Inevitable Defeat - Slovakia '44

[El Pip]

24th August

Tiso and Tuka are relaxing in the Presidential Office when the door bursts open revealing the distinctive outline of Messenger #78. Deciding not to waste time fighting his inability to knock, or even just open doors properly, they prepare for the latest news from the war.

"General Catlos requests your presence in the Command Bunker, the General Staff are suffering an epistemological crisis!" The messenger grandly announces.

Tiso and Tuka exchange confused glances.

"Are you sure?" Tiso asks.

"Absolutely." #78 replies.

"Because we know General Catlos and we're fairly certain he doesn't know what the word epistemological means." Tiso explained.

"We're not even sure he knows what the word crisis means." Tuka agreed.

"You can know nothing about medicine or biology but still suffer a heart attack." #78 countered.

"But you wouldn't know how to describe it." Tuka belligerently replied.

Leaving them to argue the finer points of linguistic determinism, Tiso stared longingly at the drinks cabinet. Reminding himself of the responsibilities of the Race to Bratislava, he rejoined the conversation.

"Be that as it may, General Catlos would never have used the word epistemological, so what did he actually say?" Tiso asked.

"He said the staff have received a message they don't understand or even know how to understand, so they are confused and don't know what to do." #78 said sulkily.

Dismissing the disgruntled messenger, Tiso asked the not-at-all vital question.

"Given he can have complex discussions about the nature of ontology, why does he still need training in how to knock?"

"I think publishing Jessenky's poems has raised the general standard of philosophical debate in the country." Tuka speculated.

"Amazing. We only start doing that to spite the population after that metal donation drive debacle." Tiso said.

Later, in the command bunker, Tiso and Tuka have arrived to attempt to solve the crisis.

"General, what is this incomprehensible message?" Tiso asked.

"It's OK I've just comprehended it." Catlos explained.

"And?" Tuka prompted.

"The British have appointed General Turanec Viceroy of India." Catlos proudly announced.

Apparently this happened. According to the Slovak General Staff anyway. Though could Turanec really have done a worse job than Mountbatten?​

The reaction was not quite what Catlos had hoped for.

"Are you sure we haven't got a better candidate for Chief of the General Staff?" Tuka asked his colleague

"We'll have to double check tomorrow." Tiso replied.

"You don't agree with my interpretation then?" Catlos asked, as he tried (and failed) not to look hurt.

"It is a ridiculous suggestion." Tuka said bluntly.

"Well you see if you can do any better." Catlos cried, throwing over the message. "If he isn't the new Viceroy, then what on earth is this Victory thing that Turanec has achieved."

Given their history you can see why a victory would confuse the Slovak General Staff.​

A stunned Tiso reached for his hipflask but, for the first time since independence, not in despair but for a drink of triumph.

--
Notes:
I'll wager very few AARs have this level of philosophy in them. Also Suceava was a genuine victory, the Slovak division even did some fighting.

 

[El Pip]

25th August

We return to Bratislava the day after the greatest military triumph in Slovakia's history. It was also the only triumph, but that was just another reason for Tiso and Tuka to celebrate. Sadly the harsh realities of the Race to Bratislava compelled them to return to the Command Shed the very next morning.

"What news from the East General?" Tuka asked, mostly to confirm that yesterday hadn't been a wonderful dream.

"Not good. Saipan and Naha have fallen and Japan is being pushed back in Burma." General Catlos reported.

"My mistake." Tuka said, determined to try and not get angry to keep the good mood. "General Viest, what news from the Eastern Front?"

As Catlos looked upset, Viest replied.

"Operation Gegenteil Kessel has been a triumph." He said.

"I thought Operation Gag Until Kiss Ill had been cancelled due to confusion?" Tuka asked.

"The triple counter-signed paperwork required to cancel the operation hadn't been completed on time, so it is still technically ongoing." Viest explained.

Marvelling at another example of Germanic efficiency, T&T turned to look at the Far Eastern map

The German Panzer spearhead is no longer trapped in a pocket while the Slovak 1st (East) division is leading the charge to try and encircle the isolated elements of the 3rd Ukrainian Front.​

Tiso didn't even get a chance to tempt fate before a junior office ran up with an update from another part of the war.

"Well that's not gone well." General Viest commented on reading the update.

To the relief of the fabric of reality, the Slovak armed forces in Italy were behaving in the expected manner.​

As the news was passed around, the Slovak leadership was reacquainted with the bitter taste of reality. With help from his hipflask it was Tiso who first recovered.

"So what is the plan for the 1st (Original and Best) Division?" Tiso asked.

"Try to run away to Predappio." Catlos read from the message.

"Try?" Tuka queried, dreading the answer.

"Well they may not be able to make it." Viest explained.

"How can you fail at running away?" Tiso demanded, fearful that the Slovak army lacked the proper doctrines to run away competently.

"Well the Gothic Line plan hasn't really worked and Predappio may not be safe by the time they get there." Viest gestured at the newly updated map.

Chased by the British 6th Armoured and with the US 88th Blue Devils moving to cut off their retreat, things did not look good for the 1st (Original and Best) Division. But when did things ever look good for the Slovak Army?​

"What are their chances General?" Tiso asked.

"Well the Allied forces are all led by experienced generals, motorised and well supplied. So they can't hope to outrun them. It will come down to wit, brains and cunning." Viest explained.

Tiso and Tuka exchanged raised eyebrows and braced for the worst.

--
The Italian Front is going amazingly badly for the Axis. Does it normally fall apart this badly or has the Slovak division just really confused the AI?

 

[El Pip]

26th August

We return to the Slovak Supreme Command Shed as the cream of the nation's political leadership gather to await news from Italy. While they wait the military command are explaining the intricacies of Axis Grand Strategy to Tiso and Tuka.

"So what is the plan if the 1st (Original and Best) Division does get to Predappio before the Allies." Tiso asked.

"Link up with the Bulgarian 6th Division and run away further to join the 1st Croatian Army in Forli." Catlos explained.

"Really?" Tuka asked.

"Oh yes, the Croatian forces are the vital linchpin of the defence of Eastern Italy." Catlos said.

"And they've sent an entire Army?" Tiso further asked.

"It's mainly just a HQ of them." Viest admitted.

"And that's the key to the defence of Italy is it?" Tiso asked.

"I never said they were a very good linchpin." Catlos argued.

"And compared to the complete lack of any defence at all of Western Italy it's actually quite impressive." Viest added.

There was very little Tiso or Tuka felt they could add to that, so they returned to the original subject.

"Couldn't we just run away straight to Forli?" Tuka asked.

"Oh no, that's utterly against the rules." Catlos looked horrified.

"Once you've chosen a route for running away you have to stick to it." Viest said solemnly. "It's in the rules of war."

"Even if that means running away straight into a Prisoner of War camp?" Tiso asked in confusion.

"Yes. The rules are clear." Catlos said firmly.

Tiso and Tuka never got a chance to respond as the phone rang with news. Catlos answered.

"W.." Tiso started to ask, but the look on Catlos' face said it all.

The chunk of British territory where a Slovak division should be. Still, at least the Bulgarian 6th Division made it! and those divisions of trapped Alpini haven't surrendered (yet).​

/pop/

/glug, glug, glug/

 

[El Pip]

29th August

We begin not in the dark heart of Bratislava, but in the nondescript and frankly dull town of Zlate Moravce. There, amongst the bricks and sinks that made the town utterly unheard of even by other Slovakians, a dramatic speech was reaching it's climax.

