morningSIDEr

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Good stuff. I love the idea of being an advisor now constituting an extreme sport. 'Tired of bungee jumping? Hand gliding no longer thrilling you? Take up the exciting sport of advising a madman!'
 

Malurous

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I wonder if becoming an advisor of the Spanish(/whatever it is at the moment) Emperor voids your life insurance? If not, I see some good scheming possibilities...
 

sjones25

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mayorqw: Not a bad idea for a training exercise. A little unorthodox perhaps (the usual method of killing advisers has been decapitation), but at least the troops would get to share in the fun.

As of 1714, I was at 240 BB. 1821 is a tall order!
P.S. Please don't mail me yogurt, it never turns out quite right... Puppies rarely do well in the mail either.

dinofs: Yes he will, or at least one of his descendants will, if not him.

JDMS: No. No one else in the world comes close to matching me. If Castile, Portugal, and Ming could all team up, they might be able to field around as many troops as me, but I would still win.

Johan11: Ukraine? You should really pick better favorite countries :p

morningSIDEr: I'm still working on a name for it... how about Xvisering?

Malurous: I don't know, those 1700's life insurance contracts were pretty complicated...
 

sjones25

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For the first time since the Great Crusade, the ruler of the Constantly-changing-name Empire made a trip outside of Europe. Emperor Sancho surveyed the Holy Land, Persia, and the newly conquered Indian territory.

Sancho: Its all a bit crappy, really. Why'd we wast so much effort taking all this sand?
Viceroy of the Middle East: Uh, well, I'm not entirely sure. Your predecessors insisted on it.
Sancho: Oh, well thats an excellent reason! All of my predecessors have been brilliant leaders and have done nothing that was not in the best interests of all of mankind, so all this land must have been part of their great plan for the world!
Viceroy: Oh yes, most assuredly, Your Majesty!
Sancho: So... Is any of this making us any money?
Viceroy: Unfortunately not Sire, but I have a plan...
EU3_75.jpg

Sancho: Excellent! Now we can steal all of the wealth of this land and bring it back to Spain, where it belongs! Good thing the Dutch or the British didn't think of this. ;)

A minor war with the Golden Horde erupts. The last vestige of the old Mongolian Empire is trying to reassert the dominance it once had over Russia.
EU3_77.jpg

Shouldn't be a problem.

Sancho sails to Russia to deal the Horde a crushing defeat.
EU3_79.jpg


The Horde is easily defeated their southern lands are broken up.
EU3_83.jpg


Sancho: There's still one problem left in Persia.
Adviser: Whats that?
Sancho: Its full of Persians, of course! HA HA HA!
EU3_85.jpg


Hold up a sec... Sweden? How many times must I crush you?
EU3_86.jpg


At least once more, as always.
EU3_87.jpg


Persia's demise and, therefore, its subsequent resurrection is quickly approaching.
EU3_89.jpg


Sancho: Soon all of India will be mine!
EU3_94.jpg

Adviser: What are you planing to do with India?
Sancho: Oh, I don't know. Perhaps I'll unite it into a single country, grant that country independence, then make you King of India!
Adviser: Really?!?
Sancho: HA! No! You should have seen the look on your face though! Ha ha! Oh, I wish cameras were invented. I would have put that picture up on my wall and thrown darts at it all day! Ha ha! Go on down to the courtyard for your execution now, ok?

My last 2 Russian cores!
EU3_96.jpg


Sancho: You know what? We've already beaten all the Russians and the Golden Horde and we've taken over most of Russia. Why don't we just call ourselves Russia?
Adviser: Wouldn't the Ryazanians be upset by that?
Sancho: Beheaded.

Sancho: So who's our next contestant on: "So, You Think You Really Want to Adviser the Emperor?" Hi, welcome to the show. Whats your name?
Death: Death.
Sancho: Blast! But my son's so pathetic!
EU3_100.jpg


Noble 1: So I heard old Sancho finally kicked the bucket. I suppose his son will be announced as the new king today... What was his name again?
Noble 2: Francisco I de Paula.
Noble 1: Paula? Where or who is that?
Noble 2: I have absolutely no idea.
Noble 1: So... is he changing the dynasty's name to de Paula? Or is that some sort of title or middle name or what?
Noble 2: I don't know, but Francisco I de Paula Bourbono would just sound ridiculous!
Noble 1: Ha ha! Yea it would!
Announcer: The old king is dead! All hail Francisco I de Paula Bourbono!!!
Noble 1: ...
Noble 2: Sigh.

