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loki100

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Well, that's a rather short reign, seemingly full of suffering, misery, and undeserved death. Would be the kinda thing Gabi likes, but he's in the doghouse due to Kettu. And Harry's going to have his hands full with the devil revolt. Wherever could Ukko end up?

Perhaps I could, shall we say, put in the fix?

Oh, go back to R'lyeh. Interpantheonic politics is already screwed up enough without YOU in the mix.

Ukko's certainly had an eventful reign. Not peaceful, productive or successful, but certainly eventful. :)

I don't know what's more unbelieveable: that Ukko was such a powerless victim of the fates (certainly doesn't seem to fit the usual Rurikovich 'kill-em-all-and-let-God-sort-them-out' mould), or that Harry is getting so very soft. I know he's had some hard knocks lately, but boy, he needs to shape up! I mean, Prince of Darkness and all that lark, the tough stuff goes with the job!

Anyway, looking forward to more revelations about Ukko and finding out where he ends up. :)

Well, I've taken note, Ukko may yet break new ground in terms of both the enthusiasm with which they all tussle for his soul and where he actually ends up

Poor Ukko. He's got a name that sounds like a dog being sick and he was seemingly carried along on the tail coats of fate.

And now he's stuck in a cage. Almost seems like a mercy to hand him over to Harry!

What're you smoking Iain. Send the boy to Valhalla!

In Dutch, 'ukkie' is a term like 'squirt' or 'short stuff', so I have a hard time picturing Ukko as anything other than a midget. Now complete with the sound of a dog being sick in the background. :)

You two are soooo cruel, imagine the impact that sort of comment might have had on a poor lad growing up in castle stalked by homicidal maniacs (both his own family and those trying to kill them)

Another great update Loki100. I've been following this AAR for a while, if anonimously. Love the antics of the Rurikovids and the celestial/infernal bureaucrats :D.

The 'Character writer of the week'-award is for you. Congratulations.

Excellent update and congratulations loki! Very much deserved.

Thanks, I'm really rather surprised, not least as I sort of don't even think I've been writing 'characters', but on reading back a bit, it seems to have slowly mutated that way. Odd how AARs develop away from what you envisaged, and seem to take on a style very much of their own.

So the rest of Ukko's short, tragic, rather pointless life up next
 

loki100

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Ukko, 1151-1154, not much went right for him

Scene 1: The trial, only the 2 nameless bureaucrats are present, Ukko is chained to the bench and behind bars

Ok Ukko, could you fill in a few bits of details?

Well there I was, daddy having been murdered, 16 and already with grey hairs, I mean I think I’d already survived two assassination attempts during his reign



And I’d had a really bad time of it at school you know. There were these boys who spoke dialects of medieval German – one reckoned my name sounded like a dog throwing up, the other that I was a bit of a runt (1). As you can see that wasn’t true.

We can’t sir, you’re sitting down so it’s a bit hard to gauge your height.

So there was the Italian problem

Yes we know all about that

The ‘bastard’ problem

Yep we know about that too

The marshall problem

No that sounds new, tell us more

Well one died of old age, and another, you know this is hard to believe, died in battle:



Ah, I think we could have guessed that would have happened to be honest, you see its a sort of family heirloom event

Then another feigned illness to get out of the war



Sensible really

And then there was the war with Pereyaslavl, I lost the first big battle



Won a second at Vyazma



But even then I got no credit



And then I was murdered, didn't help that when I cried out for help no one seemed to hear due to my lisping



Ok sir, we’ll see where you belong for the rest of eternity then. Tricky this one, what with your persecution complex and feeling sorry for yourself, and lack of any actual achievements – either good or bad.

Scene 2: Heaven

Here’s the report.

Ummh, not really one for us is he?

I mean do you see him inspiring the faithful, leading our armies, defending the faith?


Scene 3: Hell

Beelzebub, go get me that Italian bloke, you know the one who understands the filing system down here

Ah Dante, ok whats the appropriate punishment for being pathetic and a total loser?

Oh right,

Harry, you can’t let him go

Oh yes I can, anyway we want the top talent down here, not some utter loser who couldn’t even manage adultery, I mean what are the Rurikovichs coming to? No sex, no killing his near relatives, no extorting cash from the church, no aggressive wars, no not really our type at all.

Scene 4: Hel

Hel and Freya have gone to visit Boris

How do you fancy sharing with your Grandson?

Sounds ok … what was he like?

Have a look

Don’t really think so, no commitment to the old gods and even the one battle he won, everyone thinks he ran away, not even a creative baggage train looting like Mstislav, bit of a whimp, worrying to see the dynasty producing such a ruler, I mean what was the point to marrying all those crazed Greek women if it ends up like this.

Scene 5: The trial room

Look Ukko, this is a bit unusual, but none of the usual ones seem to want you. We’re going to have to send your file to some of the more exotic corners to see if you fit their criteria. You’ll have to wait here for a bit whilst the answers come back.

Has Ukko set a new standard for the family to follow? If he’d lived, would he have shown more promise? Which corner of eternity might fancy him?