"For too long has Slovakia suffered under the cruel hardship of independence, condemned to run it's own affairs instead of having competent leadership imposed on it. That ends this day! For today we will remove the heavy burden of self determination from Slovakia and restore the righteous yoke of Czech control! Today we start the fight to restore Czechoslovakia!" The speaker roared.

The crowd did not go wild. The speaker looked a bit confused at this.

"Any questions?" He asked.

"We can probably take over Slovakia and no-one would care. But aren't the Germans likely to notice when we try and un-annex the bits they are occupying?" A member of the crowd asked.

"They might, but we shall be assisted by the might of the Soviet army. They will help us liberate our country!" The speaker re-assured the crowd.

"So we're trading half the country being free, for the entire country being run by Stalin?" Someone else clarified.

"It will be a united Czechoslovakia!"

"But run by Stalin. Are we sure this is actually an improvement?"

"Well it's too late now, we've ordered the outfits and hats so we're doing this uprising." The speaker instructed.

It begins! The much threatened Slovak National Uprising. An uprising that contained a surprising number of Czechs and not much in the way of Slovakians.​

Shortly later, back in the dark heart of Bratislava, T&T are "catching up on vital affairs of state". They are awoken from their drunken slumber by the door bursting inwards.

"What have I told you messengers about bursting into doors with knocking?" Tuka threatened.

"I am no ordinary messenger." The mysterious figure replied.

Tiso looked up and tried to focus.

"No, it can't be." He mumbled, unable to believe what his eyes were telling him.

"Yes, it is I. Messenger 13!" The figure confirmed.

"The forbidden messenger!" Tuka said in tones of hushed awe.

"Indeed. And you are required in the Grand Command Complex." And with that the messenger vanished in a blur of smashing doors, leaving only a beautiful hand sketched map.

Tiso and Tuka followed the directions, taking them to a lavishly equipped command centre a world away from the usual command shed. Cutting straight to the irrelevance of the issue, Tuka began shouting.

"General! Why on earth do we keep meeting in that damned shed if we have a proper command centre?" He yelled.

"We wanted to save it for special occasions." General Catlos replied.

"And being involved in an existential world spanning conflict wasn't special enough?! What on earth was?"

"The Czechs!" Catlos replied, spitting on the floor.

There was a brief pause, due to an outbreak of disgusted spitting.

"The foul betrayer Viest is leading an uprising of traitors against us. He has raised a rag tag army and intends to march on Bratislava." Catlos

"General Viest? A traitor? But why?" Tuka asked.

"Because he was Czech!" Catlos explained, prompting another round of disgusted spitting on the floor.

Tiso and Tuka are stunned into silence, eventually Tiso finds his voice.

"Is it just Viest? Or do we have other Czech traitors hiding in our ranks?" He asked.

"We checked and the General Staff have prepared this briefing on the cabinet." Catlos replied.

Can you tell General Catlos was the lead author behind this report?​

With their elite team checked and ready for the fight, Tiso and Tuka must now face their greatest foe: Civil War!

--
As promised, a semi-realistic Slovak National Uprising. How will T&T cope? Apart from badly obviously.

 

[El Pip]

29th August. Still

We return to the hitherto unused Slovak Command Centre where Tiso and Tuka are readying the Slovak state to resist the National Uprising.

"Gentlemen, we face our most terrible threat - Civil War." Tiso tried to begin.

"I thought we were already fighting a Total War to stop the Race to Bratislava?" General Catlos interrupted.

"Yes, we are." Tiso confirmed.

"Well isn't that worse? Total War sounds much worse." General Catlos

There was a brief clicking from Armaments Minister Pruzinksy's abacus as he checked this bold statement.

"He's right. If something is Total it has to include all the little bits or it isn't a Total." Pruzinksy said.

"So if both are happening at once, does that mean are we fighting a Civil Total War?" Catlos asked.

"Shouldn't it be Civil Total War War?" Intelligence Minister Bernard added. "We've got to use up that second War or it'll just flap around getting in the way."

As Tuka yelled at the cream of the nations' political and military leadership, Tiso wondered if Slovakia was really worth fighting for. Dismissing such terrible thoughts, he looked for support and comfort in his hipflask and found the strength of will to focus again on the meeting.

"We could fight a Sub-Total War to stop the Race to Bratislava, that would work and not violate the Venn Diagram of War." Pruzinksy was suggesting as a compromise.

"Shut up the lot of you." Tiso raised his voice, shocking the entire bunker as Tuka traditionally handled the yelling portion of the government. "You can all start to help organise our defence or you can go and help Jesensky prepare his poetry." He threatened.

As the terrified cabinet minister silenced themselves, Tiso asked to see the military position.

"And no sodding interpretative dance." He added.

Catlos took off his ballet shoes with bad grace and pulled out the latest Slovak General Staff Map of Many Things.

A surprisingly simple map. The effect of being in a proper HQ was having a terrible effect on the Slovak General Staff.​

"Viest's rebel forces are concentrated in the entirely pointless town of Zlate Moravce." Catlos pointed out.

"And our forces?" Tuka asked.

"The 1st Division (East) under General Turanec is 500 miles away, trying to relieve Suceava on the Eastern Front. General Jurech's 2nd Division (Brackets Deliberately Left Blank) has just reached Abbeville in Northern France, so is 800 miles away." Airforce Chief Pulanich explained.

"You seem well informed about the army, for an air force chief." Tuka asked suspiciously.

"We haven't got an air force and I get bored, so I help out running the army." Pulanich explained.

"So essentially the entire loyalist army is miles away and we have almost nothing to stop the Viest from marching on Bratislava?" Tiso summarised.

"Yes." Catlos said.

In the silence that followed Tiso lamented having hit the hipflask so heavily earlier.

--
Note:
Short but.. short. I'm trying to get back into little and often updates on this, so hopefully this meets with approval. My plan is that this will be over by Christmas, I've probably said that before but this time I'm really going to go for it.

 

[El Pip]

29th August. Again. Again.

In the previously pristine, but now sightly grubby, Slovak National Command Centre Bunker, Tiso and Tuka are reaping the consequences of previous decisions.

"How can we have no home defences at all?" Tuka asked.

"It's just one of those things that happen during a war." Catlos offered.

Suddenly a door is thrown open and a silhouetted figure emerges, dramatically backlit.

"Is it? Or is it just as planned?" The figure asks.

"Mach?" Tuka asks.

The figure nods.

"Well what on earth are you talking about?" Tiso asks the disgraced former Interior Minister.

"I have for some time suspected a diabolical plan has been unfolding, but only now do I fully understand." Mach explained.

"Ignore him, he's just an idiot who keeps saying Just as Planned." Catlos advised.

Tiso considered the matter.

"We might as well let him say his piece, he can't make things any worse." Tiso decided.

"General Catlos, who first promoted the traitor Viest into the High Command?" Mach asked.

"Well I did, but there was a vacancy of Head of the Army." Catlos admitted.

"Ahh yes, the vacancy after General Malar was sentenced to a duel to the death with pencils in the snake pit. Given Malar's understanding of the importance of the Race to Bratislava do you think he would ever have left the homeland undefended?" Mach asked T&T

"No, probably not." Tuka said as Tiso nodded along.

"Remind me general, who forced Malar from office?" Mach asked.

