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CharlyFox

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Robert: Hey I just got a letter from the Byzantine Emperor! ...
Adviser: Did he really say that?
Robert: Yeah! Can you believe it? He called us expansionist! The nerve of this guy!

Magnificient!

Please, pretty please stop making me laugh out loud in the office, I feel silly afterwards :)

Thanks again for this Hillarious AAR!

regards,

CharlyFox
 

Johan11

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No, I'm not sitting around bored. I love thinking. I just pick bad fave nations.

Actually, I wasn't even in the Orkneys. I was home, but I have been camping in the weekend. I found out that tents aren't necessarily waterproof when it rains cats and spaniards.

The nerve of the guy!!!

Expansionist? I really can't think of why....
 

sjones25

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dinofs: As Junuxx said, he became chief of a tribe of Shiites, he didn't become Shiite himself. My official religion is still Catholic, so becoming the Pope won't be a problem.

Junuxx: The head of a Shiite tribe actually being Shiite would be a bit unusual in a game this wacky!

zagoroth: :p Just a few provinces, here and there, you know.

morningSIDEr: Oh just you wait!

elbasto: That was a decision I was working on to try to make a new nation I tried to make called New York. I never did get it working quite right. It has no cultural specifications, so it shows up for every country because any culture has the possibility of forming New York if they have the right cores.

theconfusedone: Yes I'm the Catholic Theocracy of Persia. My monarch is known as the Archbishop of Persia.

CharlyFox:
Please, pretty please stop making me laugh out loud in the office
Never! :D I've done that too when reading AARs... some people do look at you funny. Then again some of the guys in my office send out xkcd comics to the rest of us all the time, so they probably just assume its something like that.

Johan11: I know right? Just because I almost his entire empire from him and his neighbors, have conquered basically all of Europe, and have conquered a huge swath of land all the way into India he thinks that gives him the right to call us expansionist! He should see some of the other empires I've built, then he'd know the true meaning of expansionism!
 

sjones25

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Adviser: My Liege, moving your capitol into the middle of the deserts of Persia has had a rather negative effect on our economy. We're having a hard time collecting money from all of our rich European provinces, because they're now so far away.
Robert: Bah! Economies are for squares!
Adviser: Umm...
Robert: You're not a square, are you?
Adviser: No...? Of course not?
Robert: Good. Now make me a sandwich.

Moscowy applied for entry into my ever-growing ranks of vassals.
EU3_26.jpg


Bohemia makes a bid to join as well, but I had to deny them, since they're a Catholic, and vassalizing a Catholic while you are a theocracy seems to turn them into a bishopric.
EU3_29.jpg


Adviser: My Liege, now that we've left Europe, Portugal and Aragon are wondering if we wouldn't mind allowing them to come back over. And by "wondering if we wouldn't mind," I mean, they just declared war on us.
Robert: I'll instruct the troops that they are to inform the Portugese and Aragorns that I'm disinclined to acquiesce their request.
EU3_31.jpg


Robert: By the way, the Aragorns are still down in Africa, right?
Adviser: Yes, but they also have colonies in the New World.
Robert: Yes, yes, but my point is, why haven't they taken over Gondor yet???
Adviser: Where?
Robert: Nevermind, you don't get it. Uncultured peasant.

Robert: Ok boys, here's the plan: we're going to sneak a unit of highly-trained commandos into Portuguese Mexico to strike at their capitol, ending the war once and for... the next 5 years. Does everybody have their disguises?
EU3_34.jpg

Robert: Excellent! Lets move out!

Adviser: My Liege, Russian Nationalists have begun attacking one of our vassals!
Robert: Who? Novgorod? Muscowy? Pskov?
Adviser: Um, no actually, its Dauphine.
EU3_39.jpg


Robert: Huh, and they say I'm crazy?
Adviser: Indeed!
Robert: Oh they do, DO THEY?!?
Adviser: No, I was simply agreeing with you that the Russian rebels are crazier than you!
Robert: Oh, so now you're saying I'm crazy as well!?! Guards!