[1] quick footnote, for the avoidance of doubt, I'm not implying that modern Dutch is a dialect of German, but that medieval Dutch and what became Lowland Scots are both related to medieval German. Just to lessen the doubt a wee bit more, my partner is Dutch, but next time you read Burns (to be recommended) look at the sentence structure and words in use.
 

morningSIDEr

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not even a creative baggage train looting like Mstislav

tch, youngsters these days - not even able to raid their own baggage trains.

Excellent update!
 

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tch, youngsters these days - not even able to raid their own baggage trains.
When you write it like that, it sounds rather filthy... :p

My apologies, I really shouldn't, but I couldn't help myself. Shades of a very (very) old detour in AARland - the original post has been deleted but the fallout is still there. Start at post 5. :)

Regarding the Dutch/Germanic thing: no offense taken. They're two languages, but very closely related. 'tis A simple fact, no matter how much some people in the Netherlands might choose to disagree. :)

Well, lil' Ukko sure is having a rough time of it. All those rejections will do nothing for his already low selfesteem. :p
 

loki100

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tch, youngsters these days - not even able to raid their own baggage trains.

When you write it like that, it sounds rather filthy... :p

My apologies, I really shouldn't, but I couldn't help myself. Shades of a very (very) old detour in AARland - the original post has been deleted but the fallout is still there. Start at post 5. :)

Well, lil' Ukko sure is having a rough time of it. All those rejections will do nothing for his already low selfesteem. :p

It may be that raiding your own baggage train is one of those east coast obsenities, bit like 'getting off at Haymarket'? Which only makes sense, of course, if you know the layout of the Glasgow-Edinburgh train network.

Send him off to Limbo for eternity!!!

only problem is Limbo is where Gabi is stacking up his growing collection of Rurikovichs ... on which subject, heres the first sighting of Toikka, son of Ukko:
 
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Harry's version

Scene 1: The trial room, Toikka is led in chains and meets Ukko still chained to his seat.

Oh hallo dad, really didn’t expect to see you here. So whats next?

Well the idea is that they discuss where you belong for eternity, it’s a sort of judgement on your mortal life.

Is it a slow process … I mean what are you doing here?

Well I’m a bit unusual

Oh that’s not fair

No no, what I mean is normally these trials end in a big punch up, Satan, who’s actually quite an affable cove called Harry and a big whig Angel, Gabi, usually have a fight over who gets your soul. I’ve heard there is some slightly mad long haired woman gets in on it too.

But why are you still here?

Well so far, they are all fighting not to take me – seems I failed to do anything really remarkable as I was so busy sorting out the mess of your psychotic Grandfather, Kettu.

But you had such plans, rebuild the army, grab Estonia, push the kingdom into the Baltic regions

Ah, I don’t think they realised that I had plans, especially not plans for large scale realm expansion.

Oh so you’re here for how long?

Dunno really.

Whats that you were reading?

Oh it’s a sort of demon newspaper – The Beast, some passing demon gave it to me. Actually if its correct it looks like your fate has been decided.

"Let me see, oh", starts reading aloud:

“Our nobel liege Harry is proud to announce the latest addition to our ranks and hopes that all the demons and the other damned will make Toikku welcome in his new home. Just to give you some idea of his CV, there is

SEX:









BETRAYAL





MURDER





AGGRESSIVE WARS





INJURED MARSHALLS





WITCHCRAFT




Oh, this is rather bad isn’t it?

Don’t worry son, your Grandfather got off much worse

Kettu, how?

Well not so much got off, as escaped, but much the same thing

Act 2: Dis, Beelzebub and Astarte are looking at the latest edition of the Beast.

Harry seems rather sure of himself, publishing this before the trial?

Maybe he’s cut a deal with Gabi to hush up the mistake with Kettu?

Well if he doesn’t bring this one down here then ….

How close is Hell to revolt? Is it really that clearcut over Toikka? Will someone take pity on Ukko?

 

unmerged(174159)

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Send Ukko to.... Hel. The dull boring bit.

Its people who die in their sleep, or just never really amounted to much...
 

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The Ukko-Spawn is a sight more impressive than good ol' Ukko himself! It really ought to be a clear decision for Harry, but knowing our history, I doubt he'll have the satisfaction. And then... Rebellion in Hell?

Ukko, it seems, has been condemned to be in limbo before he even gets to Limbo proper (Limbo's limbo? Proto-Limbo?), which seems a fitting punishment for as passive a Rurikovich as himself. :)
 

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This AAR is awesome, but I have a huge problem with the amount of the pictures.
I see 10% of the 10% of pictures. :p
 

morningSIDEr

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Now here is a true Rurikovich! I feel hugely sorry for that second Marshall. There seems to be a bit of a bug though, I rather think 'Groin Injury' would drop fertility down a good deal more than -3!

Excellent update.
 

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What mod are you using? I don't recognize a lot of those events.
 