"It was the advice of the General Staff!" Catlos indignantly replied.

"The staff you led?"

"Well yes." Catlos squirmed.

"And the famous Triangle Plan, the one Malar was against and which has left the entire army hundreds of miles away. Who's idea was that?"

"The Staff believed it was the best option to defend.." Catlos started.

"The same Staff you led?" Mach interrupted.

"Yes." Catlos confessed, slumping his shoulders.

"And how long have you been working with the traitor Viest in planning the uprising?" Mach asked, the slower officers (i.e most of them) gasping in horror as they realised the truth.

"Since the start. We lost everything when Czechoslovakia was taken apart; infrastructure, knowledge, industry, electricity, the wheel, fire, poetry that wasn't awful. If rejoining the Czechs is the only way to get those things back, then it's a price I'm prepared to pay." Catlos spat defiance. A few of the slower staff joined in the spitting out of force of habit.

As Catlos was dragged away, the Slovak High Command tried to process the shock.

"And you Pulanich? When did you turn replace the real head of the air force and turn traitor?" Mach asked.

Pulanich tried to look outraged, but gave in when no-one was convinced.

"The same time as Catlos, but how did you know?" He confessed.

"The real Pulnaick always wore a giant scarf and googles." Mach explained. "And couldn't actually spell his own name properly."

Betrayed by his ability to spell, a mistake no true Slovak senior general would make, Pulanich was dragged away along with his fellow traitor Catlos.

As he considered the events Tiso realised he had very mixed emotions, on the one had they had finally purged the high command of traitors. But on the other Slovakia no longer had a high command or indeed anyone left to fight Viest's rebel army.

--
Notes:
The real Catlos was actually Minister of Defence and did defect to the Uprising. He never joined the rebel high command, but did make many broadcasts encouraging others to defect. Pulanick/h, him of the famously wrong Paradox spelling, was a covert supporter of the Uprising and somehow managed to avoid being killed by the Slovak/Germans and so got rewarded by the post-war Czech state.

 

[El Pip]

Still the 29th of August. It was a very busy time.

In the now considerably emptier Slovakian Grand Central High Command Bunker, Tiso & Tuka were not asking about why the name of the building keeps getting longer. But maybe they should have been? Instead they were distracted by the trivial matter of Civil War.

"What's the plan for defeating the traitor Viest then?" Tiso asked the ragged remnants of the General Staff.

Lacking the leadership ability to stupidly misinterpret the request, a junior office hands over the latest Staff estimate of the troops required for final victory.

To remind you, Slovakia still has no concept of powered flight. And the only two divisions left in the army are hundreds of miles away. Truly the AI has embraced the Slovak spirit.​

Realising he couldn't hit the hipflask so early, not after last time, Tiso left Tuka to yell and summoned the cabinet, hoping against hope that they had a better plan.

Slightly later, when the cabinet had assembled, the Armaments Minister was discussing the status of the massed fire, smoke and steam factories of the nation.

"To fight the Sub-Total Civil Total War War we will need more troops and luckily we have some in training." Pruzinksy announced.

"Actual real troops?" Tuka checked.

"A new division of Border Guards." Pruzinsky confirmed.

The actual Hranicni oblast were the Czechoslovakian Army's Border Troops. So naturally the Slovaks would build them as militia, another triumph of Paradox's famed research skills and legendary attention to detail.​

"And when will they be trained and equipped?" Tiso asked.

Pruzinsky pushed beads around his abacus, his lips moving as he did the complex calculation.

"Februrary 1945. Ish." He announced.

"So a bit late for the current conflict?" Tiso sighed.

"If you wanted to be negative about it, I suppose you could say that." Pruzinsky looked hurt.

"Shouldn't they be a division of our actual militia, the Hlinka Guard, not border troops?" Tuka asked suspiciously.

Pruzinksy removed his monocle and looked slightly embarrassed.

"Probably. But we had all the old border guard uniforms left over and the paperwork was still in place, and you know how hard it is to change military names." He admitted.

Everyone turned to look at the Minister for Justice.

"Article 74 of the Constitution is very clear on this, we can't go around renaming troops just because thire name makes no sense. Standards must be as firm as an anti-slip bonded woven Wilton!" Gejaz Fritz declared.

No-one could argue with this, because no-one understood it.

---
Slovakia is on minimal training (-10% build time) and that militia started construction in June. I still maintain the ultimate HOI3 gameplay challenge is nothing to do with world conquest but is actually 'Building anything with Slovakia before being annexed.'

 

[El Pip]

It must stop being the 29th of August at some point. Surely?

Deep in the heart of the Slovak Republic Army's Supreme Central Command Bunker the staff are spending most of their time writing down the ever increasing name of the HQ instead of doing work. This is probably for the best. Meanwhile Tiso and Tuka have got a civil war to fight and are discussing quite how to attempt this.

"So the only force available to resist Veist is the Slovak HQ in Preividza?" Tiso asked.

The assembled staff officers nodded.

"And we only send the best and brightest officers here to Bratislava, so the ones out in the HQ are the B-Team?" Tuka asked.

The staff looked smug while nodding.

Tiso and Tuka exchanged a glance of shear horror.

"To win a battle with such troops we will need a hero, the greatest general Slovakia has ever produced." Tiso concluded.

"But General Turanec is hundreds of miles away fighting the Soviets." Tuka pointed out.

"There is another, summon General Svoboda." Tiso ordered.

General Ludvík Svoboda, the greatest general in all of Slovakia. That is a much more impressive achievement than it sounds.​

Tuka looked at Mach, sighed and nodded.

"No. Guards, arrest General Svoboda and then drag him away." He said sadly, spitting on the floor.

"Wha.." Tiso started, then realisation dawned. "He's a Czech traitor isn't he?" He asked.

Mach nodded. The Staff spat on the floor in disgust at yet another Czech traitor.

"Well we're doomed then." Tiso said.

The gloom is interrupted by the main doors being smashed off their hinges and flying into the room. Two familiar figures, covered in snake bites and pencil wounds, enter the room.

"Malars!" Tiso and Tuka shouted in unison.

"Indeed, we have returned in Slovakia's hour of need." Gustav Malar said.

"But how did you escape the pencil studded, snake filled fighting pit?" Tiso asked a question that no-one else in history has ever had to ask.

"All the guards are busy dragging away foul Czech traitors." Augustin explained, as the general staff spat on the floor due to force of habit. "With no guards it was simple to tie the snakes together into a rudimentary rope and use that to climb out.

"And now, working together, the Malar twins are back to save Slovakia." Gustav stated.

Years of fighting on the Eastern Front mean Augustin actually knows what a Tank is, making him one of the finest and most advanced military theorists in all of Slovakia.​

"Brother, go to Preividza and begin the fight." Gustav continued. "I will stay in Bratislava and rally the staff for the fights yet to come."

Malar nodded, saluted T&T and left the bunker.

Surprised, and relieved, to actually have a functioning command again Tiso asked about the grand Malar plan.

"We will fight Viest in Zlate Moravce, before he has a chance to begin his march on Bratislava." Malar explained.

Tiso looked at the map again.

"So he's not based in the Forest Fortress of Banska Bystrica?" Tiso asked.

"Surprisingly not." Malar said. "He picked an entirely unfortified, dull, bit of plain next door instead. A foolish and inexplicable mistake."

Tiso's spirits rose, you could take the Officer out of the Slovak General Staff, but you could never take the Slovak General Staff out of the Officer. They may yet have a chance.

