The Timurid Scientists AAR

[Peter Ebbesen]

Rebels!

...Just passed 20,000 VP of which only 559 from diplomacy...Interesting....Oh, it's the 1st of the month.... 18xENTER...Must fight rebels...Let's convert a province. 9% chance? Great, let's do it! 1 diplomat per month when not at war? No problem, that's close to 1,92 diplomats per month on average over a century.

Sigh. Conquering the world would be so much easier with better monarchs.
Enough complaints already! Next installment within 50 hours from this mark.

...I wish EU2 kept track of how many rebels I had killed. It would be an interesting statistic

 

[unmerged(6909)]

It's already said by others: well written!

I also like the way you labeled your masterplan-maps

Do you think that you'll get enough colonists/missionairies to convert the whole world and/or color the whole map purple?

 

[Peter Ebbesen]

Originally posted by Nebukadnezar

Do you think that you'll get enough colonists/missionairies to convert the whole world and/or color the whole map purple?

Convert it? Not a chance. 2 missionaries per year at 7% - 21% chance of conversion for non-pagan provinces (due to very bad monarchs) makes that impossible. I am trying to stamp out the orthodox faith from south to north, allowing me, should things get truly desperate, to dump my religious tolereance to orthodox. (Which would then cause rebellions in Northern Russia, where the rebels would tend to freeze to death). Currently my tolerance is shia 0 (none left ), catholic 5, protestant 5, orthodox 5, and Sunni 10.

Colouring the entire map purple? Well, it just might happen... Currently I am getting 4.8 colonists per year, and have nearly run out of Siberian development prospects (I develop all those to provinces rather than merely colonies, it has really paid off in the long run). If I start making do with inherited trade posts and smaller colonies (since I wont gain manpower outside Asia, China, Siberia, and India), I should be capable of filling in whatever remains in the last 50 years (currently 1771, and I have just completed my largest diplo-annexation ever)

Of course all this presupposes that I don't get hit by civil war or a very large number of stablosses in a short time while at high war exhaustion. Due to the enormous number of non-sunni provinces, stability now costs 3-4 months to recoup, up from the 2 month low, but even a few months of many revolts (i.e 20+/mth) would cause a significant reduction in income, and thus an increase in the stability recuperation time - and time for even more rebellions...

Or, perhaps worst of all, the Pope in exile with the aid of the Lenape might finish the Manhatten project...

Sorry, that was pretty longwinded. And it is 02:36 I see. I had better go to bed and sleep.

 

[Edgar Francis I]

Just for the record, the Hojo-bubu Junior entries are much funnier if you read them aloud.

Although it did take me roughly 20 minutes to parse out a respectable pronunciation of "obritelate".

But less than fifty years remain... can it all be done it time?

EF1

 

[Peter Ebbesen]

Originally posted by Edgar Francis I
Just for the record, the Hojo-bubu Junior entries are much funnier if you read them aloud.

Although it did take me roughly 20 minutes to parse out a respectable pronunciation of "obritelate".

But less than fifty years remain... can it all be done it time?

EF1

Yes, shame about his writing impediment, though. Sometimes he writes 'l' rather than 'r' like when he misspells 'courd' 'could'

obritelate: pronounced o-brit-e-late. O as in snow, brit as in Britain, e as in eh, late as in, well, late. Simple, really.
As for how things go, wait and see. All I can say is, thank god for max decentralisation.

 

[Peter Ebbesen]

Installment the tenth

The Timurids Scientists: The Pope-in-exile and Dark Lord

A cozy fireside chat in Delhi.

"...The burden of command rests heavily on my shoulders, Bursar. I have even started dreaming of our future, and I know little rest. It is an omen, I reckon. Something bad is coming, I can feel it."

"Truly?"

"Yes. I know not what form it will take, but my dreaming occasionally turns to nightmares. Just the other night I was dreaming that the Nobles, those dummies, demanded increased pensions in July 1755, and that I accepted!"

"What happened then?"

"Nightmare be damned, this was so silly that I fell over in my sleep and woke, as my head crashed to the desktop. But enough about me. Tell me of Friedrich II of Prussia."

"The Order reports that Friedrich II of Prussia is a commander without equal. Aided by a highly trained general staff, his armies, small though they may be, are overrunning his neighbours. He has been constantly at war for at least 13 years, as witnessed by the Prussian war exhaustion, yet shows no sign of stopping. Rebellions are put down instantly. Obviously he must have supernatural aid - there is no way a one province minor could expand so rapidly otherwise! Being an infidel, he is not aided by Allah. This being the case, the Order postulates his possession of a wishing lamp."

"Interesting. All right, then. Prussia will be left alone until sufficient overwhelming forces can be marshalled. What about Second Scientist, has he returned from seclusion?"

"...Not entirely. It would seem that, let me phrase it this way...Actually....No. He is nowhere to be found. The monks said he was last seen riding into the sunset a decade or two ago singing a silly ditty. Something about going west where the skies are blue, finally lost his mind, I fear."


"Lespectfurry announce the sneaky attack on Porand Malch without casus berri this yeal, 1755. Oul almies ovellan the Porish positions, and the Pores sued fol peace in Decembel, giving up Hintelpommeln, Wierkoporska, Klakow, Poznan, Malana, and Podrasia. They courd not withstand oul wrak bambaldment! These wals ale getting too easy. Youls Sincelery, Hojo Bubu-juniol" - Excerpt from: "The Purple Menace: The Central Campaign"

"I took ship back to Engrand. Imagine my sulplise, when the Pulitans decraled wal upon my allival. How thoughtfur of them. A pleasant for me, who gets so few pleasants (except fol the young nubire women, who keep thlowing themserves at me with abandon, with onry one thing on theil minds, undelused though they may be, I refel of coulse to sexuar glatification, but I digless). Aftel battre we took ovel Stlathcryde, Rincorn, Highrands, and Blistor. Blistor is a most amazing prace. The ord city centle was razed by a most powelfur exprosion yeals ago, but it has not been rebuirt yet. It is a dalk and groomy prace, haunted onry by the tlury despelate, since it grows in the dalk." - Excerpt from Hojo Bubu-junior: "What I did on my horriday."