Adviser: My Liege, thousands of your people are wondering who or what is Paula? I know it wasn't the name of either of your parents, and it isn't where you were born...
Francisco: How do you presume to know who my parents are or where I was born?
Adviser: Uh, you were the heir to the most powerful man in the world. It was kind of a big deal where you were born and to whom. I think pretty much everybody heard about it.
Francisco: No good bunch of busy bodies! Tell them to mind their own business!
Adviser: Everyone in the world are busy bodies and you want me to tell all of them to mind their own business?
Francisco: Yes! What, are you hard of hearing? Cause thats going to get really annoying!
Adviser: No, I was just making sure I got your orders right. I'll write up a few billion memos and distribute them out the afternoon.
Francisco: Good. Oh and while you're at it, draw up a declaration of war as well.
Adviser: Against who, My Lord?
Francisco: I don't know? Make something up! Use your imagination. Do I have to do everything around here? Oh, and if anyone asks, I'm out hunting. *Steps into his bedroom* Hello ladies!

It turns out "Malwa" (the name that the adviser randomly made up) is an actual country. So the declaration of war took effect as soon as it was announced to the commander of the Spanish forces in India. Who knew?
EU3_102.jpg


Nearly everyone in India bands together against the Spanish invaders. Ryazan and the Mamalukes also join in an attempt to retake some of their lost lands.
EU3_103.jpg


The Mamalukes surrender almost immediately:
EU3_110.jpg


Francisco: Why bother joining a war if you're that pathetic? Ha ha!

Look who showed up! Its Christopher Columbus! Sort of. Cristobal Colon, Spain's great... army reformer?!?
EU3_111.jpg


I'm embarrassed to say that I don't have a screenshot of the peace deal, but I only took a few more provinces in India as you can see here:
EU3_114.jpg


Francisco: With the recent crushing defeat of Ryazan and their allies, I now proclaim myself Emperor of Russia and hereby institute the Russian Empire! Everybody has to call me Czar from now on, because its awesome!
EU3_115.jpg


Francisco: Artist! Draw up some new maps for me!
EU3_MAP_RUS_1707324_1.jpg


As you can see, Russia rules the world. Well, except for Russia and Eastern Europe...
EU3_MAP_RUS_1707324_2.jpg


France √ - Ireland √ - England √ - Great Britain √ - Italy √ - Netherlands √ - Prussia √ - Germany √ - Spain √ - Russia √ - France - Scandinavia - Persia - Papal State - Mughal Empire - Byzantine Empire
 
Last edited:

dinofs

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What portion of your population is French?
 

Johan11

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Oh dear!

Resigning sigh....

"Death"?

Really?
 

Malurous

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Too bad that Sancho died before the hop, Czar Sancho would have sounded fantastically strange.

Oh dear!

Resigning sigh....

"Death"?

Really?

Well, he's probably living close to the court by now anyway, lots of job opportunities in his line of work :D
 

Johan11

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Too bad that Sancho died before the hop, Czar Sancho would have sounded fantastically strange.



Well, he's probably living close to the court by now anyway, lots of job opportunities in his line of work :D

Oh, right!

Any job appliances, please send to:

The court of the Bourbons
Hell Road 23
666 Underworld
Fantasia

For suicide, send application to:

G. Reeper Death
Hell Road 26B
666 Underworld
Fantasia

Letter marked: Suicide.
 

JDMS

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Great job. Death is now the most successful advisor. :D
 

sjones25

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mayorqw: Ok.
Friends.jpg

I'm so popular :D

dinofs: I think Cosmopolitan was the second largest culture. If you add in all the other "French" cultures, its probably a pretty large minority. Maybe about a sixth of my total...

Johan11: :confused: Whats the difference between applying for a job at the Bourbon court and committing suicide?

Malurous: What about Czar Francisco I de Paula Bourbonzki? Is that not strange enough?

Frozen_Predator: Thanks!

JDMS: He did survive for his whole term... Thats far better than anyone else!




Messenger: MY LIEGE! MY LIEGE! Important news!
Francisco: It better be important! We haven't even started yet!
Messenger: Started?
Francisco: Yes! We're still in the part where we reply to people's comments!
Messenger: What people?
Francisco: Why the readers, of course! You idiot! Now, whats this "important" news?
Messenger: Paradox has finally expressed interest in making a Crusader Kings 2!
Francisco: WOW! I'm so happy I could behead someone! This is the best news I've heard in ages! When will it be ready?
Messenger: They haven't said. They will only announce it when this facebook page has 25000 "likes"
Francisco: Blast! And here's me sitting here hundreds of years before computers are invented! I knew I should have invested more money in technology! ... I know! Maybe my readers will all go "like" it!
Messenger: Um... readers? Sire?
Francisco: Yes, you fool! The readers! They all obviously have computers with internet connections, otherwise they couldn't be reading this! Go on readers! Click on the link the messenger has so helpfully provided... I'll just sit here and wait... Look, we're not going to do anything while you're away... Well, actually I might kill this messenger, but thats it, honest. CLICK THE LINK NOW OR I'LL KILL YOU ALL!!!!!!!
*the messenger backs slowly out of the room, leaving Fransisco cursing at the ceiling*
 

sjones25

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Francisco: Anyway, so where were we? Oh yes, I had just crowned myself Czar of the World!
Adviser: Don't you mean Czar of Russia?
Francisco: Its really just a matter of perspective don't you think? From my perspective, I'm Czar of the World; from your perspective, your head is rolling off the chopping block.
Adviser: What?
Francisco: Guards! Do your thing!