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Glad to see the Rurikids are back to being total jackasses. Injured marshals having their own section is a nice touch. I wonder how Harry's going to get his claim ruined this time. Perhaps he gets shafted by the revolting demons? (I am well aware that the Lord of the Flies is always revolting, but you know what I mean.)

As for Ukko, he deserves a chance at reincarnation so he can be properly judged on the next go round. Of course, given his rank, station, and temperament, he may require a period of corrective labor first.
 

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Send Ukko to.... Hel. The dull boring bit.
Its people who die in their sleep, or just never really amounted to much...
Ukko, it seems, has been condemned to be in limbo before he even gets to Limbo proper (Limbo's limbo? Proto-Limbo?), which seems a fitting punishment for as passive a Rurikovich as himself. :)
As for Ukko, he deserves a chance at reincarnation so he can be properly judged on the next go round. Of course, given his rank, station, and temperament, he may require a period of corrective labor first.

I need to think about how to 'dispose' of Ukko, Dante had a small section of upper Hell for those who didn't amount to much and could never make up their minds ... so that could be the place. I don't think he was even sufficiently pagan to warrant being handed over to Freya and Hel.

The Ukko-Spawn is a sight more impressive than good ol' Ukko himself! It really ought to be a clear decision for Harry, but knowing our history, I doubt he'll have the satisfaction. And then... Rebellion in Hell?

Glad to see the Rurikids are back to being total jackasses. Injured marshals having their own section is a nice touch. I wonder how Harry's going to get his claim ruined this time. Perhaps he gets shafted by the revolting demons? (I am well aware that the Lord of the Flies is always revolting, but you know what I mean.

Now here is a true Rurikovich!

Ah but don't forget this is Harry's version, it may be a wee bit biased, especially given how keen he is to impress the rest of Hell that he can still, so to speak, bring home the bacon. Gabi's version is up next, hopefully later today, maybe Monday and its a bit different in a few critical points.

I feel hugely sorry for that second Marshall. There seems to be a bit of a bug though, I rather think 'Groin Injury' would drop fertility down a good deal more than -3!

He has a prosthesis.

He wasn't known thereafter as Lempi the limpy just because he had a bad leg you know ..;)

This AAR is awesome, but I have a huge problem with the amount of the pictures.
I see 10% of the 10% of pictures. :p

Glad you like it. I use imageshack which can be rather temperamental about what comes up, but all the shots are .png so relatively small - I learnt my lesson about using the basic bmp files a while back.

What mod are you using? I don't recognize a lot of those events.


Aye, its DV, plus the basic improvement mod, I'm not sure how different they are as I never played CK itself and really haven't had a lot of experience with vanilla DV.
 

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Gabi's version

Scene: Heaven, but not really one of its better corners.

Gabi, there is no way are we letting you go to this trial on your own. Quite happy to have let in a few borderline cases but, you know, we have a reputation to maintain, here … in heaven, and letting in crazed killers who murdered their own sisters, is a little …

But, to be fair, we didn’t let him in

No, that’s technically true, we would have had, but you’ve lost him

Ok, what do you have on Toikka then?

Well, it looks like he was the paragon of what a noble Christian ruler should have been:

HAPPY PEASANTS





PROPER MARRIAGE(S)









DUE ATTENTION TO THE NEEDS OF THE CHURCH



I mean look, not only did he tithe money over, he even appointed a chaste bishop:






UNPROVOKED ATTACKS BY (OBVIOUSLY) DEMONICALLY CRAZED VASSALS







His own daughter, Pryr too:



NOBILITY OF JUDGEMENT



SO PEACEFUL HIS MARSHALLS DIED OF OLD AGE





Well Gabi that does sound good. Are you sure that this is a complete record though? It looks like … ummh here we are, he had 2 wives, Sofia and Feodosia ..

Ah yes, but not at the same time, so nothing to worry about really

And all his wars were defensive? You’re sure there are no Mstislav-style maps setting out his plans for future conquests?

Well no of course not, all my spies stressed that he was merely afflicted with childish rebellions, I’m sure a ruler as committed to his people as Toikka would never have sought a war.

Ok, yes yes, I see, well Gabi it looks like Toikka is the exemplar of Christian virtue, no time in Purgatory for this one, we’ll have him straight up here then … well go, go on, and well done Gabi, we were obviously wrong to have doubted you.

Toikka can't have been this noble, surely? If he goes straight to heaven, where does that leave Ukko? Is Gabi trying too hard to provoke a revolt in Hell?
 
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Hmm... nothing.
Just the usual tsuhna-madness. :p

The Finnish names don't make any sense. :cool:
 

tuore

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Hmm... nothing.
Just the usual tsuhna-madness. :p

The Finnish names don't make any sense. :cool:

I agree. Toikka? Venla? Why don't they use proper names, like Matti, Heikki, Matias etc.? Eu3 also has names like Väinämöinen :wacko:.
 

Enewald

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I agree. Toikka? Venla? Why don't they use proper names, like Matti, Heikki, Matias etc.? Eu3 also has names like Väinämöinen :wacko:.

Because those names you proposed are Christian names, but CK has old paganish names. :p
Or some gibberish. :cool: