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Episode the second

From the Book of the Cheetah

And the senior monk spoke unto HIM, saying, what is THY will now that we control the regional centre of trade, my master?

And HE answered, saying: Send all who care to trade to the centre. We must stimulate the economy by vigorously enforcing the free will of the marketplace!

And the monk asked: Is this an ancient bit of unfathomable wisdom, Master?

And HE answered: No it isn't, you silly earthling, you. It's an order.

And the monk said: I hear and obey.

And the monk said: Unfortunately, this means we won't be capable of repaying the first of our five loans which happens to be due any day now, since it cost us 90 pws out of 250 pws, and we don't earn such a princely sum of 60 pws in a few months time, even with the 2 pw income from the merchants, but what is time but a subjective experience, anyway? Boing will have to go bankrupt, which just shows the triumph of the immaterial over the material, so that's all right, Master.

And HE said: Not so fast. Upon consideration, I rescind my order

And the monk answered sorrowfully: That can not be, Master. It has already been carried out.

And HE said: But I gave it less than 27 seconds ago, you stupid Zharghut of a mammal!

And the monk answered sorrowfully: Nevertheless, Master. THOU art the Transcendant One. THY orders cannot be rescinded. They take effect immediately, nay even moments before THOU utterest them, due to THY wisdom. In effect, though the pws may, arguably, still be in the treasury, and though no merchants have been physically dispatched with warez to Ganges as yet due to the prevalent interpretation of reality, according to the more correct metaphysical interpretation, the action has taken place already, nay, dare I say it, will always have been taking place.

And HE said: So you would disobey me, then.

And the monk said: Never will I disobey THY will, Master. I would die first.

And as the apostate sniveling scum of a senior monk, whose name shall remain forever stricken from the rolls of the monks, wrapped in coiled lightning, died screaming on the floor, yet another victim of applied metaphysics, the remaining senior monks conferred hurriedly.

And HE said sadly: Will you disobey me, then, as well?

And one senior monk said: No. We will warp the fabric of time rather than disappoint you, Transcendant One. We will attempt the Rite of the Cheetah!

And the other senior monks said: No, not the dreaded Rite of the Cheetah! The illusion might end for all time and reality reign supreme should it fail!

And HE said: Sounds nifty. Do it.

And the Transcendant One attended as the Rite of the Cheetah was enacted.


Five senior monks clapping each others backs onehandedly, while spinning upgraded and reinforced Prayer Wheels using no hands

Four lesser monks chanting:
Reload,
om,
Reload,
Om,
Reload, Reload, Om!
Om, Om, Ommmmmm, OOOOOOoooomm,
RELOAD!!!!!

Three acolytes holding down two gnomes, tying them to two Goliath-class Prayer Wheels, which where set spinning

Om

Two gnomes, spinning wildly on pure prayer power, eyes franctically focused on the rising mist and within it...

Om

One monstrous shape appearing out of the mist, a nightmare of the elder days, one whom time has forgotten, a deathmaster, moonslayer, the very Brute Incarnate Belial, and it stretched forth a claw and struck one of the gnomes dead, and saying nothing but Oi, it returned to the mist.

RELOAD.... But remember: Every time you utilise the Rite of the Cheetah, the Brute Incarnate Belial kills a gnome!


And it was now 73 seconds earlier than before, or, to be precise, it had never been 73 seconds later than now yet.

And the senior monk spoke unto HIM, saying, what is THY will now that we control the regional centre of trade, my master?

And HE answered: Prudently conserve resources to pay off loans, naturally.

And the monk said: What about going bankrupt instead? As the sage says, the turtle does not move, nor does the eagle fly.

And He said: You were warned in a previous timeline, insignificant native

And as the apostate sniveling scum of a senior monk, whose name shall remain forever stricken from the rolls of the monks, wrapped in coiled lightning, died screaming on the floor, yet another victim of applied metaphysics, the remaining senior monks hurriedly agreed to do nothing at all - a not uncommon state of affairs in the mountains.


