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    Real Strategy Requires Cunning

DensleyBlair

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As amusing as all of these Of Mice and Men references are, I'm sure you'll all be pleased to hear that work on the next update is nearly done. I'm currently debating whether to have a standard update in term of length and leave myself having to write a shorter update next time, or extending things slightly and wrapping up the episode. I'm leaning towards the latter.

In any case, keep your eyes peeled. Something will be up later.

Huzzah!
 

Belgiumruler

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Huzzah! Densley, I blame you... I am desperate to find the third blackadder series thanks to you...
 

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Huzzah! Densley, I blame you... I am desperate to find the third blackadder series thanks to you...

Here you go. The third series is the best, as far as I'm concerned, so you've got a lot to look forward to.
 

Belgiumruler

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DensleyBlair

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Fork III

ee5b700bc4f844c1db2211422d1bd875_zps0aaf2f9e.jpg

"Right, have you got everything?"

"Yes, milord. Though I'm afraid I couldn't find any red hats..."

"So you did what?"

"Well, I found a little shop in Bishopsgate where the man offered me a good deal on these novelty Viking helmets."

"I see. It is of little consequence. I'm sure one more stark raving lunatic in the Church won't be too much cause for alarm. If anything, I imagine a novelty Viking would be overqualified for the job."

"Sounds a lot like St. Björn to me."

"St. Björn?"

"Yeah. St. Björn of Åland – patron saint of pillaging, murder and novelty hats."

"How on Earth do you know that? You couldn't spell 'Pope' if I gave you the first four letters."

"My uncle Turquetil was a vicar."

"Really? I thought they'd stopped letting baboons into the clergy."

"Oh no, Sherwin! Do you not remember the last Bishop of Bath and Wells?"

"He was, milord – he told me himself. Once, when I asked if he really was as stupid as everyone said, he said 'no, I'm vicar'."

"Well, I'm certainly much more confident of my plan now that we have such a wealth of ecclesiastical knowledge on our side."

"Really, milord?"

"Of course not! Knowing anything about the Bible is about as much help in becoming a member of the clergy as having an unfortunate lisp. Now, Turquetil; I need you to make sure a lot of people see this."

"What is it?"

"It's a letter, Turquetil – and it's of vital importance that people see it."

"Well how I'm I going to do that?"

"I don't know! Try nailing it to a church door. Nevill, you come with me. If you're going to be a member of the clergy, you'll need to look like you've *at least considered sanity as a lifestyle choice."

"My lord! Wax my eyebrows and steal my trousers!—"

"I afraid you'll need to think of a more orthodox outfit if you're to fit in with everyone – which I appreciate might be hard for someone whose sense of style can largely be described as 'bearded tit who's had an unfortunate accident in a ceramics factory'. We'll have to leave out the hats thanks to Turquetil's somewhat lacking costume design abilities and move straight onto the robes—"

"But, Sherwin; what is all this for?"

"Well, Nevill; in layman's terms, I am seeking to do unto the Papacy what Richard III did unto all that whore for whom he gave up his kingdom."

"You can't do that!"

"And why would that be?"

"Well, everyone in the Curia is sworn to a vow of chastity, for a start—"

"It seems layman's terms are too advanced for you, Nevill. What I intend to do is simple; we will install an Antipope, who will then be able to tell the revolting Cornish peasants to go back to their turnips without us having to get within smelling distance of a single pasty."

"An ingenious plan, my lord!"

"Yes, I thought so too."

"But, my lord, who will be the Antipope?"

"Well, Nevill – I thought we'd go for a complete unknown. An individual – if we are indeed to grant him such high status – with no brains, charisma or personality. Someone whom we can be sure is under our complete control."

"That's all well and good, Sherwin, but who?"

"I'm back, milord."

"Gentlemen, I present Antipope Simplicus I!"

"Where?"

"I think you're confused, Sherwin. There's only Turquetil and me here."

"No, you cretin, Turquetil is Simplicus! He's our Antipope!"



"Do you think Sherwin will be in Cornwall by now, Sylvy?"

"If he hasn't been savaged by any pastry-based foodstuffs on the journey, then yes. In fact, if he is on course, he should have just encountered his first band of revolting peasants."

