Inevitable Defeat - Slovakia '44

[El Pip]

21st June 1944

Tiso and Tuka looked up at the imposing bulk of the Foreign Office, their first port of call.

"Why are we starting here Tiso?" Tuka asked.

"I don't really know. I just have this feeling that Diplomacy is the first thing we should look at, that it is the logical place to start our review." Tiso replied.

"That sounds an excellent reason! It's not like there is anything more urgent or important to look at first." Tuka said. He attempted to carry on but was interrupted by the on-rushing Foreign Minister.

"Welcome, welcome. You are here for the things-you-should-already-know briefing I take it?" Ferdinand Durcansky said. Seeing their nods, he led Tiso and Tuka towards his office. When he arrived he pointed at the large map on the wall.

"As you can only our fellow Axis members like us, and even then apart from Germany most of them aren't really that keen on us. Beyond them almost everyone else either hates us or is utterly indifferent to us." Durcansky was interrupted by an aide sprinting in with urgent news!

"Good news, we have gained an ally in our fight against the decadent West and dastardly Bolsheviks!" Durcansky said.

Tiso thought quickly about who was left in the unaligned world. "Turkey? Nationalist Spain?"

Tuka began wildly speculating. "Perhaps one of the Allies has seen our common enemy is the Soviets and defected to our cause!"

"Actually its Japan's puppet Mengkukuo, they've finally joined the war."

The vital telegram, showing that Japan's control of her puppets was poor to say the least. Though looking at the odds you can see why Mengkukuo was reluctant.​

As is often the case, the mysteries of the East left the Westerners speechless.

 

[El Pip]

21st June 1944

Recovering from the shock, Tiso continues looking around the Foreign Minister's office.

"What's that big red number 13 on the wall beneath the Hammer and Sickle?" Tiso asked.

"That's our threat-ometer, it puts a numerical value on our biggest threat. As you can see we believe the Soviets are that much of a threat to us." Durcansky proudly announced

"So the Soviets are a threat of 13 out of 10, I think that's a good reflection of the extreme danger they present." Tuka said

"Uhh. No, actually we think the threat-ometer probably goes up well into the hundreds."

"Tell me, given the Soviet Army is on the Hungarian border and has just entered Romania, how much more threatening can they realistically get?" Tisa asked.

Durcansky was saved from struggling for an answer by an aide rushing in with more telegrams.

Being an Eastern European country the news from the Soviet front was obviously much fresher than that from the West.​

As Durcansky announced the breaking news, Tiso and Tuka could merely look on in wonder at the startling efficiency of the Slovak Foreign Ministry and it's up to the minute grasp of foreign affairs.

 

[El Pip]

21st June 1944

Leaving the Foreign Ministry Tiso and Tuka were discussing the need for a new Foreign Minister, until Tiso noticed Tuka fiddling around under his cloak.

"What are you doing Tuka?" He asked.

"Nothing!" Tiso replied hurridedly, pushing his scabbard out of sight.

"I've warned you before about that, it just un-nerves people." Tiso said sternly. Changing the subject he asked "Where to tomorrow?"

"The Ministry of Production, to review raw materials, industry and so on." Tuka said, Tiso nodding along. "Oh and that is also where we keep the General Staff's list of needed troops, so we'll be looking at that as well." Tuka finished.

"What on earth is that doing there? Shouldn't that be in the War Ministry or somewhere?" Tiso asked.

"Apparently not." Tuka said.

Their confusion was interrupted by a runner with a vital message!

If you wish to annoy Tojo, or any other leading Japanese general, merely play 'Master of Puppets' at them loudly. The mocking irony makes them weep bitter, bitter tears.​

"I didn't know I was a Generalissimus." Tiso says in surprise.

"Well you are now." Tuka confirms.

"I will have to buy some sunglasses and put some more medals on my uniform." Tiso says. "Then get some giant cigars."

"It's important to keep up standards." Tuka agrees.