Francisco: In honor of the great Patron Saint of the House of Bourbonzki, I hearby name St. Annesburg the capitol of the World!
EU3_116.jpg


There was once a time when this message would have struck fear into the ruler of the empire. But Poland's time is long past.
EU3_119.jpg


Johann (ie. Johan) the Duke of Cleves (ie. King of Paradox) leads the joint Russian and Clevean(?) forces to a stunning victory over Poland's only army of any significant size.
EU3_121.jpg

When you pretty much wrote the game, I guess you get to be pretty good at it!

Poland's old friends try to help.
EU3_122.jpg


Poland's only ally, the Portuguese are banished from the World Cup... oh, and from the continent of Europe. If only this had happened while I was still Spain!
EU3_125.jpg


Francisco: Have fun in the Americas! Play nice with Castile! Ha!

Poland gets cut in half. Try and into space now!
EU3_126.jpg


Time to make more friends!
EU3_131.jpg


Francisco: Our nation is in decline again! Wow, look how much it has declined :rolleyes: I just don't know how we will ever recover from all this decline! I guess we're doomed.
EU3_133.jpg


Francisco: Hey, didn't we start our empire in France?
Historian: Yes, Your Majesty. Back in the ancient history of our country we were once known only as the Kingdom of France. Those were simpler times...
Francisco: Yea yea, shut up. I say we bring back those times and retake our ancient homeland!
EU3_134.jpg

(The main point of this war was to take back Avignon and Bourbonnais. And kill the Bishop of Avignon, of course!)

Mission accomplished.
EU3_135.jpg


Francisco: Die Bishop!
EU3_138.jpg

Francisco: Ha! What fun! We should really do this more often!
Adviser: My Liege, I'm afraid there are no Catholic Bishops left.
Francisco: Awww! Thats no fun...

Francisco: Malwa I'm afraid your Lucknow has run out!
Adviser: That was awful Sire.
Francisco: Nobody asked you!
EU3_139.jpg


Francisco: All the luck now is ours!
Adviser: Seriously Your Majesty?
Francisco: I tire of your constant demeaning of my excellent jokes! Off with his head!
EU3_140.jpg


Francisco: Lets move our capitol back to our old place in Paris!
Adviser: Um... My Liege, the palace of Versailles has fallen into complete disrepair, after centuries of disuse, its a gutted wreck by now!
Francisco: Thats ok, just dust it up a bit and make it look somewhat presentable. We won't be staying long.
EU3_144.jpg


French once again became the national language of the realm. The few remaining French noble families could hardly believe it. After centuries of being ignored and abused, they were finally given a moment in the limelight.
EU3_149.jpg


Francisco: I hereby reform the French Empire!
EU3_150.jpg


Francisco: Wow! This place does suck! We need an archeologist just to find a bathroom around here.
Adviser: I'm not even sure bathrooms were invented yet when this place was last occupied.
EU3_151.jpg


I've finally done it. I've gotten every single province I will need a core in. And you all thought I wasn't going to be able to finish in time! I think the only province I don't have that I will eventually need is Constantinople. All the Catholic bishops are dead.
EU3_MAP_FRA_1717107_1.jpg


EU3_MAP_FRA_1717107_2.jpg
 

dinofs

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You've gotta love the constant pop culture references. :rofl:
 

Johan11

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Oh bugger!

Johan the twelvth?

Why not the eleventh?


Oh, and the difference is that suicide is when you actively do the killing. To apply as advisor is simply applying for euthanasia/mercy killing
 

theconfusedone

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Nice so only 4 countries left to form?
You know in my humble opinion, you should form the papal states last, Persia is a theocracy anyway.

It would be bloody epic if you end up as pope instead of Byzantium. Come on being a "Roman" is only smth a Greek minor would do!
 

sjones25

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How many are left to form?
Whoops!
France √ - Ireland √ - England √ - Great Britain √ - Italy √ - Netherlands √ - Prussia √ - Germany √ - Spain √ - Russia √ - France √ - Scandinavia - Persia - Papal State - Mughal Empire - Byzantine Empire

10 down (11 if you count France twice :p) 5 to go.
 
Last edited:

JDMS

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Good work. You might actually make it. :D
 

morningSIDEr

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Great stuff, ever excellent progress. Perhaps Francisco can send truculent advisors searching for the bathooms instead of beheading them? Frankly it would likely prove a longer and more messier death.