"I'd hate to think of him being in danger... Maybe I should've let him go to Rome after all."

"You always were very kind, my little fruitcake."

"Really, Nursie?"

"Yes, my pork chop. Whenever I had to give your little botty a little smack, you'd always offer to let one of the other children go first. Of course, you always went first anyway, but it's the thought that counts, isn't it, my little fluffybun?"

"Oh be quiet, Nursie!"



"Ta-da!"

"What do you think, milord? Do I look like a Simplicus?"

"A very large one, Turquetil. In fact, the 'strategically shaved baboon who's been awkwardly shoved into a really bad pope costume' aesthetic of the outfit really comes through. Now, Nevill, do you have your large red hat?"

"Oh no, Sherwin!"

"What?"

"I fear I have mislaid it..."

"Oh for goodness sake, Nevill! You're already wearing it!"

"Ah, yes... It seems it has turned up after all."

"Now remember: when we get to the abbey, I'll do all the talking. Neither of you are to open your mouths unless I say so. Understand?"

"..."

"..."

"You may speak."

"Understood, milord."

"All is clear, Sherwin. Those churches won't get a word out of me!"

"Honestly, Nevill, I don't think they'd want to— What is it, Turquetil?"

"..."

"You may speak."

"There's someone at the door, milord."

"Well go and tell him to sod off then!"

"..."

"You may speak."

"Thank you, milord. Of course, milord."

"..."

"You can speak, Turquetil. For goodness sake, we're not even at the abbey yet!"

"He's not leaving, milord."

"Did you tell him to sod off?"

"Yes, milord."

"And what did he say?"

"Ah zayd zat ah weel nut zod uff!"

"Oh good! The Grand Bore of the Mediterranean graces us with his presence once again. We were just on out way out, you know..."

"Ah nuh exactleh what yu air doeeng, Nerfolk! Yur plen weel nut succeed!"

"You haven't got something stuck in your nose, have you?"

"Ah dun't nuh what yu men!"

"Where are you even from? I bet you were bullied at school, weren't you?"

"Yuh weel nut muck meh! Jest baycoz ah travelled in ma yuth, thet ees nuh raysun tuh muck meh! Nuh wen weel ever coll meh stupeedy-akzent-stupeed-fess uhgen! Bet eet does nut matter. Yur plen weel fell, end ah weel rule ull ev Curnwell! Goodbah, Nerfolk – good leck."

"Well, he seemed friendly."

"If your definition of 'friendly' is 'sounds like a bad cold', then yes, he seemed very friendly. But it is of little consequence. By dinner time we'll control the most powerful man in Christendom."



"Right, now we're at the Abbey, remember: don't talk unless I give you permission."

"Right."

"Yes, milord."

"Shhh!"

"Shhh!"

"Oh, for goodness sake! Let's just go inside and get the bloody thing over with."



"Good evening, Abbot."

"Ah! Good evening, my lords. I'm afraid the prostitutes have just left."

"I assure you, father, we are not here seeking sexual pleasure."

"Really? I am."

"No. We wondered if you might help us, actually.*I am Cardinal Norfolk, this is my colleague Cardinal Sin. We are here on behalf of His Holiness Antipope Simplicus I on a grave and solemn mission"

"Antipope? What on Earth was wrong with the real Pope?"

"Please, Abbot – 'real' is a very sensitive term. We prefer 'revolting'."

"Revolting? Surely that's worse than 'real'?"

"No, Abbot, for he is revolting from the guidance of Pope Simplicus."

"I see. Yes, that quite makes sense. But that doesn't tell me what's wrong with the revolting Pope. And what do you want me to do, anyway?"

"Well, Bish, in layman's terms we need you to help us convince those revolting Cornish that Simplicus is the real pope."

"What's in it for me?"

"Nothing."

"Then I won't do it. I've plunged many depths in my time, but I will not he you."

"Believe me, abbot, I can be very persuasive. You may have heard many terrible things about Beelzebub during your time, but all of his ungodly tortures and curses are the mere playthings of children when compared to just thirty seconds in the vestry with me and this hat."

"Fine! I'll do it. Can't I at least speak to our new pope?"

"He's undertaken a vow of silence."