"...The new revolutionary armies of the Mughal Empire swept all opposition aside during the sixties. Gone was Auvergne, Bavaria, Bohemia, Flandern, Hessen, Poland, and Prussia. Reduced were Austria, England, Luxembourg, Mecklenburg, the Netherlands, Scotland, and Sweden. These were the years when armies of more than a hundred thousand men were storming the hitherho impregnable fortifications of Europe, painting the map purple, wherever they went. But even as battle raged in the remains of Christian Europe, the tides of war were flowing ever westward. Leaving behind the endless rebellions, the great general took to his ships, and sailed to the new World, seeking a worthier challenge. And what a challenge it would prove to be. Not because or arms, not because of politics, but because of the multiplicity of Indian nations. No sooner would he end a war with one nation, than another would declare war. From Eskimalt in the North, to the Falkland islands in the south, Mughal Armies were occupying European colonies or fighting indians. From 1760-1780 the Empire knew only 1 year and three months of peace. It is a staggering thought, that despite the recruitment of some 200,000 men per year, the army remained nearly constant in size, with the exception of the terrible years 1778-1780." - Excerpt from: "Mighty Mughals: The Great General"


Two messengers approach the Chief Scientist. Upon closer inspection, they seem somewhat frightened.

"...Terrible news, Chief Scientist. The Pope, long presumed dead, has appeared briefly in Portugal. Gathering the best and the brightest of the Christians, he has set sail for the new World, there to continue the fight against us!", said a nameless messenger, who really should have a name, but, well, what with his imminent demise, it's hardly worth the trouble making you care, really.

"So it comes to this. When did this happen?", asked Chief Scientist.

"Five years ago, your excell...AARRRGHHH, no, not the snake pit, ARGHHHHHH....Thump"

"What a dummy, I want news, not olds. Anyone can deliver olds. And what did you have to relate?", he asked the second, and now thoroughly terrified, messenger, who for obvious reasons (see above), will also remain nameless.

"...Uhhmm. Itwouldappearthatthepope, whoisnotquiteasdeadashewasrumouredtobe, hasofferedagreatamountofmoneytoanyonewho [gulp] cantakeyourhead. AssassinsareapproachingDelhifromalldirections. Therehasalreadybeenseveralbattlesbetweenvariouscontenders. Anyonecouldbeanassassinmylord, beware! Oh no, look, behind YOU!"

As Chief Scientist turned around, slowly and dignified, the Assassin withdrew a dagger from his sleave, and struck carefully, the dagger sliding effortlessly through the thin fabric of the robes, between the ribs, and into the heart, of Chief Scientist. The backhand blow which followed caught the innocent victim on his head, and sent him careening into the wall. Striving to keep on his feet, blood bubbling from his mouth, he desperately tried to avoid the following up blows. But to no avail.

Finally a fist caught him in the stomach and sent him spiralling out of the tower window, and to his agonizing death, far below.

The killer stood silently for a moment, then turned, as the Bursar stepped out from the shadows.

The Bursar surveyed the situation with a most unbursurial calm, went and looked out through the window, seemed to be weighing alternatives for a moment or two, then, apparently coming to a satisfactory conclusion, he turned and said to the killer:

"What a shame. Still, you win some, you lose some. And it was for the best, anyway. He never suspected a thing."

A moment of silence was broken by the killer's roaring voice, and a most dreadful voice it was indeed, filled with an almost inhuman wrath.

"IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY, BURSAR! MY ROBES ARE RUINED, I TELL YOU, RUINED! LOOK HOW MY BLOOD IS EVEN NOW DISSOLVING THE VERY FABRIC! (HMM, AND EATING THROUGH THE FLOOR AS WELL, I SEE)", replied Chief Scientist and added, in a somewhat lower voice, "and I always hate doing a heart transplant. Getting all those internal thingies connected just right, when I have to see my actions in a mirror, is a real bother. When I catch that silly Pope, I will make him rue the day he was born. It will, perhaps, be time to revive some of the tortures I invented when I was a Pirate King."

"As you say, sir, as you say.", replied the Bursar.

"Send armies to the New World. Inundate the provinces with exquisitors, find him and bring him to me, that I may bind him in darkness."

"But there are so many indians. I mean, there was one, there were two, there were three small indians", the Bursar began carefully, aware that he stood on the very brink of insanity.

"WHAT?"

"There were four, there were five, there were six small indians", continued the Bursar taking the plunge.

"WHAT!!!!!"

"There were.... A lot of small indians, sir. And according to the Masterplan we were to ignore the New World, sooooo", he babbled on.

A broken moment in time, a split chance to avoid the future, which way would the guillotine fall? Heads, or tails?

Heads.

"FUCK THIS MASTERPLAN SHIT. I CRAVE BLOOD! The skies shall rain fire, the seas shall be as blood, the stones shall tears of pain weep, the earth shall tremble beneath the weight of my armies, the very air shall resound with the cries of the damned, and the living shall envy the dead, for there shall be no sanctuary from my righteous wrath, and no rest for the wicked. I SHALL PAINT THE WHOLE WORLD PURPLE!", Chief Scientist replied in a hollow voice, as darkness gathered around him, and fire lit his eyes.

"Perhaps, just perhaps, you are overreacting to a single politically motivated act of aggression, Chief Scientist. Please reconsider, Chief, I beg you.."