30th August. At last!

It begins.​

---
And people thought this was just badly strung together jokes about bad research, poetry and AI mistakes. They were probably right.

When the game generated the rebel Czech HQ it did so in the pointless province, not the one with a fort in. The rebel Czech capital is in Banska Bystrica, the HQ was named Banska Bystrica, but the unit was actually located in the dull province next door. The AI has clearly been infected by T&T.

Svoboda was a Czech communistical leaning general of such fanaticism he became Puppet President of Czechoslovakia in the late 1960s/early 1970s so, obviously, spent WW2 fighting against the Germans and Slovaks. He was also the only 3 skill general available to Slovakia, so I just knew research would reveal him to be Czech.

 

[El Pip]

31st August

We return to the Slovakian State Army's Supreme Central High Command Bunker, where the newly returned General Malar has a team trying to hunt down whoever keeps lengthening the building's name. While the war continues, the nation still needs running and Tiso and Tuka are holding a cabinet meeting in the bunker.

"Are we sure there is nothing we can do to increase industrial production? We need more troops." Malar asked.

"We've completely run out of energy reserves and our actual production only allows us to run half of the factory." Pruzinksy explained.

"And we can't get any more coal?"Malar asked Pruzinksy.

"Yes. It would take years to increase our coal production, we're not allowed to import any and even if we did get permission to trade the merchant fleet is in ruins." Pruzinksy explained.

The mighty Slovakian Merchant Marine Fleet in (Very) Dry Dock​

"Why do we even have a merchant fleet? We haven't got a coastline?" Tiso asked.

There was a pause

"We inherited our share of the Czechoslovakian merchant fleet?" Tuka guessed.

"But Czechoslovakia didn't have a coast line either. So why did they have a merchant fleet?" Tiso probed further

There was a longer pause.

Luckily it was broken by the arrival of a messenger with news of the dramatic conclusion of the battle.

"That was suspiciously quick." Intelligence Minister Hans Not-A-German-Bernard said.

"I though the Sub-Civil Total War War War would take much longer." Pruzinksy agreed.

Malar finished reading the message, then interrupted this intellectual discussion.

"It's not from Augustin, it is from General Turanec on the Eastern Front." He explained.

While one of the Malars and Viest clash for the fate of Slovakia, the war in the East continued much as usual.​

"Turanec intends to rally his forces in Putyla and then see where best he can help stabilise the line." Malar explained.

"How can he not know what to do next?" Tiso asked.

"The northern Romanian section of the Eastern Front is a bit confusing." Malar explained, pointing at the map.

Malar is back and so is the Slovak General Staff's Map of Many Things. In tribute to Augustin the font is very Germanic Gothic.​

"We have successfully pocketed a spearhead of the 3rd Ukrainian Front, which is good. However the efforts to create a second pocket, by having a heroic armoured/mechanised charge linked up with Turanec's division, did not go well." Malar pointed out the relevant bits of the map.

"Why is the 10th Panzer division represented by a mechanised counter and the mechanised unit with a tank counter?" Hans Not-A-German-Bernard asked.

There was an awkward silence.

"That's why the attack went wrong isn't it?" Tuka asked. "When those units were loaned to Romania all the tanks were sent to the wrong division and everyone got lost?"

"Maybe." Malar admitted.

--
Slovakia does start with some convoys. I've no idea why. That section of the Eastern Front is a bit messy. Lots of the German army has been sent to Romania as an expeditionary force.

 

[El Pip]

1st September

We return to SSSSH!, the Slovak State Supreme Service Headquarters, General Malar taking the desperate measure of resorting to acronyms to try and shorten the building's name. Things are no less tense inside as terrible news has arrived.

"I can't bare to even open it." Tiso admitted.

"We have to, it could be vital news." Tuka said firmly.

"But at what price?" Tiso asked.

"Just give it here and I'll do it." Malar said, grabbing the envelope.

He read the message inside aloud to the room.

On this anniversary of war
it's wise to remember the law
Stalin hate to be rational
when he expands the third international
And that is why symbolic interaction will never reveal the true depths of stratified reality.
Janko Jessensky, bringing new meaning to the word cryptic. And new meanings for many other words while he was at it. Possibly.​

"There was also this news." Malar announced.

The history of Sinkiang, also known as Xinjiang, during the 1930s and 40s is incredible and includes such delights as Soviets and White Russians fighting on the same side, many mad mercenary Cossacks, the East Turkestan Republic and lots and lots of mustard gas. None of which will feature in this AAR.​

"I know we say this a lot about Jessensky, but that makes no sense at all." Tuka said. "In fact it makes even less sense than usual." He clarified.

"The Comintern was also known as the Third International. So I think Jessensky is pointing out the problem with Sinkiang joining the Comintern." Intelligence Minister Not-A-German Bernard volunteered.

"And what is the problem?" Tuka asked.

"Stalin had the Comintern dissolved last year." Bernard explained.

"Dissolved, sounds ominous. Was it replaced with the Fourth International?" Tiso said.

"No, Trotsky already founded that before his tragic ice pick accident." Bernard said.

"Then the Fifth International?" Tuka guessed.

"No that would be silly." Bernard replied. "Instead Stalin replaced it with the International Social Organizations Sector of the International Department of the Central Committee of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union."

"And that's not silly at all." Tuka said in a daze, while Tiso thought calming, non-hipflask based, thoughts.

--
Notes:
People were asking for Jessensky poetry, I hope they are happy with the terrible consequences of that request.

The Third International/Comintern was dissolved in 1943, it was replaced by that ridiculously named organisation (which was normally called the Cominform for short) as the Fourth International had already been taken. Hilariously the campaign for the Fifth International has already split into bitterly opposed rival factions before the Fifth International even exists. I'm toying with the idea of founding the Sixth International myself just to see what happens.

 

[El Pip]

3rd September

It was Sunday, so Tiso was not in the bunker but instead was taking the day off, in accordance with his holy vows. Occasionally people pointed out the practical and theological problems caused by a priest refusing to do any work at all on a Sunday, but these people were never heard from again so can safely be ignored.

There was a polite knock on the door. Tiso seriously considered pretending to be out, but eventually gave in and told Tuka to answer the door.

"I bring urgent news from our Romanian associates!" The messenger announced, handing over an envelope

Tuka opened the message.

Shocking news indeed. If people start thinking minor Axis leaders are fair game then T&T would be #3124th on the list!​

"Someone has tried to assassinate the Conductor of Romania." Tuka read out.

"Not Sergiu Celibidache!" Tiso wailed

"No. Ion Antonescu has almost been assassinated." Tuka tried to explain.

"But Antonescu isn't a conductor. I've met him, he even hums out of tune." Tiso replied.

There was a moment of mutual confusion.

Sergiu Celibidache, a famous Romanian conductor but not actually a military dictator, despite what the percussion section would have you believe.​

"As well as being Prime Minister Antonescu calls himself Conducător." Tuka explained.

"Well that's a silly title." Tiso opined.

"Like Generalissimus?" The messenger asked.

As his personal guards dragged the messenger away to the snake filled pencil pit, Tiso asked the obvious question.

"Does it say what happened?" Tiso asked.

"The assassins used a large bomb to try and blow up the cabinet, the suspects were last seen fleeing by plane." Tuka read.

"That's an elaborate scheme. Any suspects?" Tiso asked.

