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    Real Strategy Requires Cunning

unmerged(47946)

Captain
Aug 26, 2005
491
0
Okay, this is my first AAR, and if you haven't guessed by now, I'm gonna do Communist China. I've got DD 1.2... so here goes.

Welcome to Red Star Over China, the real reason why HOI2 is banned in China!

As for the title, I apologize to anyone I may have stolen it from, accidentally or intentionally, including but not limited to Edgar Snow.

Table of Contents

Chapter 1: The fourth wall
Chapter 2: Starting out
Chapter 3: Some sort of incident at Xi'an
Chapter 4: Why they call him Wang/Dick (or Neville Chamberlain is a pussy, part I)
Chapter 5: The Second Amendment
Chapter 6: Enter Little Bottle
Chapter 7: A foolish wager?
Chapter 8: AARnAARthAAR ChAARpter
Chapter 9: Tuva or Bust!
Chapter 10: Super Ma Bros!
Chapter 11: Snakes on a Plane!
Chapter 12: A Delorean made by Newfies
Chapter 13: Of Poland and Peru
Chapter 14: Jackie and Jesus Toast
Chapter 15: BYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
Chapter 16: Two Erec... Elections (or Neville Chamberlain is a pussy, part 2)
Chapter 17: The Three (or four) Stooges
Chapter 18: I can't believe it's not chicken!
Chapter 19: Brave Zhu De
Chapter 20: And now, for something completely different
Chapter 21: The Maohawk
Chapter 22: The Summer Government
Chapter 23: Chiang Kai-Shek: frickin' idiot
Chapter 24: Worst Alfonso ever.
Chapter 25: Goring the Hutt (or Neville Chamberlain is a pussy, part 3)
Chapter 26: Much (more) ado about Spain
Chapter 27: The meaning of life
Chapter 28: It's gotta be steroids
Chapter 29: You just assumed I couldn't
Chapter 30: The most violent update ever
Chapter 31: Get on with it!
School sucks: A slightly humorous intermission and public service announcement
Chapter 32: A little slow


With Guest Appearances by:
Samuel L. Jackson
Chuck Norris
Jackie Chan
Chris Tucker
Owen Wilson
Verne Troyer
Billy Mays
Joe Pesci
Frank Vincent

and a special guest appearance on toast by:
Jesus

and a special guest appearance on Jesus by:
Roy Orbison


A couple tents somewhere in Shaanxi, December 31, 1935, 11:59 pm


Several of Mao's closest followers were celebrating the ringing in of the new year on a chilly Shaanxi night. Mao glanced at his watch and began counting down with the rest of his followerd. "... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... HAPPY NEW YEAR!"

Wang Jiaxiang approaches Mao as he takes a shot of vodka to ring in the new year. "Chairman, why are we celebrating the New Year now? Chinese new year isn't for another couple months."

"It's an excuse to drink, Wang," Mao replied.

"But shouldn't you be focusing on the war?"

"War?" replied Mao, as he took another shot.

"You know, trying to liberate China from the evil capitalist scumbag, Chiang Kai-Shek?"

"Oh, right, that. I'll deal with it in the morning."

Wang let out a sigh. "You could take this war a bit more seriously, you know. I mean, we didn't march 6000 miles all the way to the middle of nowhere for nothing."

"I said I'd deal with it in the morn-" Mao looked up as an unknown man entered the tents. The devilishly handsome man was wearing a green trench coat and was carrying a large box. "Who the hell are you?" asked Mao.

"Whoa, you speak English?" replied the stranger in perfect Chinese.

"No, I'm speaking Chinese and so are you," replied a confused Mao in perfect English. "I don't know any English."

"Oh, right the universal translator," mumbled the stranger. "I got a universal translator, like on Star Trek, so we can understand each other, even though I don't speak Chinese and you don't speak English."

"What is Star Trek?" asked Wang.

"Never mind. Anyways, I've come to make a deal with you. Basically, I can guide these few tents in Shaanxi into becoming a great power and liberating billions of people from capitalism."

"What do you want in return?" asked Mao.

"I just want to be able to write an AAR about it. And free Chinese food for life at my local restaurant. You folks sure know how to cook."

"Deal!" shouted Mao.

"Damn, I should have asked for some tea... no... all the tea. Ah well, too late, and I'm a coffee drinker anyways." replied the stranger. "Now, let me set up my computer and-"

"What is a computer?" asked Mao.

"Don't worry, you can research them later on, under Secret Weapons."

"Ok. One more question?"

"Yes?"

"What is your name?"

"Comrade Brian."

"Dude, writing yourself into your own AAR is lame," said Li Kenong, who had been listening the whole time.

"Shut up, so is breaking the fourth wall."

"Touche."

"Great, now lets get down to business," replied Comrade Brian as he opened his box and searched for an electrical outlet to plug his computer in to...
 
