurer, too... But he only costed my 4% from my 20%, so it was only 20% of the 20% (I still know math )! Back to the crown icon! Oh, man... I had like twenty dudes to choose from already... I'll choose the one from the top of the list: Joseph de Pellefort, who is a level 6 Ambassador, giving me +3 Diplomatic Skill. On a scale of ten, it is pretty good, is it not? You are hired! By the way, my king seems to be a genious anyway, with all three of his skills being 8! Back to the pictures! There are some additional buttons to click on under the thirty-six guys, called Cultural Decisions. Well, I'm a Frenchman now, so I can only take Cultural Decisions, no? Commission Painting, Commission Tapestry, hold some Tournament or Endorse Culture. Only the first two are actually available though. A Painting is cheaper than a Tapestry, but my girlfriend will love the Tapestry, so I'll go with that! Off with the head of that Magistrate! The last page is irrelevant again, becuase there's nothing I can click on. (I could cancel a mission but that would surely kick me back to the Main Menu! This is the first mission after all!) But wait! This screen gives me the mission briefing! I need to hold Labourd and Gascogne. Where are these, anyway?



    That must be Aquitaine. Nice to make your acquaintance!



    *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
    Issue One - Part Two



    Alright, so I'm France. Now that I got myself through the initial shock, I should try to figure out what to do. First of all, I guess I should take care of those curtains below the cut-off heads. The first say "Possible Revolts", in Toulouse and Dauphiné with 9% of getting Nationalists and Languedoc with 7.8% of getting Patriots. Clicking the curtain activated another map mode, showing these provinces in different shades of red. Well, that is sort of useful... They are all in Southern France, and it looks like I don't have cores on these provinces... But they are in France, for crying out loud! Also, clicking on one of the provinces brought up a HUGE new interface with lots of buildings available (or almost available)... Toulouse has five buildings and a University already. Nice.

    Now with that new mapmode active, it turns out that my country is actually cut in half! I have six provinces in Northern France and another six in Southern France. I don't like that! Let's take a look at these map modes, then! Terrain. Been there, done it. Political. This gives a rainbow map, I don't like it! Big blobs of different colours, and only some of it is my blueberry-blue! Religious. This turns the whole of Europe into a desert. Moving on. Imperial. Didn't know that Darth Vader was in this game... Trade. Almost as bad as the Political map mode, but with even uglier colours, and a lot of stripes. Diplomatic. Now, that's more like it! Most of what should be mine is in green, although this mode also has some ugly stripes. Region. Big blobs with stripes everywhere. Culture. This is the best so far. French culture is yellow. Who would have guessed Sphere of Influence. This artifact not only gives tons to Intellect, but also shows much of France in the same colour, with no stripes either! Neat! Most of Europe is in a shade of blueish, saying that those are in range of France's Sphere of Influence. Man is this a cool artifact! It's range extends as far as Bohemia! It also says I need 6 Prestige to extend the Sphere of Influence. Where can I buy more Prestige? Or is that looted only?... Alright, moving on. Revolt. I saw this one, next. Colonial. Now that is the most bizarre map mode of them all. It sorta looks like the radar map in "Hunt for the Red October" and other submarine-movies. Most of the map is alarmingly red, and the North Sea and parts of the Atlantic is green. I guess that means that there are no German Subs operating there. Good! By the way, most of the map is hidden under some kind of paper clips. So I will have to get an idea before I could tear that paper off?



    No wonder I'm afraid of England! They have the plague!


    Over the map modes, there are five buttons called different kinds of messages. I didn't even start the game yet though, so I don't have any of those. But wait! There's more! There's zoom (really?...), Menu, Goto Capital (which brings me to Ile-de-France where I have 1000 men), Goto National Focus (Which does nothing! I knew this game was full of bugs!), Ledger (which has nothing to do with the late Joker-actor), History (which tells me that I'm Charles VI the idle), Triggered Modifiers (which is a looooong list of things that don't effect France right now), Papacy (which is supposed to be the bribing ground for all Chatolics), Holy Roman Empire (which shows me a lot of stuff I can't do! What is this, a demo?!) and a button to turn on/off the outliner, which can show me stuff I wouldn't remember otherwise. Nice move, including a list of stuff I couldn't care to remember in the first place!

