Suenik the Beleaguered - a None Too Serious AAR
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SUENIK THE BELEAGUERED
CHAPTER 50 - ADIOS ATHENS
(1155)
CHAPTER 50 - ADIOS ATHENS
(1155)
As you can probably tell, the campaign is going nicely. I'm happily liberating provinces from the Emperor and the Greeks are keeping nice and healthy by running from my armies at every oppertunity.
However, some people just don't know when not to push their luck (double-negative I know, but I'm the Emperor so I can say what I want) and we see the re-emergence of a fine old Suenikian tradition...
In times gone past the clergy, in time of war, would often come to the Count/Prince/King/whatever was currently on the throne of Suenik and beg for some money to rebuild whatever churches or altars the invading arabs had burned to the ground. Usually their need was one hundred percent genuine but naturally they were rebuffed. After all, as we know, the Grigor Defence requires a hearty injection of cold hard cash.
Fast forward a few decades and the clergy have it better than ever before thanks to yours truly. I'm chucking money at them every oppertunity that I get and there are churches, cathedrals and all sorts of other eclesiastical structures peppering the landscape like a bad skin rash on a plague victim's, tattered, leathery, pox-ridden skin.
However, it doesn't stop the sponging gits coming to me cap in hand...
In "time of trouble"??? There's not been a single Greek soldier set foot on Imperial soil never mind burn down a church! How exactly are these "times of trouble"? I threaten to invite some Papal represenatives over to debate theology and they quickly vanish and leave me in peace.
Honestly...
However, they soon get their revenge and come snivelling to me that my marshal is only managing to fulfill his role as Heroic Leader of My Righteous Forces by consorting with Satan and all his little imps.
Not one to be outdone by their childish antics, but ever mindful of the picture I'm trying to paint of yours truly being Pios Monarch Extraordinaire I don my suit of gold armour and chair a quick court which finds him completely innocent of all charges.
I then send a bunch of priests off into the Ryn Desert to preach to the pagan masses.
Just as a friendly shot across the bows you understand.
My clergy pacified, I receive news that all sorts of random Greeks who claim to have never liked the Emperor wish to be best friends with me.
The more the merrier! Welcome to Greater Suenik. Please keep your hands inside the Empire at all times. Scream if you want to go faster. Thank you.
For this, our 900th picture in the grand history of Greater Suenik, we celebrate nicking another province from the Empire...
...and the Greeks prove that all those Olympic games have made them very good sprinters as, once again, those brave, hearty warriors of theirs flee the field of battle, screaming like a bunch of little boys rather than facing my forces in combat.
Speaking of young boys, another one of the batch of little gremlins hatched by the Imperial Nurseries has just matured.
Has he actually been tempered by his time in education and been turned into a responsible member of the community? Or is he still a wild-eyed little psychopath who uses his religion as an excuse to practice unspeakable cruelties on unbelievers.
I know which one I'd prefer...
While we're on the subject of violent young men, the commander of my forces complains that, once again, the Greeks refuse to stand still and fight, and have instead resorted to screaming loudly at the sight of a Suenikian standard and fleeing to the hills.
I point out to him that making his men give chase will keep them hale and hearty and that if the rumours about these Byzantines are true the thought of facing off against a bunch of hale and hearty young men should be just the thing to lure them down from the hills.
He doesn't seem convinced.
Disturbed, yes. Convinced, no.
He does return a few months later with some news for me. It seems that the clergy that I sent on a "mission of mercy" to the Ryn Desert were set upon by heathen savages and slaughtered to a man. Barely managing to contain my grief (ha!) I ordered him to dispatch a small force and enact some righteous retribution upon those filthy unbelievers.
I wish I had known before this point that I had a couriter called Kuddana of Ryn Desert. That is a name my father would have been seriously proud of.
On a different note, do any of you remember Vosgi? For those of you that don't she was the haggard old wench that came to me and rasped "I think I'll become celibate" as if it was some kind of conscious choice on her part.
Well, she's finally passed away at the ripe old age of 47 and for some reason the Patriarch has had her upheld as a shining model of Christian virtue...
In direct contrast to Vosgi's selfless Christian virtue we have Grigor, my son-in-law, who seems to have taken ill.
Whilst out campaigning about two hundred miles from his wife...
I explain to him that if even thinks of putting that anywhere near my daughter I'll have him dropped in the Imperial Pirhana pool.
My marshal comes to me a few months later and explains that there's been a slight hitch with some of our forces.
I knew I shouldn't have hired those Nubian mercenaries!!!
However, I'm cheered up when another ridiculously over-ornate church is thrown up by the finest craftsmen in all Suenik.
I name it the Holy Church of the Ryn Desert Martyrs. Everyone comments on how pious I am.
Great success.
An even greater success occurs a few days later when I get news that Athens has fallen.
