Random World Order

[DennisRoos]

No chance of using those dragons as an early air force? Europe seems to be in a bit of a stalemate, with lots of wars but nothing really changing or happening. The Powers That Be seem more interested in making Polynesia as colorful as possible. How far are the HRE reforms?

 

[LatinKaiser]

No chance of using those dragons as an early air force? Europe seems to be in a bit of a stalemate, with lots of wars but nothing really changing or happening. The Powers That Be seem more interested in making Polynesia as colorful as possible. How far are the HRE reforms?

Random World Order, Chapter XXV: How to Tame Your Dragon

 

[Andre Massena]

Lol at the Netherlands getting mad at a Catholic theocracy for being too modern.

You need to get the CK2 GOT mod to satisfy your dragon urge.

 

[Director]

Dragons? Nasty chaps and best avoided. I have had some experience with them so you can take it from me.

So - Mainz. Mainz? Mainz. Heh. Well, then. Mainz. Ah......... Hmmmm. Mainz. (Scratches head.) That just about sums it up, I guess. Hey, what about those Royals, right?

Looks like you are having fun but there's little chance for you to do anything really striking. To be fair, minor countries mired in the HRE usually can't do much.


On another note, check out the three Barry Hughart books starting with The Story of the Stone. You'd like Master Li, I think - both of you have 'a small flaw in my character'.

 

[CatKnight]

Chief Ragusa: Oh, I shook loose something interesting.

Stuyvesant: Yeah, being called a rogue archbishopric is a bit funny. I haven't played Skyrim in awhile, I might have to load that up again.

Athalcor: A conversation with just event options? That'd be fun to see if nothing else.

LatinKaiser: True. Dragons like economy.

DennisRoos: Not far. I believe the HRE has three reforms passed, but none of the emperors ever really racked up enough uhm..points... for more. I suspect because the HRE has never faced a really serious threat for the emperor to fight off.

LatinKaiser: Hm, that might make a good spinoff series.

Andre Massena: I haven't played the GOT mod, though I've heard really good things about it. There's also a Skyrim/Elder Scrolls mod out there for any dragon urges.

Director: I'll try to find those books. And uhm..yeah..go Royals!

 

[CatKnight]

CHAPTER XXIV: MAINZ
Part 2: Ancient Threats
(1785-1790)​

Cruising for Trouble

Hi, folks.

Okay, I've scrubbed out my system and purged my notes, so we should have no more trouble from...

NO. Just No.

I mentioned last turn that our target would be Wurzburg, but I'm just not sure. A war with Wurzburg brings in the coalition (Brunswick, Palatinate) as well as some minor allies, none of which bother me too much, but Denmark does. My own ally, Spain, more than makes up for that...if they acknowledge the call to arms, and if they actually send meaningful forces to the combat theater. Spain's currently part of a multinational force kicking Britain while they're down, but they're also losing to Morocco and the Ottomans.

Then I notice Spain's allied with Denmark in that war versus Britain. Okay, this isn't going to work. Let's see..

We complete our mission to fortify Hessen province, then start our next task: Forging a claim on Trier (Palatinate). Irritating our rival sounds like great fun.

In February 1786 we complete said claim for another small mission bonus. This upsets our artisans, who don't like funding our aggressive behavior, so we execute a few to show that Mainz hasn't modernized all that much yet. (Stability to 0)

In June Liege finishes defeating Burgundy and takes some cash. Burgundy's now getting wrecked by Lorraine, France and Orleans. Have fun guys.

I have a new target in mind: Bavaria. The big obstacle to warring with Bavaria is Poland, but the Ottomans are rampaging through Polish territory at the moment. In preparation for prolonged hostilities I take Offense Idea-6 (Grand Army, +20% Land Forcelimits) and wait. By November we forge our claim on Ansbach, and I've ensured military access through Wurtemberg so I can carpet siege all of Bavaria. Poland's just peaced out, but are hopefully too exhausted to intervene. Spain's still fighting, but for the moment they appear to be winning against the Turk menace even though Spanish Lithuania is yet again carpet sieged.

What have I forgotten? Well, it can't be too important. Let's go.


Things Get Real

Ah, I've forgotten that Wurtemberg is in a PU under Poland and automatically joins in. Well, no matter. I'll just have to finish this war quickly. If you notice on the upper right, my 19K soldiers will march straight into 21K Bavarian defenders. We have the better leader, so while I expect this to be close I hope to pre...

Uhoh.