 

[El Pip]

22nd June 1944

The Ministry of Production was a vast be-chimneyed edifice, a towering monument to smoke, fire and steam.

Tiso and Tuka study the building intently, Tiso finally breaks the silence.

"It is very impressive, but I don't think I've seen anything actually being produced or even worked on."

Their musing is interrupted by the arrival of the Armaments Minister Mikulas Pruzinsky, a bewitchingly dressed fellow in monocle, top hat and tails, all set off with a white lab coat.

"You've arrived, excellent. Let me show you round!" Pruzinsky boomed. "We've so much to show you, some of the best technology in the world can be found here. We have several of Mister Bessemer's converters, we have knowledge of the inestimable Mister Hancock's vulcanized rubber and from our brand new coal coking facilities we anticipate a superior supply of coal-gas." Pruzinsky said, smiling proudly.

"Forgive me for saying minister, but that all sounds somewhat outdated technology." Tiso ventured.

"Outdated?! This is the flower of late 40s technology." Pruzinsky retorted.

"Really? Are you sure?" Tiso asked.

"Of course! Why these technologies should see Slovakia remain on the cutting edge well into the second half of the 19th century!" Pruzinksy exclaimed.

Such technology as even Brunel and Stevenson would be proud of!​

Tiso made a mental note to ask the Ministry of Technology why Slovakian industry, instead of being in the 1940s, appeared to be stuck in the 1840s and, more importantly, why they hadn't noticed.

 

[El Pip]

22nd June 1944

Turning to the vast blackboards that dominated Pruzinsky's office, Tiso noted some urgent looking red chalk.

The chalk version was far more urgent, trust us on this.​

"Is that really saying we will be out of fuel in a week and all our coal reserves in less than a month?" Tiso asked in alarm.

"Yes." Pruzinsky confirmed. "And as were running considerable deficits of every sort of resource, it's only those reserves that are keeping our factories busy."

"Well what is the plan to deal with this crisis?" Tiso askd.

"We have plans to produce more fuel, but that will mean burning through our oil reserves and we've only got 36 days of that left as it is. But it is at least a temporary fix."

"And what about the energy crisis?" Tuka asked.

"Well we're not worried about that at all actually." Pruzinsky said.

"Why not?" Tuka demanded.

"Well we've no idea how to solve it and even if we could we've only got 40 days of rare materials left. And even if we find alternative sources for both energy and rares we've got less than 100 days of metals left."

"So resource wise, we're in serious trouble." Tiso concluded.

"Yes. Basically we're going to run out of everything, there's nothing useful we can do about it, so why worry about which exactly we run out of first?" Pruzinsky said.

 

[El Pip]

22nd June 1944

Tiso and Tuka have produced a cunning plan to solve the resources crisis! They leave the Ministry of Production and run back to the Foreign Ministry, dragging Pruzinsky along wit them. They arrive in Durcansky office, Tiso is first to speak;

"Durcansky, could we trade military supplies for raw materials from our fellow Axis members." Tiso asked.

"So we sell supplies, to buy materials, to fuel the industry, to make supplies?" Durcansky asks.

"Yes... but with some careful trading I believe we may be able to break even, perhaps turn a profit. Pruzinsk thinks aloud.

"But can we do it?" Tiso asked hopefully, seeing a dim light at the end of the Slovakian resource tunnel.

Durcansky sadly shakes his head and points at a large note on one of his walls.

Sadly for Slovakia, Germany kept far better control of her puppets than Japan. Not only was Slovakia not allowed to trade with the rest of the Axis, she wasn't even allowed to trade with Germany.​

"We're not allowed out on the markets on our own. Instead we must wait for Germany to tell us what trades she wants to make." Durcansky said, explaining that the light in the tunnel was just the oncoming train of German control.

 

[El Pip]

23rd June 1944

Leaving the whole issue of resources behind, Tuka and Tiso returned to the Ministry of Production to discuss the demands of the General Staff. Pruzinksy handed over the latest estimate.

