There's nowt as queer as Norfolk... - A Norfolk AAR

[DensleyBlair]

12 - Eat, Die and Be Merry!

"Jesus be praised!"

"What is it, milord?"

"My w-wife has died!"

"Hooray!"

"Sherwyn, you are an idiot, aren't you?"

"And wh-why would that b-be, Ælaf?"

"Because, my lord, your wife has another seventeen years to live."

"Oh God... Q-Quick, someone hide the picture!"

"Don't worry, milord, for I have a cunning plan..."

"About wh-what?"

"To kill your wife."

"Oh, no. I'll be happy when she dies-"

"What was that, husband?"

"I'll be happy when she, um... Quick, Thurcytel, g-get me the rhyming d-dictionary."

"You mean the big papery thing tied up with string?"

"Yes, Th-Thurcytel, the rhyming dictionary."

"Just here, milord."

"Ah, good... Let's see... D-Dies, here we go... Um, I'll be happy wh-when she flies?"

"Hmph!"

"..."

"But I d-don't want to murder her, b-besides, seventeen years is n-nothing. It's only, what? Five years away? That's practically tomorrow!"

"I give up."

"Um, my lord, don't you want to know who did die?"

"Yes, g-go on then."

"Your daughter, my lord. Eadgyth, of pneumonia."

"Eadgyth of Pnuemonia... N-Norman?"

"Wh-? Um, no, my lord. Eadgyth died of pnuemonia."

"And Eadgyth was...?"

"Your daughter! Your bloody daughter!"

"Well, she did have pnuemonia."

"I think I need a lie down."

--​

""-you have the w-wit and intellect of a d-donkey, and I pity the fact that you are my steward. I would hire someone else, b-but you actually happen to be a bit g-good with numbers. That and there's no one else to hire, so I'd have to do the work m-myself, and I think we all know that we'd sooner see K-King William run himself up the flagpole at the Tower of London. Actually, I hope he d-does, the traitor usurping bastard Norman thug. I remain y-your lord and master, G-Gyrth Godwinson (Stop Laughing.)" Th-Thurcytel!"

"Yes, milord?"

"We are g-going to partake in a traditional post-d-death ritual.

"And what would that be, milord?"

"We're going to a feast!"

--​

"I still can't believe he's called Gyrth. It's no wonder he's holding a feast, milord."

"*Quiet, Thurcytel, there he is.* H-Hello, Gyrth."

"Hello, Sherwyn. Please steak a teat. Sorry, *hic* I meant state a teak *hic.* Oh, I am sorry, I fear I'm *hic* drunk already... Oh, and I'm sorry about your daughter-"

"*Why did he wink, milord?*"

"*I don't know Thrucytel, just g-go along w-with it."

"Always a shame when they leave."

"Um, thank you, my lord, b-but, she's dead."

"That good, are you?"

"*I really don't like it when he winks.*"

"*Be quiet, Thrucytel.*"

"Ah, um, h-hello... Can I s-sit here?"

"Yes, go ahead."

"..."

"So, tell me - what are your thoughts on The Great Schism?"

"..."

"..."

"Is that the thing th-that m-means that people can't get bread from the P-Pope?"

"..."

"I'm going to go and sit s-somewhere else. Thurcytel? Come on, we're moving."

"Alright, milord."

--​

"Before I sit down, are y-you g-going to ask me about things I d-don't know?

"No, Sherwyn. It's me, Konan."

"Ah! Konan, you're the Italian b-bishop, aren't you?"

"Um, no actually, Sherwyn. I'm Breton."

"I think I'd be Breton if someone thought I was Italian."

"*Quiet Thrucytel, and besides, you can't use the same joke two weeks in a row."

"*Why not?*"

"*Because it's weak writing.*"

"*Oh, okay.* I think I'd be Italian if someone thought I was Breton."

"Um, why don't you sit down, Sherwyn?"

"G-Good idea."

--​

"Ah, g-good, the first c-course. What do we have h-here?"

"I think they're turnips, milord."

"Turnips! Where? Q-Quick, get them away!"

"You're causing a scene, milord."

"I don't c-care! Just as long as s-someone gets those sodding t-turnips out of here b-before the oppressed m-masses turn up."