A while later, a very, very, very lost Russia emerges.
EU3_45.jpg


Robert: HE HE HE! HA HA HA! HO HA HE HAR HAR!!!
*thud*
EU3_40.jpg


Announcer: All hail Haidar I bin Bourbon!
Noble 1: Haidar?!? Well at least they got the number right this time!
Noble 2: He throws quite a coronation feast anyway!
Haidar: Ladies and gentlemen! Thank you all for coming, as I'm sure you've all noticed, all of your food was poisoned and you are all now dead. Once again, thanks for all your loyal support. Feel free to try the deserts, they're all delicious and very much poison free! In fact, thats all I've been eating all night!
*clap clap clap*
Haidar: You there! What are you doing still alive?
Obese nobleman: All I ate was deserts...
Haidar: Oh, excellent! A man after my own heart. You're my new adviser.

The Greeks are unamused. If this army actually joined the Knights, they'd have one of the most powerful armies in Europe.
EU3_42.jpg


Haidar: This is the moment of my family's triumph! Over the generations, we've hunted down every single Catholic bishop. We've searched the world over to make sure we've killed every last one. Now, there are only two: myself and the Pope. There can be only one true bishop!
Adviser: Why's that?
Haidar: BECAUSE I SAY SO! DIE POPE!!!
EU3_47.jpg


The Pope's been hanging with a strange crowd...
EU3_49.jpg

An Orthodox, a Protestant, a Hindu, and a Muslim are the only kings to come to his defense.

Haidar: Thats it? You insult me, Your Holiness!
EU3_50.jpg


Haidar strides into the Pope's palace dressed in full Persia battle armor. He raises his scimitar.
Haidar: Surrender your crown... or hat-thingy... whatever!
Pope: Um... ok. You could have just asked for it. I was your vassal you know!
Haidar: Yeah, but you gotta admit this was way more fun.
Pope: Well, actually...
Haidar: Ha! Your just mad that I kicked your butt. Hey! Look over there!
*with one swift stroke, he slices the Pope's head off*

Haidar: VICTORY!!! Mwahahaha! Wait. What?
EU3_54.jpg

Haidar: No! I don't want to restore the Papal State! I just destroyed it! Why on earth would I want to restore a nation I literally just destroyed?!?

Haidar: Thats better!
EU3_58.jpg


Haidar: I'm the Pope! Ha! Take that God!
EU3_60.jpg

Haidar quickly proceeds to saint himself.

Haidar: Well. That was fun.
Adviser: What do you mean "was"?
Haidar: Oh... you'll find out.
EU3_62.jpg

Haidar: BAM! Betcha didn't see that one coming!
Adviser: No. No I can't say I did. Two nations within a month, nope I wouldn't have guessed that.
Haidar: Well I bet you feel pretty stupid now!
Adviser: Right. The Mughal Empire? Really? Like as in the Mongolian guys?
Haidar: Yeah. Pretty awesome, huh? I pretty much just did it to stick it to the Golden Horde!
Adviser: Well, I'm sure they'll be... surprised.

Here's my Papal State map. The Mughal map is identical.
EU3_MAP_PAP_175629_1.jpg


EU3_MAP_PAP_175629_2.jpg


France √ - Ireland √ - England √ - Great Britain √ - Italy √ - Netherlands √ - Prussia √ - Germany √ - Spain √ - Russia √ - France √ - Scandinavia - √ Persia √ - Papal State √ - Mughal Empire √ - Byzantine Empire

1 left to go! Byzantines, here I come!
 

Malurous

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Hehe, looks like you switched gears there, that's quick! :D

Just one more to go, well done!
 

theconfusedone

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Epic double tag hop! :D
So are the Mughals a papacy or an empire?
 

Johan11

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Unexpected!

C-c-c-combo!!!!
 

dinofs

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Just one last country!
 

sprites

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Epic double tag hop! :D
So are the Mughals a papacy or an empire?

they should be a despotic monarchy :D

now it's up to you if you want to be a bysantine papacy or a bysantine monarchy :D
 

morningSIDEr

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I stand corrected, you were very right, it has got alot more crazy! You have to applaud the obese nobleman, talk about acing a job interview.
 

sjones25

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Malurous: Thanks.

theconfusedone: As sprites said, they are a Despotic Monarchy. Its part of the decision, which is really nice if you are tribal (ie. the Timurids)

Johan11: You didn't see it coming either? Actually, I was pretty surprised as well, I was just playing along as the Papal State and noticed the Form Mughal Empire decision was already up. So I took it!

sprites: I wish I'd thought of that before! A Byzantine Papacy would have been epic. But I don't see any way of becoming a papacy again now that the Papal State is gone.

morningSIDEr: Hopefully, the craziest is yet to come.
 

sjones25

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Haidar: Is it just me, or do the Mughals look a little out of place in Paris...
EU3_1.jpg

Haidar: I know! We can become a nation thats never out of place anywhere in the world: Rome!
Adviser: I'm afraid the Roman Empire doesn't really exist, and since you're ancestors destroyed the old HRE, the closest thing to it was the Byzantine Empire, but now you're father has destroyed them as well.
Haidar: Perfect! The Byzantine Empire! It will be truly glorious, my friend!
Adviser: Wow, "friend"?
Haidar: Don't read too much into it, I'll have you killed long before the end of this update.

Adviser: Well my Liege, you were right about one thing: this has pissed off the Golden Horde.
EU3_2.jpg

Haidar: What do you mean by that, "You were right about one thing." I'm right about EVERYTHING!
Adviser: Umm...
Haidar: Guards! I want this man's head delivered to the family collection!
Captain of the Guards: My King, I'm afraid... there is no more room.
Haidar: What?!?
Captain: Its true my Liege, the heads are stacked to the ceiling and have filled the entire room! I don't think we can stuff even one more in there.
Haidar: Oh no. This is a dark, dark day for the Empire...
Captain: What do you mean?
Haidar: Don't you see, without the Bourbons going around cutting off all the idiots' heads, the whole world will descend into chaos! Morons and lunatics will become high ranking officials! The knowledge and wisdom of the ages will be lost! The political and economic systems that we have built up over the centuries will cease to function! And then everything will EXPLODE!!!
Captain: Explode? Figuratively or literally?
Haidar: What? Oh, I'm not sure... Either way, its going to be bad.
Captain: Couldn't you just build a bigger room to store your head collection?
Haidar: No. Impossible.
Captain: Umm... why?
Haidar: Don't bother me with stupid questions, if the world weren't about to end, I'd have your head for that... only, now I don't have anywhere to put it.
Captain: What of the adviser?
Haidar: Well chop his head off anywhere, if you really can't fit it in the collection, then stick it on a pike or something. Thats what the barbarians do, it works for them...

Haidar's prophecies of Doom have begun to be fulfilled. The world is going insane!
EU3_4.jpg


Its time to convert!
EU3_15.jpg

Here rebels, rebels, rebels! Come on out! I'm not going to hurt you! I just want to give in to your demands!

The Mughal influence has spread quickly. Thats an odd-looking temple to put in Rome...
EU3_17.jpg


I have to move my capitol, since you can't move it to a different continent if it has any neighboring provinces. I solved this problem when I left Europe by moving to Orkney. Now that I want to move back, I'll move it to an equally obvious choice where any Emperor would put his capitol.
EU3_22.jpg


Upon arriving at his new capitol Haidar promptly dies.
EU3_26.jpg


Announcer: All hail Niki... no, no... Niku sido... oh, no thats not right... ah, let me see... Niku-siyar bin Bourbon!
Noble 1: ... Niku, huh? Sounds Asian... maybe Japanese?
Noble 2: Yeah, something like that.
Noble 1: Maybe its Mongolian. Isn't the Mughal Empire supposed to be kinda Mongolian-ish?
Noble 2: I thinks so... Oh, it looks like he's going to give us a speech!

Niku: Attention loyal subjects! The world is ending and you will all die! That is all! Continue with your celebrations!
.............
Noble 1: Bravo! Hooray!
Noble 2: A truly inspiring speech your Magisty! Simply magnificent!
Niku: Oh shut up you two!

Rebels refuse to spawn in either of the provinces with active missionaries in them, they instead decide to spawn in Macedonia.
EU3_27.jpg


The world continues its decent into chaos!
EU3_28.jpg


I finally got some Orthodox zealots in Constantinople.
EU3_30.jpg


Wohoo! Orthodoxy is the new state religion!
EU3_31.jpg


Messenger: My King! We have conquered Rome!
EU3_32.jpg


Niku: Oh, well, thats nice waaaaaaaaaaaaa??? We've held Rome for centuries!
Messenger: Oh... really?
Niku: What took you so long?!?
Messenger: Huh. It must have gotten lost in the mail...
Niku: Historian! When was the conquest of Rome?
Historian: Ah, that would be the 17th of November, 1505. Almost 268 years ago. Way back then the Empire was known as the Empire of Ireland! It is a fascinating time period Sire-
Niku: Yes, yes, very good. Now get lost!
*Turns back to the messenger*
Niku: 268 years!!! How does a message get lost in the mail for 268 years! Where did you send it, Japan?
*Niku draws his sword and slices off the messenger's head*
Niku: Great. Now what am I supposed to do with this head?

Messenger: My King! The Zaporozhians have broken their vassalage and declared war on us!
Niku: Very well. Call the other vassals to arms!
Messenger: Right away, my Liege!
EU3_33.jpg


Messenger: My Liege! Terrible news! All of your vassals except Hanover have refused to join us in this war!
Niku: ALL of them!?!
Messenger: Yes! Apparently they feel that you switching religions made their oaths of loyalty null and void!
Niku: So... let me get this straight. They had absolutely no problem with us being a Persian-cultured Mughal Empire, but as soon as I say I'm Orthodox they all break their alliance?
Messenger: Yes, that appears to be the case.
Niku: Very well, I'll just have to kill them all. Oh, that reminds me, do you need a head for anything? I just have this one lying around...
Messenger: Oh... um, no... no thank you. Its a very kind offer and all, but I don't really need a... human head... right now.

Columbia joins the game. Just think, 500 years from now they'll be a malaria-infested jungle which is a battle ground between drug cartels and communist insurgents... Yeah, I think I'll let them be...
EU3_34.jpg


The self-appointed King of Ukraine is executed, although Niku isn't able to find a suitable home for that head either...
EU3_36.jpg


Some Cosmopolitaine patriots rise up, declaring their allegiance to that center of Cosmopolitaine culture... Russia.
EU3_40.jpg


Louisiana become the second colonial revolter to declare independence.
EU3_43.jpg

As usual, they pop up in Florida.

Fighting several break-away vassals at once and piles of rebels all across the land leads to a problem that is unprecedented in the Empire's long history, we have run out of troops.
EU3_45.jpg

Niku: So, explain this to me again. I'm still not quite grasping the concept.
General: There are no more soldiers. The troops in the field have been dying faster than we can find suitable replacements.
Niku: Why don't you just make some of the peasants join the army?
General: There are no more peasants! There are no more men! They're all dead! You've sent them all charging to their deaths so many times that the entire empire is out of young men who can serve in the army.
Niku: So... what you're saying is: if I throw some more money your way, this problem will go away, right?
General: ... I have to get back out to the field! Your empire is collapsing, my Liege. Good luck!

Bizarrely, the first nation to throw off the Mughal Empire and their ridiculous kings is Catalunya, one of the least common revolter states I've ever seen. I don't think I've ever seen them successfully revolt before.
EU3_47.jpg


Niku: Men, as I'm sure you have all noticed, the empire is collapsing due to lack of beheadings. Therefore, we need to focus on the most important region and let the others fall into chaos.
EU3_49.jpg

Niku: Constantinople! It was once the last bastion of the Roman Empire, now it will be the last bastion of the Bourbon Empire! We must hold this region long enough to form the Byzantine Empire.
General: What happens then?
Niku: What does it matter?
General: ???
Niku: Alright! You have your orders! Now move out!
 
Sep 29, 2008
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:rofl: heh.

The madness continues, due solely to your tag-hopping.
Russian Cosmopolitaine Rebels? German Nationalists in Spain?
What on earth is going on?
:rofl:
 

Donfodio

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With every update you promise even more craziness and indeed it gets crazier every time.

Peak of craziness reached now, or can you top even that? :cool:
 

morningSIDEr

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Unhinged loons indeed! Only a few more tag hops left, making Byzantium the capital of the Bourbon Empire is sure to work well. After all the Byzantines truly prospered as a nation. Oh wait...
 

dinofs

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What? :eek: Out of room to store heads? What will the empire do now?
 

Johan11

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Columbia from Denmark?

Louisiana from Brittany?

What the?
 
Jun 29, 2010
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That event: The Conquest of Rome, when does it appear? I am playing as the Byzantine Empire and it looks like an orthodox-event, but I can't find it anywhere.
 

Junuxx

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That event: The Conquest of Rome, when does it appear? I am playing as the Byzantine Empire and it looks like an orthodox-event, but I can't find it anywhere.

It's not technically and event. It's a modifier from common\triggered_modifiers.txt and it's for non-Catholics in general.