A balanced request, a couple of thousand brigades but only four air wings. The Slovakian General Staff had heard of air-ground co-operation but thought it was a rubbish idea.​

"2000 brigades! That's six million men! Do we even have that many people in the country?" Tiso exploded.

"I've no idea." Pruzinksy admitted. "We still haven't finished counting the census." He explained, gesturing to one of the corners of the building. "It's taking ages to count all those forms by hand."

"What you need is some kind of machine for tabulating censuses." Tiso opined. Privately he wondered if turning down the smoke and fire production might let people work faster. Or at least cut down on the number of fatal industrial accidents involving giant cog wheels and gouts of flame.

"I have heard great things about a difference engine produced by an Britisher named Mr Babbage, but I fear it's advanced principles may be beyond us." Pruzinksy lamented.

It's a sad sight - Slovakia lacked the technology to even know they lacked the technology to make Census Tabulation Machines. Enough to depress even Pruzinksy.​

 

[El Pip]

23rd June 1944

As Tiso and Tuka consider the inherent beauty of a fully operational difference engine, their reverie is interrupted by Pruzinsky.

"Yes if we had such a device we could perhaps recapture the lost knowledge of the ancients; so much has been forgotten, perhaps never to be re-learnt."

"Such as?" Tuka asked.

"Don't be silly, we're hardly going to know what it is if it's forgotten?" Tiso chided him.

"Not quite Mr President, snatches of knowledge have survived. Hints such as the General Staff's request for In-phant-rye." Pruzinksy replied, mangling the pronunciation terribly."

"Infantry?"

Infant-trees, apparently an ingenious way of organising your fighting men. Slovakia has no idea how you do that. Indeed Slovakia has no idea what you need to know in order to be sure you know nothing about it.​

"Yes them, Infant-trees. It's a way of equipping men with weapons that is far more effective than anything we can create. Like cavalry without the horses or militia with better weapons and training. Truly they are fearsome to behold!" Pruzinsky said.

"Are fearsome? Don't you mean would be fearsome?" Tiso asked, mistakenly getting caught up in the madness.

"No definitely are. Our current infantry divisions are very impressive, if only we had any idea how to create any more of them."

Lost relics of the glorious past. Well the past anyway. Best not to mention the armoured car brigade, that would be even more confusing for the poor Ministry of Production.​

 

[El Pip]

23rd June 1944

Tiso and Tuka decided it's best to leave, but sadly Tiso's politeness made him ask if there is anything else before they go.

"Actually there is one thing you could help with." Pruzinksy replied.

"What's that?" Tiso asked as Tuka cursed him under his breath.

"It's this part of the report from the General Staff where they are asking for three squadrons of 'tactical bombers', we're not really sure what on earth they are talking about."

Seeing the blank look on Tiso's face, the Minister continued.

"Tactical we are taking to mean shorter ranged and applicable to the battlefield and of course we understand squadron from the cavalry and so on. We're just not sure about what they mean by 'bombers', we think it must be referring to the use of hand grenades like a traditional grenadier unit. Thus we think the army is asking for a squadron of tall, strong men mounted on horseback and armed with short ranged grenades, but could you just check."

Tiso and Tuka were left open mouthed at the shear lateral thinking genius of their Armaments Minister. Tiso was the first to recover and break the silence.

"Do you not think it could perhaps be referring to aircraft, a squadron of medium range bomber aircraft?"

"Military flying machines?!" Pruzinksy retorted. "What a ridiculous idea, those Montgolfier brothers are mere frauds and charlatans, there can be no military applications for their balloons!"

One engine or two it makes no difference, Slovakia doesn't understand either.​

 

[El Pip]

24th June 1944

Having taken a day off to recover from their exposure to Pruzinksy, Tiso and Tuka are discussing their plans.

