The AARoquois: Part 6: Normal Service Will Be Resumed Shortly
CRAWLING THROUGH MY SKIIIIIIIIIIIN
THESE WOUNDS THEY WILL NOT HEEEEEAAAAAAAL
SHUT UP I HATE YOU YOU'RE NOT EVEN MY REAL DAD
RARGH GREAT CREATOR I have to get myself together.
Come on Bear Paw. Right.
Sale of offices? Whatever, cube jockies. Have your rooms. Great Creator, the Huron slaughtered us, it's not like we don't have longhouses going spare.
Oh, who are you? Really? Yeah, sure, you can be part of my government. We're called the Great Council, or the A-Team for short. Here's your antlers.
By the way, I don't know what that pendant is, but it's so cute! Where did you get it? Oh yeah, and what can you actually do for the Iroquois? I suppose I should have asked that question first, but what's done is done AND NOW THEY'RE ALL DEAD
I don't know what that is, but OK, let's do it.
What on Earth..?
-"Greetings, Bear Paw"
COR LUMMY WHAT THE--
-"I am Marley."
Ohh, I love that film! Apart from at the end though, it's so sad.
-"No, not that Marley. The other one. Scrooge, chains and such."
I don't know what you're talking about.
-"A Christmas Carol."
Nope, doesn't ring a bell. I don't think it's been written yet.
-"Wha-- never mind. Tonight you will be visited by three spirit guides. They'll tell you stuff. You know, things in your subconcious, predictions, the usual paranormal crap. Also you'll get seven years bad luck."
What? Why?
-"Because it's not Christmassssssss..."
Well, that was strange. Still, I'm sure it was just an undigested bit of beef, a fragment of underdone mustard or whatever. I'm sure I won't be seeing it agai
AAAARGH WHAT
-"Hullo Bear Paw. I am Ivan, the Spirit Guide of Christmas Past."
What's Christmas?
-"Oh, it's nothing. It doesn't matter. What I am here to do is show you the decisions you have made in the past, and how they have affected your life."
Cool! So are we going to be flying around and travelling through time?
-"Sweet mercy, no. I'm not budgeted for that."
Oh.
-"And besides, the Risk Assessments for this spirit guide stuff are horrendous as it is. I'm just going to be talking, really."
Oh.
-"So, remember at university, when you went to your first Law class?"
Honestly? I don't remember anything of university. Hell, I don't remember anything between the ages of 16 and 29.
-"Oh. Well, you took one look at the textbook and decided to change your course to media studies. What could have been a great entry into a successful career became several years of useless partying and preening."
Hang on. I got into my position today because I was voted World's Sexiest Man. That "preening" led to me becoming leader of my country, which is a lot more than a Law degree would have got me.
-"Well, yes, but--"
Whatever. Gotta fly, mate. So many spirit guides, so little time.
-"Wait!"
What?
-"If you see a pigeon called Hamish, punch him for me, will you? He crapped on my nose."
Oh, I thought that was some sort of jewellery.
-"No, it's guano."
Oh. Well, gotta fly!
-"Och aye the hooooo!"
And whooooo might yoooooo be?
-"I am Hamish, the Spirit Guide of Christmas Present! Look under me wings, what do ye see?"
Well, I see twi--GREAT SCOTT MAN, THAT SMELL! DOES PERSONAL HYGIENE MEAN NOTHING TO YOU?
-"Of course not, Jimmy! I'm a pigeon! I live in smog and crap as I walk!"
Well it's anti-social.
-"Anti-social yerself! Don't talk to me like that, I'm Hamish the Pigeon, Sprit Guide of Christmas Present!"
Sorry, did you say Hamish the Pigeon?
-"Aye! Are ye deaf, laddie?"
No. By the way, this is from Ivan.
-"Ivan? That fur-faced baOH JESUS ME BEAK!"
Bye.
-"¡BUENOS NACHOS!"
So you're the Spirit Guide of Christmas Yet to Come, I take it?
-"NO SEÑOR, HE IS ON HOLIDAY. I AM JEFFÉ, THE CROCODILE WITH A SKIN CONDITION."
Skin condition? I can't see a - hang on, let me put my eye drops in.
Oh yeah, you've got some serious lizard skin there.
-"THAT IS PROBABLY BECAUSE I AM A REPTILE, SEÑOR. I DO, HOWEVER, HAVE ECZEMA. BUT EET EES IRRELEVANT. ¿NOW, I A SUPPOSED TO POINT TO YOUR GRAVE?"
Oh, we don't have those. We leave our dead on wooden scaffolds until they are rotted down to their bones, which we bury in their house.
-"¡WOW, THAT IS MESSED UP, AMIGO!"
Hey, that's my culture you're disparaging, fish-breath.
-"SO SORRY, SEÑOR. ¿BUT CAN WE JUST PRETEND THAT I HAVE POINTED TO YOUR SCAFFOLD? I GET QUEASY EASILY."
Sure, I don't mind. O! spirit, what can I do to change this horrid fate? How may I sponge away the writing on this stone? Must I be kinder? More generous? I promise you, Jeffé, I can change!
-"¡CALM DOWN, BRO! IT SAYS HERE YOU JUST HAVE TO CUT DOWN ON THE CHOLESTEROL."
Bah, humbug!
-"HEY, IT'S YOUR FUNERAL HOMBRÉ. YOUR FUNERAL..."
Oh, what a queer dream. Well, I'm sure it was nothing. Now, where am I?
Jiminy Christmas! I've missed a month! I must get back to the longhouse immediately!