"Thousands apparently."

As Tiso and Tuka considered the terrifying scale of such a vast plot, thousands of miles away the 'assassins' were being debriefed.

"Good work chaps, we plastered the target but the brass hats want us to go back again tonight and give it another go."

Government Minister Assassinations, RAF Style​

--
Notes:
We are moving forward, slowly. I just need to stop being distracted by the silly messages the game throws up.

Genuine message that happened to hit at the same time as I saw the RAF bombing Bucharest. Antonescu did indeed call himself Conducător and Mr Celibidache was the first result on google for famous Romanian conductors, it does appear he reached Jessensky levels of pretentious waffle at times.

 

[El Pip]

4th September

After the horrors of the weekend, Tiso and Tuka returned to the Slovak Army Command Redoubt Incorporating Logistically Embedded Group Expertise. Tiso was trying to work out the acronym, but was interrupted by a junior officer running in with news.

"Banska Bystrica has been conquered!" The officer announced.

"Don't you mean liberated?" Malar asked.

"We don't use that sort of language around here." Tuka interrupted

"Indeed, if we start talking about liberty the next thing you know people start complaining about the police state or the lack of elections." Justice Minister Fritz explained. "It would be like trying to use a Polyvinyl Acetate solution to pre-bind an underlay, utterly unacceptable!"

Fritz spat in the floor in disgust at the thought of such poor carpet bonding technique. A few of the more impressionable junior staff officers joined in the spitting out of force of habit.

"But we can't conqueror our own territory, it just sounds silly. How about we have returned?" Malar asked.

There were nods around the table.

"Let's hear the correct version then." Malar asked the junior officer.

"Banska Bystrica has been conquered!" The officer said, slightly nervously.

Tiso reached for his hipflask as Tuka began warming up his vocal chords. They were interrupted by Fritz, who had actually bothered to read the message.

"No he's right." Fritz said. "We didn't return, Banska Bystrica been conquered and occupied by the Hungarians."

The heroes of the Hungarian army took the mighty forest fortress of Banska Bystrica without impressively low casualties. Because it was empty as the Czechs were all in Zlate Moravce. But given how badly the war had gone for Hungary they needed whatever victories they could take.​

"The Hungarians are now moving to support Augustin and our troops in the final attack on the Czech traitors in Zlate Moravce." Malar gestured on the map.

The Hungarian 7th Unpronounceable Collection of Consonants Division, waiting for the optimum moment to join the attack on Zlate Moravce. And not in any way waiting for the last minute before rushing in to grab the glory.​

"Are the Hungarians going to give us control of Banska Bystrica back again?" Pruzinksy asked the important question.

"They said they would, when the war is over." Fritz read from the message.

"The Sub-Civil Total War Civil War War War, or the bigger massive world war?" Pruzinksy asked.

"They didn't specify." Fritz said.

On this ominous note Tiso thought back to the First Vienna Award, sighed and reached for his hipflask.

---
The Hungarian AI took the Civil War very seriously, which was a surprise. Then the dodgy HOI3 core/owner/controller mechanics kicked in and got things wrong, which was much less of a surprise.

The First Vienna Award saw Germany 'mediate' a decision to give a chunk of Southern Slovakia to Hungary, unsurprisingly Slovak-Hungarian relations got quite nasty after that; riots, torched buildings and various other things that can't be discussed.

 

[El Pip]

5th September

We return not to Bratislava, but to the deck of a destroyer watching an ambitious amphibious landing being spectacularly badly executed.

"I'll not deny it's amusing to watch, but shouldn't we be somewhere nearer the fighting?" Sergeant Miller asked.

"No, duty first." Major Mallory replied.

"But is this really duty, messing about in the Eastern Mediterranean miles from any enemy?"

"We're doing a vital job, if those two weren't distracted here who knows what damage they'd do?" Mallory asked rhetorically.

As they spoke General Clark was staring intently at a mirror, whether distracted by vanity or because he didn't understand the concept of a reflection was unclear. Meanwhile MacArthur was shouting at the film crew for not making his walk up the beach look dramatic enough.

"Look at the latest news from Italy." Mallory said, handing over the telegram.

Technically this is VI Day. Sadly it happened on the 5th of September not the 6th, typical Mussolini. Incompetently inconvenient to the very last.​

"Do you think that would have been possible so quickly with those two present?" Mallory asked.

Miller admitted it would be unlikely.

"Now lets get down to the beach before MacArthur works out this is the Peloponnese not the Philippines." Mallory said.

Meanwhile, in a smoke filled chamber deep in the hear of the Slovak Fire and Steam Ministry, a butler passed a telegram to Pruzinksy.

You wait months for a German trade deal to come in, hoping they would offer you the excess energy they have and that you desperately need, then they offer this.​

Pruzinsky adjusted his monocle and considered telling the President about this offer. But he already knew the answer, Slovakia didn't have the supplies to spare and couldn't do anything with the extra money.

"Best just place that message in the circular filing cabinet." He told the flunky. "And send another crate of firewater off to the Palace, I do believe the President's hipflask will be in need of refilling after the news from Italy."

---
Money is one of the few things Slovakia isn't short of. Because there is absolutely nothing they can do with it.

Circular filing cabinet is one of my favourite euphemisms for rubbish bin, which probably isn't that well known outside the UK.

 

[El Pip]

5th September. But really late at night, almost the 6th really.

We return to Bratislava, but this time to the master bedroom at the very heart of the Presidential Palace. If you could call it a palace. If you could call what Tiso was doing a Presidency. There was a knock at the door.

"Get the door Tuka." The half asleep Tiso mumbled.

"You should get." Tuka replied.

"I'm the President." Tiso retorted.

"You have the bottom bunk, so you are nearest the door." Tuka called down.

Grumbling Tiso walked to the door and opened it, revealing Messenger C

"I bring urgent news from the East, General Turanec is under attack!" Messenger C blurted.

A finely balanced and tense battle on the Eastern Front! Sort of. Not really.​

"Tell the General Staff we will be in later." Tiso said.

"You aren't going to rush into the HQ?" The messenger asked.

"Why would we bother?" Tuka called down from his bunk.

"It's not like we could do anything to help them fight." Tiso agreed.

"But you must do something!" Messenger C cried out.

Tiso stared the man in the eyes and reached a decision.

"You are impudent, but correct. I must do something." He announced.

As Messenger C was dragged away by the Presidential Hlinka Guards, Tiso returned to his bed, appreciative of the perks of dictatorship.

7th September

Deep in the heart of the Slovakian Army's Deeply Integrated Strategy Tomb, Malar was wondering if the acronyms were starting to do more harm than good. His reasoning was interrupted by the arrival of a yawning T&T, noticing their arrival Malar looked at his watch meaningfully.

"Stop that Malar, it's not like we missed anything." Tuka said.

"You took a whole extra day off! You might have missed something really important." Malar complained.

"No we wouldn't, and we needed to catch up on our sleep after that messenger interrupted us." Tiso explained.

A junior officer stops the bickering by handing over a message to Malar and sprinting out of the room.

"It as we feared." Malar sighed.

The benefits of mountain, weather and a tramp like moustache + hat combo were not enough to stop a crack Soviet Guards division led by a man with a stunningly peaked hat. The complete lack of organisation in the defending Slovak division may have been a factor as well. In any event Slovakian milliners, like their colleagues in the rest of the nation, had much to learn and little time to do so.​

"That means that Northern Romania has now defenceless?" Tiso asked.