"Shouldn't that that be turn ip, milord? No? Okay."

"Oh, look, a page. G-Good. Thurcytel, ask him if he can take the bloody things out of my sight."

"Excuse me, could you please take the bloody things out of his sight?"

"You men ze knavs? Wha of curse not, zough zey weell be bloody eef zey av just been used fur ze mit."

"Oh God! A French w-waiter."

"Wha of curse! Zough A am sorry about yur daughter.-"

"*Why did he wink, milord?"

"*I don't kn-know.*"

"Eet eez always a shame when zey leave you. Zen again, eef you were French, maybe she would av stayed, non?"

"Um, non, mais oui? Actually, while y-you're here, can I radish you wiz ma Franglais?"

"Radish? Non. Zat eez ze next curse."

"Oh, le sod it."

--

To he continued...​

 

[TomZGen]

Yes, cunning plans is what we need!

That dictionary part made me remember the sausage fondly :laugh:

 

[Revan86]

Master Godwineson signs off 'Stop Laughing', but that seems quite difficult to do with this AAR.

The French waiter is edging out onto Holy Grail territory, methinks. Great stuff!

 

[DensleyBlair]

Yes, cunning plans is what we need!

That dictionary part made me remember the sausage fondly :laugh:

Thanks a lot, though I think the next few updates will be a bit less Blackadder infused... Maybe... If I can help it.

Master Godwineson signs off 'Stop Laughing', but that seems quite difficult to do with this AAR.

Ha! Thank a lot.

The French waiter is edging out onto Holy Grail territory, methinks. Great stuff!

High praise indeed.

 

[unmerged(47028)]

I remember "cunning plans" and "a dictionary" from the Black Adder. Which one is a French waiter and why is a lamb on the table?

 

[DensleyBlair]

I remember "cunning plans" and "a dictionary" from the Black Adder. Which one is a French waiter and why is a lamb on the table?

Good to see you here.

The French waiter isn't really a Blackadder reference, though there is an episode in series 3 where he pretends to go to France and 'liberate' a noble from the Revolution.

As for the lamb, it was a meal for the feast.

 

[LordTempest]

"I still can't believe he's called Gyrth. It's no wonder he's holding a feast, milord."

I'm genuinely surprised to see a reference to the dictionary episode that doesn't mention saucy gypsies.

 

[unmerged(47028)]

As for the lamb, it was a meal for the feast.

Poor lamb, I thought it was Sherwyn's pet.

 

[DensleyBlair]

13 - A Taxing Farce

"Th-Thurcytel?"

"Yes, milord?"

"Do you kn-know anything about taxes?"

"Taxes, milord?"

"Yes, t-taxes [thank the Lord - one more question mark and I would have started to question my writing ability.]"

"No, milord. Though my uncle Bert does. He used to take fares all over Thetford."

"I think you've missed the p-point, Thurcytel."

"Yeah, I do tend to get sentimental about the little things. Points don't usually get to me-"

"Isn't that the truth."

"Shut up Riaged. You're j-just jealous that I like Th-Thurcytel more than you."

"Frankly, I'd be rather worried if you took a liking to me, what with all the radishing."

"Just leave now."

"As you wish."

"Sorry, Th-Thurcytel. As I was s-say- Gaargh! Wh-What the b-bloody hell is that?"

"Well, milord, if my eyes don't deceive me, it's either a large piece of cotton wool, or a lamb."

"A l-lamb?"

"Yes, milord. You see, when a man and a lady like each other a lot, provided they're sheep, although-"

"I kn-know what a lamb is, Thurcytel. I meant wh-what is it d-doing here? Hang on - is that a label?"

"Tö whòm ít mãŷ čóñćèrñ,

Ī äm Łêópòłd thę Łįthûåñïāń Łämb. Ī hávè trâvèłłêd fár tó réãčh ŷóù, äńd brīńg ŵíśdòm béŷøńd ŷõúr ŵìłdéšt drêåmš-"

"So not that wise, then."

