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    Real Strategy Requires Cunning

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loki100

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Now that is a nice euphemism! :D

The madness continues (literally, too, now that I think about it)! Always nice when it's the Bishop that goes stark raving mad. :) And that murder rate is nothing the sneeze at - do you have enough court members to counter the steady attrition?

Oh, and nice job continuing the unlucky streak with your marshalls (from the previous post). Do you have to 'coax' the computer to keep up on it, or is your game truly this screwed up? ;)

one does like to introduce a higher literary tone now and then. It seems to be a bit of a CK thing that madness and heresy particularly affects the bishops. I am actually running out of court members, with the death and exit rates, its down to some real numpties in some positions.

No, my marshall loss rate is entirely a game function. I don't know if my loss rate is so high, or if I'm just noticeing it and picking up on it, as its now become a bit of a running theme.

I loved the piece about stealing holy relics too - just the sort of thing your heretical bishop might suggest!

Aye, its again one of the ways that the random (I presume) events in CK can be moulded into patterns, but you can just imagine a Bishop with innovative religious ideas, a ruler obsessed with underhand tricks and a rather competent spy master coming up with something like that.

Ahh. You found my cultural item of significance? (To be written up in the aarland thread soon...) ;)

Who says the relic is cultural? It shall remain nameless only because this is a family friendly AAR

Its gets worse?! I am now very, very afraid...

Aye there is a significant increase in the violence before the end, think of this as just setting the scene and then his son Ukko, gets to inherit the whole sorry mess.
 

tuore

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I can't believe the king is called Kettu... that's not a name! It means "Fox" in Finnish.
 

loki100

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I can't believe the king is called Kettu... that's not a name! It means "Fox" in Finnish.

Could be worse. could be called. 'Petra Karlsson'

Or even worse... He could be called... well, maybe it's better that I won't say it.

I think its how CK is treating the primary title, ever since I picked up the King of Finland title (& then promptly lost almost all of it), more & more of the Rurikovichs have been Finnish off the game engine. I've fiddled a bit with the save file (but thats a couple of kings away) to see if I can reset it to a more Russian title.

Given the response to another thread around the creative use of Finnish, I'd rather it was left to the readers imagination.

So up next, Kettu comes very near to wrecking the entire realm:
 

loki100

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Kettu, 1150-51, short but very bloody

Scene I: Sounds of shouting, howling and general chaos in the vestibule of Hell, Harry is assigning the recently claimed to their particular torments.

Right pack her off to level II – lustful doesn’t even begin to cover the half of it …

Him, Circle VIII, bowge 4, at least I think what he was doing to the chicken was an attempt at magic,

Dmitri, ah yes, Dmitri, for you … Circle IX, fourth level, don’t look surprised, simple murder is nothing compared to treachery to your lawful liege Kettu, when you left him in the lurch

You, demon-muffin, have you found Beelzebub yet? … well I want him and Astarte

Scene II: An isolated tower in the city of Dis, Beelzebub and Astarte are either (a) planning more mischief, or, (b) hiding as they are afraid they’ve messed it up

“What do you reckon”?

“Well one of my girls says he’s in a foul mood, one of the damned complained and found themselves shifted down two levels, but he has quite a lot of them, various Russians, Norwegians, Danes, all up on charges of murder and whatever”

“Has he got Kettu”?

“Not sure ….”

There is a sudden drop in the temperature, and a scaly figure moves into the room

“Ah, you two, hiding?”

“What, oh no Harry of course not, so … Kettu”?

“Oh you want to know about Kettu then”?

Ok, I’ll give you some details, especially as its all pretty funny, you see by 1150 his kingdom was being overrun, although some of his enemies were a bit pathetic:



But, him and the Danes were trading assassinations and wrecking each others realms, in a manner one can only approve of:




It seemed as if the Italians really weren't up to these levels of violence:



Which allowed him to escalate the assassinations with the new cash:




With retaliations:



and responses:



About this time, the Swedes were bribed into peace and the remaining bits of the Danish royal family just gave up, fearing for their lives:



But, just as it settled down to a war between him and Norway, another bunch of Italians joined in:



Anyway, there he was, fighting a defensive war around Novgorod, and had managed to invade Norway, during which he abandoned one of his commanders who’d been captured:



And then Dmitri, who in one sense was at the root of all this, ran off to join his estranged, and now independent, wife in Karelia:



Of course, just as aside, Feodosia died soon after that too.

So he broke various Church rules on simony (again):



Well that money too was quickly spent on keeping an army in the field and more assassinations. The problem was that without Dmitri to protect him, one finally got to him:




Yes that’s all so fascinating, Harry, but look he’s up for heresy, murder, assassinating his sister, usury, perhaps a few other bits, so where are you putting him?

Well Beezie-my-boy, that’s the problem. I don’t actually have him.

Oh.

You see it was all rather confusing at the end, There were just so many dead, most of them coming our way, that he … well he sort of slipped out the back. I was organising the demons, checking the lists, I could really have done with you two to help out, and, in the confusion he slipped off.

Do you think Gabi has him?

Don’t think so, I know he’s relaxing the entry rules quite a lot, by if he lets Kettu in, its going to be none too safe up there, once he settles down and starts on a new killing spree. At least we’re used to dealing with crazed killers around here.

Scene 3: Somewhere in heaven

You did what?

I smuggled him out in all the confusion.

And

Well I was having him escorted to the second ledge in Purgatory, you know the one where we store the late repenters, and … well he went missing

But he hadn’t repented?

Well not yet, buts thats a small technicality really

So we now have a crazed psychotic killer loose somewhere in eternity, you’d better warn the Buddhists in case he nips over there and tries for reincarnation.

Will Kettu come back, and if so as what? What will Ukko do with the mess he’s just inherited? Will Harry’s lack of success spark a demonic revolt?
 

Stuyvesant

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That was inspired! :) It seems these goody two-shoe angels are none too bright, if they smuggle the likes of Kettu into their realm (not to mention rather greedy for souls: isn't there something against that in most religions?).

The image of a deranged murderer like Kettu running unfettered and wild through Heaven is rather appealing - in a really bad, rubbernecking 'Oh my God I can't believe they let this happen' kind of way. The idea that he might reincarnate is priceless - of course, if he were following the precepts of Buddhism, he'd be coming back like a homicidal tapeworm or something lowly like that. ;)
 

nette001

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So we now have a crazed psychotic killer loose somewhere in eternity, you’d better warn the Buddhists in case he nips over there and tries for reincarnation.

Can't help it but I love that part.
 

morningSIDEr

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This has to be my favourite update yet, I have to agree that it is one of your best. The new style works brilliantly. More sir, more!
 

loki100

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Your finest update yet sir - congratulations!

That was inspired! :) It seems these goody two-shoe angels are none too bright, if they smuggle the likes of Kettu into their realm (not to mention rather greedy for souls: isn't there something against that in most religions?).

The image of a deranged murderer like Kettu running unfettered and wild through Heaven is rather appealing - in a really bad, rubbernecking 'Oh my God I can't believe they let this happen' kind of way. The idea that he might reincarnate is priceless - of course, if he were following the precepts of Buddhism, he'd be coming back like a homicidal tapeworm or something lowly like that. ;)

Can't help it but I love that part.

This has to be my favourite update yet, I have to agree that it is one of your best. The new style works brilliantly. More sir, more!

thank you one and all ... damn now I've got to maintain those standards? Have to see what can be done to bring Kettu back, do think he's set a bit of a challenge to the rest of his family.

how did you know it was a preserved reindeer penis?! :rofl:

well I don't know why you think it has anything to do with a reindeer?
 

loki100

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Ukko, was he really this unlucky?

Scene 1: The Throne Room in Hell

Harry, why aren’t you at the start of the trial?

Oh I don’t know, my heart really isn’t in it this time

Your heart? You’re meant to be the Prince of Darkness, you’re not meant to have a ‘heart’. Our job is to be out there tempting, leading them to evil, filling up hell

Yes, yes I know, but Beelzebub, look he inherited a realm from that psycho Kettu … by the way has anyone found him yet?

Well Astarte heard a rumour that Gabi is out of favour, it seems as if his relaxation of the entry rules went too far, especially as they lost him, before he could be safely impounded.

Anyway look, Ukko inherited all these wars, and then his general ran off, obviously knew what was coming:



He had his provinces looted



Was invaded by most of Italy



This sort of thing happened to him



A huge mob of Sicilians turned up to loot the North



He gets told his child is a bastard



And then just as some semblance of peace returns



Well, ok you’re right, I’d better go up and there and at least put in a bid for his soul.

Scene 2: A room in Dis

He’s going soft I tell you, he was going on about feeling sorry for some mortal. All these damned he keeps on losing, I’m sure that, desirably Satanic, edge is deserting him.

Sounds like we need to sharpen up our technique, perhaps we need fresh blood at the top?

Could be Astarte my dear, could be

Don’t you dear me, fly-boy.

Ok ok, look try and find Kettu, if we are to … well you know, it would help to have a proven mass murderer on our side. In the meantime check out if that muffin demon is on for a bit of a rebellion.

Scene 3: The judgement room

A new innovation since the loss of Kettu, the dead are now chained and put behind bars, in case they try to escape before they are properly allocated. The two clerks are sitting staring at Ukko who is behind the bars.

“Well shall we just get started. Looks like none of the bigwigs want to really bother about this one”

“Ok, oi, Ukko, seems you had a bad time of it down there … like to tell us what really happened?”

So, was it really that bad for Ukko? Did nothing go right for him? If no one wants him, where does he end up? Is the demonic revolt more than just words?

 

Sophilia

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Well, that's a rather short reign, seemingly full of suffering, misery, and undeserved death. Would be the kinda thing Gabi likes, but he's in the doghouse due to Kettu. And Harry's going to have his hands full with the devil revolt. Wherever could Ukko end up?

Perhaps I could, shall we say, put in the fix?

Oh, go back to R'lyeh. Interpantheonic politics is already screwed up enough without YOU in the mix.
 

Stuyvesant

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Ukko's certainly had an eventful reign. Not peaceful, productive or successful, but certainly eventful. :)

I don't know what's more unbelieveable: that Ukko was such a powerless victim of the fates (certainly doesn't seem to fit the usual Rurikovich 'kill-em-all-and-let-God-sort-them-out' mould), or that Harry is getting so very soft. I know he's had some hard knocks lately, but boy, he needs to shape up! I mean, Prince of Darkness and all that lark, the tough stuff goes with the job!

Anyway, looking forward to more revelations about Ukko and finding out where he ends up. :)
 

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Poor Ukko. He's got a name that sounds like a dog being sick...

In Dutch, 'ukkie' is a term like 'squirt' or 'short stuff', so I have a hard time picturing Ukko as anything other than a midget. Now complete with the sound of a dog being sick in the background. :)
 

unmerged(169228)

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Another great update Loki100. I've been following this AAR for a while, if anonimously. Love the antics of the Rurikovids and the celestial/infernal bureaucrats :D.

The 'Character writer of the week'-award is for you. Congratulations.
 

morningSIDEr

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Excellent update and congratulations loki! Very much deserved.