    Now, the only thing left from the interface is the cut-off heads. They are lovely, aren't they? From left to right, I have 3 Merchants (whom I shall send to a Center of Trade in my own land if I can), 1 Colonist (whom I will leave alone), 5 Diplomats (who will certainly do something sometime...), 0 Missionaries (and I get only 0.05 of them a year!), 0 Spies (getting 0.4 a year) and 0 Magistrates (getting 1.2 a year). So, two Merchants are sent to Ile-de-France.

    Oh, I almost forgot! The curtains! I can't really do anything about those revolting ones, they are nationalists and will only go away when I recieve a core on the provinces. Which will only happen 50 years from now! Aww... The other curtain tells me that about 30 countries lack heirs with a decent claim. That must be because the game just started and nobody has an heir at all. So let's just ignore that for now. I don't think I could do anything about Denmark's throne for example at the moment. By checking around a bit, I realize that the most potential enemy of ours, England, has the mission to reconquer Normandy. That means we will probably fight sometime in the near future! Which is not really good for me I guess. I will have to build up some forces in the North ASAP! In the South, I have 9000 men, half of which have horses, too. I can use these to reconquer Aquitaine, should the English try anything silly! So the Armée des Flanders (Flanders is in Belgium, is it not?!) will go to Périgord now, and I start recruiting two regiments of Late Medieval Infantry in both Normandie and Caux.

    With that said and done, I still don't really feel safe. I'm preparing for a potential conflict with England, but it is hardly enough for long-term survival. I have potential enemies in the continent as well, for example Burgundy. Don't be fooled by their silly name or even sillier shield! They are number 20 on the ranking, so only one place behind me! (England is number 5 by the way!) So I will offer an alliance to them! That's one less Diplomat to spend this year. (I get six Diplomats a year, so one every two months.) I would also like to expand my influence over all of modern-day France, so I send out an alliance offer to Brittany as well. Two Diplomats spent, three more to go. But I don't really want to spend these because I have no idea what I would spend them on. Maybe some Royal Marriages? That's a good idea! Let's marry into the royal families of Orleans and Auvergne, Foix and Bourbonnais! Let's also save the game. Time to unpause!



    Most of our offers were accepted.



    I get some messages right away. Both Brittany and Burgundy accepted my offer of a Military Alliance. Now those pesky Englishmen will have their fight cut out for them, should they risk an ivasion! Also, Foix and Bourbonnais agreed to my marriege proposals. The fools in Auvergne declined, but that's their loss if you ask me. I also have a lot of offers to check. I'm quite popular I have to pause the game everytime something interesting happens though, because I don't want to miss anything. Alright. What's a Trade League Compact? And why should I care? Also, why do different nations brag about sending insults and gifts to eachother? It's their own business. Let's just turn these icons off. I couldn't care less.

    Now there's something more interesting: England started a war against Leinster with no Casus Belli at all. Leinster is in Ireland, in case you didn't know. Four other wars also started right away: Byzantium vs. Candar (I would bet on Candar in that one), Burgundy vs. Bar (clear Burgundian victory, since they are my ally), Castille vs. Granada (Castille is almost surely a winner, unless Granada turns out to have all the Muslims as allies) and Aragon vs. Navarra (a one-province micro-state against half of Spain? Don't think so.)

    Oh, yeah, Achievements. I already had two of these: "Until Death do us apart" for securing a Royal Marriage and "Pure Capitalism" for getting five Merchants into a single Center of Trade. (Which was in Ile-de-France of course.) These don't really do anything, only generate me some virtual points for some virtual board so I can brag about how awesome I am. But I don't need these 'Achievements' for that, thank you very much!

    Anyway, Armée de Flanders decided to march right through Rouergue in Armagnac, which was a stupid idea becuase they suffered Attrition there. Thankfully I don't have to bother with reinforcing them, that is done automatically in this game. We also gained an "Alliance" Casus Belli against Bar, because Burgundy is fighting them. But I don't have any Diplomats right now, so I couldn't do anything with it, even if I wanted to. Naples, on the other hand did have a Diplomat, and sent him to Epirus with a Declaration of War. So did the Teutonic Order with Pskov, although they had no actual reason to, other than to push a little neighbour around. And the Pope can't sit on his Holy Bottom either: he declared that Urbino is obstructing the Holy Highway of Heavenly Goodness, and so it has to go.