"Śíłèńćè óf thê Łämbs! Oh, bugger, that's not right... Šíłéñçė fōr thê łāmb! Ì ŵíłł ńõŵ dêpàrt mŷ ŵįšdòm ùńtõ ŷòù:

Śhŷ ömńß djhł óthê pó œæ mńšŷ f r ê t ŷò. :;.)£{+>€ >_<|€!€$ fghjłó sk í.[¥$!287.​

"Thê łãmb häth špâkê."

Abandon hope all ye who edit photos on an iPad...

"Th-Thurcytel, what d-did you put in my breakfast?"

"Nothing, milord."

"Ok-k-kay. Just m-make sure Konan doesn't f-find out about our visitor."

"Would you like me to kill him, milord. You know, get the old viper out?"

"I don't think we'd ever like to see your viper."

"This is not the t-time for innuendo, R-Riaged."

"Don't worry, I know where the door is by now."

"Th-This is all getting rather c-convoluted. Th-Thurcytel, do you kn-know anyone who knows anything about t-taxes who isn't a t-taxi driver?"

"Yes."

"Who?"

"The oppressed mass."

"Ah, of c-course. Th-That deluded nutter who th-thinks he's mayor of Lynn."

"Isn't he your steward, milord?"

"I'd hope not. I only let clean p-people near my f-food."

--​

"My lord, you sent for me?"

"Ah, y-yes, the Oppressed M-Mass."

"Yeah, if you like?"

"I t-take it you haven't come to depose me and install a p-proletariat d-dictatorship?"

"No, my lord. You sent for me. Unless, in a sort of masochistic way you want me to overthrow you and install a proletariat dictatorship. What is it, a fantasy?"

"Wh-What?"

"Nevermind."

"..."

"What was it you wanted me for?"

"Ah, y-yes. Um, uh... I n-need you to go and t-tax the p-people of Thetford."

"Tax them, my lord?"

"Yes, tax them."

"Well, you could just go and talk to them for a few minutes - that's taxing enough."

"T-Taxing people for talking - I really w-wouldn't like you to be a dictatorship p-prole."

"Yes, that's all well and good. Shall I go now?

"Y-Yes, th-thank you."

"..."

"Thank God he's g-gone - I kept worrying th-tha he was going to shout 'Death to the stupid Earl' and th-throw a lit bomb towards me."

"Why on Earth did you think that?"

"Ah! Th-Thurcytel, you scared me."

"Didn't you smell me coming?"

"No, I didn't."

"Unusual. Are you sure your senses are all working?"

"Yes, q-quite sure."

"Are you sure you don't need to go to the Wise Woman?"

"Oh God, not that quacked-up tramp again."

"No, milord, the Wise Woman. Although, between you and me, I wouldn't mind a visit to this 'quacked-up tramp.' What is she, hot gypsy?"

"What? N-No... Tell you what, Thurcytel, why don't you go and find the biggest turnip you can before this c-conversation c-commits suicide?"

"Okay then, milord."

--​

"Y-You know what, Th-Thurcytwel?"

"What, milord?"

"That lamb the other d-day has inspired me."

"Oh?"

"Suddenly I've felt a c-compu- damn, I nearly had th-that one desire to discover the s-secret of his wisdom."

"Wh-What do you mean? It sounded like rubbish to me."

"It m-may well have done, Th-Thurcytel, but you're n-not as gifted as I am-"

"That's one way of putting it."

"*N-Not as gifted as I am.* You c-can't appreciate the t-true meaning of the wisdom he unto us imparted."

"Hopefully somewhere in the 'wisdom' is a modern lexicon."

"Forsooth, Riaged, thou art a slip'ry and most deviously foul knave. Begone from mine sight."

"With haste, milord. I am pained to see you so discomforted."

"R-Really?"

"No! Not bloody really. Did you really think I'd give a toss whether you felt good or bad?"

"Um-"

"I'm now off to Nepal, where I intend to live a peaceful life as a goat. I pray God that I can escape this farce."

"B-But what will we do without y-your interjections?"

"Find someone else. I'm sure I'm not the only one who hates you enough to take pleasure in casually insulting you."

"Fare thee well, mine knave."

"Bugger off, you big-nosed, rubber-faced bastard."

"Well said, Th-Thurcytel."