"No way, dummy. No way! My mind is set. I will personally take control of the European front. Cry havoc, and let loose the Wlaks of War!", and Chief Scientist, cloaked in Shadows and crowned with Flames, strode from the room.

...


"Lespectfurry announce the seizure of Manhatten flom the Renape this Decembel Filst, 1768. Found remains of growing mateliar flom Blistor in seclet rabalatoly. Put to question, rocars infolm us that Chlistian Scientists wele wolking on urtla seclet ploject named Manhatten Ploject on oldels of Pope in exire. They nevel expected us to forrow so soon. Unfoltunately theil wheleabouts ale unknown. Prease send exquisitols immediatery. This courd change the coulse of the wal! Youls Sincelery, Hojo-Bubu-juniol" - Top Secret communique to Chief Scientist, December 1768

Dear benevolent, all-conquering, world-shattering, very-nearly-omniscient, Chief Scientist. Please allow us to surrender the vast majority of our holdings, as reparations for the insulting declaration of war we delivered two years ago. We disavow the Pope and support you fully. Please do not reject this earnest appeal like the last five appeals. You are, after all, the world's foremost humanitarian.

Yours sincerely,
FRANCE.



"Good point. Humanitarian with a heart of gold, that's me. A big old softy, really. And it is time to return to Delhi. They must have finished painting it purple by now, example to the nation, right? Right. Or the Bursar will be in deep trouble. All right, I'm quiet, and in control. Bwahahahaha. Ahem. Peace it is with France....for now."

The Purple Menace, Europe, 1769. France gets peace at last.

"...As per standing orders, the unhappy artisans were executed, as were the Nobles who allied with Portugal. In other news, Hojo Bubu-junior has conquered 18 provinces from the small red indians. Despite the monthly average of 10 rebellions, spirits are high in the capital, no doubt due to your inspiring colour-scheme. The latest word is, that, once again, we are at peace, since Kongo accepted a white peace. With my sincerest respect, the Bursar" - Excerpt from: "I made $$$$ fast"



International diplomacy, 1771.

Dear whatever dummy commands Mali at the moment.

It has come to my attention that your country has been a faithful vassal for more than two decades. Unfortunately, I have lately noticed that your nation is represented by a most nauseating colour on my maps. Purple is much to be preferred. Under the circumstances, the neighbourly thing for me to do would be to offer you, dummy, the opportunity to join the Mughal Empire, and it would be the neighbourly thing for you to do, to accept.

I always do the neighbourly thing (it keeps bloodshed and carnage to a minimum).

Yours Sincerely,
Chief Scientist.



Dear Chief Scientist.

I always do the neighbourly thing too. Our 23 provinces are now part of the Mughal Empire and the Purple Menace. Please send purple paint.

Yours Sincerely,
Head Dummy.



The Purple Menace, Africa, 1771. Mali is diplo-annexed

"...In those days were Ethiopia and Zimbabwe sunnified, and the people cried out, there is only one god, he is the sunny god, Ra! Ra! Ra! And while the Order of the Lamp Martial kept it's main attention on the remaining Orthodox provinces of the Mughal Empire, it yet turned a tiny bit of it's attention to New World. It was time to light a fire"- Excerpt from "Order of the Lamp Martial: Paladins or Pyromaniacs?"

"...1773 saw Carlos III of Spain elected Holy Roman Emperor by default, there being no Electors left under Mughal control. Carlos thus became the titular ruler of a non-existant empire. The Scandinavian campaign saw both Denmark and Sweden occupied, but the cronic lack of Mughal diplomats, prevented their annexation. Norway was little better off, as Mughal armies descended upon Iceland in the winter 1773-1774

The Purple Menace, Invasion of Iceland

Though Sweden was annexed in March 1774, the continous wars had created a backlog of contries waiting to be annexed. At this time it consisted of Denmark, Scotland, Provence, and Huron. The New World Expeditionary Forces under the command of the Great General, were incredibly active. Thus, by the time of the annexation of Scotland in March 1775 (following the annexation of Denmark, September 1774), the backlog had not shrunk. It had only changed it's membership, and consisted of Provence, Huron, Brazil, and Mexico. By the time the Netherlands caved in (temporarily, at least), much of Northern America was in Mughal hands, as is shown on this old map.

The Purple Menace, Northern America, 1775

In Africa, fighting was less fierce, due to the backwardness of the natives. Small Mughal armies regularly crushed large mobs of natives. The invasion of Benin and Kongo, 1776, was typical.

The Purple Menace, Invasion of Benin and Kongo, 1776

War Exhaustion coupled with nationalism was, of course, causing a great number of rebellions. Seen in this light, the buildup of Siberian colonies is a great tribute to the foresight of earlier rules. Steadily growing from humble beginning of only 700-2000 inhabitants in the provincial capital, now, a century later, they were responsible for the raising of 18,700 men per year, that is about 9% of the total manpower, and these provinces never, ever, revolted. Add to that their significant trade and is is a clear lesson to all, that colonisation does pay. And the men were needed. By 1777, the seventh year of the long war, war exhaustion reached new levels, and Russia declared it's independence, in the province of Vladimir. Reserve armies were rushed in, but the first three assaults failed in the snows of Russia. As rebellions were approaching 13 per month on average in January 1778, and losses to rebels were greater than new recruitment, it became clear that unless peace could soon be achieved, the empire might start to break up. So peace was the objective, but how? Only two trained diplomatic missions were on hand, but the Mughals had four wars to fight:

- They could annex Mexico at any time, but this would give the Empire a common border with the Aztec Empire, and, presumably, a new declaration of war.

- They could make peace with Navarra, but if anything was gained, the Empire would gain a common border with Catalunya, and, presumably, a new declaration of war.

- They could annex the French Catholics, gaining a common border with Catalunya, so....