    Milan offered an Alliance to me. I decided to be a smart guy and ask around before accepting that offer. Turns out that Milan is a relatively peaceful little country with enemies like Switzerland, so I decided to accept. What could go wrong?

    At the end of November, Burgundy decided that it would be nice to bring me along the ride against Bar, eventhough they already captured the only province they had, so I don't see the point. It would also give me -1 Stability because I'm a good friend of Bar. On the other hand, declining the request would break my alliance with Burgundy. Where's the "You are stupid and don't need my help against my friends in the first place you moron!" button?! Anyway, I will just ignore that request. Maybe it will go away on its own if I look the other way! We'll see next time!
    Last edited by Slan; 16-10-2011 at 21:39.
    Sir NeoCore Slan, OLIR, beta of FtM, appointed judge of Alexspeed's Victoria 2 AAR Contest, Fan of the Week (22-11-2011) and I also play HoItCG.
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    Banned Iwanow's Avatar
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    LOL XD just love you're sense of humor .

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    Patron Saint of Suenik Iain Wilson's Avatar
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    I'll follow and see how you get on!
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    Cracking stuff. Hopefully this is real and not an April Fools' prank, I want to see more.
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    Poor Berry...it almost had a chance...
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  7. #7
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    Looking forward to the rest!!

  8. #8
    Mr. Fixit Slan's Avatar
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    For now, all I can say is this: there's more where that came from.
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  9. #9
    AARficionado & Storyteller Demi Moderator Eber's Avatar
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    I have to say this is extremely funny. Excellent idea of an AAR!
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    Emperor of Outremer TheCheeseMaster's Avatar
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    nice!
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  11. #11
    Second Lieutenant urdh's Avatar
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    Berry has 25k manpower? No wonder France is overpowered.

  12. #12
    Mr. Fixit Slan's Avatar
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    Hi everyone!

    Now that I'm home and was able to update the first post, I can give you some more hints as to what the heck is actually going on here.

    First of all, this was kind of an April's Fool joke, but only in part. I decided earlier on to write an AAR with every Paradox franchise, but the fact is, I suck pretty hard in Europa Universalis. So I have to make this one funny, otherwise it won't really work. The idea of a rant-like AAR came to me a while ago, but I thought it would be best to start it on April 1st, so if people don't get the joke, I can still get away with it

    So, this will be mainly a Gameplay AAR pretty much in the same style as Letting off some steam, only this time I'll focus more on making it funny. Or at least entertaining. I'll try not to be forced though. As you can see in the Table of Contents, the ranting theme will be there all along, but I can't make 40-years long updates only about how ugly the game looks, so stuff will actually happen beside the ranting bits.

    Again, similarly to my earlier gameplay-style AARs, this I will write during the playing sessions. This has two major consequences. First, I will frequently mix past and present tense, because I will write them compared to the point when I'm typing, not the point when you are reading. (Kinda confusing, I know.) Second, one chapter (called an Issue here, if you'll excuse the pun) will mostly consist of one gameplay sessions, which may be shorter or longer, pretty much unpredictibely.

    I'm not sure how regular this will be, but I hope it won't be too long between Issues. I'm still working on Hitler's Gamble too, but that, being a serious AAR, needs much more thought, consideration and thus effort to write. I'm trying to update that one every week or so, and I'll try to update this one similarly, only at a different time. I already have played ahead to Reason III, so I do have some material to post, but I don't want to give away too much too fast either



    Now, I would like to thank Issac Wolfe, who, despite not even commenting here yet, was nice enough to vote for this AAR in the latest round of the AARland Choice Awards, for which this AAR is not even eligeble! Thank you for your support even after so little! And to everyone else: please, check out that link and if you read AARs in AARland, do vote for your favourites! It means a lot to every writer! Thank you


    And now, for something completely different.
    Sir NeoCore Slan, OLIR, beta of FtM, appointed judge of Alexspeed's Victoria 2 AAR Contest, Fan of the Week (22-11-2011) and I also play HoItCG.
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    My latest work from my Ink Well (which is post #200 in the Ink Well thread):
    Hitler's gamble - An alternative German Strategy (Vanilla HoI3 - Semper Fi 2.03c) finished
    Ten Reasons why Europa Universalis III is the worst game EVER (Vanilla EU3 - Divine Wind) finished
    The New Adventures of the United Nations... in Space - A Space Empires V AAR canceled after Season I

    "Always write things on the forums that you’d be happy for your mom to read." - Fredrik Wester

  13. #13
    Mr. Fixit Slan's Avatar
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    Reason II
    This game looks lame.