"Well why can't he tell me about it?"

"Oh, for goodness sake..."



"Well, Norfolk, it seems a hearty congratulations are in order!"

"Thank you, Sylvester."

"Yes, Sherwin, you've done jolly well. Tell me; were any of those revolting peasants scary?"

"No, ma'am. I chortle in the face of fear and prod the nose of terror – especially when that terror is a balding, overweight man in tight-fitting padded trousers angrily clutching an out-of-date pastry."

"Oh, how dishy..."

"It really is remarkable, Norfolk. Not only did all of the peasants stand down of their own accord, you managed to do everything in record time. It's as if you never left! Had I not known you had done the job I'd be sure divine intervention was at work. He truly does work in mysterious ways..."



"The Church shook England to its core,
With things in Cornwall getting nasty,
But fighting rebels is a chore,
Especially when they fight with pasties.

Lord Norfolk, Lord Norfolk; he tangled with the Church,
Lord Norfolk, Lord Norfolk; he left us in the lurch!

Lord Norfolk, Lord Norfolk; he tried to change the Pope,
Lord Norfolk, Lord Norfolk; his jokes are all old rope!"

[Huzzah!]



To be continued with

Episode Three!

Coming soon...
 

Davout

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Huzzah! I particularly liked the ditty at the end.
 

Belgiumruler

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beautifl song on the end Densley! I can see the scene now....
 

DensleyBlair

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Huzzah! I particularly liked the ditty at the end.

beautifl song on the end Densley! I can see the scene now....

Thank you both. Indeed, the ditties are always fun to write. This one actually underwent a few rewrites before I could convincingly fit in 'pasty'. :D



As for the next update, I shan't give an ETA yet. Hopefully I'll have something soon, in any case. If there's nothing by the end of the month, feel free to shout at me. ;)

Huzzah!
 

LordTempest

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Top class as always Densley, but I still think that the accursed Hapsbo-Spaniard sounds an awful lot like an accursed French revolutionary jailer. Maybe it's just me? :)
 

DensleyBlair

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Top class as always Densley, but I still think that the accursed Hapsbo-Spaniard sounds an awful lot like an accursed French revolutionary jailer. Maybe it's just me? :)

Thanks Tanzhang. As with regards to the Cardinal: do you want the honest answer? I conceded and wrote his accent as that of a French revolutionary jailer, so you're not going mad. ;)



Still no ETA on the next update, I'm afraid – though there is something we can celebrate.

Exactly a year ago today, There's Nowt As Queer As Norfolk was first conceived. Here's to a year of farcical, appealing comedy and hare-brained schemes, and here's to the continuation of such endeavours for a while to come!

If there's one occasion that requires one, surely this warrants a big...

...Huzzah!
 

DensleyBlair

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Huzzah! Thank you both.



I'm afraid I must report that there won't be the promised update before the end of the month. I've been somewhat busy with other things (notably a new AAR for Vicky 2 and GCSEs) but have by no means forgotten this. Sherwin &co. are at the forefront of my mind, and I'll hopefully get something up soon.

Just no promises on when 'soon' is. ;)

Huzzah!
 

drSandworm

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I've finally caught up to this AAR! I've been reading it since the first part and it's great fun. Keep in mind that I usually avoid text- only AAR's like a plague.

Can't wait to see more outrageous things Sherwin does, as well as more funny accents.

Also, Huzzah! (Everyone does that and I don't want to feel left out)
 

Seelmeister

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Another interesting chapter Densley. Norfolk did well to see of the rebels without risking a hair on his head, but I wonder what the long term repercussions may be? It is rarely so clean cut when you dabble in religion; even a mute anti-pope may cause problems!
 

Belgiumruler

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I demand an update, Watched all Blackadder series, thanks to Densley, I am sad it is over! Cheer me up a little bit!
 

DensleyBlair

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I've finally caught up to this AAR! I've been reading it since the first part and it's great fun. Keep in mind that I usually avoid text- only AAR's like a plague.

Can't wait to see more outrageous things Sherwin does, as well as more funny accents.

Also, Huzzah! (Everyone does that and I don't want to feel left out)

Wonderful to see you here, Sandworm! Fantastic to hear I've been able to entice you to a text-only AAR, and even better to hear that you've enjoyed yourself.

Huzzah!

Another interesting chapter Densley. Norfolk did well to see of the rebels without risking a hair on his head, but I wonder what the long term repercussions may be? It is rarely so clean cut when you dabble in religion; even a mute anti-pope may cause problems!

Thanks Seel. Good to see you here again.

I'm sure the Anti-pope situation will prove troublesome for our (anti-)hero, though – for better or worse – the next update shall be focussing in different "endeavours" of a farcical nature. ;)

I demand an update, Watched all Blackadder series, thanks to Densley, I am sad it is over! Cheer me up a little bit!

I apologise profusely once again for not getting an update out in a while. I'm having far too much fun in Vicky at the present, but I'm sure I can rustle something up in time for Christmas. And then, of course, there's our project in the meantime, BR. ;)



Hopefully I can string something together in time for a Christmas update. It seems as good a day as any to aim for with regards to the next installment – whether canonical or otherwise.

Until then...

Huzzah!
 

DensleyBlair

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Good news! I'm about halfway through a special Christmas update (which will more than likely be out a bit after Christmas.) Until then, why not check out sim more festive treats. Oh, and there's a collaboration between Belgiumruler and me which might sound similar in parts. ;)

Click to advert below to follow the link:


A very festive

Huzzah!

to you all.

NB: I was bullied into this by Gen. Marshall. :p
 

DensleyBlair

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There's Nowt As Queer As Christmas

ee5b700bc4f844c1db2211422d1bd875_zps0aaf2f9e.jpg

"So this is Christmas is it, Turquetil? While everyone else is out singing carols, eating fabulous feasts and exchanging gifts I'm stuck at home with nothing but a tree that's got about as much verve as Anne Boleyn, a mince pie that's as large as your brain and this cracker."

"Don't worry, milord, it's not all bad! At least you're not alone."

"Believe me, Turquetil, I'd very much rather be alone when you're the alternative. Besides, haven't you got somewhere else you can pollute this Christmas?"

"Nah. My family don't like me going back to the hovel."

"Oh? And why would that be?"

"Well, my mum always said that she was glad to see the back end of me."

"I'm surprised that anybody would be glad to see either end of you. Now, where's that fop Nevill got to? Wasn't he meant to be joining us for our splendid feast?— Oh, what luck! Here he is now!"

"Well render me purple and shove me in the oven! Compliments of the season, my lord!"

"It is common nowadays to say "hello". Is anyone with you?"

"No, actually. I came alone."

"Shame. We could've used some help to finish off our slap-up."

"Well, I could always get Gwendoline if you like..."

"No thank you, Nevill. It's bad enough having to cope with one dribbling bird-brain without you bringing that cackling bore over."

"My lord! Gwendoline is a very attractive woman!"

"Yes, she is."

"..."

"If, of course, you find a horse's rear-end attractive. Now, shall we get down to business? Turquetil, do you want to do your presents first?"

"Alright milord. This one's for you."

"..."

"...and this one's for you."

"Thank you."

"..."

"Oh look! Just what I've always wanted... What is it, Turquetil?"

"It's a stick, milord."

"Yes... So it is. Thank you, Turquetil."

"..."

"Well, baste my breeches and serve them with stuffing! Turquetil, you shouldn't have!"

"What is it, Nevill?"

"Behold, Sherwin! An ancient relic from days of yore!"

"What? Let me see."

"..."

"Oh, for goodness sake Nevill! This isn't a relic—"

"How dare you, Sherwin! Turquetil must have put a lot of effort into choosing these gifts—"

"Nah, he's right, milord. It isn't a relic."

"Oh... Right... What is it then?"

"It's a stone, milord."

"I see... Well, thank you, Turquetil. It's very generous of you."

"Right, now that that display of excess is out of the way, Nevill, do you want to do yours?"

"Certainly, my lord. Here's yours, Turquetil."

"Say thank you, Turquetil."

"Thank you, milord."

"...and this is yours, Sherwin."

"Oh good! Another delightful gift, I'm sure."

"..."

"Well...? What do you think?"

"Well, Nevill, though I commend the originality of your gift, I must admit it is hard for one to hold an opinion such as this?"

"Come now, Sherwin! Do you mean to say that my beguiling gift has bested your intellect?"

"No, Nevill – the only beguiling thing about this pitiful excuse for a present is how you seem to inexplicably hold the belief that receiving it is a privilege! It's about as visually appealing as a pig who has a particularly poor gene-pool; as effective as "Dr. Hokum's Ye Olde Magyck Plague-Be-Gone Healing Lotion" and, above all, I have absolutely no idea what it is."

"My lord! Do you really mean to say that I've outwitted you?"

"No, Nevill, I mean to say that you have displayed to me once again that I am the only sane person in this city outside of the Bedlam Home for the Loony, Bonkers and Raving Mad. Now, seeing as explaining with words doesn't seem to have an effect, if you still don't understand, I shall have to convey my current disposition towards you by strangling you violently with this stand of tinsel."

"Well... That certainly gets the point across..."

"Did you get us anything, milord?"

"What?"

"Well, we got you stuff, so surely you've got us presents?"

"Oh, well it's nothing really—"

"Oh, come now, Sherwin! You don't need to be so modest—"

"No, Nevill, it's really nothing. I don't see why I should have to waste my hard-earned money on you two imbeciles. Now, unless you wish to regale me further with interesting drool formations that form when you open your mouths, I'm off for a nap."



"Milord..."

"..."

"Milord!"

"What? What time is it?"

"Two-thirty, milord."

"In the morning?"

"No – in the afternoon."

"Well why have you woken me, then?"

"There's a messenger at the door."

"What? Again?! Can I not go to sleep without being woken by some sort of herald?"

"He says the queen wants to see you."

"Ah, well then. I'll get up right away. I jump at the chance for some erudite discourse."

"Well don't jump too high or you'll hit your head on the ceiling."



"Ma'am. You called?"

"Ah! Norfolk! Smashing to see you. Merry Chrimbo and all that."

"Yes, quite, ma'am."

"Have you got my present?"

"Your present, ma'am?"

"Yes, a present. I usually get presents from all of my favourites. Sylvy brought me this portrait. Isn't is amazing? In fact, I liked it so much that I knighted him on the spot!"

"Perhaps, Majesty, Lord Norfolk has forgotten to get you something..."

"That would be a shame, wouldn't it? Not in the least because I'd have to cut off that dishy head of his..."

"Rest assured, ma'am, I have not forgotten. In fact, I have my gift for you right here..."

"What is it?"

"It is a ring, madam, cut from the finest gold and embellished with the finest jewels from the depths of India."

"Well, that is flash... Did you really spend all that money on me?"

"It was not a problem, ma'am – that sort of expense is mere spare change for me."

"Sherwin, I'd forgotten quite how brilliant you are. In fact, I want to reward you for everything you've ever done. Fancy a title?"

"Well, if you insist, ma'am, how about Duke of Norfolk?"

"Of course. And a castle?"

"Well, ma'am, you are far too generous... Windsor?"

"Naturally. How about a knighthood?"

"Well, one does not mean to sound greedy, but it would be nice. But which Order to choose…?"

"It is tricky, isn't it? I know! How about I make you a knight of every Order?"

"A fine idea ma'am."

"Now, Sherwin, there is one more thing..."

"Pray, madam, what more could you possibly have to offer me?"

"I want to marry you, Sherwin."

"Well, that can be arranged— Hang on... Who gave Nursie permission to turn into a cow?"

"Mooo!"

"And why us everyone dancing?— Is that my mother? Oh, God! It's a bloody dream, isn't it? Just a bloody dream..."



"Milord..."

"..."

"Milord!"

"What? What time is it?"

"Two-thirty, milord."

"In the morning?"

"No – in the afternoon."

"Well why have you woken me, then?— Hang on, this is just a dream, isn't it? You're about to tell me that there's a messenger at the door, and then I'll go and see the Queen—"

"Nah, this isn't a dream, milord. Me and Nevill just thought you'd like to play Charades with us."

"Oh good."



As promised, a slightly late Christmas Special. Enjoy, everyone, and see you all for more this year!

Huzzah!
 

GreatUberGeek

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:rofl: really funny, Densley! Great fun...:D