"The next step is the Ministry of Technology, hopefully we can get to the bottom of why our scientists and engineers stopped learning when Queen Victoria died." Tuka said.

"No, I think there is something more important we must do first." Tiso replied. "We have to go and speak to the military, if they think we need six million men to defend ourselves the problems must be very serious indeed."

Tiso and Tuka entered the Ministry of Defence and started to look around.

"You know this room only looks about 70% full, do you think that's significant in some way?" Tiso asked.

"Unlikely." Tuka said.

Tuka may have been unintentionally correct. Given the technology, manpower and doctrines available, what difference a complete officer corps would have made is not exactly clear.​

General Gustav Malar, Chief of the General Staff, approached.

"Mr President, welcome to the ministry You are here for the service by service review?"

"Service by service!" Tuka exploded. "We're a land locked country and our best scientists think manned flight is a flash in the pan! We're not going to have any other services apart from the Army are we?"

"You would think so wouldn't you?" Malar replied.

 

[El Pip]

24th June

Having decided to leave the service by service review until Tuka calmed down, Tiso and Tuka instructed the General Staff to give them a high level briefing on Slovakia's situation.

"Why are we on the roof again?" Tiso asked.

"I've no idea." Tuka replied.

The men looked out from the rooftop at the incredible vista. The Ministry of Defence in Bratislava was the tallest building in Slovakia, towering almost 10m above ground level. From that incredible height the men could see a short distance down the dirt track that lead to Vienna.

"We really need to speak to someone about developing a better alternative to muddy roads." Tiso said.

Progress! At least here Slovakia knows the technology they don't know, instead of not even knowing what they don't know. Pruzinsky's team was particularly pleased when they worked this one out.​

General Malar's head poked out of the ladder leading to the roof, followed shortly by the rest of him.

"General why did you ask us onto the roof for this briefing?" Tiso asked.

"It was on your instruction Mr President." Malar replied in confusion. "You asked for a high level briefing and you can't get higher than up here on the roof."

Tiso was too depressed even to sigh.

 

[El Pip]

24th June

As Tiso took a quick break for a stiff drink, it was left to Tuka to tell the general exactly what it was they actually wanted. After he had finished shouting, Tuka explained.

"We want a high level briefing as in a general overview. A simple explanation of the current situation in the war without any unnecessary details." Tuka said.

"Ah, you'll be wanting our strategic situation report then." Malar replied, handing over a single sheet of paper.

Tuka read the document. It didn't take long

"What on earth is this?" Tuka asked.

"It's a concise analysis of our military situation." Malar explained.

"There's nothing on this paper apart from one very rude word!" Tuka yelled.

"Yes, the General Staff feels that adequately sums up our military situation." Malar said.

Tuka briefly considered joining Tiso for a drink, but decided to fight on.

"We were looking for a slightly more detailed explanation than that. We were also expecting something with maps so we could see what the situation is." Tuka said, taking no chances.

"Oh you wanted to review the big picture? Why did you just say?" Malar said.

Barely resisting the urge to throttle the general, Tuka followed him into the map room of the Ministry.

"Here you go Prime Minister, the big picture." Malar said, gesturing at one of the walls.

The Slovakian General Staff's 'Big Picture'. Best we don't mention this to Tiso, I'm not sure he'd cope.​

 

[El Pip]

24th June

After another therapeutic shout at the Chief of the General Staff, Tuka was joined by a refreshed Tiso.

"Let us try again general." Tuka tried to be as clear as possible. "Could we review a smaller picture, one more relevant to Slovakia?"

Malar, wishing his civilians superiors would just make their minds up, directed them towards another wall of the map room.

The smaller picture, General Malar bows to no man when it comes to being depressingly literal.​

Tiso and Tuka studied the map.

"Do you know what I think is most alarming General." Tiso said finally

"The thought of the one million men and 2000 tanks of the 1st Ukrainian Front racing west to crush us?"