You know, I've had this feeling for awhile now that the game's actively trying to stop any big changes, or perhaps just frustrate me altogether. I know some of you have noticed this as well. I put it off to late game dynamism (or lack thereof), but now I'm starting to wonder. That's too bad. This time we will defy our fate! In December 1787 we hire 12K mercs!

By the end of December, Wurtemberg troops have killed about 8,000 of them before they could organize.

Then, in January...


Things get Ridiculous

Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me! Take Humanism and now everyone's afraid of the big bad modern archbishophric, as if there is such a thing!

Brunswick's buddies include the Palatinate, Wurzburg (of course), Austria and Bohemia. We're too modern for AUSTRIA?

By February I've pulled my 3K or so merc survivors to Pfalz. Well, the Austrians can't have that and move in with 11K. Miraculously a handful survive, but by April. Well, there's really no point in building any more troops is there?

Still, there is hope! Despite the 86K Wurzburg/Austrian/Bohemian army that travels up through Wurtemberg, THROUGH Mainz territory and keeps heading north, the Spanish have taken the field! They have an army of 33K! More than enough to scatter some of these smaller sieges.

On a lark I ask Bavaria what they want for peace in case it's reasonable. Well, it's not: They want me to give three provinces to their vassal, Hesse. No. I then offer to change religions for Brunswick, and they tell me that's not what they want.

Mainz: But...that's your CB!
Brunswick: Sorry, we have our orders.
Mainz: Orders? From who?
Brunswick: ...

Which means all those poor Spaniards and the last of my army die when the Austro-Bohemian-Wurzburg doomstack turns around.

Spain will make no more serious attempts to help me, and I kind of don't blame them. By August 1787, and how many times have I said this in this campaign, it's pretty hopeless.

Still, I have one card left to play. It's gamey, it's cheesy, but so is our situation.


Old Enemies Resurface

See, there are two coalitions fighting me - Bavaria's and Brunswick's. If neither of them rack up enough warscore to get what they want out of me, then someone's going to settle for a lesser peace. Hopefully by then the other alliance will be tired enough to settle as well. We may just be saved because EVERYONE wants us to suffer!

I spend 1788 telling myself that. We build a farm estate (Manufactory, +100% goods in Frankfurt) primarily to drain our treasury so our enemies won't get too much in the resulting peace. The farm estate will never be built as Frankfurt gets sieged months later. Scientists claim our production research is flawed. I tell them our research is fine, it's just that no one can go to work with armies rampaging through our country. By July 1788 four provinces are occupied, and by April 1789 we're down to one last hold out, Hessen, with 89K Bavarians/Palatinate/Wurzburg/Hessens sitting on it.

For some reason this makes our nobles nervous.

Really guys? What makes you think defense is a problem?

Then comes December 1789, one of the worst months of my EU 2-3-4 career.

It starts when Hessen falls. I was wrong about preventing either alliance from gaining enough war score, as Brunswick auto-peaces out by giving Pfalz to Palatinate. That's just great.

Then the Bavarian ambassador comes knocking: Surrender now, and we'll only take two provinces. And you know what? I'm beaten. I've lost. I suck. I take it. I take the offer because I know if I refuse, Bavaria's just going to siege me some more and take the three provinces they wanted in the first place. Fine, you guys win. Can I go home now?

Then I get one last visitor: The cause of all our pain and misery. Damn him.

Mitrehead: And another thing! This humanism? Stupid idea. Get rid of it.
Mainz: I can't until 'Art of War' comes out!
Mitrehead: What? Putz! *smack*
Mainz: Can I go now?
Mitrehead: No! You're going to sit there and take it until Johan lets you leave!
Mainz: *sob*
Mitrehead: Nice borders by the way.

Johan's Dice

Can I go now, Johan?

Years: 10
Needed to Continue: 3+
Roll: 5
Result: Yes

*sob*

 

[unmerged(58610)]

Yes, you certainly did shake loose something. Three provinces. Congratulations, you found a way to grow Bavaria, without being there. Hint: Find a better ally than Spain. Like the Ottomans. I do wonder how you managed to wind up not being war-leader of a war you declared. Damn those Thuringians! I wonder when you realised you weren't going to win the war. That first battle where you were stack wiped? Such a shame you didn't offer to become Bavaria's vassal. oh well, there the next war to become completely annexed. I'd strongly consider a regime change.

I thought I'd seen you reach rock bottom with some of those Teutonic Order fights, but they were no where near as totally demoralising as this Mainz one. And that's looking on the brightside.