"Thank you, milord."

--

To be continued...

--

Sorry for the delay, dear readers. Real life seems to have caught up with me. Hopefully this seemingly-longer update will appease you And sorry for the lack of any real pictures.​

 

[mike the knight]

O God ! The Holy Lamb , a proletarian dicattorship and someone who is even less gifted ! :laugh: mte you have found the jackpot here

 

[unmerged(47028)]

Taxing by talking to So the lamb after all was å mèsšêngér. At first I thought it was just a random letters but I got it at the end. Probably I am not as gifted as Sherwyn is too.

 

[DensleyBlair]

I'm genuinely surprised to see a reference to the dictionary episode that doesn't mention saucy gypsies.

Give me time

Poor lamb, I thought it was Sherwyn's pet.

Do you really think Sherwyn would be able to take care of a pet?

O God ! The Holy Lamb , a proletarian dicattorship and someone who is even less gifted ! :laugh: mte you have found the jackpot here

Thank you very much.

Taxing by talking to So the lamb after all was å mèsšêngér. At first I thought it was just a random letters but I got it at the end. Probably I am not as gifted as Sherwyn is too.

I doubt anyone is as gifted as Sherwyn - he is truly unique...

 

[DensleyBlair]

I'm thinking of setting this back to updating on Fridays, rather than Tuesday-or there-abouts' - it seems I'm suddenly busy every Tuesday, so having the lack of urgency with regards to getting anything done on Friday evening would probably be better (who knows, it might make it funnier? (Or, for those of you who think this is dull, funny?).)

Any thoughts?

 

[mike the knight]

I support you on anything that could help you become even nmore productive in terms of fantasy and real humour like this you offer us ! Go ahead as you think better

 

[aniuby]

Hi DensleyBlair - I thought I'd reply to you on your last question specifically.

I'm of the opinion that you should just write when your inspiration strikes. It's not like you're being paid or anything, so just update whenever you feel comfortable. I've never been a fan of schedules for anything done for leisure as it makes things seem like too much of a chore and takes the fun out of it.

Also, excellent work, although I don't really understand the part about the lamb =P

 

[unmerged(47028)]

I must agree with aniuby about inspiration.

However, I can also add that I have a feeling that people read AARs during weekends more so if you have fresh update on Friday then it will most probably be on the first page during the weekend - for more people to read Well, but I might be wrong.

 

[Revan86]

Hi DensleyBlair! Excellent update per usual - love the Oppressed Mass gag!

As for updates, I'm going to third aniuby and mnplastic. I was going one a day for awhile, but it's impossible to keep up that kind of pace indefinitely and put out quality writing. My advice - go for broke on the quality! Shouldn't matter too much if you take a couple days or so off when things get hectic.

Not that you need to worry about that so far! Keep up the great writing!

(Also, I started watching Black Adder this past week because of this AAR. I'm now on the second series.)

 

[DensleyBlair]

I support you on anything that could help you become even nmore productive in terms of fantasy and real humour like this you offer us ! Go ahead as you think better

Thanks for your view on things.

Hi DensleyBlair - I thought I'd reply to you on your last question specifically.

I'm of the opinion that you should just write when your inspiration strikes. It's not like you're being paid or anything, so just update whenever you feel comfortable. I've never been a fan of schedules for anything done for leisure as it makes things seem like too much of a chore and takes the fun out of it.

Usually, I find I can make inspiration strike if I get a good enough flow, but I definitely see your point - and, considering I seem to be really busy all of a sudden, there may be times when I have to throw any schedule out of the window.

Also, excellent work, although I don't really understand the part about the lamb =P

Cheers - and that's surrealism for you

I must agree with aniuby about inspiration.

However, I can also add that I have a feeling that people read AARs during weekends more so if you have fresh update on Friday then it will most probably be on the first page during the weekend - for more people to read Well, but I might be wrong.

Thanks for your view - and thanks for your PM.

I wouldn't explicitly update for the sake of views or comments (though, comments are most definitely a bonus ,) though it is a very good point.

Hi DensleyBlair! Excellent update per usual - love the Oppressed Mass gag!