Last edited:

Spitfire_Pilot

Canadian Nationalist
Jun 18, 2005
1.655
0
Haha nice start there. Good luck on this AAR, and isnt Chaing more of a Nationalist then Capitalist ? :p
 

GeneralHannibal

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What's the forth wall.
 

unmerged(47162)

Missing my avatar
Aug 4, 2005
7.251
0
:rofl: :rofl: pfft shoulda gotten a laptop :p
wikipedia said:
It[the fourth wall] refers to a character directly addressing an audience, or actively acknowledging (through breaking character or through dialogue) that the characters and action are not real. The audience is made explicitly aware of the fact that they are viewing fiction.
The sudden breaking of the fourth wall is often employed for comical effect
 

unmerged(47946)

Captain
Aug 26, 2005
491
0
Spitfire_Pilot,

Yeah, but... uhhhhh... he's a capitalist too! :p

GeneralHannibal,

what lifeless said

lifeless,

Yeah, but where am I going to get a laptop battery charges in Shaanxi :p

Oh, and this might sound like a stupid question, but does anyone know how to take screenshots in HOI? Thanks.
 

unmerged(47162)

Missing my avatar
Aug 4, 2005
7.251
0
f11 for map and stuff but for screenshots of events and the journaly thing with the army sizes youll have to printscreen and paste. at least thats how it is with my comp. then just host and there you go!
 

unmerged(47946)

Captain
Aug 26, 2005
491
0
lifeless said:
f11 for map and stuff but for screenshots of events and the journaly thing with the army sizes youll have to printscreen and paste. at least thats how it is with my comp. then just host and there you go!

f11... thanks!
 

unmerged(47946)

Captain
Aug 26, 2005
491
0
Failing in his attempt to find an electrical outlet (this was a tent in Shaanxi in 1936, remember), Comrade Brian finds the next best thing, a lemon. Remembering his 7th grade science class, he jams the prongs on his power bar into the lemon and sets up his computer.

"Where did you get that lemon?" asked the Armaments Minister, Lin Boiju. The lemon had obviously piques his interest, since his troops had exhausted their lemon supply 3 months ago and had to make do with inferior citrus fruit.

"Mao gave it to me," replied Comrade Brian, as he pressed the power button on his computer. It came to life, and all the ministers in the ruling cabinet of Communist China anxiously watched as he loaded a program called "Hearts of Iron 2: Doomsday"

"What is that?" asked Mao, a man who had never seen such advanced technology in his life.

"I told you already, it's a computer." Comrade Brian looked around at the politicians who were standing there, slack jawed, staring at the screen. "Okay, I need reports from you all on our situation. Foreign minister Wang Jiaxiang, what is the situation on the diplomatic front.... hehe... Wang."

"Well, we're at war with Chiang and the Mas in the Northwest. Yan Xishan is letting Chiang's troops pass through his territory, and beyond that, everyone hates us except for the Soviet Union and maybe Mongolia and Tannu Tuva. And don't call me Wang. I hate having the same name as a slang for the male anatomy."

"Okay, what should I call you then?"

"I prefer being called Dick."

"Whatever you say, Dick. Lin, what's the state of our weaponry?"

"Well, we got a bunch of INF '36 and a few MTN, which are superior to anything Chiang or the other warlords have. Unfortunately, we can't quite build them yet, we only have the technology to build INF '18."

"Okay, get to work researching INF '36. You have a blueprint, so it shouldn't take too long." replied Comrade Brian. "In the meantime, work on some militia."





"Oooh! Oooh!" shouted Ziao Jingguang and Fang Zeyi in unison.

"What is it?"

"We want to report on the state of the navy!" shouted Ziao.

"And the Air Force!" added Fang.

Comrade Brian let out a sigh. "Ziao, we're landlocked, and you're the chief of the navy? What the hell do you do all day? Same for you, Fang. We don't have a plane, do we even have an airfield?"

"Well, we do have that flat spot a few miles north of here," replied Fang.

"And let me guess, that's all the both of you have to report. A flat spot that we might be able to land planes on if we had any and a piece of wood floating down the river? Is that your entire report? Did I guess right?" shouted Comrade Brian.

"Whoa, you must be telepathic or something," replied Ziao as Fang tried to shut him up.

"Whatever. Now, where's Zhu De? He's supposed to be running the army."

"Oh, he's over there," said Mao as he pointed towards a man who had passed out on the ground. Someone had drawn a wang, er, dick, er, part of the male anatomy on his face.

"That's your chief of of staff AND chief of the army?" Comrade Brian asked, surprised at the incompetence he had seen. "Well, I'm taking command here. We're gonna head west and see if we can annex the Mas before the Xian incident fires, and try to hold Chiang's forces off at the river."



"Xian incident?" asked Dick

"Oh, I'm not supposed to tell you, if you know, that could alter history."

"But aren't you altering history by coming back in time to help us anyways?" asked Li Kenong.

"Well... uh... just shut up the both of you, ok?" Comrade Brian looked over at Mao. "Okay, now you just move your slider over one notch to interventionism, ok?" he asked.

"You got it." replied Mao, who jotted down a few notes in a thick red book labeled "Policy of the CCP."



"Hmmm, that was fast", mumbled Comrade Brian as he looked over his computer. If only I didn't spend my laptop money on beer, he thought as he ordered all his troops to march West...
 

stnylan

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Another Communist China AAR - excellent.
 

unmerged(51967)

Lt. General
Dec 23, 2005
1.367
1
Heh, i usually cut the nat's off at tianshui and hold the fort at Xianyang.

