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DensleyBlair

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"If he were any good you'd still be outside." That is a good response to complaints.

I must admit, I was rather proud of that line. I imagined it said with a wonderful sneer ;)

Thanks for your comment!



In other news: I will be playing my virginal session of EUIV on Saturday! I intend to play a quick run of Elizabethan England so that I can log events and such, which will then give me all of the material I need for the whole AAR. I think this truly does deserve a big

Huzzah!
 

Belgiumruler

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I must admit, I was rather proud of that line. I imagined it said with a wonderful sneer ;)

Thanks for your comment!



In other news: I will be playing my virginal session of EUIV on Saturday! I intend to play a quick run of Elizabethan England so that I can log events and such, which will then give me all of the material I need for the whole AAR. I think this truly does deserve a big
Y
Huzzah!
Huzzah!!!
 

DensleyBlair

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1: Sin

ee5b700bc4f844c1db2211422d1bd875_zps0aaf2f9e.jpg

"Good morning, milord."

"There's always hope. Has that bird-brain Nevill arrived yet?"

"No, milord. Though there was a messenger."

"Another one? What did he want this time?"

"Not sure, really – he said something about sins"

"Not another priest!"

"No, milord. He didn't look like a priest. He had this funny outfit on and kept going on about money—"

"Sounds like a bloody priest to me..."

"Nah, he wasn't a bloody, milord."

"Well he will be if he shows up here again. From now on, if anyone funny-looking shows up at the door, tell them to sod off!"



"Ah, hello. Is Sherwin here?"

"Sod off."

"Ha! Go on, you young roister-doister, you."

"I can't. Lord Norfolk told me to tell any funny-looking people at the door to sod off."

"Turquetil! What's going on over there? You haven't spent that long at the door since Sir Francis Walsingham turned up drunk in the middle of the night shouting "I'm naked, hammered and looking for love; let me in!""

"Don't worry, my lord. Your servant and I were just enjoying a little jape, weren't we, you young rascal?"

"Oh good – I would say good morning, Nevill, but I fear I'd be lying. What do you want?"

"Hoho! You are in fine larking today Sherwin. Well, I was hoping that you would allow me to accompany you when you go and see the Queen this afternoon."

"Fat chance! I wouldn't let you accompany me to the privy, let alone to see the Queen."

"Oh go on, Sherwin!"

"No. I'm going alone. I tell you what, Turquetil, you know the world's gone to the dogs when Hampton Court is the only place in London a man can enjoy intelligent company."



"Milady, I have returned."

"Oh! Lord Norfolk – what a wonderful surprise! I thought you would never return. Sylvy was just getting to write up your death warrant."

"Quite, ma'am."

"Now, Norfolk, I trust you received our messenger earlier?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Our messenger. We sent one this morning to deliver some important news. Did he arrive?"

"Let me think... There was that priest, but my servant politely told him to leave."

"Priest?"

"Weren't you listening, Sylvy? That is what Norfolk said."

"You never used to listen to anything anyone said, my little sunbeam. Whenever your father read you your bedtime story, you'd always just fall asleep! I'd have to sit you on the naughty stool – and the Duke and Duchess of Dinnertime never visited the naughty stool—"

"Shut up Nursie. Let Sylvy finish."

"Thank you, ma'am. We didn't send a priest, Norfolk."

"When my servant told me that there was a man at the door in funny clothes raving about money and sin I assumed it was another member of the clergy looking to save me from having my eyeballs gouged out and made into pie by Beelzebub and all his demons. Was I wrong?"

"Quite wrong indeed in fact, Norfolk. Your visitor was one of our top merchants who had traveled from Antwerp especially to deliver you a message."

"You never liked ants, my little bumpkin. Or worms—"

"Nursie, be quiet."

"A what was the message, Sylvester?"

"Well, Norfolk, we need you to travel to Sindh."

"I see. And what would I do when I got there?"

"Well, we were hoping that you would get us a bit of money."

"I see. And how would I do that?"

"Well, we were hoping that you would figure that out once you got there."

"Go on, Norfolk. After all, you are bloody clever, and you can't be clever without a head, can you?"

"No, of course not ma'am."

"Wonderful! In that case, you can leave in, say, three days?"

"Of course."

"Bye!"

"Oh, Norfolk, before you go – these are maps of the area you'll be traversing. We've had our top cartographers draft them for you and your crew."

"Ah, thank you."

"Yes yes. They'd very much appreciate it if you could fill them in as you went."

"I would expect nothing less. Well then – goodbye!"



"Right, Nevill! Pack your bags – we're off to India! Turquetil; just pack your bags."

"Oh! My lord – what wonderful news!—"

"It seems in the last twenty minutes I'd forgotten how annoying you are. It's not wonderful, Nevill."