From the Book of PWs

And in August 1434 was a loan repaid and but three remained. The monthly income was 5 pw and pws were manufactured en masse.

And in January 1435 was an 18% loan exchanged for a 12% loan there not being enough pws to repay it.
And in June 1436 was a 13% loan exchanged for a 12% loan there not being enough pws to repay it.
And in July 1436 was a 15% loan exchanged for a 12 % loan there not being enough tws to repay it. Inflation was 20% and monthy income 7 pw. I wish I were in Philadelphia.
And in February 1440 was a loan repaid and but two remained an the inflation was 23%
And in July and August 1441 were the two last loans repaid and inflation was but 20% this being an exceptional year.

And in 1448 did the new Priest King Trakpa Chunge appoint Tax Collectors throughout the five mountains of Boing reasoning that anyone stupid enough to rebel would freeze his nuts off in the snows within minutes, and being unmanned, he would lose the will to fight, and having lost the will to fight, he would flee the mountains, and having fled the mountains, he would go join some eunuch choir in one of the Indian Sultanates. Which turned out to be a pretty fair prediction, but then, he was the Priest King Trakpa Chunge, after all.


From the Book of Boing

And occasionally HE wandered the mountains, and the rabid sheep didn't attack HIM, and the Yetis' avoided HIM, and HE paved the path. Raising his flapiflops to a 49 degree angle with the harmonic plane he discovered a hidden mountain. And the two thousand inhabitants of the hidden mountain abased themselves at HIS feet, and agreed to join Boing. And HE towed the mountain to Nepal and bound it to the ground with a word, and the mountain did not move. All this came to pass at the instigation of the Transcendant One in 1435, praise be HIS name.

An exceptional court painter visited Boing, and HE ordered him to paint the court, but the colour didn't take to the flagstones in the snow, so the painter was dismissed.

And as HIS words spread and the production of Prayer Wheels increased, the tax value of Kunlun doubled from one to two.

And HIS presence comforted the survivors of the great plague of Lhasa in 1443, which slew one man in four. When it had passed, but 6000 people remained in the capital of Boing.

And HIS presence was noted abroad, and in 1444 the province of Sichuan defected to Boing from China, which was suffering from internal stability problems following the choice of outwards imperialist expansion in the strategic desicion following some stupid buggers voyage, and HE spoke onto the senior monks, saying: Great. More sheep. But he sent word to China that Boing welcomed all who were interested in joining the 15th century, and Xining defected to Boing the year 1445.

And HE established sports facilities for the athletically challenged which added to the manpower of Dangla in 1446, but Boing could still only call on 2000 volounteers per year.


From the Book of Beginnings

And the senior monks drew concerned as ever more sheep were enserfed and as HE began scrutinising the work of even the senior monks. Corruption scandal was such a harsh word, after all, or rather two.

"He works too hard", said the first senior monk.

"Indeed, HE deserves rest", said the second senior monk.

"And a change of scenery", said the third senior monk.

"And climate, I worry for his health", said the fourth senior monk.

"But how do we convince him?", asked the fifth senior monk.

"Perhaps an excursion to meet some quaint natives?", suggested the Priest King Trakpa Chunge.

And the senior monks nodded sagely.


From the notes of the Transcendant One

I am, first and foremost, a traveller on the road of life, a man of knowledge in a world filled with ignorance, stupidity, depravity, and small things that go squish. Like Bengal. Actually, Bengal is a good example, if I do say so myself. I mean, here we have Boing, peaceful and minding its own business when some Bengalese decides to raise an old border issue. Hoping to keep this conflict of interest from exploding into full scale warfare, I personally go South with the entourage the Bongolese seems to think I cannot do without (they do so care about keeping me safe, quite charming, really).

But seeing me towering over them, the Bengalese decide to escalate the border incident, and before you know of it, Boing has been forced by circumstances to preemptively declare war on Bengal in self-defense in 1455 (their armies were on the border! I have the pictures!). It turns out that it wasn't one moment too early, as Bengal is in an alliance with Arakan and Assam (our two other smaller neighbours).