To be honest, I'm surprised it's taken this long! The speed that those Greeks run at I'm gobsmacked that there were any left behind to beseige! Perhaps the Byzantines only leave their fat warrirors behind to defend their forts?
I send out a couple of my fastest warriors to chase down the Prince, have him brought to me and, when he's finished screaming, explain very slowly and calmly to him that he and I are going to be friends.
His eyes mist over slightly at this and I suggest to him that he lose whatever dirty little thought he's having right this minute and instead concentrate on being a good little vassal.
Now for the Emperor himself...
Is Byzantium finished? Will the Greeks and the Suenikians be friends? Whats happening elsewhere in the world while all this championship level sprinting is going on? Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of Suenik - Land of the Beleaguered!
The Legions of Mighty Suenik march ever on! Trampling effeminate Greeks and sponging priests alike beneath their feet!!!
And let us not forget having to deal with the treasonous Nubian Mercenaries!!! Nasty sort!!!!
Apologies for the lack of an update chaps. One should follow tomorrow. Complete with added madman.
Well, you did ask for it...
Well, you did ask for it...
To be fair, I think Aboulgharib has a sinisiter madness to his method.
Here's hoping for Krikor II though!
I knew I shouldn't have hired those Nubian mercenaries!!!
You have to admit they keep life interesting. And don't try to trample on Nubia's cultural heritage. Military treachery is one of the major national pastimes. No war would be complete without it.
And to top it all off, the writer cant be considered completely sane.
We all love him, and hes funny, but. Or else its just all the kings, who takes over his body and starts to write the AAR.
I have my own theory, in which the throne of Suenik is actually cursed! It would explain the behaviour of all the kings...
SUENIK THE BELEAGUERED
CHAPTER 51 - EMPEROR ISLANDER
(1155-1156)
CHAPTER 51 - EMPEROR ISLANDER
(1155-1156)
Ah - here comes the so-called Roman Emperor to discuss the terms of his surrender.
I let him keep Famagusta and have my legal people drum up lots of plausible sounding reasons why I have a legitimate claim on the other provinces. To be honest, when you're as internationally reknowned as I am this is easily done.
Unfortunately everyone still thinks I'm a bit of a shit for doing so...
..which I honestly don't really care about to be frank. I just owned the heir to the Roman Empire. If anyone has an issue with me about this they can come over here and say it to my face.
THIS...IS...SUENIK!!!!
Meanwhile, the "Emperor" has put pen to paper and signed over most of his demense to me...
...and gets on a boat to begin building a new palace in sunny Famagusta.
Cheerio!
News of my great victory brings rejoicing and celebration throughout the kingdom, and no where is the celebration more intense than in my Bishop's palace. In fact, he celebrates so much he drives himself absolutely bonkers in the process.
I'm cool with this though. After all, he's not killed anyone and tried to bathe in their blood yet, right? So he's still one of the good guys.
Anyone who comes to me after he goes on a killing spree or burns down a school or something and says "I told you so" gets added to The List.
At the same time, one of the non-psychotic pupils from the Suenik schooling system graduates with flying colours.
Wow - hello New Chancellor. Sure, she's got the classic Gardman-Aghbania feminine mindset (IE about as stable as a sandcastle at high tide) and is probably destined to end up thinking that she's been touched by the Almighty or something, but she'll do a grand job!
The only downside is that it means that my daughter will be out of a job...
...which I'm sure she'll understand.
With the Emperor sunning himself in Famagusta I hand out some of his land to my subjects.
First up I prove to the Prince Dyrrachion (which I still think sounds like something you contract when you drink unclean water) that he made a good decision joining Team Suenik when I parcel out some land to him that he'd had his beady eye on for a while.
I then parcel out another two provinces to the Crown Prince (still quietly hoping he's not inherited any of his namesake's traits)...
I then marry off my new chancellor (she's some kind of cousin to me) to some sleazy old Greek merchant prince who's skulking around my court - I can't have her running off to someone elses' kingdom and taking her sweet pretty little diplomatic behind with her!
Following this charming wedding the last vestiges of the war vanish when the mighty rebels of Don portage (no, I have no idea of where it is either) are struck down by the equally mighty Saru of Lukomorie.
...and finally, peace.
Peace at last, but at what cost? Who will be next to shatter it? And what of the horrendous war debt? Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of Suenik - Land of the Beleaguered!
"..which I honestly don't really care about to be frank. I just owned the heir to the Roman Empire. If anyone has an issue with me about this they can come over here and say it to my face.
THIS...IS...SUENIK!!!!"
Do we detect a bit of Suenik attitude coming forward here????
THIS...IS...SUENIK!!!!"
Do we detect a bit of Suenik attitude coming forward here????
Aboulgharib the Somesortofavengingmadmanmegalomaniac, to be precise.