"Why ever not? Let us embark on an adventure to a foreign lands across wide, undiscovered seas— Oh damn!"

"What?"

"I've just remembered, I have a dentist's appointment next Wednesday and can't come. It's a damned root canal, you see—"

"Who is it now?"

"I don't know what you mean!"

"Oh come on! Just because you're an utter clot it doesn't mean everyone else is."

"I'm sworn to secre— Ow! Alice Ballinger!"

"The Alice Ballinger?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Alice 'Owner-of-the-Hardest-Working-Corset-in-Billingsgate' Ballinger?"

"I think there may be two Alice Ballingers—"

"No; sweet, elegant—"

"Yes, that's her!"

"Goes like Hans Holbein in front of an angry Henry VIII? Don't worry, Nev – you'll get over her."

"..."

"I did."

"..."

"It's settled then – to India!"



To be continued...
 

LordTempest

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Why do I get the feeling that instead of heading to India, Sherwin & co. are about to meet Tom Baker and go discover Australia?
 

Gen. Marshall

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Plot twist: Norfolk won't strand in Ant-werp, but actually makes it to India to found New Norfolk :D

Wonderful update as always, Densley, some parts of this actually made me laugh out loud. The moment my mother came upstairs I had to bite my cheek real hard to stop myself from looking like the retarded computer-screen-laugher I am, and now my cheek huwts. Darn. But worry not, I'll always be Sherwin you the full complement of my attention ;)
 

DensleyBlair

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To India!

Or not...

I see what you Sindh there...

I am indebted to Charles James Napier for the idea.

Why do I get the feeling that instead of heading to India, Sherwin & co. are about to meet Tom Baker and go discover Australia?

Oh don't give it away! ;)

Not Australia – more Columbus-style India.

Plot twist: Norfolk won't strand in Ant-werp, but actually makes it to India to found New Norfolk :D

Wonderful update as always, Densley, some parts of this actually made me laugh out loud. The moment my mother came upstairs I had to bite my cheek real hard to stop myself from looking like the retarded computer-screen-laugher I am, and now my cheek huwts. Darn. But worry not, I'll always be Sherwin you the full complement of my attention ;)

Oh don't give it away! ;)

I'm glad to hear that – and I imagine Richard Curtis would be, too ;) Maybe I should add 'potential cheek injury' to the health warning I'm the first post...



Oh, and thank you all – and especially Mssrs. Ruler and Marshall – for your comgratulations and your bestowing of this humble work of plagiarism with the BCWotW AwAARd. It really does mean a lot.

Huzzah!
 

Lord Durham

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Damn! So you know Alice Ballinger, too. Bring on the... er, adventure...
 

Nikolai

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I love anything Black Adder. This has Black Adder. I love this.:D
 

DensleyBlair

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Huzzah! You've dragged me to EUIV AARland and I don't regret it. Brilliant as ever Densley

Wonderful to see you here, Tyler! I hope you enjoy the rest of Sherwin's adventures.

You should check out some other brilliant EU4 AARs about the Roman Republic by Tanzhang as well!

I second this statement. Go forth and enjoy EUIV AARland's bounty!

Damn! So you know Alice Ballinger, too. Bring on the... er, adventure...

Bring on the anti-climax ;)

I love anything Black Adder. This has Black Adder. I love this.:D

Great to see another new face! – Welcome Nikolai! I hope you enjoy the rest of the tale.

Presumably that Napier is not related to the Napier of logarithmic renown, otherwise it'd be too uncanny... :eek:

5x great-grandson ;)
 

Revan86

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Indeed, Densley! Congrats on the award!

And brilliant update here; I laughed. The Second Series vibes are strong with this one! I'm seeing burlap sacks and agile minstrels in Lord Norfolk's future, perhaps after his trip to lands unknown. He'll have to tell us once he gets back whether they're as sweet or ugly as Sindh, though.
 

DensleyBlair

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Indeed, Densley! Congrats on the award!

And brilliant update here; I laughed. The Second Series vibes are strong with this one! I'm seeing burlap sacks and agile minstrels in Lord Norfolk's future, perhaps after his trip to lands unknown. He'll have to tell us once he gets back whether they're as sweet or ugly as Sindh, though.

When he gets back? Why not hear it straight from the horse's mouth, as it were? I'm sure many a fine lark will be had on our cast's adventures! ;)

Glad to hear that the quality remains strong in your eyes. I do enjoy the writing process for these. I must admit, though, I'm looking forward to our next series. The dialogue in Blackadder III is as soft on the ear as a builder who has eschewed the customary tradesman's pencils in favour of writing implements made of Egyptian cotton. ;)



In other news, I'm travelling tomorrow, so I'll have plenty of time to write another update. Expect one some time tomorrow afternoon.