- They had to annex Russia, when Vladimir fell.

And, according to the usual 5 year truces, the Cherokee and Iroqouis would probably declare war in December, 1779.

If things looked slightly desperate in January, imagine how the Khan must have felt, when Brittanny declared war in April. Not too good, probably. Perhaps even worried. This, perhaps, explains why he completely ignored the corruption scandal of '78, which was brought to light in the middle of April. Or perhaps he had some premonition that the reannexation of Russia was at hand. April 30th saw the fourth assault succeed after more than 80,000 brave Mughal soldiers had given their lives for their country, and Russia was reannexed. Any momentary happiness was probably overshadowed by the declaration of war by La Plata (a minor South American country) in May. But then July saw both the annexation of La Plata and Brittanny, and the construction of the first Triple decker warships. With war exhaustion at an all-time high of +8%, the first rebellions were seen in the Sunni non-state-cultured provinces, where defences were few (China merited a scant 100,000 men, Japan another 100,000, Indochina perhaps 40,000, and Indonesia perhaps 70,000 (dispersed on several islands)). When the French Catholics were annexed in 1778, Catalunya declared war, and by 1779, Norway, having recuperated from the defeat of 1774, joined the fight again. But the heaviest blow cam in June 1779, when the Inca Empire laid it's long war with Chimu to rest, and declared war upon the Mughal Empire. A hasty reserve army of 50,000 men was launched from Thrace, while the Great General dispatches 40,000 men from the Bahamas. Both fleets had to sail all the way round South America, to reach the scene of battle. Then, most fortunately, in September 1779, the Mexican ambassador offered peace giving the Empire 503 ducats, Mexico having for years been occupied. This was gratefully accepted, since it meant, that the Empire avoided a border with Mexico. As the first ships arrived off the coast of the Inca Empire, and after 50,000 men had stormed the first fortress, and taken it in two days of fighting, the Mughal Empire finally had peace after ten long years of war." - Excerpt from: "Mighty Mughals: The Long War

"Peace, you say? Well, about time. I think I got a bit carried away there. Yes, Bursar, what is it?", said Chief Scientist, his Mantle of Shadows slowly receding, his eyes losing their fiery glare.

"Hojo Bubu-junior just reported that the Cherokee and Iroqouis have declared war. The peace thus lasted 17 days, which is a prime, so that is all right."

"On the other hand, perhaps not.", said Chief Scientist, as the Shadows returned.



To be continued.

 

[Faeelin]

Hmm, the leaders of the Manhatten project escaped? Interesting. Greaty story, let's see if the Pope will ever be found.

BTW, I came to a realization.

Data for the ALU:
Meteors are one of the world's first jets.
Jets are a type of airplane.
Therefore, Meteors may be launched from carriers.
Peasants are terrified by meteor sightings.
Meteor sightings have grown more frequent.

Hypothesis (Pending ALU conclusion, of course): The British are building up a force of meteors which with to cause your empire to collapse.

Possible Solutions:
Build comets to counteract Meteors. Unreccomended, as The knowledge of producing comets won't come around until 1950.

Develop inter continental ballistic wlaks. Using these icbw's, it is hoped that we can crush the British meteor rallying stations.

Conquer England. Additional bonus: We get another center of trade. Can never have too many centers of trade.

 

[Laur]

I see your Chief Scientist has found his "Heart of Darkness" Will he sail towards it on the dark waters of the Zaire?

Laur

 

[Altuar]

Sweet mother of Purple! You are crazy.

 

[Sharur]

Wow. Those last installments were absolutely hilarious. I just about fell off my chair.

"Cry havoc, and let loose the wlaks of war!"- Chief Scientist.

That was a great concluding line to the funniest meeting I've read about in a long time

 

[unmerged(2848)]

save game

any chance we could get a hand on one of your save games? I'd love to just look around a world painted purple!

Thanks

 

[unmerged(6777)]

Those Cherokee and Iroquois are in for a rude awakening! I sense that even more of North America is about to find itself funding the research projects of the Chief Scientist in the very near future. Fortunately he's a "Chief" so they ought to feel right at home.

 

[Peter Ebbesen]

And in response to the many comments....

- Faelin: Airplanes are balloons, not jets , and Metor Sightings are actually down. But the ICBWs might be worth considering. Can't have too many COTs? I don't know. At the moment, the Mughal Empire has 25 COTs and a monopoly in 16 of them. Seems very nearly enough to me.

- Laur: Heart of Darkness? Whatever can you be thinking of. I'll have you know that Chief Scientist's newest heart is at least 50% gold. And as for sailing in PTI, well....

- Artual: Do you have any ploof? Any ploof at arr?

- Sharur: Thanks. I hoped that would be the case. It was great fun writing, I tell you.

- BJCard: I guess you could write me an email adress and a desired time period, and then I just might zip one of the saves and mail it to you. Unfortunately I don't have access to a server on which I can put them right now.

- MrT: How true! Finally the pesky small red indians will be ruled by a big Chief.

 

[unmerged(2848)]

save game

Any save game would be great, but it would be great to get the latest one. Thanks!

BJCard@mail.utexas.edu

Quick Question-
Your location says Denmark... will your save game work with the North American version of EUII?

 

[unmerged(6777)]

Re: save game

Originally posted by BJCard
Quick Question-
Your location says Denmark... will your save game work with the North American version of EUII?

Probably. It's the copy protection on the CD that's different but the save game files are likely to be identical. Might be a question to throw up on the GD forum...

 

[Laur]

was refering to Joseph Conrad's book "Heart of Darkness," which was transformed by F.F. Coppolla into the movie "Apocalypse Now."

Laur

 

[Altuar]

Come on man, we're waiting hungrily for the next installment of Purple and Scientists.