    Issue Two



    "As Shogun, your power relies on high influence." I'm not a Shogun, I'm the King of stinking France! These 'hints' again, they make me cry. And how original is that? Telling me hints while loading the game. I didn't see that one before. But at least it distracts me from the ugly pictures themselves. I mean who made these things? Whoever it was, he probably never heard the word "sharp".

    Taking a closer look at the Sea, we can observe that the Divine Wind in the title is very strong and it is blowing Eastwards, because every bit of water is constantly flowing to the East. And there are clouds everywhere, also going Eastwards. Including those poisoneus clouds over England.

    England. It's time to start having fun already, is it not? So, the map is ugly, partly because France has all these ugly colours, while it all should be in the same shade of blue. Our first order of business is to remove that red blob from Aquitaine. Let's declare war on England!



    Since I have a good reason to go to war against England (they make my map ugly), I suffer no Stability drops. Good!


    I assign my only leader, Jean II Le Meingre to lead Armée des Flandres, and send them over to takce Gascogne. The tooltip says that the supply Limit there is 14, and I only have 9000 men, so that should be a nice peaceful siege. I have plenty of time, so I won't make an assault either. I have a suspicion that the English have more ships than I do, so I won't leave port for the time being. I have four Carracks and two Cogs by the way.



    This might not have been the best idea...


    Turns out those pesky English had some allies to call upon. Like Brittany, who happened to be my ally as well! The bastards decided to side with England for whatever reason... The other was Portugal, which is less of a concern right now. I think I should call Burgundy in to help me. But how?! I don't have any Diplomats! Portugal also imposed an Embargo on us. Oh, no.



    Well, yes, I guess they do have more ships than I do...


    So, my armies in the North were enough to keep Brittany at bay, and two Regiments from the armies in the South were enough to keep Aquitaine under siege, so I moved seven Regiments (four of them Cavalry) into Brittany proper. I will teach those bastards!

    But back to my point: the game looks pretty lame. If you observe the next screenshot, which shows how a battle looks like, you will surely agree with me. Where are my armies? That's it? Two rows on top of eachother? How am I supposed to order my units with that?



    So THIS is the battle screen. No kidding. And that guy in the background is raking.


    Anyway, I quickly won the battle, sending the Brittanians running for their money. This war is giving me lots of Prestige! Nice! In the meantime, the stupid English started to land in Caux! That's not good! I don't have enough troops to defend there now! Alright, I'll let them suffer from Attrition, then kick their butt! In the meantime, it's about time to expand our Influence, over Savoy.

    Kicking English butt worked as planned, and the remnants of their army retreated toward Caux, where they were completely wiped out. Unfortunatelly, a bit later they managed to sneak some 4000 troops into Gascogne, and defeated the small sieging forces I had there. Which is quite a shame, since that siege was over 80% already. Then when I moved my main army to deal with them, they landed another army in Caux! Where do they get the money for all these armies?! With my capital in danger again, it suddenly became much more urgent to win this war against the English. By the way, why is it that Britanny won't accept a white peace when I have 23% score?!

    I was starting to run out of money when different countries started to hire my people. Not that bad of a deal for me actually, since I need the money more than those guys. But in December of 1400, Burgundy finally managed to annex Bar, and I could call them into my little war. They were nice enough to accept and now will help me kick the English bastards out of France proper!

    By February, 1401, my Stability increased to +3! Nice! I can start to do some research now! Let's see! I will invest into Government, because I am the State and all that crap. And it will give me a new idea! By now, Brittany offered a White Peace (even though they would not accept my White Peace offer!), but I'm not interested any longer. I will crush them with my Burgundian allies! And in July, I also recieved an Heir to the Throne. Yay. And this Louis kid is not that bad, either! He has 8 Administration, 5 Diplomacy and 6 Military! Nothing compared to his father, but not that bad.