 

[Athalcor]

 

[McGrey]

What was that last event with Mitrehead? I'cant ever remember to have seen this. Has the Pope been kicked out of Rome and looks for a new home?

Edit: And what happens on the "Perhaps not."-Option?

 

[Athalcor]

What was that last event with Mitrehead? I'cant ever remember to have seen this. Has the Pope been kicked out of Rome and looks for a new home?

Seems so. TBH, I have thought that he simply kicks the Archbishop's *** and devours the entire country instead of simply taking one province though.

 

[LatinKaiser]

Veto please; Mainz sucks, just abandon it already! Or, you could take out the maximum amount of loans, hire a bunch of mercs, and go down in a blaze of glory.

 

[Gen. Marshall]

Can I go now, Johan?

Result: Yes

Be free

 

[Andre Massena]

Good job, good effort

At least that was more fun than a colonial nation

 

[Stuyvesant]

What have I forgotten? Well, it can't be too important. Let's go.

I knew that things would be bad after reading that. I could not imagine they would be that bad. Ouch.

Ouch.
Ouch.
Ouch.

Y'know, I watched The Avengers again this weekend and your Mainz reminds me of Loki. Not Loki all the time, just that one scene where Loki faces Hulk, starts saying: "Enough! I'm a god and I will not be bullied..." and before he can ever finish his sentence, Hulk picks him up by his legs and smacks him - left/right, left/right - into the floor. Yup, being pummeled so badly that you've been smashed a few inches into the concrete - that seems Mainz's situation right now.

I agree with the chorus that tells you to rebel against the capricious cruelty of Johan's Dice. But if you decide to stick out the next turn, I think you should mortgage the place to the hilt, hire all the mercenaries you can, and try to put Mitrehead in his place (out of a physical country of his own, at least). If you can spawn a bunch of home-grown rebellions that will spread like locusts all over Germany, so much the better. Watch the Holy Roman Empire burn, one way or another.

Or thumb your nose at Johan's obviously loaded dice and pick a nice sunny place to cruise to the finish line.

 

[Dr.Livingstone]

I did try to warn you. Johan's wrath is a terrible thing to witness. Anyways, I hope he's satisfied and will be willing to let you off with a half-decent nation.

 

[Hiryuu]

Hey, I'm a dragon too, can I play with you guys?

(maybe you should have overthrown Burgundy when you got the chance...)

 

[Seelmeister]

Ouch, you really weren't given any chance there. Hopefully your enemies will be satisfied with what they have taken, although to be honest I'd sooner see you throw a low die roll and get out of there!

 

[CatKnight]

Chief Ragusa: Yeah, that was pretty demoralizing. But I have a clever plan!

Athalcor: Indeed!

McGrey: Correct. The actual event read that since I was such a good Catholic and the Papacy had no home, would I like to give them a province?

Athalcor: You would think so, wouldn't you?

Wow. That would be horrible. Forced to play as Mitrehead.

LatinKaiser: Let's go with blaze of glory!

Gen. Marshall: Johan does not release his hold so easily.

Andre Massena: True!

Stuyvesant: Hm...what would Loki do if he ran a country? Let's find out!

Dr. Livingstone: Not yet he isn't.

Hiryuu: Probably. Though Burgundy doesn't look like it's going anywhere either.

Seelmeister: No...once I lost my army in the first battle I knew they were going to wipe the floor with me.

 

[CatKnight]

CHAPTER XXIV: MAINZ
Part 3: Let It Burn
(1790-1795)​

No More Mister Nice Cat

I have a confession to make.

I ENJOYED this turn. Well okay, the first half of it. The second half was a bit dull.

I read your alternatives to simply vetoing the dice and decided you were right: Let's let Johan know exactly what we think of Mainz. Tonight the Empire burns!

First up? 16 loans to hire 12K mercenaries. We then start fabricating a claim on Nassau (Mitrehead). While our diplomat's working on that, let's get this party started!

Yes, Spain! Fight Russia! Good luck with that! I'll be over here doing stuff.

Wait. Netherlands is allied with Russia? Netherlands is on my border? Oh... well uhm... okay, I guess no sense waiting for my diplomat to finish up.

Much better!

It is February 1790, we've picked a few fights I'm not expecting to win, and Bavaria comes asking for military access. I can see why: 26K Bavarians are stuck in Hesse and can't get home. Nope. Sorry. Losers.