Despite Boing losing an eight years crop of men (15,000) in the first year, I manage to inspire the Boingonese troops to new feats of prowess and the fortunes of war turn to Boing

Meanwhile I hear that yet another hidden mountain has gone out of seclusion in the deserts of Qilian Pendi. That's a good hiding place for a mountain if ever I heard of one. I'll have to stake out the mountain to prevent it from escaping upon my return.

But I was talking of Bengal. Bengal which fights bravely but unneccesarily. Boing isn't out to conquer Bengal, after all. Boing just wants to give peace a chance, a worthy goal that I fully support. Enforcing this policy is rather harder, but the vassalisation and exit from the war of Assam in January 1458 is a good start. This allows Boing to concentrate on Bengal and Arakan. At this time the mighty Boingolese armies are large enough to besiege three provinces at the same time!!

Boing now has enough troops to besiege THREE provinces at the same time!
397875838.jpg


By 1460, the war resembles the game of Klobn'k. With most of the remaining armies busy besieging somewhere after years of fighting.
  • Arakan has captured Howrah and fields 15,000 soldiers
  • Bengal has nearly captured Koch (for the second time) and fields 20,000 soldiers
  • Boing has captured Arakans three provinces and fields a total of 35,000 soldiers
  • The Bengal province of Tirhut is currently under Bengal control, but has been captured by Boing twice already

But I've been reading up on the history of this world. It is amazing, really, which secrets are known to the nice old monks in Boing. It seems that the hitherho most succesful empire in this world was run by men in sandals, so I have suggested that the Boingonese army be supplied with regulation sandals rather than the usual mismatch of boots, shoes, and bare feet. It is amazing how that has encouraged the troops to move faster and more determinedly, especially in snow.

However, by 1462, the aggressors have had enough, and they are vassalised. Boing also annexes Tirhut from Bengal following popular demand amongst the soldiers, who occasionally during the war had thought that they were called to attention, when in fact they were ordered to invade.

Arakan and Bengal vassalised
994745197.jpg



From the Book of Mistakes

Note: This book is only to be read by senior monks upon pain of cleansing.

Following the return of the Transcendant One from his Bengalese holiday, the then Priest King Trakpa Chunge ordered pws hoarded and spent on missionary activity. While an excellent idea in principle, failing completely as it did, not one of the five missions being succesful, it was a financial disaster that impacted Prayer Wheel production for years to come and increased inflation. Fortunately, the Priest King Trakpa Chunge was not to see the consequences of his actions as rebellions grew seemingly from the sands, since he was crushed by a lowflying beluga whale which had finally reached an ascended state in 1465.


From the Book of Beginnings

Following the Bengalese expedition of 1455-1565, HE declared that HE would like Boing to be more focused. The senior monks, being very innovative, in a certain narrowminded sense, certainly agreed. This would inspire troublemakers to leave the mountains, and now that Boing had access to the sea, surely new homes could be found for them. Such as in Southern India. This would of course be somewhat expensive, but since when did pws matter, when action was taken in a good cause?

And thus began the colonisation of India, which despite a large number of failed attempts, eventually put the entire Southern Tip of India, Bombay, Goa, and the island of Sri Lanka, under Boingonese rule, full of good Boingonese Buddhists, who faithfully sent hope pws every year. And all this would by HIS suggestion come to pass.

And HE declared the vassal of Assam an integral part of Boing in 1477, despite some complaints that Assam didn't have enough mountains, Yetis or snow, but HE said, then export some mountains, Yetis, and snow, and the complainers shut up except for the one who was assassinated by a rogue Yeti.

And HE visited Ganges and drew images of Elephants of such surprising beauty, that the inhabitants spontaneously built a Fine Arts Academy to enshrine the beauty forevermore, and HE was pleased and did the wappa-dance of joy.


And the Priest King Dön-Yö Dorje and his senior monks visited the Transcendant One while HE was dissecting a volunteer Yeti, and the said as follows.

"The Mighty Empire of China, long may it remain our peaceful neighbour, has been struck by civil war, this september 1486. At least nine out of its more than thirty provinces (since we don't know of their eChina's provinces) are now in rebel hands. Any day some rebels may choose, by accident, to attack us. However, our numerous armies now exceed 50,000 men (and bloody expensive they are too at 25% of our monthly income on half pay). I counsel immediate defensive action to protect Boing, Transcendant One. We should increase the pay to 55%", said the Priest King Dön-Yö Dorje, decisively.

"When the Empire is Enveloped in Earthquakes, the Duckling Ducks", said the first senior monk.

"Let our soldiers be a Wall of Steel to protect the borders", suggested the second senior monk, rather weakly, being at a loss for a genuine bit of ancient wisdom for once.

"Indeed, when the Dragon roars, the Yeti goes fishing", intoned the third senior monk.

"He neither Suns the Moon, nor Moons the Sun", rasped the fourth senior monk, facetiously.

"In the last lorn fight, gainst the fall of long night, the mountains stand guard, and the dead shall be ward, for the grave is no bar to my call", said the fifth senior monk committing a copyright infringement were it not for ironical purposes as well as the greater blashemy of attempting to make guard rhyme with ward.

That's all very well and good, but I wish to study the sociological imperatives behind the rebellion. I would like you to arrange a visit to the heart of China, where the rebellion arose., responded the Transcendant One.

"You know, of course, that this means war?", asked the Priest King Dön-Yö Dorje.

No, no, no! It isn't war, it's an ADVENTURE! With, admittedly, certain martial aspects., said the Transcendant One.


And a royal marriage was arranged with China at indecent speed, one of the Priest King's cousins of the opposite sex being shipped out on the first available sled to China, and additional forces were marshalled, and only a year later, as all the mighty armies of Boing stood ready on the border to China, the Transcendant one ordered the Priest King Dön-Yö Dorje to claim the throne of China, to gain a fully legitimate casus belli.

Western China before the Boingonese adventurous expedition of 1487
371909272.jpg


"Unfortunately, Transcendant One, laying such a weighty claim would take in excess of 1300 pws which we cannot afford at the moment. But if you'll just wait the four years it will take to raise the pws, I'm sure we can come to a mutually acceptable solution. Or we could call off the expedition and play snow-polo instead.", said the Priest King Dön-Yö Dorje hopefully.

No worries, mate. Declare war without the casus belli then and save the money - they'll even return your cousin., replied the Transcendant One, serenely as always.

YAK DUNG! went the senior monks, agreeing for once.
 
Originally posted by Carolus Rex
HE and the Monk seem to enjoy it. :D

Heh.

It is interesting how long laid plans can be foiled by unexpected happenings, isn't it?

Here I was planning to go after Delhi next with high income and manpower provinces my prize before the Mughals came running (which explains the taking of Tirhut :D), when China was struck by a civil war. Suddenly on that day... Everything changed :D
 
Re: Episode the second

Originally posted by Peter Ebbesen

That's all very well and good, but I wish to study the sociological imperatives behind the rebellion. I would like you to arrange a visit to the heart of China, where the rebellion arose, responded the Transcendant One.

"You know, of course, that this means war?", asked the Priest King Dön-Yö Dorje.

No, no, no! It isn't war, it's an ADVENTURE! With, admittedly, certain martial aspects.


this one got me ROFL :D
keep up the hilarious work, can't wait to see the fate of those peaceful adventurers :)
 
Originally posted by Peter Ebbesen

Here I was planning to go after Delhi next with high income and manpower provinces my prize before the Mughals came running (which explains the taking of Tirhut :D)...
That's quite the typo you've got going there Peter. Please allow me to correct it for you...

"Here I was preparing to defend myself vigorously against the territorial expansionism of the evil nation of Delhi, regretably thinking that I might have to defensively accept their pitiful and unwanted high income and manpower provinces. Fortunately the Mughals came to my aid and I only had to defend myself most rigorously from the designs of Tirhut.:D"

Better?

There are some pricelessly funny lines in that instalment. Highly entertaining.
 
Re: Episode the second

Originally posted by Peter Ebbesen
From the Book of the Cheetah


And HE answered: Prudently conserve resources to pay off loans, naturally.

And the monk said: What about going bankrupt instead? As the sage says, the turtle does not move, nor does the eagle fly.

And He said: You were warned in a previous timeline, insignificant native

This is great.
 
Originally posted by Peter Ebbesen
...
And suggest that further discussion on this topic be relegated to another thread rather than cluttering this one up further (it is getting cluttered enough already :))
...
Sorry to start again, but this might be helpful to some poor souls who (like I) enjoy Your literary masterpieces:
I copy the post, paste it to Microsoft Word and voilá: pictures are displayed in the resulting document.
 
Originally posted by Energizer

Sorry to start again, but this might be helpful to some poor souls who (like I) enjoy Your literary masterpieces:
I copy the post, paste it to Microsoft Word and voilá: pictures are displayed in the resulting document.

Nice hack, Energizer! This works great, at least for me, and I couldn't view the images in any of the previously described ways.
 
Originally posted by Sharur
:D Brilliant stuff, Peter. Do you plan on giving us hints as to the Transcendent One's true indentity? (You probably already have, & I just didn't pick up on it :eek:)

I wonder what the 1st person to guess the identity of the 1st alien to rule an earth nation (outside of egypt, anyway) gets?
 
Originally posted by Sharur
:D Brilliant stuff, Peter. Do you plan on giving us hints as to the Transcendent One's true indentity? (You probably already have, & I just didn't pick up on it :eek:)

Well, the first hint, which should be glaringly obvious already from the intro, is that HE is believed to be the Transcendant One. Now, whether that is, in fact, the case or not, one point is clear:

Transcendent != Transcendant

And, of course, he has flapiflops, which rules out most of the obvious candidates :D

And there might be other hints if you look closely enough. But there shouldn't be enough for a definite identification yet.
 
Re: From the Book of Beginnings

Originally posted by Peter Ebbesen


And HE descended from the heavens and looked upon the assembled multitudes, and raising his flapiflops to the skies he did the wappa-dance of joy, and he spake thusly...

Entschuldigen Sie mir bitte. Sprechen Sie Deutch?
Parlez-vous Francais?
Kender I Nesebbe Retep?



Ah, might the transcendant one... transcend from Gentofte, Denmark perhaps? It seems like the author didn't expect the Norwegian inquisition...;)
 
Re: Re: From the Book of Beginnings

Originally posted by Norgesvenn


Ah, might the transcendant one... transcend from Gentofte, Denmark perhaps? It seems like the author didn't expect the Norwegian inquisition...;)

It seems that only silly monks would want to meet themselves, right? Moderately enlightened beings would want to meet others.
 
Re: From the Book of Beginnings

Originally posted by Energizer
Sorry to start again, but this might be helpful to some poor souls who (like I) enjoy Your literary masterpieces:
I copy the post, paste it to Microsoft Word and voilá: pictures are displayed in the resulting document.
I've got another one: If nothing else works, just download the image to your harddrive ("Save Link as..."), you'll get a jpg with a pretty annoying number as name, but you can watch it!
This is the first one working fine for me - there is just no place for M$ Word on a Unix-machine... :D

My honest apologies to The Transcendant One - whatever HIS nationality or origin may be - for HIS thread being hijacked again, it will not happen any more. (I hope so...) :)
 
Transcendant One: Marvin the Martian (from the Bugs Bunny Cartoons) would be my guess, but, then again, I'm drunk. He was made to look like an ant, and is, in fact, an alien. He would say "take me to your leader", upon crash landing on a savage planet like Terra, but then again, who wouldn't?
 
Once again you have created in insanely funny AAR, Peter Ebbesen. I actually laughed out so loud my co-workers asked what was going on... :cool: