Scene I: Sounds of shouting, howling and general chaos in the vestibule of Hell, Harry is assigning the recently claimed to their particular torments.
Right pack her off to level II – lustful doesn’t even begin to cover the half of it …
Him, Circle VIII, bowge 4, at least I think what he was doing to the chicken was an attempt at magic,
Dmitri, ah yes, Dmitri, for you … Circle IX, fourth level, don’t look surprised, simple murder is nothing compared to treachery to your lawful liege Kettu, when you left him in the lurch
You, demon-muffin, have you found Beelzebub yet? … well I want him and Astarte
Scene II: An isolated tower in the city of Dis, Beelzebub and Astarte are either (a) planning more mischief, or, (b) hiding as they are afraid they’ve messed it up
“What do you reckon”?
“Well one of my girls says he’s in a foul mood, one of the damned complained and found themselves shifted down two levels, but he has quite a lot of them, various Russians, Norwegians, Danes, all up on charges of murder and whatever”
“Has he got Kettu”?
“Not sure ….”
There is a sudden drop in the temperature, and a scaly figure moves into the room
“Ah, you two, hiding?”
“What, oh no Harry of course not, so … Kettu”?
“Oh you want to know about Kettu then”?
Ok, I’ll give you some details, especially as its all pretty funny, you see by 1150 his kingdom was being overrun, although some of his enemies were a bit pathetic:
But, him and the Danes were trading assassinations and wrecking each others realms, in a manner one can only approve of:
It seemed as if the Italians really weren't up to these levels of violence:
Which allowed him to escalate the assassinations with the new cash:
With retaliations:
and responses:
About this time, the Swedes were bribed into peace and the remaining bits of the Danish royal family just gave up, fearing for their lives:
But, just as it settled down to a war between him and Norway, another bunch of Italians joined in:
Anyway, there he was, fighting a defensive war around Novgorod, and had managed to invade Norway, during which he abandoned one of his commanders who’d been captured:
And then Dmitri, who in one sense was at the root of all this, ran off to join his estranged, and now independent, wife in Karelia:
Of course, just as aside, Feodosia died soon after that too.
So he broke various Church rules on simony (again):
Well that money too was quickly spent on keeping an army in the field and more assassinations. The problem was that without Dmitri to protect him, one finally got to him:
Yes that’s all so fascinating, Harry, but look he’s up for heresy, murder, assassinating his sister, usury, perhaps a few other bits, so where are you putting him?
Well Beezie-my-boy, that’s the problem. I don’t actually have him.
Oh.
You see it was all rather confusing at the end, There were just so many dead, most of them coming our way, that he … well he sort of slipped out the back. I was organising the demons, checking the lists, I could really have done with you two to help out, and, in the confusion he slipped off.
Do you think Gabi has him?
Don’t think so, I know he’s relaxing the entry rules quite a lot, by if he lets Kettu in, its going to be none too safe up there, once he settles down and starts on a new killing spree. At least we’re used to dealing with crazed killers around here.
Scene 3: Somewhere in heaven
You did what?
I smuggled him out in all the confusion.
And
Well I was having him escorted to the second ledge in Purgatory, you know the one where we store the late repenters, and … well he went missing
But he hadn’t repented?
Well not yet, buts thats a small technicality really
So we now have a crazed psychotic killer loose somewhere in eternity, you’d better warn the Buddhists in case he nips over there and tries for reincarnation.
Will Kettu come back, and if so as what? What will Ukko do with the mess he’s just inherited? Will Harry’s lack of success spark a demonic revolt?
And that murder rate is nothing the sneeze at - do you have enough court members to counter the steady attrition?