I make the run looking for places to spam rebels, but no where is very appetizing. As soon as my mercs finish building I'm funneling them into Nassau as quickly as I can. Maybe I can force Mitrehead to submit, which would amuse me out of all proportion with any changes to the map.

In March Saxony invades Wurzburg and kills 1K mercs. Wah. 41K Dutch land in Frankfurt, while another 40K seem content to hang out at our mutual border. Is this a sign of things to come?

Yeah, sort of like that!

By December I've completely evacuated my territory in favor of Nassau, which makes my peasants wonder if I know what I'm doing. I say 'No' and 'What do you intend to do about it?'

Bwahaha! Yes! Rise up my psycho elves! Kill the interlopers!

Unfortunately it's the Dutch who do the killing. Frankfurt falls, they crush the rebellion, then their second 40K army lands in Nassau.

So, it's January 1791 and I have no army and very little point in building another one. What would any self respecting monarch do about that?

I thought so too!

I take ten more loans, and use Monarch points to raise our Stability to -1, War Exhaustion to 1.75 and even lower inflation while raising war taxes. We're just getting this party started!

Our peasants think this is really going too far. I tell them they're right!

More psycho elves! Go. Kill the Dutch. Kill them all! Bwahahaha! I've just completed a mission to forge a claim on Heidelberg (Palatinate), so let's use our diplomats to forge more claims: Kassel (Hesse) and Thuringia (Thuringia) coming up!

But really, we should share the love with our Spanish friends who haven't done a damned thing this war. Don't you think?

Happy to share buddy!

What else can we do? Well, we get another TWO Governmental Incompetence revolts back to back in Mainz. Between them they annihilate 11K Saxons, 5K Savoyards AND 1K Dutch before being put down! Way to go guys!

In March Mainz falls, and our military debates whether it's time to go on the offensive.

I remind them we have no troops, but we're quite offensive enough thank you. Just ask around!

More loans - paying those Spanish rebels is eating our economy alive. Unfortunately being a 3PM limits the amount of chaos you can wreak at any one time, and in April 1792 our fun comes to an end.

In this world, in the far future, Lithuanians will raise a statue of the Archbishop of Mainz in gratitude for getting them out from under Spanish incompetence. You're welcome guys!


Giving Peace a Chance

We're still at war with the Papacy and Saxony, and we could probably make a go of it: Between them they're down to 5K, though I'm at 0. But...nah. I've had my fun. We might as well give Mainz a fighting chance. I peace out and begin rebuilding.

First 3K infantry so we have some defense, then I stop the 'Government Incompetence' event for 160 gold which immediately turns into seven loans ... I'm at thirty-six.

In February 1793 the Netherlands warns us to stop messing around. Sure. Whatever guys. Which part of 'Don't Care' did you miss over the last few years?

By 1794 we're back to a full 12K army. We'd even raised our Stability back to -1 when this beauty popped up.

Okay, am I too modern and humanist for everyone, or am I too narrow minded? You can't really have it both ways guys.

Some people.

Well, that knocks our Stab to -2, and I push it right back to 0. We even take Diplomacy-27 (Public Punishments) before the end of the turn and repay the first three loans.

Before we leave, how are the colonies and 'liberty desire' doing? Remember they need 50% to even consider it:

Colony		Overlord	Liberty Desire
* North America *
Pacifico Norte	Spain		23.00% (rising pretty quickly)
Catalan Canada	Spain		41.50%
Vinland		Norway		40.50%
Catalan Louis.	Spain		 3.25% (not so quickly)
California	Portugal	15.25%
Florida		Spain		58.75%

* Central America *
Port. Mexico	Portugal	35.75%
Dutch W. Ind.	Netherlands	42.75%
Caraibas	Portugal	69.25%

* South America *
Eng. Colombia	Great Britain	27.25%
Dut. Colombia	Netherlands	31.00%
Dutch Peru	Netherlands	19.50%
Nwg. Brazil	Norway		15.00%
Port. Brazil	Portugal	63.25%
Argentine	Great Britian	66.25%
Dut. La Plata	Netherlands	27.75%

* Oceania *
Rus. Australia	Russia		32.25%
New Holland	Netherlands	 9.50%

So, what do you think Johan? Time to go?


Johan's Dice

Years: 15
Needed to Continue: 4+
Roll: 5
Result: Yes

Fine. You know what? We'll stay, because after next turn, with the dawn of the 19th century, I think we'll go random one more time and stick with that country until the finish line.

 

[Nikolai]

Man, you're one big machosist, aren't you Johan?