"That is terrifying, but no." Tiso said.

"The rapid progress of the landings on the French coast and the possibility of the 21st Army Group racing across Europe to crush us?"

"The Allied landings have done worryingly well, but they're still a long way away from us, so it's not that." Tiso said.

"The possibility of the Americans replacing General Clark and the Allied Armies in Italy, freed from that handicap, subsequently racing across the Alps to crush us?" Malar guessed.

"No, not that either." Tiso said, looking longingly at the drinks cabinet in the corner.

"Well what then?" Malar asked.

"The fact that the Armies General Staff think that the only objective of the Soviet, British and American armies invading Europe is to crush Slovakia!"

There was a long pause.

"So you are suggesting that the Allies are not engaged in a vital Race to Bratislva?" Malar tried to hide it, but he was clearly crushed at the mere thought.

 

[El Pip]

25th June

After comforting the sobbing General Malar, a man unable to cope with the idea of Slovakia not being the centre of global strategic thinking, Tiso and Tuka gave him a day to recover. They returned on the 25th to discuss grand strategy.

"So General what is the plan to deal with these threats?" Tiso asked.

"Well Mr President we have identified three options." There was a long pause as Malar entirely failed to continue the sentence.

"And those options are?" Tuka prompted.

"Options R, F and I" Malar replied.

Tuka paused to curse Malar's literalness.

"Please explain the outline, advantages and disadvantages of the three options." Tuka said patiently.

Malar shuffled around the map table and produced the operations plan. To everyone's great relief he handed over the briefing to the Army Chief Ferdinand Catlos

The Slovak General Staff's map of many options, General Malar's happy place where Slovakia is still the centre of the world.​

"Plan R stands for 'Return to the East', in this we send the Slovak Combat Group back to bolster the Eastern Front, with the aim of defeating the Soviet hordes and driving them back to Moscow. The advantages are that the Eastern Front is the nearest threat. The disadvantages is that there are millions of men and thousand of tanks fighting it out and we don't think our two divisions will make that much of a difference." Catlos said.

"Plan F stands for 'Fight them on the beaches', we send the men to France to defeat the Allied beachhead and drive them back into the sea. With the third front destroyed Germany will then be able to focus her efforts on defeating the Soviet menace. The advantage is that we think our forces could actually make a difference as the numbers involved are smaller. The disadvantage is that it's a long way away and the issue will probably be decided one way or the other before we get there." Catlos continued.

Tuka interrupted.

"I presume Plan I is 'Invade Italy', retake Rome and drive the Allies out of Italy?" He said.

"No, Plan I actually stand for 'In the Middle', though coincidentally it does involve invading Italy. The advantage is that it's nearby and we can make a difference. The disadvantage is that we don't think it matters, we believe the Italian Front is far less important than the East or West." Catlos said. "That was quite a lucky guess you made to pick Italy though."

"Lucky guess?!" Tuka shouted. "It was obvious!"

"What? How?" Catlos panicked. "We used the latest German techniques to pick these code names and code letters, we were told it would be impossible for anyone to break them!"

Tiso thanked his foresight at bringing a hip flask to the meeting, he found it a great comfort.


---

Last update before Christmas, so there will be a short break over the next few days. In the meantime I present an old El Pip AAR tradition - the reader vote. Slovakia needs to know what to do next, which of the cunning plans to follow and needs someone to make that decision for them. To recap your choices are;

• Plan R
• Plan F
• Plan I
• Something Else

In the finest traditions this vote is under Florida Rules, so vote early and vote often, and should you pick the 'something else' category be sure and say what the something else is or the vote will not count. Polls will remain open until sometime on the 1st Jan 2012, following which the divisions will march to war. (Assuming 'something else' isn't disband, march to Denmark or something similar).

 

[El Pip]

25th June

Still mulling grand strategy Tiso and Tuka are continuing their review of the Slovak Armed Forces.

