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AUTHOR #1

I had destroyed the only man in the room that was worth a grain of sand, the only one I could count as my true brother. He would serve at least twenty years for my betrayal, but I would be safer for it. The city would be safer for it. This was my gift to the state.
:rofl:

What a neat twist in the "gift to the state" category!

This is exceptionally well written, some earlier choppiness getting smoothed out by the end (which is unusual -- in these stories I often find they start great, then get choppy at the end!). I love the setting and mood -- reminiscent of, perhaps, Storey's stories, or Nil's Chicago. It's obviously well planned, to turn out so complicated yet make sense. I think more detail could have helped it make more sense, but it certainly came across.

Very good job! For author, I'd lean toward Storey or Nil out of desperation, but I think I recognize Coz1's intricate weave in this story. :D

p.s. Having read Coz' comment, he seems to throw off the scent, but I'm still suspicious. I don't think it's poorly written or "indicative of an English learner". Perhaps it is Nil, but I'll keep my guess on Coz until further notice!

Author #2

The slight departure from reality, I think, helped this story, though I generally like serious stories. Just like Lord Roxton, I first thought "how silly" and then thought "how brilliant!" :rolleyes: Like Nil, I remain somewhat unsure what happened, and how it was resolved. But I get the impression the British were had, even though they were sure it was a ruse.

I think it would be a supreme irony if, as is possible from the setup, the Germans really meant to make peace with the British and take the war to the French instead, but that the British distrust ruined it! That would remind me of my favorite Babylon 5 episode, in which bitterness and distrust turned an opportunity for peace into a bitter war between the Narn and Centauri.

I'm going to guess this is Lord Roxton, simply because he is here and I expect he would comment if he contributed! :p

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p.s. I'll be back later with more comments about at least one of the previous entries, as promised!
 

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If I'd written the second piece, I wouldn't have used words like "brilliant" and "I loved this". I have SOME modesty!
 

coz1

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And though I am loathe to disappoint as well, I was not the writer of the 1st submission.

You'll have to guess again on both counts, Renss. ;)
 

Nil-The-Frogg

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Aren't you supposed to wait after the revelations of authors before denying paternity? :rofl:
 

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That's what I thought, too! :p

Well, I'm not going to pick again. I've never gotten one guess right yet... why ruin a trend?!

I suppose I'll default toward Nil on the 1st one now, then. :D

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CatKnight

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Author 1:

I'm also inclined to think this was Storey, given his experience writing film-noir type stuff, but that's just obvious enough to be completely wrong.

Well done! The details were engaging, and the interplay was good. I'm not sure I like the plausability of the last scene however, where Jennings betrays Berkley: I think the police would be more suspicious. I'm not sure McAllister would have let his prize go without a fight. It's hard to tell with only that one scene to determine everyone's personality.

As for the question of whether this could be part of an AAR.... well, there have been AARs that take place in other times and 'flash back' to the game, sometimes very, very obliquely...and anyway being AAR material isn't relevant to the thread - the topic (Gift to the State) is. :)

Very entertaining!


Author 2:

I also found it a little absurd, but you know - by modern standards World War I was an absurd war. The armies not only stopped fighting, but co-mingled during Christmas 1914. The early pilots really thought of themselves as 'knights' of the air engaging in honorable duels. Perhaps horse would have been too obvious, but can see the Germans making gifts for their adversaries in an effort to keep some sense of nobility in the fighting.

Nil: If I read it correctly, I'm pretty sure the horses are genuine gifts: They were empty, and the Germans didn't attack the British lines.

I'm not sure I find this story rushed, but more unpolished with whole reams of information missing. For example, I'd have liked to seen the German general who thought this up, even after the fact. Details on the bitter fighting in this area would also point out the absurdity (and general hopefulness) of this gift. As Coz said, this might work well as part of a longer arc.
 

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CatKnight said:
I'm also inclined to think this was Storey, given his experience writing film-noir type stuff, but that's just obvious enough to be completely wrong.
... and why would Storey write something that is so obviously his cache that we would think it's him? ... unless he's so sure we would think it's his style that we wouldn't pick him, in which case he would... But if...

This is sounding more and more like the second story!!! Maybe Storey wrote the second story! No, wait... :rofl:

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I'm not sure I like the plausability of the last scene however, where Jennings betrays Berkley: I think the police would be more suspicious.

Jennings probably works with the police (to some degree, anyway-- if the standard film noir is any indication they're probably not the very best of friends). So I guess he's able to make the assumption that he can get Berkley jailed.
 

J. Passepartout

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I wouldn't mind few more reviews, and I am sure the authors wouldn't either.

I was thinking of having the last day of the month, i. e. tomorrow, be the last day, but am willing to have it last longer if people want more time since we did start somewhat late this month.
 

coz1

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Well done to the both of you! It was great to see at least two submissions, and strong ones too. I wished we could have had more critiques. :(
 

Amric

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I missed it? Egads! That seemed quite quick. I've been so busy in RL and other things that I managed to overlook this. I humbly apologize, gentlemen.
 

Nil-The-Frogg

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Congats both of you... And BTW, Renss, I'm honoured, didn't know you've taken a glance at my AAR... :)
 

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Nil-The-Frogg said:
Congats both of you... And BTW, Renss, I'm honoured, didn't know you've taken a glance at my AAR... :)
I thought I'd posted once or twice... Perhaps I'm misremembering.

I just haven't had a chance to get caught up quite yet (again, the story of my life!). Hopefully very soon! But it's very good! I like your dialogue and the moods. There is very little to indicate that you are not a native speaker, which is why I suspected you for this last piece.

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Nil-The-Frogg

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anonymous4401 said:
*Pokes thread with stick*

Is it dead?
Same thing again...
I would suggest a topic. Letsay "the king is dead" (or "the president is dead" or... well, depending of the context)
But I can't organize the new round, because I'm not able to help authors fixing their work to get proper english :(
 

unmerged(17581)

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All right, I cleared my PM box. I guess I can host it.

The topic will be Death of a King/President/Dictator/What-Have-You. As for deadlines, I hope to get the authors soon, and maybe the pieces by the Friday after next? That gives us around two weeks of review before the next round which will hopefully start on the 1st of September.

Of course, if I get all the submissions earlier, the pieces will be posted earlier.
 

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Still need authors here... Just saying...
 

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All right, we have four authors now!
 

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Wow! That was fast!

I'm just so busy there's no way right now.

Thanks for taking this on!

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Gah, I'm panicking here! Only one submission has been sent, though four authors promised! Hurry up, the rest of you!