Episode the fourth
From the Book of the Cheetah
And it is written in secret pages of the hidden book of the Cheetah, that in one timeline, which is no more, having been erased at HIS command, the mighty nation of Boing under the influence of corrupt and wasteful lesser monks rising to positions above their abilities, supported the burgeoisie against the aristocracy, and became aggressive, and invaded China taking Guangdong and Liaoning in 1556 and later on made an alliance with the Manchu at great cost. And the aristocracy was persectuted harshly in the name of equality. All was not serene, however, as the peasants were, as peasants are wont to be, unhappy, time and time again. And it came to pass that Boing claimed the throne of Nippon in 1596, and invaded that island, and despite dreadful losses ended up taking Kansai province in peace negotiations. And it happened that the Manchu alliance was broken as the Manchu refused to honour it in the invasion of Mysore and Vijayanagar, even as the Manchu assimilated the Eastern Mongols, and the 200,000 Manchu warriors decided to invade Boing instead in 1608. And HE said:
Tough luck.
And HE threw back the Manchu during two bloody wars and in a fit of rage annexed all five of their provinces outside the capital, but since China was still alive and kicking, Boing was not a frontier country, and HE said:
So what?
And Boing defended itself vigorously in the early years of the 1630'ies against the kingdoms of Makassar, Nippon, and Delhi, and they were all made vassals, and HE said:
Interesting
And despite frequent occurrences of insanity amongst the various Priest Kings, Delhi was finally diplomatically annexed in 1659, and HE said:
What do you mean? We're worse than dishonourable scum? That's not very nice. Shame on you.
And this ushered in the Age of Blood which saw the Boingonese armies initially triumphant but over the years whittled down to almost nothing, as even tiny Malacca with its tech12 troops consistently beat the ever fewer tech2 Boingonese armies. Thus the half million army was whittled down to 160,000 men over the first eight years and only thirteen provinces gained.
And in the Age of Blood Boing could raise but 40,000 troops a year, and everybody and his little donkey waged war upon Boing, and Oman, the Mamelukes, and many other strangers, such as the Portuguese, came from far away to join the fray. And HE said:
I wonder why they did that?
And the Mahrattis declared independence even as fighting was finally drawing to a close in Nippon and HE wondered:
Why do the senior monks look so desperate? We've finally reached trade4! and can now embargo hostile nations, of which there are plenty.
And the peasants were unhappy and there was a major political crisis and the senior monks looked decidedly unhappy, and HE noticed that some merchants had nicked one of his favourite mountains, and that one of the rare floral families HE had been studying had been ground into the dust by the passing armies, and HE said:
This will not be.
And he returned to the mountains of Boing and HE said unto the senior monks:
Hello fellow travelers on the road of wisdom! You wouldn't believe what just happened in Asia. Are we out of gnomes yet?
And there being still a gnome left in Boing, the dreaded Rite of the Cheetah was performed, and the Brute Incarnate Belial slew the gnome most horribly, and time warped.
And This Is How It No Longer Will Have Been
From the Book of Boing
And following the defensive invasion of the CIA in 1553, the CIA decided to award the heroic defenders of Boing Guangdong, 200pws, and military access in 1555. And the CIA said: Let us leave a breathing hole in the closure of China, and the monks added this to the trove of mystic sayings, and the Boingonese province of Guangzhou became a regional centre of trade.
And in 1564 the pws were first created with HIS image adorning them, and the people of Boing were impressed, and they built a Goods Manufactory for the production of Transcendant One Prayer Wheels in Lhasa, and HE was pleased, and grinned mightily at the news.
And the monks came unto the Transcendant One as he contemplated the Buddha nature of an imported mountain and said, we are ready to begin cracking down on the aristocracy as you have earlier indicated was your desire, and HE said:
Nonsense, you are mistaken. Down with the greedy and intellectually dishonest bourgeoisie has always been my mantra
And the monks said, that's one impressive mantra all right, we must have been mistaken. And HE sniggered to himself:
That'll teach them not to steal my mountains.