"Pretty much." Malar agreed.

"So Turanec will be joining up with our allies to hold the Hungarian border?" Tuka asked.

"Sort of." Malar fudged.

"In what way sort of?" Tiso asked, fearing the worst.

"Well Turanec will regroup on the Hungarian border, but Admiral Horthy has decided the Hungarian forces have other priorities." Malar gestured at the map of many things.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single Czech HQ unit that has already been surrounded and engaged in combat is much more of a threat than the 3rd Ukrainian Front. Or at least it is a truth acknowledged by the Hungarian Army High Command.​

Where once Tiso had taken comfort in not being the most inept Axis minor, latterly he had begun to realise the terrible consequences of this for the wide war effort.

*Pop* *Glug, glug, glug*

--
Notes:
More T&T and extra hipflask action, are you not entertained!?

I ran the game for an extended period just to make sure the AI had a chance, it sill got badly confused by all of this and did decide the Czechs must be crushed at any cost regardless of consequence for the Eastern Front.

 

[El Pip]

9th September

Having taken another day off to recover from the shock of not being the worst Axis minor, Tiso and Tuka are meeting with Malar and his staff in the Slovak High Army Ministry Enabling Fighting Until Liberation.

The meeting began with important news, the 2nd (Brackets Intentionally Left Blank) Divison had arrived in France.

"With this move the Triangle defence plan is finally complete!" An unnamed Staff Officer announced triumphantly.

"That's the plan devised by the traitor Catlos to leave Slovakia undefended so he could launch his coup?" Tuka asked.

"Well.. yes."

"And we've lost the entire Italian leg of the triangle?" Tiso followed up.

"Yes." Malar confirmed.

"So that statement is wrong, and even if it was correct it's nothing to celebrate." Tuka concluded.

"One could almost say it's shameful." Tiso agreed.

Malar pointed at the acronym on the wall. There was a pausa while T&T worked it out, then Tiso reached for his hipflask as Tuka expressed his disappointment vocally.

When they had both calmed down in their own way, the meeting continued.

"General Jurech arrived just in time to fill a crucial hole in the defensive line." Malar explained.

"So he was attacked the moment he arrived?" Tios interpreted.

"Yes." Malar admitted.

Jurech has a jaunty hat, a fine knowledge of armoured chain conveyor belt system and all of Slovakia's military policemen. Bodington has intense spectacles, a division of Welshmen in trucks and is fuelled by the incalculable rage of having incompetent Swedes misspell his last name. It could go either way.​

The meeting moved on, checking that the 1st Division (East) was still successfully "straightening out the winding front lines" on the Eastern Front. A message from General Turanec confirmed that his men would need several more days of running away until they got to Hungary. With the wider war dealt with, the meeting turned to the Sub-Civil Total Civil War War Civil War Total. War.

"The forces fighting against the foul traitor Viest have been reinforced." Malar announced. "Hungary has sent the 9th Unpronounceable Collection of Random Letters Divisions to join the 7th and they have been joined by the 72nd Zombie Undead Division."

"Zombie Undead Division?" Tiso questioned.

"Yes. The German 72nd Infantry Division was reported destroyed on the Eastern Front months ago. So this unit must consist of zombies." Malar explained.

"Could it possibly be that the Germans reformed the division and kept the old name?" Tuka asked in a loud voice.

"That's ridiculous and would never happen. No, this is definitely zombies or some other form of the undead." Malar replied, the General Staff nodding along in agreement.

Malar says reinforced, but none of these new units are actually bothering to fight. Instead the HQs must continue to exchange sharp notes about logistics and stinging critiques of plans and staff work, until, finally, one side gives in and accepts the other HQ has produced the better battle plan for what would happen, if either of them actually had any troops. That is the way of HQ battles.​

As Tuka strained his vocal chords for the second time that day, Tiso congratulated himself on not hitting the hipflask too hard earlier, instead he had left a generous portion in anticipation of just such an eventuality. Smiling, he open the flask until things felt a bit better.

--
Notes:
Slovakia has almost completely run out of options on the army section of the Politics screen. All the Army, Staff and Air Force options are now Czech traitors or Malars. Hence the unnamed Staff Officer.

Nicolas Bodington was the head of F (France) Section of the SOE, went on many missions in person and was decorated many times. He also only had one 'd' in his name and never led any regular army units. Given his special forces background he does, obviously, have the engineer trait. All in all it's another triumph of Paradox 'research'.

 

[El Pip]

10th September

Having grown tied of Malar's increasingly strained acronyms, Tiso and Tuka have returned to the cabinet room where, for once, the Civil-Total Sub-War War War War War was not the most vital subject of debate. Tiso was looking over his, for want of a better word, cabinet in confusion.

"What is he doing?" Tiso whispered to Tuka, pointing at Foreign Minister Durcansky.

"I've no idea." Tuka replied.

As they watched, it became clear Durcansky was explaining to a confused General Malar the difference between being dead and being alive and why Zombies weren't medically possible.

"I'm glad he's doing that, someone needed to tell Malar, but why him?" Tiso asked.

Grasping the bull by the horns, Tuka risked his sanity by trying to find out the reason.

"Durcansky, why are you doing that?" He asked.

"I am Minister for Health, it's my job." A proud Durcansky stated.

T&T looked at each other in confusion before consulting Gejaz Fritz.

"You did appoint him Minister for Health back in 1938." Fritz confirmed.

"But then I moved him to the Foreign Ministry and tried to ignore him." Tiso explained.

"Indeed, but as you never appointed a new Health Minister he technically remains in his old job as well. Much like a Wool Felt blend underlay with homogenised tacker, he is stuck there until removed." Fritz explained, using the under-utilised method of a carpet bonding technology metaphor.

Slovakia has no medical or health technologies at all.This fact should surprise absolutely no-one.​

Tuka's contemplation on Slovakia's health policy, or lack of it, was interrupted by the meeting finally coming to order and the discussion of the first item on the agenda.

"Janko Jesenky has developed a proposal to revolutionise the Slovak Intelligence Services." Hans Not-A-German-Bernard announced.

There was a gasp from the assembled cabinet as they read the ambitious document.

To defeat the Panchen Lama
We must look beyond Bratislava
Our agents are bold
They just need more gold
Thus we see that that emergent causal power is dependent on transient norm circle organisation.

While Jesenky is to be applauded for finding a rhyme for Bratislava, one has to question whether his application of the principles of social constructionism to the ontology of critical realism is correct or if he has unwittingly committed a quasi-empirist heresy, one that can never reveal the true stratified nature of intransitive reality.​

It was Tuka who broke the stunned silence.

"Why are we concerned about defeating Llamas in the Pashtun? Can you even be at war with a type of camel?" He asked.

"And do you even get Llamas in the south Afghanistan mountains?" Tuka added.

The Pashtun Llama, the most fearsome fictional camelid to be found in the Hindu Kush. With their strict code of honour, justice and revenge they would probably be at war with T&T's Slovakia, if they actually existed.​

"I believe Jesenky was talking about the Panchen Lama, the second most senior of the Lamas who runs Tibet." Pruzinksy observed.

"But what does that have to do with anything at all?" Tiso asked in confusion.

--
Notes:
Is it a dramatic cliff hanger? Is it a tease to keep you all interested and desperate for the next update? Does this split just exist because the update was getting a bit long? Is it in-fact all of those things? Some of these questions and less might be answered next time we return to Bratislava!