    They had it coming!


    After finally taking all provinces of Brittany, they were willing to accept my terms! That was in late 1401. I could have vassalized them or even annex them, but decided not to. I didn't have the right to, so it would cause lots of infamy, which I don't really want to gain. I'll have a tough time as it is, with a rival like England. Recieving tons of cash was quite useful though. The stupid English would still not accept a peace though. It's time to bring the war to them! Except I can't, because the friggin' Portugese destroyed my only two Cogs! Argh! Alright, I'll send an offer with demanding Aquitaine, disregarding the interface, which tells me that it won't be accepted. The score of the offer is much lower than the score I have for Christ's sake! And they do reject. And the bloody English sunk my four Carracks, too! What the hell?!

    Even Portugal, and even after recieving a Regent, will not accept a White Peace. And I already called Milan into the war, too! They would offer a peace where I release one of my Vassals though. And I even have rebels popping up in Southern France!



    Are you kidding me?! Ten thousand rebels?! Where did they come from?!


    England wants to Wihte Peace out. My arse! And Burgundy just did! I'm surrounded by traitors! And now my only General is dead! His replacement I bought for 55 gold is much worse than he was. I could also convert my King, but I don't want to have him killed! He is 8/8/8! Meanwhile, England was down to 28% War Capacity, so I thought they won't be able to send any more dudes over the Channel, so I took Calais by force (which was occupied by Burgundy before they left me alone in my war). And they still won't accept my peace. Alright, I habe plenty of time! And this is where the game became pretty dull. All I had to do is look at the ugly graphics and waiting for the English to finally give up. And I also have 5 Colonists now. Can I sell them to someone?...

    Then Portugal offers me a peace where I pay them 29 gold. I'm pretty tired of them by now and I have no way of actually engaging them, so I accept. Whatever. And in February 1404, I reach level 4 in Government Technology. That means I get a National Idea. Is there any Idea how I could defeat those pesky Englishmen?! After some consideration, I decided that I will need an actual Navy to ever be able to defeat the English, so I take Press Gangs. That will halve the cost of building ships. I start building two Carracks right away. Unfortunatelly my incomes are ridiculous, but I don't want to enact War Taxes. And then suddenly Milan finds itself at war with the Teutonic Order. How did that happen?

    Anyway, after some consideration, I decided that I can afford to gather War Taxes. I would at least gain something for this stupid war... Oh, yeah, and I won't have any achievements from now on, because I played a session without being connected to Paradox Connect. Whatever. And now some more rebels have destroyed my entire Southern Army, and the English are also trying to take their lands back. And they still won't accept my peace offer! They won't even accept a White Peace when I have 43% War Score! What's wrong with these guys?!

    So, it's 1406 already, and I'm starting to wonder if this whole thing is worth it or not. Then Burgundy suddenly gets itself into a war against half of Europe and they call me into arms. They want to eat Brabant, who is in the Holy Roman Empire, and also has an ally on my border. An ally with 11000 men right on my frontyard. I'll just ignore them for the moment. Meanwhile Scotland is occupying Provence. I want to ally with Scotland sometime in the future, but they don't like me enough yet. Unfortunatelly, ignoring the Burgundian request lost them for me as an ally. Come on! I had good relations with that country! Of course they won't ally me now either. And it cost me a ton of Prestige, too And the English won't even listen to a White Peace with me having 45% War Score! Come on already!...
    Last edited by Slan; 16-10-2011 at 21:42.
    Sir NeoCore Slan, OLIR, beta of FtM, appointed judge of Alexspeed's Victoria 2 AAR Contest, Fan of the Week (22-11-2011) and I also play HoItCG.
    The Historical Plausibility Project 1.0.4 for HoI3, 2.0 for HoI3 - Semper Fi and 2.7 for FtM

    My latest work from my Ink Well (which is post #200 in the Ink Well thread):
    Hitler's gamble - An alternative German Strategy (Vanilla HoI3 - Semper Fi 2.03c) finished
    Ten Reasons why Europa Universalis III is the worst game EVER (Vanilla EU3 - Divine Wind) finished
    The New Adventures of the United Nations... in Space - A Space Empires V AAR canceled after Season I

    "Always write things on the forums that you’d be happy for your mom to read." - Fredrik Wester

  14. #14
    Field Marshal Malurous's Avatar
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    Hehe, the opposites in the reasons list are hilarious!