And the monks said: Shall we now focus our efforts on worldly trade?
And HE said:
No. Increase the research in upgraded Prayer Wheels instead. I had this idea of a nifty steam powered Prayer Wheel, and your tech isn't up to it yet, so get cracking.
And the monks agreed that that was a most powerful bit of ancient and unfathomable piece of wisdom indeed, and they began cracking Prayer Wheels.
From the notes of the Transcendant One
It is interesting to note how money, here taking the form of pws, can peacefully change the course and the fate of nations. Boing is an excellent example. Somewhat disliked due to its two centuries of succesful self-defense, who would have predicted that Boing would become the centre of a peaceful coalition of friendly nation states? Not many, to be sure. But seing the terrible state of this world, it has come to me that it is, in fact, my duty, to help these unfortunate mammals. Are they to blame for their small brains or lack of flapiflops? For their uncouth habits and crunchy yellow bodies? For their awful stink and woefully deficient sense of smell ? (though perhaps these are connected? Surely the second can be imagined as a sort of protection from the first, but I digress)
No, no, and no! The malignant forces of nature and their capricious godlings are to blame. In themselves, they are guiltless. But should I let them wallow in their poverty, when I can bring them so many gifts? I think not. But I must act gradually, so as to minimise the damage of the transition, for change always comes with a price.
And sometimes the price is money. Bribery, though a dirty word, works wonders when nations are ruled by self-indulgent unprincipled kings and princes. And if they are principled? Well, in that case it works just as well, once you find out which principles to support.
And thus, though it pains me to admit it, I have bribed my way into the hearts and minds of the princes of Ayutthaya, Malacca, and Atjeh, and if my personal visit to the princes in question did, perhaps, intimidate them slightly and lend them added incentive to join up, it was yet in a good cause.
From the Book of the Peaceful Coexistence
And in those days did tranquility descend upon Asia, and if the lion did not lie down with the lamb, at least it had a good snack, and HE brought about the alliance of Boing, Ayutthaya, Malacca and Atheh in 1573, the beginning of the Boingonese Co-Prosperity Sphere, and HE asked them to become vassals of Boing, and, in time, they did agree, and HE asked them to join Boing for the greater good of all, and, in time, they did agree. Atjeh in 1585, Ayutthaya in 1596, and Malacca in 1597, and the senior monks said: We are now considered extremely bad, Transcendant One, and HE said:
Nonsense. We are all happy and serene campers in the Boingonese Co-Prosperity Sphere. They'll forget about it in a decade or so.
The Boingonese Co-Prosperity Sphere (BOCOPS), 1597
And with the growth of Boing, Boing had a total manpower of 11,750 men before the rigorous training which added 40% to their number (truly the ways of the Transcendant One are mysterious), the top contributor being the province of Jakarta which provided a thousand men per year, and this was brought to HIS attention and to the attention of the senior monks.
And HE said:
Great. Then Boing is able to protect itself even more vigorously against unwarranted aggression! This is truly fortunate, for Manchu has just deliberately insulted me. They said I was a great big unfeeling visitor from abroad (how rude!) and they disparaged my flapiflops and insinuated that I eat humans, to which I must very much object. I'm a conscientious objector, I'll have you know. Snifff. They're hurting my feelings. And they're not alone, since they are allied with Nippon. I very strongly feel that they ought to be taught a lesson in civility - why I'm almost stirred to anger! Sniff. Are we serene?
And great tears fell from HIS eyes as he cried piteously, while sneaking a peek at the senior monks, to gauge their reaction, or so an uncharitable and unsensitive lout might suspect, whereas the infinitely more correct interpretation would be that HE was studying the Buddha nature and the degree of enlightenment within the monks, for who could be a better judge than the Transcendant One?
And the senior monks were shocked by this incivility shown to the Transcendant One, and they said as one:
Yo! We are serene!
And HE said:
Yo-yo! Then we are all serene. I'll apply rule five.
YAK DUNG! went the senior monks, agreeing for once.
