HI ITS ME LEONARD. I MISS MY DAD. HE WAS A PIRATE. A REAL PIRATE!
HE HAD A WOOD LEG. I WANT A WOOD LEG WHEN I GROW UP.
SOME GUYS CAME TO MY HOUSE TODAY. THEY WERE PRETTY MAD AT ME. BUT I DIDN’T DO NOTHING, HONEST!
ANYWAYS THEY’LL BE NICE IF THEY GET MONEY. SO I GAVE THEM SOME TREASURE MAP DAD MADE. THEY WERE HAPPY AFTER THAT.
(Believe it or not, this is the first time this game I’ve had to bribe
any of my vassals to get positive relations. Trust me, a heavy emphasis on Diplomacy skill for your ruler really helps out in getting people to like you!)
THAT RED PLACE IS SOME WAR DAD STARTED THATS STILL GOING ON. A POOPY GUY HAS SOME OF OUR LAND OR SOMETHING.
STOOPID IDIOT. HE SHOULD GIVE IT TO ME!!! I’M THE KING!!!!1!!
HAHA, TAKE THAT POOPY GUY!
I GOT SOME MAIL FROM MR. BUMHEAD.
HE’S SUCH A STOOPID IDIOT TOO! STOOPID BUMHEAD SHOULD JUST BUTT OUT.
GET IT? HAHAHA EVERYONE ON THE COUNCIL LIKED THAT ONE TOO.
HEY, I KNOW THAT OTHER LITTLE GUY … ITS POOPY GUY!
GOSH WHAT A STOOPID IDIOT. DIDN’T HE KNOW I JUST BEAT HIM??
I WENT AND GAVE THE ARMY A PEP TALK.
THERE WERE A LOT OF THEM, BUT I WANT MORE! SO I GAVE MORE OF DAD’S TREASURE TO SOME MORE GUYS SO THEY WOULD FIGHT TOO.
OUR GUYS WON THE FIRST FIGHT WITH THE BAD GUYS. THOSE BAD GUYS REALLY GOT HURT, HAHAHA!
(I don’t normally post the battle results screen, but this one was pretty lopsided. Destroyed almost 90% of the enemy for a loss of <10% of our own troops; go Loon!)
HAHAHAHA MR. BUMHEAD DOESN’T HAVE AN ARMY ANYMORE!
WE ARE GOING TO TOTALLY BURN DOWN HIS CASTLES NOW!!
WELL, THATS WHAT I SAID BUT THE STOOPID ROYAL STEWARD SAYS THERES NOT MONEY TO PAY THOSE EXTRA GUYS FOR VERY LONG.
AND I GUESS WE ALREADY PROVED THAT MR. BUMHEAD IS A BIG POOPY BUM GUY ANYWAYS.
NOW IM KINDA TIRED. YAWN!
MY REGENT WANTED ME TO STUDY, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? WHAT A DUMMY.
I DONT NEED TO KNOW NOTHING ELSE. DIDNT HE JUST SEE ME WIN?
UHOH. THERE WAS SOME BAD NEWS FROM OUR GUYS DOWN IN SPAIN. THE MOORS ARE FIGHTING US.
WHOA. THATS A LOT OF BAD GUYS!!!1!!
I KNOW WHAT TO DO THOUGH. MY GUYS ARE TOTALLY GONNA – OH WAIT A SEC…OUCH!
SOMETHINGS HAPPENING TO ME!! WHATS GOING ON??? AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH-
-hhhhh! Whoa, sorry bout that. What the heck was that? Oh wait a sec. I think I just turned 16!
Hmm, this is kind of nice! Hey, I didn’t turn out too bad after all!
Ok, where were we. Something important, hmmmm…what was it, what was it….
You know, I’m kind of drawing a blank here! Just one thing is coming to mind!
Girls.
I totally am needing a wife, pronto.
Ooh la la, c’mon over here, my little mon ami!
SEVERAL WEEKS LATER
Ahh. I needed that.
I remembered what was so important, too. Those nasty Moors were attacking us for the Duchies of Badajoz and Leon! Hey guys, we stole those from you in the Crusade, fair and square!
Unfortunately, the Moorish hordes are victorious. I’m still king of Leon, but the only county still under my control is Badajoz. Yowch!
All is not lost, though. There are still van Loons in charge of most of the counties we used to have. That’s good; I’m sure they’ll come back to the fold in no time.
In an attempt to conform to the customs of their new overlords, these Dutch van Loons are now styling themselves as Moorish Sheikhs…
We van Loons are nothing if not adaptable.
Well, that war went pretty badly I guess, but who cares? Easy come, easy go, right? What really matters is your health. Right? And having a hot French wife, too, of course.
Oh yeah, come on over here honey… mmmmmm.
See ya later everybody, we’ll be busy for a while…..
Life is just swell, ain’t it?