    With that warscore you'll be able to force peace very soon. Hopefully the English will land more troops for you to eliminate if your battle war score isn't maxed yet. If it is, it'll be hard to gain provinces...

    Oh, and loved the raking joke!
    Read my Cuzco MEIOU AAR Children of the Sun! (ongoing)
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  15. #15
    Never mind the game!! Where can I get that girl's phone number?

  16. #16
    The One and Only BBB BigBadBob's Avatar
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    Oh dear God! My sides! My sides! My beautiful, beautiful sides!

    A comedy that, should you be eligible, will undoubtedly take first place in the ACAs!
    Sir Robert, OLIR, Sovereign of the Order of the Large and Intimidating Robert
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  17. #17
    Mr. Fixit Slan's Avatar
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    @Redandwhite: What girl? That one on the first picture above the second-biggest-monkey-head-I've-ever-seen™? No idea, I found her on google Search for pictures with the keyword 'disaster', and you should be able to get to her too


    Anyway, turns out I was a bit hasty in starting this AAR, and it was still March 31st in the USA, so it is available to be voted on in the current round of the AARland Choice Awards after all So, if you want to, feel free to do so, although I firmly believe that the award should go to Svip for his Flagland AAR, which you should totally check out if you haven't before!
    Sir NeoCore Slan, OLIR, beta of FtM, appointed judge of Alexspeed's Victoria 2 AAR Contest, Fan of the Week (22-11-2011) and I also play HoItCG.
    The Historical Plausibility Project 1.0.4 for HoI3, 2.0 for HoI3 - Semper Fi and 2.7 for FtM

    My latest work from my Ink Well (which is post #200 in the Ink Well thread):
    Hitler's gamble - An alternative German Strategy (Vanilla HoI3 - Semper Fi 2.03c) finished
    Ten Reasons why Europa Universalis III is the worst game EVER (Vanilla EU3 - Divine Wind) finished
    The New Adventures of the United Nations... in Space - A Space Empires V AAR canceled after Season I

    "Always write things on the forums that you’d be happy for your mom to read." - Fredrik Wester

  18. #18
    The One and Only BBB BigBadBob's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Slan View Post
    Anyway, turns out I was a bit hasty in starting this AAR, and it was still March 31st in the USA, so it is available to be voted on in the current round of the AARland Choice Awards after all So, if you want to, feel free to do so, although I firmly believe that the award should go to Svip for his Flagland AAR, which you should totally check out if you haven't before!
    Why must you make us feel bad for voting for you? Anyway, you can abstain from this round, in which case my vote would go to Svip.
    Sir Robert, OLIR, Sovereign of the Order of the Large and Intimidating Robert
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  19. #19
    Mr. Fixit Slan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BigBadBob View Post
    Why must you make us feel bad for voting for you? Anyway, you can abstain from this round, in which case my vote would go to Svip.
    I can assure you, that was not my intention, and I actually feel kinda stupid after all this commotion... Anyway, let's just pretend it never happened, alright?

    Anyway, I'll post another Issue Sunday or so!
    Sir NeoCore Slan, OLIR, beta of FtM, appointed judge of Alexspeed's Victoria 2 AAR Contest, Fan of the Week (22-11-2011) and I also play HoItCG.
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    Ten Reasons why Europa Universalis III is the worst game EVER (Vanilla EU3 - Divine Wind) finished
    The New Adventures of the United Nations... in Space - A Space Empires V AAR canceled after Season I

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  20. #20
    Ask how many Divisions I have! InnocentIII's Avatar
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    Looking forward to the rest. Glad to see your peace-deal-making goes as well as mine. Try fighting a big empire like the Turks and see how taking half a continent gets you a score of 4.375 and a white peace offer after 15 years hard fighting.

    Bah! Now you have me complaining.
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