Democracy at work.
Berlin, the Reichskanzlei. Jan 1st, 1936. 01:00.
**
Hitler storms into his office. He's followed inside by Rudolf Hess.
Hitler: I hate elections. I should have banned them long ago, that blasted Hermann wouldn't have made me waste time with his stupid plebiscite. Do you think 99% of votes to fire him sounds like a good result, Rudolf?
Hess:
Göring: Not very talkative, is he?
Hitler jumps with surprise: What the hell are you doing here? Get out! OUT!!!
Göring: And let you draw up fake results for that plebiscite? Who do you take me for, an idiot?
Hitler: Erm...
Goebbels enters without invitation. He's followed by Himmler.
Goebbels: Anybody said "plebiscite"?
Goebbels sits down. He takes a sheet of paper and a pen.
Hitler: Yes. Please write down the question we'll ask: 'Do you, the infinitely wise and intellectually superior German People, want to remove the lazy, self-centered, corrupt, ugly, pampered, ridiculously fat, morphinomaniac, art-stealing, toilet-defacing, famine-causing, and the generally useless blubbering idiot Hermann Göring from his office as Chief of the Luftwaffe - tick the box labeled "Ja!" '
Göring, sarcastic: I wonder what they'll reply.
Goebbels: Anything else?
Hitler: Yes. We're in the middle of a cabinet meeting and I need to get the results before we can go back to serious business.
Goebbels: We'll use the emergency procedure then. Heinrich?
Himmler draws his gun and points it at Göring's head.
Göring: WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
Himmler: Making sure it's a fair election.
Göring: Did you hear the question Hitler's asking? Is that your idea of "fair"?
Himmler: A fair election is when the people say what we want to hear.
The ballot drafted by Goebbels.
Goebbels ponders for a few moments, and then picks up his pen again.
Göring: What are you writing down?
Goebbels: The results of the plebiscite.
Göring: What results? You haven't even printed the ballots!
Goebbels: It's the emergency procedure. It saves time and money.
Hitler, a little hesitant: I know you're a propaganda genius, Joseph, but don't you think the people will notice they never voted when you tell them the results of the plebiscite?
Goebbels: That's why we won't tell them we had one. Can I have your Seal of Guarantee of Reliable and Democratic Election Results? I left mine at the office.
Hitler: Sure.
Goebbels: I'll need an envelope, too.
Hitler: Here you are.
Göring panics: Guys, you can't let me down that way! After all we've been through together!
Goebbels: Five deers, nine pheasants and a couple of boars. You're a decent hunter.
Göring: I wasn't talking about food!
Goebbels: Seventy-two pints of beer?
Hitler, annoyed: You guys could have invited me.
Göring: Joseph! You just can't do this!
Himmler: No interfering with the election, herr Göring.
Göring: Heinrich, we've been friends for ages!
Himmler: I'm not edible. I'm not your friend.
Goebbels: Here you are, mein Führer.
Goebbels hands Hitler the closed envelope.
Imagine a picture of
Goebbels handing Hitler
an envelope has been
posted right here
Hitler, grinning: Ah, excellent! Now we'll know the will of the German people.
Hitler rips the envelope open and reads the result Goebbels has just written on the paper.
Hitler, annoyed: Joseph, you've inverted the words "Ja" and "Nein".
Goebbels: Did I? Can you read the results aloud?
Hitler: It says: "Nein", 12.625.882, 99,81% of votes ; "Ja", 17.989, 0,19% of votes!
Goebbels: Those are the official results, yes.
Hitler, red with anger: You were supposed to get me 99% of "Ja's"!
Goebbels: The people would never have accepted that result.
Hitler: They don't even know there was a vote!
Goebbels: No, but the readAARs do, and they decided we should keep him.
Göring and Hitler turn to face YOU!
Göring: I love you!
Göring tries to kiss the readAARs, but the Fourth Wall is in the way.
DON'T imagine a picture
of Göring trying to kiss you
It's bad for your sanity
Hitler: DAS WAR EIN BEFEHL!!!
Himmler: Technically it wasn't, mein Führer. You never actually gave them the order.
Goebbels: And no Downfall references, please. They're even more commonplace than jokes about Göring and food these days.
Hitler: I will never accept that result!
Himmler draws his gun and points it at Hitler's head.
Hitler: WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
Himmler: Making sure it's a fair election.
Goebbels: Don't overdo it, Heinrich. You're already out-of-character.
Göring: Yeah, I'd never have dreamt of seeing Himmler defend democracy.
Lammers, from off-stage: Mein Führer, the readAARs want to know what decisions you'll take for the future of Germany! You should go back to your ministers!
Hitler: The readAARs have betrayed me! I will make them pay!
Himmler: They shall drown in their own blood?
Goebbels: I said "no Downfall references", Heinrich. How are you going to make them pay, mein Führer?
Hitler: I will not say another word until the next update!
**
