CHAPTER XXIV: MAINZ
Part 2: Ancient Threats
(1785-1790)
Cruising for Trouble
Hi, folks.
Okay, I've scrubbed out my system and purged my notes, so we should have no more trouble from...
NO. Just No.
I mentioned last turn that our target would be Wurzburg, but I'm just not sure. A war with Wurzburg brings in the coalition (Brunswick, Palatinate) as well as some minor allies, none of which bother me too much, but Denmark does. My own ally, Spain, more than makes up for that...if they acknowledge the call to arms, and if they actually send meaningful forces to the combat theater. Spain's currently part of a multinational force kicking Britain while they're down, but they're also losing to Morocco and the Ottomans.
Then I notice Spain's allied with Denmark in that war versus Britain. Okay, this isn't going to work. Let's see..
We complete our mission to fortify Hessen province, then start our next task: Forging a claim on Trier (Palatinate). Irritating our rival sounds like great fun.
In February 1786 we complete said claim for another small mission bonus. This upsets our artisans, who don't like funding our aggressive behavior, so we execute a few to show that Mainz hasn't modernized all that much yet. (Stability to 0)
In June Liege finishes defeating Burgundy and takes some cash. Burgundy's now getting wrecked by Lorraine, France and Orleans. Have fun guys.
I have a new target in mind: Bavaria. The big obstacle to warring with Bavaria is Poland, but the Ottomans are rampaging through Polish territory at the moment. In preparation for prolonged hostilities I take Offense Idea-6 (Grand Army, +20% Land Forcelimits) and wait. By November we forge our claim on Ansbach, and I've ensured military access through Wurtemberg so I can carpet siege all of Bavaria. Poland's just peaced out, but are hopefully too exhausted to intervene. Spain's still fighting, but for the moment they appear to be winning against the Turk menace even though Spanish Lithuania is yet again carpet sieged.
What have I forgotten? Well, it can't be too important. Let's go.
Things Get Real
Ah, I've forgotten that Wurtemberg is in a PU under Poland and automatically joins in. Well, no matter. I'll just have to finish this war quickly. If you notice on the upper right, my 19K soldiers will march straight into 21K Bavarian defenders. We have the better leader, so while I expect this to be close I hope to pre...
Uhoh.
You know, I've had this feeling for awhile now that the game's actively trying to stop any big changes, or perhaps just frustrate me altogether. I know some of you have noticed this as well. I put it off to late game dynamism (or lack thereof), but now I'm starting to wonder. That's too bad. This time we will defy our fate! In December 1787 we hire 12K mercs!
By the end of December, Wurtemberg troops have killed about 8,000 of them before they could organize.
Then, in January...
Things get Ridiculous
Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me! Take Humanism and now everyone's afraid of the big bad modern archbishophric, as if there is such a thing!
Brunswick's buddies include the Palatinate, Wurzburg (of course), Austria and Bohemia. We're too modern for AUSTRIA?
By February I've pulled my 3K or so merc survivors to Pfalz. Well, the Austrians can't have that and move in with 11K. Miraculously a handful survive, but by April. Well, there's really no point in building any more troops is there?
Still, there is hope! Despite the 86K Wurzburg/Austrian/Bohemian army that travels up through Wurtemberg, THROUGH Mainz territory and keeps heading north, the Spanish have taken the field! They have an army of 33K! More than enough to scatter some of these smaller sieges.
On a lark I ask Bavaria what they want for peace in case it's reasonable. Well, it's not: They want me to give three provinces to their vassal, Hesse. No. I then offer to change religions for Brunswick, and they tell me that's not what they want.
Mainz: But...that's your CB!
Brunswick: Sorry, we have our orders.
Mainz: Orders? From who?
Brunswick: ...
Which means all those poor Spaniards and the last of my army die when the Austro-Bohemian-Wurzburg doomstack turns around.
Spain will make no more serious attempts to help me, and I kind of don't blame them. By August 1787, and how many times have I said this in this campaign, it's pretty hopeless.
Still, I have one card left to play. It's gamey, it's cheesy, but so is our situation.
Old Enemies Resurface
See, there are two coalitions fighting me - Bavaria's and Brunswick's. If neither of them rack up enough warscore to get what they want out of me, then someone's going to settle for a lesser peace. Hopefully by then the other alliance will be tired enough to settle as well. We may just be saved because EVERYONE wants us to suffer!
I spend 1788 telling myself that. We build a farm estate (Manufactory, +100% goods in Frankfurt) primarily to drain our treasury so our enemies won't get too much in the resulting peace. The farm estate will never be built as Frankfurt gets sieged months later. Scientists claim our production research is flawed. I tell them our research is fine, it's just that no one can go to work with armies rampaging through our country. By July 1788 four provinces are occupied, and by April 1789 we're down to one last hold out, Hessen, with 89K Bavarians/Palatinate/Wurzburg/Hessens sitting on it.
For some reason this makes our nobles nervous.
Really guys? What makes you think defense is a problem?
Then comes December 1789, one of the worst months of my EU 2-3-4 career.
It starts when Hessen falls. I was wrong about preventing either alliance from gaining enough war score, as Brunswick auto-peaces out by giving Pfalz to Palatinate. That's just great.
Then the Bavarian ambassador comes knocking: Surrender now, and we'll only take two provinces. And you know what? I'm beaten. I've lost. I suck. I take it. I take the offer because I know if I refuse, Bavaria's just going to siege me some more and take the three provinces they wanted in the first place. Fine, you guys win. Can I go home now?
Then I get one last visitor: The cause of all our pain and misery. Damn him.
Mitrehead: And another thing! This humanism? Stupid idea. Get rid of it.
Mainz: I can't until 'Art of War' comes out!
Mitrehead: What? Putz! *smack*
Mainz: Can I go now?
Mitrehead: No! You're going to sit there and take it until Johan lets you leave!
Mainz: *sob*
Mitrehead: Nice borders by the way.
Johan's Dice
Can I go now, Johan?
Years: 10
Needed to Continue: 3+
Roll: 5
Result: Yes
*sob*