Huzzah!
 

DensleyBlair

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ee5b700bc4f844c1db2211422d1bd875_zps0aaf2f9e.jpg

"Right, Turquetil, have you found me a captain yet?"

"What, milord?"

"A captain; one who steers a ship, often found lying drunkenly in puddles of ale and urine on the floor of the taverns of the London dockyards."

"Oh! A prostitute!"

"No, not a bloody prostitute. A captain!— Oh, forget it. I'll go and find one myself."

"Oh don't worry, milord. I'll be going down the docks later anyway so I could find one then—"

"No, Turquetil, I'll do it. I don't want, come next week, to find myself sailing around the Mediterranean watching a group of well-built men in very tight sailor's uniforms thrusting their way around the poop deck shouting: 'I'm tired of this voyage; why don't I take you below deck and show you the seven seas?'"



"Excuse me, crone, do you know of any sea captains around here?"

"Ooh, that I do, my lord, that I do."

"As I have long since realised that any attempt to teach the peasantry of London proper grammar; can you show me where one is?"

"Ooh, so I can, my lord, so I can."

"For goodness sake, you don't need to repeat everything you say – I'm not some deaf tourist!"

"Oh, right – in that case, there's one over there."

"Thank you, crone. I would apologise for having nothing to give you as a tip, but I fear that, even if I did, I wouldn't give you a cold."



"Aaahaaah! Ahoy, my lord! What be your business here?"

"Aaa-haa to you too, salty sea-dog. I wish to hire you and your ship."

"Aaahaaah! I'm afraid the prostitutes be the next road over. You'll be more successful in hiring bodies there–"

"No, you water-brained cretin, I wish to hire your services as a captain for a voyage to India."

"Aaahaaah! Of course, my lord. I'd wager you won't be finding another captain in all of England who would better serve you than I."

"No. And I probably wouldn't find one as annoying, either."

"Aaahaaah! What a hearty sense of humour you be having, my lord!"

"I've also got a hearty pile of cash in my codpiece, but you won't be seeing a penny unless we do some actual business."

"Aaahaaah! Right you be, my lord."

"Good. What do you say we shake on it?"

"Aaahaaah! Of course, my lord — Aaahaaah! You have a weak grip, my lord. Like the soft nibble of a turbot at the back of your breeches."

"And that happens a lot?"

"Aaahaaah! Oh yes, my lord – such is the danger of the open sea."

"I see. Well, if the Lord in all his benevolence spares us of being molested by flatfish, I'm sure we'll all be pleased. By the way, I'm not sure I caught your name..."

"Aaahaaah! Frobisher, my lord, Martin Frobisher."

"Well then, Captain Frobisher, I shall see you with your ship tomorrow morning."

"Aaahaaah! Aye, my lord."



"Right then, Turquetil, where's that clot Nevill got to?"

"Well, I told him you were down the docks looking for a captain and that you'd be a while, so I offered to put the kettle on I'd he wanted to wait, but he said no and left."

"I see. So I wouldn't find him here then? Not hiding in that box then?"

"..."

"Turquetil?"

"..."

"..."

"Yes, milord. He is in the box. He's hiding from you."

"Come on, Nevill! We'll miss the tide!"



"Enter!"

"Ma'am."

"Ah, Sherwin! I thought you had already left."

"No, ma'am. We set sail any minute now. I have come to bid you all farewell."

"Oh good! Gosh, Sherwin, you are brave. Do be careful."

"I shall, ma'am. Indeed, I have one of the finest captains in all of England to keep me safe."

"And can I meet him?—"

"Aaahaaah! My lord, we'll be missing the tide if you dally much longer."

"Ma'am, may I introduce my captain, Martin Frobisher – thick on dialect, thin on brains."

"Aaahaaah! It be an honour, your majesty."

"Ooh, I assure you the honour's all mine!"

"Be quiet, Nursie—"

"Aaahaaah! Never since I wrestled barehanded with the fabled sea woman of Jersey have I seen such a thing of beauty! What say you when I return you let me haul anchor forever?"

"Ooh, yes please!"

"While all of this nautical flirting is truly heartwarming, I fear we must haul our own anchor—"

"Aaahaaah! Certainly not! That be not what it means when it be said that boats toss in the sea—"

"No, I mean we have to leave."

"Aaahaaah! Ah, yes, you be right there."

"Oh Sherwin, do you really have to leave now?"

"I fear we do, ma'am."

"Well, um— oh gosh, I've gone all gooey. Bring me back riches and find me an island and— and—"

"I shall do all I can, ma'am. But for now, farewell. We must be off to India!"



To be continued...
 
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