It's the AARoquois: we built this city on roooooock and rooooooll! and a constitution

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    Real Strategy Requires Cunning

lazyguy

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The AARoquois!​
iroquois.png
The Iroquois Constitution: an incredible piece of pre-Columbian legislation that set out a federal system of government and inspired Benjamin Franklin to blah blah blah I dunno it's all legalese to me. All I know is there's lots of free space in America and as the Iroquois in 1399 I'm in a prime position to grab it. As a side note, I'll try to follow the Constitution (there are lots of versions online, so I'm using this one for reference.

Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
Part Six
My current objective: to survive. This'll probably be an image-heavy AAR, because I like pictures.

The expansion is the steam version of DW, on very easy (with a few minor self-written modifications hanging about from an earlier cheat-heavy world-conquest game I tried - rebellions will be slightly less frequent, but not much so. I have the original files sitting on my desktop as I type this if you all prefer that).
Are you sitting comfortably?


Then I'll begin to ROCK THIS CONTINENT HIAWATHA STYLE YYYYYYEEEEEEAAAAHHHHHH
 
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gela1212

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Do you mind sharing which expansion you're using? I imagine Iroquois are a bit easier in DW with the addition of slow_limit, allowing you to grab the American interior before the europeans.
 

lazyguy

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The AARoquois: Part 1: A New Hope. Roquois.
Hi my name is Bear Paw and the women of the League of Five Nations (it's like the League of Nations but with less facism appeasing) have voted me sexiest man alive or something so I guess that makes me king or something I dunno, I got a U in politics. OK, let's look and see what I rule, hahahaha, haahahaaaa!
eu33.png

Blimey, that's piddly.
Right then, expansion! How quickly can I expect me some colonists to deport?
eu34.png

Oh bugger me. Er...
Techs! My precious techs! I loves me some science
eu35.png

Aaaaaaargh!
OK. Keep calm. I'm sure I'm a military powerhouse, then.
eu36.png

Dear. God. I probably should have looked into this BUT I HAVE THE VOTE I HAVE THE MANDATE THINGS CAN ONLY GET BETTER YES WE CAN WE POLKED YOU IN '44 WE SHALL PIERCE YOU IN '52 ROSS FOR BOSS

...

Maybe there's a thing I can do to do a thing. Aha! Divination!
eu37.png

Top one, nice one, sorted. Let's have a look at the tea leaves:
img00098c.jpg

Ah! This means... er... something. Do unto others or somesuch. Remind me to ask me haruspex. Now, what are my government options?
eu38m.png

So much with the constitution then. Maybe if I centralise I'll get more options for my government. I'll just use that slider change...
eu39b.png

SORRY SORRY I TAKE IT BACK I'M SORRY OK PLEASE DON'T HURT ME




We're gonna need a bigger boat.
 
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lazyguy

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Do you mind sharing which expansion you're using? I imagine Iroquois are a bit easier in DW with the addition of slow_limit, allowing you to grab the American interior before the europeans.
Oh yes, it's DW, sorry. Editing the OP.
 

Ashantai

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I like this! Wacky and random...nice start. :)
 

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The AARoquois: Part 2: The Indian Spring
Ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod
Come on Bear Paw, calm yourself now. Remember the words of the Great Peacemaker: "Rebels? No chance, matey." I must do this, for the good of the Confederacy. FREEDOM FOR THE SOUTH! No wait, hang on...
Errrrr. Mercenaries! Quick to build and quick to fight. Bear Paw, you're a genius! That's why you got voted into power. Well, that and your rock hard abs, massive biceps and complete lack of shame.
eu310.png

Come on, come on... if my regulars can just hold out a little longer...
eu311m.png

Bah. Oh, what's this?
eu312.png

Ah, apparently my people are congratulating me on my military success. OK then.
eu313q.png

This is too easy.
eu314.png

Come on men, you can do it!
eu315.png

Success! Now, mop up the survivors.
eu316.png

Yep, mop them up.
eu319.png

Yeah.
eu320.png

OH FOR PITY'S SAKE!
eu321b.png

Huh?
eu322.png

Wuh?
eu323.png

Zuh?
Who-- who are these people? I have always been led to believe that us and the Hurons were the only civilised people in existence. Have I been lied to? Or was everyone else ignorant of this as well? What else is there that I don't know? How do these other nations work? Could it be that our great traditions are wrong? It could! Perhaps-- perhaps there is another way. Another way of running a country. A system based on freedom, complete egalitarianism and meritocracy, where men have the vote and women can lead, where every annexed nation gets a say in the Great Council, where we avoid killing every member in a tribe, where everyone is free to do as they please - no, where everyone is free to do as they please provided it restricts no-one else's ability to do so - where the greatest desire is the desire for knowledge, where each tribe can run itself as much as possible, where the young, the old, the infirm are cared for. A better society, a more peaceful society, a kinder society, a oh hey they give me money. Score.
eu324.png

A ruthless powermonger? Moi? I just made it the business of the Great Council to codify planning permission laws for private wigwams. Honestly, some people.
eu325.png

Good gravy, are those particularists still going? I'd congratulate them if they weren't trying to murder me and break up the Confederacy. I'd best send in some more mercenaries.
eu326.png

Thank Christ (whoever he is). I was beginning to worry that they were supernatural or something, and so soon after the Great Werewolf Rebellion.

Next time: The Outside World, Huron Wars and Army Reforms.
 
Last edited:

lazyguy

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Hello everyone. I am so terribly sorry that I left this so long, but I've been busy these past few weeks. But from now on, I promise I'm going to update more often. Please, I can change.
The AARoquois: Part 3: Spreading the Good News
Well, that's the rebels dealt with, thank God. Time to spread civilisation to the savages! I think I'll start with those lovely Allegheny

eu327.png


SWEET PERSIMMONS

Blimey. Welp, kill 'em all and take their land, that's the Iroquois code. Maybe I'll have better luck with the Susquehanna. Now, the Constitution says I have to ask them three times before I can club their leader over the head and start the genocide. Right, then.

eu328.png


eu329.png


Well that's bloody rude of them. Well, I'll get back to them and go talk to the Lenape

eu330.png


MERCIFUL ANORAKS! Why are we so unpopular?
Oh, what's this?

eu331.png

Apparently the Lords are angry that people are gaining power through the acquisition of something called "pamuhnee". I don't even know what that is, so I'll just say that I'm stopping it to keep them cheerful. Now, let's go see the Mahicans.

eu332.png


Again they ignore me. That's bloody rude that.

Bah. I'm too good for these fools.
 

lazyguy

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The AARoquois: Part 4: To WAR!
eu333t.png

Good times! But let's have a look at that map...
mapvl.png

I knew making my five-year-old nephew Chief Cartographer for the Confederacy would pay off. So, what province will be the starting point for my war of conquest?
eu334.png

Ontario? OMGC THAT'S WHERE JUSTIN BIEBER COMES FROM!!!!!!!!!! Yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes <3




Ahem.
Come my legions - to WARoh ok just finish off those savages
eu335.png

Well, I think that's all of the neighbouring savages dead. Well, take all their land and property, I guess.

Ah, the bankers, however would I live without your persistent nuisancing of my office? Well, make your demands.
eu340h.png

13 ducats. You want me to pay you 13 ducats. You really can't let that go?

Fine, have your money! But be sure to remember that it was gained through nothing but THEFT AND BLOODSHED GRRRAAAAAAARRRRRRGH
eu341f.png

Well, apparently the people and economists alike are rejoicing at the fact that I've chucked some pocket change at the fat cats. And now they want me to improve our great nation's prestige. Excuse me? How could I improve the prestige of a country which already has such a powerful military as this!
eu342.png

Bah, the fools. Now, let's do this war by the book. First of all I have to go and meet with their leader to see if they want to be part of our nation:
eu344.png


Oh, get out of my way, you blithering bureaucrats!
eu345.png


OK. Here we go. In Huron. Asking for them to become part of our Great Law of Peace:
eu347.png

eu346.png

Oh Great Creator, not this again.
Second go.
eu347.png

eu348.png

wdjgjbbdjdjd
THIS
JUST
GOT
REAL
Oh, you're in for it now, you Wyandot sonsofguns (What's a gun? I think you mean bow. Ed.). PREPARE TO MEET YOUR END
eu349.png

I can TASTE the irony!

But I said I'd do it by the book. And by the book I shall! Do it, that is. Now, the Constitution says I have to ask three times before I club their leader's head in and declare war on them. So here we go, the moment of truth...
eu353.png

eu354.png

>:]

Now I am greatly surprised
And, therefore I shall use it --
The power of my War Song.
I am of the Five Nations
And I shall make supplication
To the Almighty Creator.
He has furnished this army.
My warriors shall be mighty
In the strength of the Creator.
Between him and my song they are
For it was he who gave the song
This war song that I sing!



One brief but frustrating war later... (seriously though, unciv warfare sucks. The next expansion should focus on pre-Columbian countries. Even if they just included an optional gameplay mode that removed all their penalties, it would be INCREDIBLE)
eu355.png

So despite winning a 55% victory, I can't claim demands of 26%. Bah. Ontario it is then. BABY, BABY, BABY OOOOOOOOH
OK, ex-Hurons. You're now part of the Iroquois Confederacy. But you don't get a vote. You get to keep your own previous system of government though. Unless I decide to centralise again. Which I probably will.



Honestly, who wouldn't want to be part of the Great Binding Law of Peace?
 

Johhog

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THIS IS GREAT!

Iroquois will surely be victoglorious.
 

unmerged(58610)

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Aaargh, another Iroquois AAR. I've started a Huron game for some much needed sanity.
I'm not surprised the Huron told your Iroquios what they could do with their Great Binding Law.
 

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You're really funny, and you have great screens, but could you maybe spread out the screenies a bit? I love humorous gameplay AARs, so you've got my subscription regardless.
 

garudamon11

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You know that you need settlers to colonize? killing the natives n the uncolonized provinces will make it easier for the europeans to colonize it
 

-MoRiDin-

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Yeah, you can't colonise untill you open an NI slot and take colonial ventures... That wont happen till you westernise (i.e have a european border anyway!) But you probably know all this!

Good Luck!