 

[Peter Ebbesen]

Interlude: A Premonition of the Last Days

Originally posted by Altuar
Come on man, we're waiting hungrily for the next installment of Purple and Scientists.

You'll just have to wait something like 24 hours from this mark. I'm not that great at graphical editing (as you may have noticed), but I need to do quite a lot of it for the next installment, which, inter alia, will be the final chapter...
Oh, well. A brief quote from Hojo Bubu-junior, then, to tide you over.

Arr was dalk, when we made oul finar apploach on the Dubrin Ploject (lenamed flom Manhatten Ploject aftel they fred us filst time). No bild was on wing, no wind swept thlough the blanches. No sound was heald at arr! The summel night was walm and quiet as the glave, when finarry we had the site sullounded. Flom each and evely side malched Mughar folces of letlibution. On this day thele wourd be no escape fol the wicked. On this day the Tellollists wourd be blought to face the finar justice of my gleat fliend Chief Scientist. And on this day the Axis of Evir wourd cease to exist, fol Pope, Chlistian Scientists and theil camp forrowels, had arr been caught as lats in a tlap!

Then, suddenry, the sky rit up with file, and a tlemendous voice was heald, clying out to the vely heavens themserves, clying: "Consider the guns blessed and make my day! For today I am become Death, destroyer of worlds", and I knew a fruttel of feal in my healt, fol in my healt I knew that voice. Neveltheress, my duty was creal, and onry one path ray open to satisfy my honoul. Even as the filst rong lange missires rifted out flom the site, I carred the chalge!"

 

[Sharur]

letlibution & tellollists

 

[Peter Ebbesen]

Installment the eleventh: The Final Chapter

The Timurids Scientists: The Axis of Evil


"Deal Chief Scientist. It has been a couple of stlange yeals hele in New Wolrd. I lespectfurry announce annexation of Chelokee, Aplir 1780, and folmation of independent United States flom England, May 1780. This rittre thlee plovince statret fries a most stlange frag, a frag with stals leplesenting states and stlipes leplesenting something erse. Thele ale, howevel, mole stals than they have states, so I assume they ale expansionist. Arso a tladingpost in Haiti decraled independence, but befole my 4,000 stlong lerief folce courd allive, the tlaitols sullelendeled, giving themserves up, and dissorving themserves. Stlange indeed. Meanwhire Cleek have lost Savannah, Tuscaroosa, and Seminore, Septembel 1780, same month as Iloqouis was annexed. Sholtry aftelwalds, news allived that United States was laising plofessionar almy and plinting mole money. I terr you this tlury, they laised an amazing almy of 50,000 men, which is implessive consideling theil smarr size! Anyhow, I have just annexed Shawnee this Septembel 1781, blining armost arr the smarr led indians undel Mughar Lure, and am rooking folwalds to some lest and lecleation, if you know what I mean, am I'm sule that you do. You wirr be happy to know, that most smarr led indians ale now happy to be red by big chief. Have found no tlaces of Pope-in-exire, unfoltunatery. Youls Sincelery, Hojo Bubu-juniol" - Excerpt from: "The Purple Menace: The New World"


Returned from the front Chief Scientist, looking somewhat tired after a decade of war, goes through the checklist with the Bursar.

"...Yes, Chief Scientist. You can safely add Aragon, Benin, Navarra, and the English Puritans to the 'gone' list. The few remaining belligerent European nations, by which I mean, of course, the Netherlands, Portugal, France, and England, are also busily shedding provinces. It is only a matter of time before they go the way of the dodo, really", said the Bursar.

"East? Why would they go east? Well, never mind, Bursar, never mind. Now tell me how young Gauss is progressing."

"He is still learning to manipulate the ALU. Really, he is much too young to be using such a sophisticated tool. He keeps playing Mughal Universalis like the other youngsters, well, actually, not quite like the others... He claims to be working on an improved simulation."

"Adequate for an eight year old, I guess. Remember to transfer him to weapons development in a decade or so. And how fares the Order of the Lamp Martial viz. the Pope?"

"Latest reports seem to indicate a southwards migration of the Manhatten Project. The Pope is rumoured to be personally in charge. But there's an awful lot of places to hide in the central or southern parts of the New World, so it may take some time."

"Hmm. Keep on it. Ok, things seems to be under control. I think it is time for me to relax and have a long nap. I'll set the alarm clock for 1790 and put up a do not disturb sign. And don't wake me up early, except in case of a dire emergency, and I really mean it, Bursar."


"...Central and Southern America had been spared the ever spreading Purple Menace for decades, but all that came to the end in 1785. Mexico fell to a small Mughal army even while 135,000 men in two armies landed in the hitherho sacred Inca lands. Within a month or two the war spread to the Aztec Empire as 70,000 men landed in Tlaxcala. From the marshalling yards of Thrace and Anatolya armies were regularly transported to the New World. Hundreds of ships sailed the waves, bringing the might of the Empire to bear against the pagans. The results were as devastating as they were conclusive. By January 1786 the Inca Empire lost six coastal provinces, these being Lima, Arequipa, Moquega, Arica, Atacama, and Coquimbo, and by June the Aztecs caved in giving up Tampico, Tlaxcala, Campeche, Costa Rica, Atlixco, Guatemala, Yucatan, Tehuantepec, Nicaragua, and Honduras.

The Purple Menace, North America, 1786

Flush with these new conquests the Great General declared war upon Spain without a casus belli the very same month. All over the world Mughal armies moved in to occupy the plentiful but pitiful Spanish possessions. Staggered by their losses, and suffering bankruptcy as usual, the Spanish Government collapsed under it's own weight in January 1787. Thirty-two liberated tradingposts and three provinces joined the Mughal Empire. The Empire thus gained tradingposts near Navaho land, so the suicidal Navaho declaration of war came as no surprise to the Great General. A half year of fighting saw the Navaho beaten and their land claimed." - Excerpt from: "The Purple Menace: The Great General"



The twenty-seven Mongol trumpeteers had failed. The Mughal Cardinal Choir had failed as well. The Norwegian fish-swingers (don't even ask) were no more succesful. Neither did the Russian exploding bear act, nor the Japanese No theatre. The levitating Tibetan monks and their all Mughal Brass Band had caused a minor earthquake, but failed. Nor did the Swiss Jodelers, normally classified as weapons of mass destruction, succeed. There was no way out. Someone had to take the risk. Someone expendable.

The Bursar knocked on the door. A single knock, hardly worthy of it's name. A knocklet, really.

The door slunk open, and in the opening, Chief Scientist. Funky nightcap on head, rabbit-slippers, eyes twinkling, on feet. His purple ermine pajamas prominently displayed. In a quiet, yet strangely dangerous voice, he whispered words of dreadful warning, concerning the inevitable, yet unenviable, end of those who would disturb his slumber.

"But, Chief Scientist, it is 1796! You have overslept by six years, and we need your guidance desperately. The ALU has just compiled a weird report, and I fear it's conclusions mightily.", the Bursar burbled rapidly.

"Well, never let it be said, that I do not step up to the occasion. Come the moment, come the man, as I say. Am I right, or am I right, Bursar?"

"Right, of course."

"Right!"

ALU report June, 1796:
Report consists of two (2) parts. Good news and bad news.

Good news:

Recent annexations:
Catalunya, Granada (diplomatic), England, Kongo, Navaho, the Netherlands, Portugal.

Recent reductions:
Aztec Empire, Chimu, Dakota, Inca Empire, France, Spain, United States.

Objectives completed:
Recruited Carl Friedrich Gauss to junior scientist rank.
Occupied French and English coastal provinces to prevent aircraft carrier development.
Occupied Kola.


Bad News:

Eire:
Green Isle. Ignored until now due to camouflage colouration. Is currently interfering with European centres of trade. Rabidly Catholic.

France:
French Revolution of 1789 spawned a radical republic. The republic spawned a Reign of Terror. Though much reduced, France is still a going concern. The Mughal Empire is currently at war with France.

Sardinia:
Brown Isle. Has attempted to hide from Mughal forces in mediterranean. Is currently interfering with European cnetres of trade. Is somewhat fishy.

The Pope in Exile
Evidence suggest the Pope in Exile is receiving strong financial support from non-Mughal countries. Recent evidence found in the ruins of Iowa (93) and Atalaya (94) suggests the Pope and his Christian Scientists are coming dangerously close to uncovering the secrets of the atom. Capured personnel revealed nothing due to instant brain-malfunctioning upon interrogation, yet Irish and French personnel was identified. Sardinian ships were observed leaving Central America in 1795. Probability approaches unity that the Pope in Exile is supported by Eire, France, and Sardinia.

Conclusion:
The Pope in Exile has formed an Axis of Evil consisting of Eire, France, and Sardinia. The Manhatten Project has likely been relocated to Europe. They must be stopped before they unveil the secret of the atom and go nuclear.

The Axis of Evil, 1796

"...Hmmm. Not much of an Axis, if I do say so myself, and I do. All bendy and no secret handshake, from what I hear tell. Yet, even a bendy axis can be scary with nuclear arms. It would be better if I kept my monopoly - and no, Bursar. You don't need to understand this. Just consider the fate of Bristol where I once detonated a pair of my slippers, if you want to consider that damage possible. We will have to approach this carefully, yes Bursar?"

"Are you saying that the Pope could get his hands on something as explosive as your slippers!", the Bursar exclaimed, afhast.

"Just possibly, yes."

"Oh my God! This is awful. This is beyond scary, it terrifies me. We must stop these terrorists before they bring about new clear armageddon", the Bursar continued.

"Hardly terrible, if that were to occur. The fields of Meggido are only a small part of one province, when all is said and done, but you do have a way with words. Terrorists they are. It sounds much better that scaryrists. But this needs careful planning. Firstly, let us start by recalling Hojo Bubu-junior, and putting him in charge of offensive operations. Secondly let him cooperate with Gauss on new weapons development... Yes Bursar?"

"But Gauss prefers doing mathematics and astronomy...."

"Bah. He will do weapons development if I say so, and I do. Thirdly continue offensive operations in the New World. And fourthly..."

"Yes, Chief Scientist?"

"Get me some breakfast. I am starving."

...

"Lespectfurry announce annexation of United States, Aztec Empile and Inca Empile plevious to my letuln to Eulope. I have stalted deveropment of smalt weapons with young blight scientist Gauss. These wirr be a new genelation of file-and-folget weapons. Initiarry we ale tlying to clossbleed Bonsai-Wrak with common calliel-pigeon. Despite initiar plobrems wolk ploglesses apace. It is amazing what I can do with my big hammel and adjustabre nut-clackel, learry. I am going to tly to knock out Saldinia flom the Arriance of Evir initiarry. One swift stlike to lemove theil rogistics suppolt. Youls Sincelery, Hojo Bubu-juniol" - Excerpt from: "The Purple Menace: The War against Terror"

The War against Terror, Invasion of Sardinia, 1797

"Success! The Saldinians wele taken by sulplise by oul decralation of wal. Almies undel my command have arso leduced Flance to onry thlee plovinces: Ire de Flance, Culacao, and Jarisco. They ale arr Centles of Tlade. This must be how they finance the Manhatten Ploject! I wirr now let Eile and Flance arone fol a few yeals, whire we tighten oul nets, to plevent dastaldry tellolists flom escaping oul mighty emblace. Ret them be rurred into a farse feering of seculity, whire we plepale fol the finar showdown. Youls Sincelery, Hojo Bubu-juniol. NB: Have accidentarry annexed Spain whire wliting rettel. These things happen." - Excerpt from: "The Purple Menace: The War against Terror"


"...It was good having Hojo Bubu-junior in charge of the European armies again. Even if, at times, he got a bit distracted by the nearest skirt, and even if he spent half of his time chasing women of negotiable, or, occasionally, non-negotiable, virtue, let me assure you that as well as being our best general, he was also the consummate gentleman. He accepted 'No' as an answer, unlike so many other rapists. Unfortunately, he thought it was a kind of theatre, but people ought to be more tolerant of these cultural differences. The worst were probably the Italians with their "Rape of the Sabines 2: The Legend Continues", but I digress. The War against Terror brought many sacrifices. I, personally, sacrificed a tear when I heard that Aedh XVI* of Eire was elected Holy Roman Emperor in June 1798. I honestly didn't think there was a single elector left, but one of them must have escaped by boat to Eire, or the Pope must have intervened, for suddenly that green Northern Dummy claimed the title of Emperor. Pitiful, really. Almost as pitiful as the French, who suddenly decided they needed brilliant leadership (good idea), and decided to put their trust in some nobody named Napoleon Bonaparte (bad idea) - they should have surrendered and called me using the new telegraphs that are being built now. Soon they will be linking all the major cities of the empire, and we will no longer be limited by the speed of men and horses for the distribution of news. It will be a brave new world, soon. I can't wait for those Englishmen to finish developing the Steam Engine. I want industrialization, soon. Oh, well. Those are the breaks." - Chief Scientist: Dialogues CCIX

"Into the mountains of Jarisco, onto the sholes of Culacao, yes even into the vely healt of Flance, the Mughar Almies of letlibution ale malching even as I molse! A blave sight it is to see the almies of justice stolming the bastions of the floggies. Cowel, blief moltars, fol it is Hojo Bubu-juniol who has come today! Cly in youl sleep, folsake youl alms, sullendel to my paradins, ol die like flogs, dissected fol my amusement. Heh, I terr a rie. Die, evir Tellolists, youl time is on hand! Sullendel now, Naporeon Bonapalte" - Telegram sent to embattled French government during the war of 1801

The War against Terror, Invasion of France, 1801

"Finarry we stluck at Eile! Though they may have expected the Mughar Empile to stlike soonel ol ratel, we stluck with no walning at arr, catching them unawales. Mighty folces had I gatheled fol this conflontation, to ensule that evely lat lemained tlapped upon the Island. We scouled the Island flom South to Nolth, but found no Pope - no Pope at arr. What a shame. Foltunatery I found some nice young gleen-eyed witches, who comfolted me when I was srightry sad - which I often was, fol some leason ol anothel. The tares I courd terr, wele it not fol the young eyes which might see these lepolts; the nights of passion and unealthry derights I enduled, the tlick wheleby thlee of them (it's tlue! thlee of them), using a bubbry bath, a lubbel duck, and five candres, at the same time wourd - but I digless. Youls Sincelery, Hoho Bubu-juniol." - Excerpt from: "The Purple Menace: The War against Terror"

The War against Terror, Invasion of Eire, 1802

"...While the War against Terror was progressing according to plan, the rest of the world was being painted purple. Soon we had tradingposts or colonies nearly everywhere. The Order of the Lamp Martial was busy as well. By December 1803 they finally converted Aleppo, in the 10th or 11th attempt, or something like that, and only seven or eight orthodox provinces were left, all in the snows of Russia. Nevertheless, I was a bit startled, when Napoleon Bonaparte became Emperor of France in 1804. Emperor of a one province landlocked nation surrounded by the Mughal Empire. Sure, that's a grand title, dummy. And one of our Norwegian generals forgot to keep his eyes on Sweden, and poof, a newly independent Sweden in Västergötland. It lasted from February to June, 1806, so no harm done. Gave the local garrisons some exercise storming the Mighty fortress of Västergötland, but with 80,000 men and 350 cannon, well, let's just say, the fortress was reduced to rubble in no time at all. 1807 marked the pivotal year. We reached level 60 in naval and military technology, and annexed France, though Napoleon Bonaparte escaped. Oh, and we had a new khan, Akbar II, who was actually less stupid than most of his predecessors. Not that that was much of an achievement, but it marked a definite change to the better. And, of course, 1807 marked the final showdown with the Axis of Evil. Orchestrated by Hojo Bubu-Junior, overwhelming forces had been brought to bear.." - Chief Scientist: Dialogues CCXII


The War against Terror, The Assault on the Dublin Project, 1807

Arr was dalk, when we made oul finar apploach on the Dubrin Ploject (lenamed flom Manhatten Ploject aftel they fred us filst time). No bild was on wing, no wind swept thlough the blanches. No sound was heald at arr! The summel night was walm and quiet as the glave, when finarry we had the site sullounded. Flom each and evely side malched Mughar folces of letlibution. On this day thele wourd be no escape fol the wicked. On this day the Tellolists wourd be blought to face the finar justice of my gleat fliend Chief Scientist. And on this day the Axis of Evir wourd cease to exist, fol Pope, Chlistian Scientists and theil camp forrowels, had arr been caught as lats in a tlap!

Then, suddenry, the sky rit up with file, and a tlemendous voice was heald, clying out to the vely heavens themserves, clying: "Consider the guns blessed and make my day! For today I am become Death, destroyer of worlds.", and I knew a fruttel of feal in my healt, fol in my healt I knew that voice. Neveltheress, my duty was creal, and onry one path ray open to satisfy my honoul. Even as the filst rong lange missires rifted out flom the site, I carred the chalge!"