"Well lets get this farce over and done with." Tuka said, still not in the best of moods at the mere idea of a service by service review. Any further ranting was interrupted by the arrival of General Jozef Turanec.

"The Hero General Turanec, victorious leader of the legendary Slovak Fast Division!" Tuka exclaimed.

"Well it's obvious what service you are here to represent, so what is the state of the Army?" Tiso asked.

"I'm not actually here for that." Turanec admitted.

Tiso and Tuka looked confused, then Tuka had an idea.

"So you here from the air force? After your close work with the German 17th Army you have returned to Bratislava to spread the gospel of close air support and air-army co-operation?"

"I'm not here for that either." Turanec had the decency to look somewhat embarrassed.

"Not?!"

"Yes, I'm afraid so." Turanec said.

"But why? Why is one of the few non-German holders of the Knight's Cross of the Iron Cross wasting his time being Chief of the Navy when we haven't even got a coastline let along a navy?" Tuka cried.

"No idea." Turanec said. "I just replied to an advert in the Daily Puppet offering the chance to 'Earn thousands of Koruna in your spare time', so I sent off an application form and got the job."

"So you're saying our Chief of the Navy only works part time?" Tiso asked.

"Yes, mainly evenings and weekends. The rest of the time I'm still head of the Slovak Combat Group." Turanec confirmed.

A rare display of Slovakian common sense, it's not like they need a full time Chief of the Navy anyway.​

 

[El Pip]

25th June

Tiso and Tuka are discussing the deepening mystery of the Chief of the Navy with the General Malar. Starting with why he's only part time, the question of why a landlocked country has a Chief of the Navy being too painful to even think about.

"Not that I doubt General Turanec's qualities, but shouldn't be be devoting all his efforts to his army duties?" Tiso asked.

"Ordinarily I'd agree, but he was by far the outstanding candidate so we felt we had to appoint him." Malar replied.

"But why? What was so wrong with the other candidates?" Tuka asked.

"Allow me to demonstrate." Malar said, despatching an aide to bring in the other candidate.

Shortly afterwards Jozef Hora walked into the room.

"There must be some mistake, that's the poet Jozef Hora." Tuka exclaimed. "He's completely unqualified."

"And he's Czech." Tiso added.

The assembled men spat on the floor in disgust at the mere thought.

Malar nodded and then said "It gets worse."

"It gets worse?! He's a communist poet famous for writing anti-fascist tracts! How on earth could he be less qualified to be the Chief of the Navy for a right wing autocracy?" Tuka screamed.

"I'll show you." Malar said. Turning to Hora he asked. "So if you were chief of the navy what would be your plans?"

Hora looked up keenly and began outlining detailed schemes for a vast Slovak battefleet that would seek a Mahanian decisive battle to destroy it's enemies.

Malar turned back to Tiso and Tuka and said. "You see it does get worse, he's also an idiot."

Hora's skills could apparently have helped Slovkia retain it's knowledge of capital ship construction, if only it had knowledge of such things in the first place. ​

Considering the history of the Slovak General Staff Tiso felt this was a bit rich. Turning to General Turanec he asked. "So what is your naval policy?"

"To promote a doctrine of Open Seas." Turanec replied promptly.

"So that's a policy of developing and constructing destroyers to keep open our non-existent sea lanes of communication then?" Tuka asked sarcastically.

Turanec looked offended. "Of course not, that would just be silly. Open Seas is the codename for the long term plan of declaring war on Hungary and Romania and annexing both of them to Greater Slovakia, in order to 'open' a land corridor to the 'seas'."

Both Tiso and Tuka wondered if all the decorations and medals might have gone to Turanec's head.

---
Bonus Footnote - According to the internet Jozef Hora was indeed a Czech communist poet.

 

[El Pip]

25th June

Having left the megalomaniac general Turanec to his schemes for annexing the Black Sea coast, Tiso and Tuka attempted to continue with the service by service review. General Malar was explaining why they, in fact, couldn't.

"I'm afraid the Chief of the Air Force is unavailable." He said.

"Unavailable? Why? What's more important than briefing the government?" Tuka shouted.

"We'll its rather embarrassing but we appear to have misplaced the air force."

"Sorry, did you say 'Misplaced'?" Tiso asked.

"Yes, we did have one but now we can't find it."

Tiso fought bravely to resist the call of the drinks cabinet, while Tuka handled the yelling and shouting part of the government's official reaction. As the noise died down he re-entered the conversation.

"I'm not sure which is more surprising, that we had an air force or that we managed to lose it." He said, pausing to consider his own question. "On balance I'd say it's having an air force at all that surprises me most, the fact we lost it seems about par for the course."

Tuka nodded in agreement. "How did we even get an air force given our best scientists and engineers all think building armed flying machines is impossible?" He asked.

General Malar looked relieved, this was a question he could answer!

"We got given it by the Germans, a fine fleet of aircraft to serve on the Eastern Front!" He said proudly.

"Given? Our German puppet masters actually gave us something?" Tiso questioned.

"OK we might technically have brought them back in 1942, but 0% deposit and five years interest free credit is basically giving them away." Malar admitted.

Tuka considered replying to correct Malar, but from all he had seen there was almost no chance of either Slovakia or Germany still existing in 1947, so any future repayments were of purely academic interest. Malar continued.

"I do hope we find the air force soon. Thus far we've managed to avoid being bombed by the Allies, but once they find out our 109 are gone they'll be back to level Bratislava! Without that squadron we are defenceless!" Malar warned.

Tiso and Tuka wondered, was Malar's continuing delusion about Slovakia's global importance more or less of a flaw than his belief that a single squadron of fairly obsolete Messerschmitts was enough to deter the might of RAF Bomber Command and the US 8th Air Force?

--
Bonus Fact - By mid 1944 Slovakia did have a squadron of old Bf-109Es and even a few newer 109Gs to show off with, they even had some pilots and mechanics to go with them. Sadly these planes didn't make it into HOI3 for some reason, leaving Malar confused and slightly embarrassed and Slovakia air force less.

 

[El Pip]

25th June

Tiso and Tuka are, sadly for them, still discussing the air force with General Malar.

"So when will the Chief of the Air Force return from looking for the Air Force?" Tiso asked.

"Return?" Malar questioned.

"You said he was unavailable. We want to know when he will be available." Tiso said slowly, leaving Tuka to fume internally.

"No idea." Malar said.

At this Tuka's self control, which had been kept his rage rage in check for several minutes, burst under the strain.

"How can you not know when the Chief of the Air Force will be back? It's not like you can lose him..." Tuka's rant trailed of as a horrible thought hit him. "You haven't have you? HAVEN'T YOU!!?" He screamed as his rage returned.

Malar looked somewhat bashful and admitted that, yes they had in fact also lost the Chief of the Air Force.

"We've looked everywhere, including down the back of the sofa, but we cannot find 'Anton Pulanick' anywhere." Malar confessed.

"What about him overthere?" Tiso asked, pointing at one of the General Staff Officers wearing a pair of flying goggles and a long wavy white scarf.

"Oh no sir." Malar said. "That's Anton Pulanich, who is a completely different officer in every-way."

At this Tiso gave in and cracked open his hip flask, leaving Tuka to carry out the necessary ranting.

--
Bonus Fact - The actual one-time head of the Slovak Air Force was indeed Anton Pulanich, however he has been misspelt as Pulanick since HOI2.

 

[El Pip]

25th June

Tiso and Tuka are discussing the issues around the Chief of the Slovak Air Force. Well Tuka is shouting at General Malar about it and Tiso is wondering why he bothered becoming President in the first place. However as the volume from his excitable deputy subsided he returned to the conversation.

"So General with the Chief of the Air Force 'missing' who are you going to appoint in his place?" Tiso asked.