Bonus Factual Notes:
Tiso was actually Minister for Health in various 1920s/30s Czechoslovak governments and did a tolerable job by all accounts, though he did keep getting annoyed at money being diverted from Slovak hospitals to those in Czech areas. He was probably going to be become a Clerico-fascist Slovak nationalist in any event, but that experience didn't help.

 

[El Pip]

10th September. Part II - This time it's Tibetan

We return to the cabinet where Tiso and Tuka are trying to get to the bottom of a Tibetan Mystery. Starting with why on earth they are even talking about Tibet.

"Does anyone know why our Jesenky is so obsessed with Tibet?" Tuka asked in desperation.

"We did catch one of their spies recently." Intelligence Minister Hans volunteered.

Working as a mountain farmer
Would have been better for his Karma
Instead we tracked him back
By the smell of his Yak
Thus demonstrating that the meta-theory of epistemological relativism is fundamentally flawed and will never reveal a truly causal ontology

Jesenky may have had his flaws as a poet, if anyone could ever actually decipher his verse, but it cannot be denied he was a very good spy catcher.​

"We think the spy was sent by the Panchen Lama." Hans explained.

"I thought the last Panchen Lama had died and they hadn't yet found his reincarnation." Durcansky asked.

Everyone would have been very impressed with this deep knowledge of Tibet, had Durcansky not been reading that out from his copy of "Big Book of Religious Leader Facts".

"That's just what they want you to think!" Hans replied triumphantly.


Meanwhile, in the Tibetan capital Lhasa, the shadowy cabal of Monks running the country had finished meditating on enlightenment and were holding a cabinet meeting.

"So our Slovak spy has been caught?" Regent Taktra Rinpoche asked.

"It appears so." Intelligence Monk Kundeling confirmed. "May he reincarnate somewhere honourable."

There was a moment of silence in the cabinet, broken by a mournful trumpet blast.

"We must redouble our efforts, much like the journey to enlightenment this path will be hard but must be walked." Taktra instructed.

"And we are sure the Dalai Lama approves of this?" Security Monk Tsepon Shakabpa asked.

"Absolutely." Taktra nodded.

There was a doubting pause as the assembled junior lamas and monks looked at their spiritual liege

Taktra interpreted the way he eats his rusk to show that he is an isolationist, while his choice of cuddly Yeti over cuddly Yak toy clearly demonstrated his pig headedness.​

"It's just that they seem very similar to us." Foreign Outreach Monk Tharchin asked.

"Think of your Karma! They are unenlightened people, far from Nirvana. They don't even drink tea with yak butter in it. They are nothing like us." Taktra exclaimed.

"Well like us they are a small land locked country, with no resources, industry or technology, they are big on traditional values, are led by a right wing religious leader and don't have any elections." Tharchin explained.

"Shut up." Taktra responded.

The Tibetan cabinet. Don't let the amusing hats fool you, their mix of backstabbing, corrupt terrorising can be fearsome to behold. Also fans of Furious Vengeance may recognise the Head of the Air Force. Bapa Yeshe was the Blind General who's single division of Tibetan peasants did more for the war effort than all US forces combined.​

We return to Bratislava where Tiso is trying to move the conversation on as his hipflask is getting worryingly low.

"This is all very well, but what does he actually want." Tiso aked.

"Basically, more money." Hans explained

Some would say that as a German puppet many years into a global war it's a bit late to worry about how major countries view Slovakia. They are of course wrong, just getting the major countries to be aware of Slovakia's existence would be a major achievement.​

"And if we do not carry out his recommended course of action, but instead pass up this opportunity?" Pruzinksy inquired while polishing his monocle.

"People will see us as marginally more neutral." Hans said in a shocked voice.

The awful, awful consequences of not expanding the Slovak Intelligence Networks. Almost too terrible to think about. Almost.​

"This is ridiculous, it would be a waste of money." Malar declared.

"I agree, I can't see the advantage of doing it." Durcansky added.

"Well I think we should do it immediately." Tuka countered. "A major intelligence coup is our only chance of being taken seriously."

"I am also in favour of this measure." Pruzinsky added, to general surprise.

"But surely you can see it's a waste of money." Malar argued.

"It undoubtedly is, but as we are running a healthy surplus and are banned from trading what else were we going to do with those funds?" Pruzinsky explained his position.

Tiso, weighing up the various compelling arguments, made his choice.

"Tell Jesenky he will get his funds." He decided. "It's not like it can possibly make things any worse."

--
Notes:
Random events, what would we do without them. I'll admit the idea of a multi-national Intelligence Network being started in late 1944 did seem an amazingly Slovak thing to do.

Very few of the Slovak high command made a run for the border with sacks full of cash. One of the few who did escape was Durcansky, but then he was sacked and banned from the government in 1940 so didn't actually have any cash to grab. He was still sentenced to death in his absence by a Slovak (Soviet) show trial, so he was wise to run.

The Toddler Tibetan leader is the 14th and current Dalai Lama, winner of the Noble Peace Prize and actually about 9yrs old in 1944. But a pig-headed isolationist toddler is, I feel, funnier.

Bonus screenshot;

Gelug-pa is the school of Tibetan Bhudism that the 14th Dalai Lama comes from. So, despite being famously non-violent and a committed Marxist in real life, Paradox have decided he's actually a soft fascist. Another triumph of research, care and attention to detail.

 

[El Pip]

13th September

Tiso and Tuka have arrived at the Slovak Underground Reinforced Redoubt for Embattled Nationalistic Dictators and Enabling Retainers for a briefing on the progress of the wars. Once they would have foolishly tried to work out the acronym for the new name for the HQ building, however bitter experience had taught them this was a bad idea. Alas they had not yet progressed to the next logical step in that chain of thought and questioned whether turning up at all was a good idea.

General Malar began the briefing by announcing there was dramatic news from the West

"There is dramatic news from the West." General Malar announced, determined to reclaim his over-literalness crown.

"Actual news from the Western Front?" Tiso asked.

"Further West!" Malar corrected.

"This isn't some ridiculous news from a country not actually fighting is it?" Tuka growled threateningly

"No." Malar said, in a hurt voice. "It's news from our valiant Ecuadorian co-combatants." He continued, passing around the briefing note.

In all fairness if the entire country, bar the capital, has been conquered by the enemy then a major worker strike is probably the least of your worries.​

Tuka considered shouting, but decided to save his vocal chords in case they were needed later.

Senior Unnamed Staff Officer defused the awkward silence by handing out the latest briefing note from the Sub- War Civil Total Sub. War. Total.

"Good work...." Tiso paused so the officer could fill the gap.

"Senior Unnamed Staff Officer." The officer promptly replied.

"No your name, not your rank." Tuka explained.

"That is my name." The fellow explained.

"Due to being in two wars we've rationed officers names. Only those who excel through excellence and devotion will be able to earn them back." Malar explained.

Unable to contain himself any longer, Tuka opened his lungs and began screaming, while Tiso stared at the briefing note as he tried to resist the lure of the hipflask.

Malar (Augstin Flavour) has been reinforced with actual tanks from the famous heroes of the 23rd Panzer Division (Unit nickname - "Who? Are you sure this isn't a mistake?"). More importantly the 9th Unpronounceable Collection of Random Letters Divisions have joined the fight, though whether out of fear of the zombies of the 72nd Undead Division or shame at being out-fought by the Slovak HQ is not clear.​

Tiso struggled to understand the note. It appeared to be... good news... light at the end of the tunnel. A portent of final victory over the Czechs.

"This is great news Malar!" Tiso announced. "It calls for a celebration."

A great calm spread through Tiso as he reached for his hipflask in triumph for the first earned drink in far too long.

--
Notes:
It's back! Sorry for the lack of replies in the standard place, but the top of the page called to me and tradition must be honoured. Replies below

Ecuador has lasted an impressively long time, the few HQs and divisions holed up in the capital are resisting the massed might of South and Latin America. Will Slovakia last so long? I think we all know the answer to that one.


Nathan Madien - The bad research is par for the course, the gangster traits are unusual. Someone in Paradox not a fan of Tibet or Buddhists or both?

megaspider01 - That;s amazing. Is one of the pre-requite tasks for that unifying the country under T&T's rule?

Athalcor / TheButterflyComposer - A truly imposing structure and the entirely correct response.

 

[El Pip]

14th September

We return to the Presidential palace in Bratislava where, despite it being the early hours, Tiso and Tuka are having a heated discussion.

"This is is an awful plan. It is in fact intolerable." Tiso declared.

"It's a perfectly reasonable proposal that is in the best interests of the country." Tuka explained.

"It will lead to disaster and I refuse to consider it further!" Tiso said.

There was a tense stand off. The two men stared at each other, unwilling to back down over this vital issue.

"Very well, I'll go back in the top bunk." Tuka gave in, defeated.

Barely had that issue been settled than there was a gentle knock at the door.

"You'd better get that. If I'd been in the bottom bunk I'd have got it. But I'm stuck up here, so I can't." Tuka said petulantly.

Muttering under his breath, Tiso answered the door.

"Dramatic news from the Western Front." Messenger Umlaut announced.

Truly an amazing victory against the odds for General Juranec and the Slovak Army. Some might say that being on the defensive with a three to one advantage means you'd have to be an incredible fool not to win. That is the point and why the Slovak victory is so unexpected.​

As Tiso and Tuka digested this incredible news, the messenger attempted to sneak out of the room.

"Why aren't you celebrating this victory?" Tiso asked.

"I didn't..." Umlaut started.

"Only a Czech traitor wouldn't." Tuka declared.

The messenger mumbled incoherently

"And you didn't spit on the floor in disgust." Tuka shouted in rage.

"But you imprisoned the last messenger for speaking, so I didn't want to say anything in case you did the same to me." Umlaut tried to defend himself.

"That's no excuse, Guards!" Tiso summoned the Hlinka Guard to drag the messenger away to the pit.

"If you don't keep up standards, how will they ever learn?" Tuka asked rhetorically.

Later that day, Tiso and Tuka are trying to hold a cabinet meeting to manage the Home Front. Suddenly the door is kicked in and Messenger 13 appears holding aloft a scroll. He hands it to Tiso and departs as suddenly as he arrived.

"That must be important, you don't see the forbidden messenger for just normal news." Tuka observed.

"Indeed." Tiso agreed, opening the message.

Final Victory! Just ignore the green Hungarian colour, it's probably not significant.​

"Gentlemen, we have returned to Zlate Moravce and destroyed the Czech HQ." Tiso declared.

The room erupted into cheers and Tiso put aside his hipflask and reached for the whole bottle. Tonight Slovakia celebrated!


15th September
The hungover mess that was the Slovak Cabinet Meeting Room. Tiso and Tuka have not yet read the message that has been left on the desk for them, the messenger having fled in terror. But they will soon.

In a final act of defiance, the Czechs chose to fail to surrender to the Hungarians. This was considered a good enough justification for the Hungarians to carry on occupying the region for 'security' reasons.​

Tuka's roar of rage and anger is loud, almost so loud that even in exile in London, General Viest imagines he can hear it.

---
Notes:
And thus ends the fighting part of the Slovak National Uprising, it flicked briefly, almost a month shorter than OTL, and involved much more Hungarians. Still managed the same level of Soviet involvement (bugger all).

Screenshot is not a temporary issue that soon got fixed, Paradox decided that Hungary would get to keep those two bits of Slovakia and didn't have to hand them back. As you may have suspected, this will not be the last we hear about that issue.

 

[El Pip]

17th September

Having taken a couple of days off to recover from the the crushing news that Hungary wasn't going to give back the bit of Slovakia that it had acquired, Tiso & Tuka had summoned the willpower to summon the cabinet.

"Any urgent news that we must deal with first?" Tiso asked.

Silence.

Tiso turned and glared at his Minster for Fire, Industry, Smoke and Easily Preventable Fatalities.

"So the fact we've completely run out of fuel isn't important?" He queried Pruzinsky.

"Well we emptied our crude stockpiles and have no oil reserves, so it was always going to happen."

Keen readers may remember the Slovak Metal Drive from many updates back, ensuring Slovakia will never run out of the resources it was never in any danger of running out of. Don't let those industry figures fool you, this is just a rare day when the country has enough energy to run flat out, it'll be back in the red soon enough.​

Tuka start to twitch.

"I did warn you a few months ago we were going to run out of everything." Pruzinksy reminded his leaders.

"Can we convert coal into crude?" Tiso asked.

"In theory."

"But?" Tiso was getting the hang of how Slovakia worked. There was always a but.

"We haven't got enough coal to run our industry as it is, we don't have much industry to support large scale conversion and while we have knowledge of the estimable Mr Bergius' process, it is horribly inefficient. So in practice, no." Pruzinsky explained.

With visible effort Tuka contained himself to merely loudly asking

"But surely the fact we have no fuel is a problem!" He exclaimed.

"Is it?" Pruzinsky asked. "I didn't think we actually used any fuel."

Everyone turned to look at Malar.

"We aren't using any fuel. Not since we lost our only Armoured Car brigade in Italy." Malar confirmed, holding back a sob at his lost armoured cars.

The entire Slovak armed forces. Many words could be used to describe it, but not fuel hungry.​

"So who is using all our fuel?" Tiso asked.

There was an embarrassed cough from the Intelligence Minister.

"It's possible Germany has been stealing it all for their own use." Hans Not-A-German admitted.


Meanwhile, in the UK, the finest Allied minds are discussing progress towards their latest war winning plan.

"So how goes that big Dutch airborne invasion plan of yours?" Eisenhower asked. "Operation Bazaar Greenhouse?"

"Market Garden." Montgomery corrected. "Not great I'm afraid."

"Too much opposition? Can't get the support up fast enough? Just too ambitious?" Eisenhower queried.

"None of that." Monty bristled. "It was a wonderful plan, we just can't find the paratroopers, they've gone missing."

The allied parachute divisions start the scenario in 1st Airborne Corps. Now it's an impressively diverse collection of random allied units.​

"So we're cancelling and going back to driving through France?" Patton asked, walking towards the door.

"No." Alanbrooke interrupted. "We've gone for Plan B."

Invading Yugoslavia with a single division of the French Foreign Legion. It's a bold plan. And is it actually worse than Market Garden? I mean at least they captured a port up front.​

--
Notes:
17th September, 1944, Operation Market Garden was launched. The AI did indeed lose all the Allied paras, god knows where and did decide to launch a cunning flank attack on German occupied Yugoslavia.

Slovakia continues to run out of everything.