Haidar: Is it just me, or do the Mughals look a little out of place in Paris...
Haidar: I know! We can become a nation thats never out of place anywhere in the world: Rome!
Adviser: I'm afraid the Roman Empire doesn't really exist, and since you're ancestors destroyed the old HRE, the closest thing to it was the Byzantine Empire, but now you're father has destroyed them as well.
Haidar: Perfect! The Byzantine Empire! It will be truly glorious, my friend!
Adviser: Wow, "friend"?
Haidar: Don't read too much into it, I'll have you killed long before the end of this update.
Adviser: Well my Liege, you were right about one thing: this has pissed off the Golden Horde.
Haidar: What do you mean by that, "You were right about one thing." I'm right about EVERYTHING!
Adviser: Umm...
Haidar: Guards! I want this man's head delivered to the family collection!
Captain of the Guards: My King, I'm afraid... there is no more room.
Haidar: What?!?
Captain: Its true my Liege, the heads are stacked to the ceiling and have filled the entire room! I don't think we can stuff even one more in there.
Haidar: Oh no. This is a dark, dark day for the Empire...
Captain: What do you mean?
Haidar: Don't you see, without the Bourbons going around cutting off all the idiots' heads, the whole world will descend into chaos! Morons and lunatics will become high ranking officials! The knowledge and wisdom of the ages will be lost! The political and economic systems that we have built up over the centuries will cease to function! And then everything will EXPLODE!!!
Captain: Explode? Figuratively or literally?
Haidar: What? Oh, I'm not sure... Either way, its going to be bad.
Captain: Couldn't you just build a bigger room to store your head collection?
Haidar: No. Impossible.
Captain: Umm... why?
Haidar: Don't bother me with stupid questions, if the world weren't about to end, I'd have your head for that... only, now I don't have anywhere to put it.
Captain: What of the adviser?
Haidar: Well chop his head off anywhere, if you really can't fit it in the collection, then stick it on a pike or something. Thats what the barbarians do, it works for them...
Haidar's prophecies of Doom have begun to be fulfilled. The world is going insane!
Its time to convert!
Here rebels, rebels, rebels! Come on out! I'm not going to hurt you! I just want to give in to your demands!
The Mughal influence has spread quickly. Thats an odd-looking temple to put in Rome...
I have to move my capitol, since you can't move it to a different continent if it has any neighboring provinces. I solved this problem when I left Europe by moving to Orkney. Now that I want to move back, I'll move it to an equally obvious choice where any Emperor would put his capitol.
Upon arriving at his new capitol Haidar promptly dies.
Announcer: All hail Niki... no, no... Niku sido... oh, no thats not right... ah, let me see... Niku-siyar bin Bourbon!
Noble 1: ... Niku, huh? Sounds Asian... maybe Japanese?
Noble 2: Yeah, something like that.
Noble 1: Maybe its Mongolian. Isn't the Mughal Empire supposed to be kinda Mongolian-ish?
Noble 2: I thinks so... Oh, it looks like he's going to give us a speech!
Niku: Attention loyal subjects! The world is ending and you will all die! That is all! Continue with your celebrations!
.............
Noble 1: Bravo! Hooray!
Noble 2: A truly inspiring speech your Magisty! Simply magnificent!
Niku: Oh shut up you two!
Rebels refuse to spawn in either of the provinces with active missionaries in them, they instead decide to spawn in Macedonia.
The world continues its decent into chaos!
I finally got some Orthodox zealots in Constantinople.
Wohoo! Orthodoxy is the new state religion!
Messenger: My King! We have conquered Rome!
Niku: Oh, well, thats nice waaaaaaaaaaaaa??? We've held Rome for centuries!
Messenger: Oh... really?
Niku: What took you so long?!?
Messenger: Huh. It must have gotten lost in the mail...
Niku: Historian! When was the conquest of Rome?
Historian: Ah, that would be the 17th of November, 1505. Almost 268 years ago. Way back then the Empire was known as the Empire of Ireland! It is a fascinating time period Sire-
Niku: Yes, yes, very good. Now get lost!
*Turns back to the messenger*
Niku: 268 years!!! How does a message get lost in the mail for 268 years! Where did you send it, Japan?
*Niku draws his sword and slices off the messenger's head*
Niku: Great. Now what am I supposed to do with this head?
Messenger: My King! The Zaporozhians have broken their vassalage and declared war on us!
Niku: Very well. Call the other vassals to arms!
Messenger: Right away, my Liege!
Messenger: My Liege! Terrible news! All of your vassals except Hanover have refused to join us in this war!
Niku: ALL of them!?!
Messenger: Yes! Apparently they feel that you switching religions made their oaths of loyalty null and void!
Niku: So... let me get this straight. They had absolutely no problem with us being a Persian-cultured Mughal Empire, but as soon as I say I'm Orthodox they all break their alliance?
Messenger: Yes, that appears to be the case.
Niku: Very well, I'll just have to kill them all. Oh, that reminds me, do you need a head for anything? I just have this one lying around...
Messenger: Oh... um, no... no thank you. Its a very kind offer and all, but I don't really need a... human head... right now.
Columbia joins the game. Just think, 500 years from now they'll be a malaria-infested jungle which is a battle ground between drug cartels and communist insurgents... Yeah, I think I'll let them be...
The self-appointed King of Ukraine is executed, although Niku isn't able to find a suitable home for that head either...
Some Cosmopolitaine patriots rise up, declaring their allegiance to that center of Cosmopolitaine culture... Russia.
Louisiana become the second colonial revolter to declare independence.
As usual, they pop up in Florida.
Fighting several break-away vassals at once and piles of rebels all across the land leads to a problem that is unprecedented in the Empire's long history, we have run out of troops.
Niku: So, explain this to me again. I'm still not quite grasping the concept.
General: There are no more soldiers. The troops in the field have been dying faster than we can find suitable replacements.
Niku: Why don't you just make some of the peasants join the army?
General: There are no more peasants! There are no more men! They're all dead! You've sent them all charging to their deaths so many times that the entire empire is out of young men who can serve in the army.
Niku: So... what you're saying is: if I throw some more money your way, this problem will go away, right?
General: ... I have to get back out to the field! Your empire is collapsing, my Liege. Good luck!
Bizarrely, the first nation to throw off the Mughal Empire and their ridiculous kings is Catalunya, one of the least common revolter states I've ever seen. I don't think I've ever seen them successfully revolt before.
Niku: Men, as I'm sure you have all noticed, the empire is collapsing due to lack of beheadings. Therefore, we need to focus on the most important region and let the others fall into chaos.
Niku: Constantinople! It was once the last bastion of the Roman Empire, now it will be the last bastion of the Bourbon Empire! We must hold this region long enough to form the Byzantine Empire.
General: What happens then?
Niku: What does it matter?
General: ???
Niku: Alright! You have your orders! Now move out!