Malar, ears ringing from the clang as the quote marks dropped into place around missing, proffered up the file showing the options;

Some would say this is an entirely pointless choice for a country that has lost it's only aircraft and who's chief scientists doesn't believe in heavier-than-air flight. They're probably right.​

"So what you are saying is that, in the opinion of the General Staff, the only alternative to the 'missing' Pulanick is Fritz Gejaz." Tiso said.

"Indeed." Malar confirmed.

"Just one small question General - Who is Fritz Gejaz?" Tiso asked.

"Don't you know Mr President?" Malar asked in alarmed confusion. "You should! He's Minister for Justice, member of the Council of State and Chairman of the Supreme Constitutional Court of State!"

At this Tuka took a longing look at Tiso's hip flask, to which Tiso gently, but firmly, shook his head.

"No general you are thinking of Gejaz Fritz." Tiso said, noticing a distinct pattern emerging. "That does however raise the far more important question of why on earth did you think the Minister for Justice would make a good Chief of the Air Force?"

"He has some very strong views on carpet bombing." Malar explained.

"No he doesn't. Gejaz Fritz has very strong view on carpet bonding - he's sick of the way the carpets in the Ministry of Justice don't stick to the floorboards properly." Tiso replied.

"Oh." Malar said.

--
Bonus Fact - Fritz Gejaz doesn't seem to have existed, certainly he was never head of the Slovak Air Force. Gejaz Fritz however did exist and did have all those grand sounding jobs, none of which were even slightly military. His views on carpet adhesive however are less clear.

 

[El Pip]

25th June

Tiso and Tuka have managed to get past the issue of the missing Chief of the Air Force, mainly by teaching the General Staff to correctly spell the names of their own officers. However the mysteriously missing Slovakian air force problem remained.

"Given the risks I must warn you Mr President, don't tell anyone we can't find the air force." Malar begged.

"In case news leaks to the Allies?" Tiso asked.

"In case news leaks to the Germans and they want paying early because we've lost the planes." Malar replied. "So tell no-one, especially not anyone in the Intelligence service."

"But surely our own intelligence services are the best people to help look for the lost aircraft?" Tiso asked.

"Ordinarily so, but we have... doubts about the head of Slovak Intelligence." Malar said cautiously.

At this stage Tiso was beginning to have doubts if anyone in the Slovak government was intelligent, but he played along. Keen for any excuse to escape the military briefing he decided to investigate the intelligence services.

As the Tiso, Tuka and Malar trio wait for the man in question to arrive, Tiso asked Malar for some details on these dot dot dot doubts.

"Frankly Mr President we think he is a German spy." Malar said. He started to explain, but hurriedly shut up as the man in question entered the room.

Tiso briefly considered being subtle, but one look at his Head of Intelligence made him decide to go for the direct option.

"So Mr Bernard, you are a German agent sent to spy on the Slovak government." Tiso said.

Hans Bernard considered denying it, but seeing the certainty in their faces realised the game was up.

Hans Not-A-German Bernard, distinguished graduate of the finest Abwher spy schools. The poor man never stood a chance.​

"Yes it is true, but how did you know?" He asked.

"Well you've kept your original name, which aside from sounding German is entirely lacking a j, k, v, t or z, making it very suspicious. Plus of course you're still wearing your Nazi uniform and have a badge on saying 'I'm a German spy'" Tiso explained.

"Curses!" Hans exclaimed. "As they said in spy school, it is always the little details that give you away!"

For the first time in days Tiso relaxed, now at least he knew he wasn't the only leader in the Axis suffering from incompetent subordinates.

--
Bonus Facts - Hans Bernard was the OTL German ambassador to Bratislava, until August 1940 at which point he was replaced and moved on to Italy, never to return to Slovakia. Why he is an industrial specialist is almost as big a mystery as why he was the Slovakian intelligence minister at all.