But yeah, good luck. You planning to fight against japan or alongside them but not allied.
 

unmerged(47946)

Captain
Aug 26, 2005
491
0
stnylan,

Thanks... hopefully this goes well...

Michaeru,

Note to self... make sure I don't accidentally interfere with my mother and father meeting up in 1955 and have to make them kiss or else I disappear... then get in my Delorean (or the Communist Chinese version, the De-Lin Biao) and... yeah

gosam,

Thanks

Tribolute,

Well, in the next update coming tonight, we have a bit of a surprise twist (surprise even for me)...

lifeless,

Thanks... I might need it.

flange3,

Thanks... CHC is one of my favorite countries to play because of its weak start but enormous potential... I have to try CCIP one of these days, though... I hate not having a choice in some events.
 

unmerged(27576)

Lt. General
Apr 5, 2004
1.333
0
interesting, stick wit it, going west could be hazard-some, and East has some good IC, but will make lots of enemys :(
 

unmerged(47946)

Captain
Aug 26, 2005
491
0
Spacehusky,

Thanks!

deltren,

going west worked for me last time I played CHC... it closed off one front, took out CXB, doubled my IC, and I figure it'll allow me to better focus on Chiang. Lets see how it goes...
 

unmerged(47946)

Captain
Aug 26, 2005
491
0
Yan'an, March 4, 1936

"Isn't it a beautiful day for a meeting of the CCP," Mao mused out loud.

"Yeah, yeah," muttered Comrade Brian as he looked over his troop movements, then looked up at Mao. "Hmmm, according to this, you're both here in the capital, running our pathetic little scrap of a country, and commanding 3 mountain divisions in Jinchang. How the hell is this possible?"

"What, there is another Mao Zedong?" asked Xie Juezai. "As minister of security, I find this very worrying."

"This must be my long lost brother!" shouted Mao. "We were Siamese twins and we got accidentally seperated when we were seven and he decided to run with scissors... or was it me... I don't remember."

"Wait, I didn't know you were from Siam," said Fang Zeyi.

"No, I'm from China, you moron. We were Chinese Siamese twins."

"Why do you have the same name too?" asked Comrade Brian.

"Well, when we came out, we were the first Chinese Siamese twins the doctor had seen, so he just assumed we were just one horribly disfigured baby."

"Wait, how can you be both Chinese and Siamese?" asked Fang.

"Why are you people so god damn stupid" muttered Comrade Brian as he ran his hand through his hair. "Just report on the state of the air force."

"Well, we've run into a problem. Our flat spot has been bombed by the Nationalists. They have these wierd machines that are like metal brids, and they fly around and bomb stuff."

"You mean an airplane?" asked Comrade Brian, in complete and utter shock at Fang's incompetence.

"Yeah, that's what it's called."

"Whatever. Ziao, just give me you re... you know what, never mind. It's probablt stupid and useless anyways."

"Awwww, don't you want to know about the situation with the rubber duckie?" replied Ziao.

"Nope. Now... hey, where's Wang. He's supposed to be here by--" Comrade Brian was cut short by the sound of Wang Jiaxiang frantically running into the tent holding a piece of paper.

"Guys, this is very important! Something crazy just went down at Xian!" he shouted, gasping for breath.

"What is it?" asked Comrade Brian.

"Nationalist China went with Arrest them all as traitors! in the Xi'an incident."

"Wait, what is the Xi'an incident," asked Mao.

"I don't know, something with Zhang Xueling and some kidnapping or something," replied Wang. "I don't know all the details, I only got the gist of it."

"Okay, what does this mean, Wang?" asked Comrade Brian.

"I don't know. But we're still at war and they're fascist now. And I told you to call me Dick"

"Crap, they usually go for Make Promises and Hedge Bets... well, this could turn to our advantage," said Comrade Brian as he drew out a plan in paint on a screenshot of Hearts of Iron. "Okay, here's the new plan. We defend this line and send our mountaineers into Dunhuang. They'll attack Golmud from there, and this other group will go for Xining later."



"Why don't we just take Xining now?" asked Zhu De.

"Because..." Comrade Brian didn't feel like explaining the mechanincs of Nationalist China and annexing the warlords to these people, especially Fang and Ziao. "For some reason that I don't feel like explaining to you right now, we have to take Xining and Golmud at the same time. Plus Dunhuang gives us a road that we can use to trade with Mongolia, Tannu Tuva, and the Soviet Union, the three countries that don't hate us. Got it?"

"Yeah, sure." muttered Zhu De.

"Okay, if there isn't any other important matters to attend to, I guess this meeting is adjourned and we can all go back to our respective--"

"The rubber duckie was sunk in a battle with several twigs!" shouted Ziao. "It's not my fault!"

"Thank you for that important update, relevant to the matters at hand." replied Comrade Brian. "Who put this guy in charge of the navy," he muttered, before he realized that since Fang and Ziao were so incompetent, that they at least couldn't do much harm running nonexistant branches.
 

stnylan

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Ahh well, sometimes the events do turn up a few surprises! ;)