Niku enters the council chamber in Maldives carrying an armful of heads. Some of them are quite gruesome, having been removed from their owners some months ago. He unceremoniously dumps them on the table, brushes some of the blood off his robes, and sits down. The courtiers stare in horror at the pile of heads on the table.
Niku: Gentlemen! We have a crisis on our hands... Actually, we have about six or seven crisises... or is that crisese? crisees? Whatever. We have nationalists from ever country imaginable running rampant across our lands, we are at war with half a dozen former vassals at any given time, and we still need more stability before we can start getting the situation under control. I need all of you to do your utmost to make sure our master plan is not derailed!
General: Sire, I suggest we move a contingent of our Greek forces into Austria to deal with the uprisings there.
Niku: Don't be ridiculous! Those Greek lands are our most important possessions!
General: Why? They make less money, they don't produce any valuable trade goods, and they barely add anything to our dwindling manpower!
Niku: Don't make me behead you! I'm not sure how many more heads I can carry around with me... Perhaps I'll get a crate or something.
Nobleman: Then what do you want us to do? The empire is crumbling, while you sit here in Maldives reading about Julius Caesar!!
Niku: Hey, Caesar was a cool guy! Maybe if I had someone like him in my court, rather than you incompetents, we wouldn't be in this mess! *He stares off into space* Ah, Caesar, did you ever run out of room in your royal head storage? I wonder. Perhaps thats what became of the Roman Empire...
Nobleman: Sire?
Niku: Well, you have you're orders! Now get to it!
Nobleman: What orders?
*Niku draws his sword and chops off the nobleman's head in one smooth motion*
Niku: Great! Another head to carry around! *sigh*
The Irish are finally liberated. Almost 370 years after King Charles' oddly named War of Irish Liberation, almost the entire island becomes independent.
Andalusian patriots rip apart southern Spain while German nationalists break off a large part of central Spain.
Niku: Well, you know what they say: "The rain in Spain falls mostly on the plain."
Adviser: I don't see what that has to do with the situation...
Niku: You wouldn't.
France, tired of constantly being the force behind the empire's conquest but getting nothing in return, decided to make its own bid for independence. Unfortunately, just like all the other nationalists in Europe (except the Irish), they seem to lack maps.
Niku: HA HA HA! Stupid French!
I... umm... I'm not sure what to say about this one... the picture speaks for itself:
Yes, you're seeing that right. A unit of Portuguese patriots (who are unmistakably black) dressed up in what appears to be animal skin of some kind, grabbed themselves some stone spears, and proclaimed their undying loyalty to Benin.
Apparently Portugal had some sort of problem with this.
The Portuguese and their Castilian allies amassed a huge army that rivaled the empire's in every way. Their fleet far outmatched anything the empire had left, especially since the empire's fleet was mainly obsolete warships who's designs were now decades, if not centuries, out of date.
Adviser: My Liege, the Castilians are overrunning our position in Central America! The Portuguese have landed troops in several of our Carribean colonies! We must send support!
Niku: We must do no such thing. What we must do is surrender.
Adviser: Surrender?!? The Empire hasn't lost a war since... since... I'm not sure the Empire has ever lost a war! And you're going to give up just like that?!?
Niku: Yes. The Byzantine lands must not be allowed to be threatened. Besides, I need peace so I can do something really important.
The Castilians spent a lot of manpower and raised a lot of war exhaustion storming my lv. 4 or better forts in Central America and were quite reasonable in their demands.
Finally! I'd been waiting for a moment of peace so I could move the capitol for years.
Check it out! Greek is already the dominate culture!
Its only a matter of time now!
Niku: Strike up the band! Today is the most glorious day!
Adviser: Umm... why is today the most glorious day?
Niku: Curse you Jalayirids!!!!!!!! *shakes his fist in the general direction of Arabia*
Its a pretty exceptional year anyway.
*Niku storms into the Jalayirids' embassy*
Niku: We demand peace! Now!
Ambassador: Excellent! As you know, we have been desiring peace ever since our nation became independent again.
Niku: Oh... really? Well in that case, give us all the money in your treasury and we'll have peace.
Ambassador: Well, we were actually thinking, since we are winning the war and all, that you could give us a small token to help us rebuild after this long and destructive war...
Niku: My offer stands. Take it or I'll send all my armies and wipe your pitiful nation off the face of the earth!
Niku: Ok, everyone, here we goooooo!
I guess we proved ourselves "worthy"
Niku: Mission Accomplished!
For all the rebellions and vassals defecting, the Byzantine Empire doesn't look too bad!
Epilogue:
The final change threw the empire into disarray once again. The bureaucracy and nobility of the empire were just starting to put the pieces back together when Niku completely reorganized the whole nation, throwing it back into anarchy. Rebels ripped the nation apart, most of the noblemen quit and joined the various revolutions. The army collapsed without leadership and either joined a rebel band or began looting and pillaging at will. A large troop of rebels laid siege to the city of Constantinople itself.
Niku looked on from his palace, seemingly undisturbed by his nation's collapse.
Niku: Well, we're done here.
Adviser: WHAT!?! What do you mean done?!? The empire is dead! Even if these rebels don't break through and slaughter us, the Iberians will surely be back to finish us off once the truce expires! We're doomed!
Niku: Well, I suppose thats one way of looking at it. I, on the other hand, choose to look back over what we Bourbons have accomplished. We conquered basically all of Europe and the Middle East. We formed the Empire of Ireland, destroyed the English, formed ourselves into England, we formed the British Empire, the Italian Empire, the Netherlands, the Kingdom of Prussia, destroyed the HRE, formed the German Empire, the Spanish Empire, the Russian Empire, the French Empire, the Scandinavian Empire, we destroyed Persia, then we formed the Persian Empire, we even destroyed the Pope and made ourselves into the Pope, we formed the Mughal Empire, we destroyed the Byzantine Empire, and now look at us, we've reformed the Byzantine Empire!
Adviser: Yea, I guess we do have something to be proud of!
Niku: Thats the spirit! Now, help me load these heads onto my horse.
Adviser: Um... ok. Where are you going?
Niku: I don't know yet. I'll go wherever I'm needed.
*Niku mounts his horse, which is burdened with several crates of heads*
*He pauses for a moment*
Niku: You know what this story needs at the ending?
Adviser: What?
Niku: One last beheading.
With that, Niku slices the adviser's head off his shoulders and places it in one of the crates. He turns his horse around and rides slowly off into the sunset as Constantinople burns behind him.
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