Thanks a lot

As for updates, I'm going to third aniuby and mnplastic. I was going one a day for awhile, but it's impossible to keep up that kind of pace indefinitely and put out quality writing. My advice - go for broke on the quality! Shouldn't matter too much if you take a couple days or so off when things get hectic.

Ha! Thanks a lot. I find that quality comes with time, and I like to write these in one sitting (or there abouts, provided I haven't been sucked too deeply into whichever Blackadder I may be watching ,) so having the longer evening is really helpful - i.e., Friday.

Not that you need to worry about that so far! Keep up the great writing!

Thanks a lot.

(Also, I started watching Black Adder this past week because of this AAR. I'm now on the second series.)

Ha! Great - I must say, though, the third series is by far the best

 

[DensleyBlair]

14 - Gyrth and Girth

"Important news, milord!"

"What, Th-Thurcytel?"

"Gyrth had become the king's Keeper of the Swans."

"More like Eater of the Swans."

"Riaged! I- Hang on, aren't y-you in Nepal?"

"Turns out it hasn't been discovered yet."

"Oh, okay."

"..."

"Thurcytel, why is th-that important n-news?"

"Well... Um, it's not, really."

"Was he elected by a majority vote?"

"What? Wh-Who are you?"

"Marzhin, Marzhin of Lynn."

"Ah, the B-Breton Ass."

"*Italian, milord*"

"*Thurcytel, surely it was, in fact ass that would have been in need of correction?*"

"*Ah, yes, thank you Riaged- Mass, milord, Italian Mass*"

"Ah, the Breton Mass."

"Yeah, if you like. Come to think of it, though, Breton Ass would be quite flattering."

"How?"

"Th-That's not the point, Thurc-"

"Well, if I were known for my posterior, surely it would be a good thing?"

"Can we please drop this? This is not the place for crude jokes such as these!"

"Okay. Sorry, milord."

"R-Right, Breton Mass, why are you here?"

"Well, why don't you answer my question first?"

"Which one was that?"

"Was he elected by a majority vote?"

"Who?"

"Gyrth, milord."

"Elected where?"

"Eater of the-"

"Keeper of the Swans, you hollow skulled bastard."

"Riaged, don't be mean to Thurcytel."

"Piss of, Sherwyn."

"Okay... Sorry."

"Would someone please answer my quest-?"

"No, he was not bloody elected by a bloody majority bloody vote. The king - and he wasn't bloody elected either - granted him the position, most likely because Gyrth is a Saxon in a Norman kingdom-"

"*Norweigan*"

"In a Norman kingdom, and does therefore not appreciated being ruled over by an oppressive Norman usurper-bastard king. Having the title is meant to appease the fat bastard."

"Hang on... Does that mean that Gyrth is in fact the Oppressed Mass?"

"He would be quite a big Oppressed Mass-"

"Shut up, Sherwyn."

"Sorry."

"And, as for you, you anachronistically-liberal masochistic ponce bastard foreigner, piss off- and take your political stance with you!"

"Calm down, Riaged... Good, now please leave."

"Gladly, I think I need a lie down."

"..."

"..."

"Thank God he's gone."

--​

"Milord!"

"Yes, Thurcytel?"

"I forgot to say, your wife is pregnant!"

"How, l-long has she b-been pregnant?"

"About two months, milord."

"Oh, w-well, um... Okay:

Yes, this is a reused image.

"Was I m-meant to have done anything?"

"No, milord. I don't think so, anyway- I've never given birth myself, you see."

"Ah, th-that's a sh-shame. I c-could have done with your advice."

"My ears are burning."

"*Wh-What a shame...*"

"It's an idiom, Sherwyn- Hang on, did you just say 'what a shame?'"

"Actually, milady, it was more 'Wh-what a sh-"

"Silence!"

"Um, n-no, s-said, um, 'stop the flame?'"

"Hmph!"

"..."

"..."

"Thank God she's gone."

--

To be continued...

--

Sorry that Friday evening turned into Saturday afternoon (for me, anyway,) I got drawn into the Friday night comedy, and found I had no time left for writing.​

 

[unmerged(47028)]

So does Sherwyn have any children or his wife just get pregnant from time to time?