Revenge is mine at last! Thought Second Scientist, aka. Napoleon Bonaparte, aka. the Pope in Exile, and a most evil thought it was indeed. With one bold stroke he would obliterate Delhi, Samarkand, Chief Scientist's summer observatory in Bahrein, Chief Scientist, and, not incidentally, the rather large army storming his position. Finally he would take his revenge for centuries of humiliation, pain, and ridicule. Finally he would gain peace of mind. And with the passing of Chief Scientist, the world would need a new leader, and who better than Second Scientist? A devilish plan it was indeed.

As the steampowered long range missiles, with sleek and beautiful metallic perfection, slid out of their silos and vaulted into the heavens trailing clouds of smoke, Gauss performed a few hundred complicated mathematical computations using his newly invented complex numbers, and his ditto laws of quadratic reciprocity, and adjusted the firing angles of the smart weapons. He fed each homing-Wlak a most dangerous and explosive compound and began launching them at the missiles.

Even as the almy stolmed into the bleach I heald the filst exprosion as the homing-wraks stluck theil talgets. Thank god fol the homicidar tendencies of these closs-bleeds. They learry do plefel to go out with a bang, not a whimpel. Actuarry smalt weapon is a bit of a misnomel, now that I think of it. A tlury smalt weapon wourd miss, but I digless. Not that I wourd disrike going out with a bang, if you know what I mean, am I'm sule that you do. This was when I noticed frame-thlowels! This Hojo is not going to stolm frame-thlowels, no way. I carred fol the wrak-cannon.

As the missiles were blotted out of the sky, and the wlak-cannon began firing, Second Scientist seemed to lose his composure. Only for a moment, mark you. Then his visage went all steely. Leaving his men to their fate he began descending the hidden depths under Dublin. And far, far below, in a cavern formed in ancient times by forces beyond the ken of men, he took two pieces of weapons-grade sub-critical uranium, and knocked them together.

...
...
...
...
...
KABOOOOOOMMMM!
...
...
...
...
...

Second Scientist looked at the stumps where his arms used to be, then at his ravaged stomach, and at missing legs, or rather, the smoking boots, which were all that was left of his nether regions, even as he started collapsing. This was not, most definitely not, what was supposed to happen. It could not end this way!

"Yes it can, Osama, my old friend. It ends today. Surely even a dummy like you would have noticed the weight differential between uranium and hastily painted hand-grenades, had you paused, even for a moment, to consider you actions. But you never did pause, did you? You never actually contemplated that someone might be brighter than yourself, or that someone might second-guess you, did you? You have nearly all of my vices, yet none of my virtues. Too bad. You could have served me well, otherwise, rather better than you served me unknowingly. Consider this on your way beyond the pale", said Chief Scientist, for it was he.

"Help me. Please, I beg of you..", Second Scientist rasped.

"Hmmmmm. Well, Ok. Since it is you, a single chance at redemption", went Chief Scientist.

"Thanks, Master"

"HOW STUPID CAN ANYONE ACTUALLY BE! You have already forfeited any chance to life! This," Chief Scientist roared, "is for my slippers! Ashes to ashes...". At these words hungry flames roared through the cavern, and with a single gesture of his right hand Chief Scientist reduced the body of Second Scientist to a pile of ashes. And with a gesture of his left hand a small breeze came into existence, and spread the ashes around the cavern. "...And dust to dust. Thus it ends."


The Map of the World, 1807

....No pixels were harmed during the creation of the Mughal Empire... But 28,893 VP were scored. Few of them through diplomacy.

However, an estimated 15,785,022 infantry was lost of which 8,489,445 in combat. Cavalry losses were 6,986,337 of which 4,214,155 in combat. As for artilley, well, losses were 5,603 of which 5,436 in combat.

The navy lost 240 warships and 50 transports in all, of which respectively 113 and 11 in combat.

By 1807 the monthly income was 4,413 and the yearly income approximately 56,000. Most of this wealth was generated in the 34 Centres of Trade in the Empire.

The monthly expenses were 2,312. The 6,599 artillery pieces bore the brunt of the expenses at 1,753 ducats per month. The 2,966,998 infantry and 1,557,024 cavalry only cost 435 ducats in comparison. The army supply limit of 1,249,000 men was, of course, passed a long time ago.

The navy ended up costing 124 ducats monthly for 346 warships and 216 transports. Cheap at twice the price, actually.

Aided by the cultured small red indians, the Mughal Empire had 35 fine arts academies. Rather more than the 6 naval academies or, for that matter, the 28 weapons manufactories. Beer was plentiful due to a liberal interpretation of Islam, and 41 Breweries, while goods were plentiful due to the 53 Goods Manufactories.

With no enemies left and the whole world his backyard, Chief Scientist could happily return to his studies and plans for expansion. (Though it would be three centuries before he created his first colony outside the solar system).

Hojo Bubu-junior returned to a life of R&R, taking time off, every now and then, to crush a rebellion or two. He spent a disproportionate amount of time in Eire.

The Bursar continued to run the Order of the Lamp Martial, and if the sunnification of the world was interpreted according to the wise precepts of Chief Scientist, and not, strictly speaking, in strict obedience to older Sunni interpretations, well, then so be it.

And as for the ALU?

ALU report 1819
Expiery of trial period. You forgot to register. Please beg for forgiveness or face the very Gates of Hell!

"Yeah, right. I quake in my slippers, I really do. I don't fear Gates, that silly bugger.", chuckled Chief Scientist as he smote the ALU a mighty blow with Hojo Bubu-junior's big hammer utterly reducing the Arcane Logic Unit to rubble. "I've already had Seventeenth Scientist Gauss build an improved and less obnoxious version".

And so we leave this tranquil scene and return to this evening's scheduled broadcasts. And don't forget to watch AllahVision. The TalkShow with a Vision. Or Chief Scientist might be upset.