Conversations that must have happened in Eu4

General: "My fellow soldiers..."
Soldiers: "Sir, yes, sir!"
General: "We can be very proud of our home province! Karnten now has an armory!"
Soldiers: "Woohoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Private Hansel to private Uli: "Woohoo?!?!!? I think we can kiss that mortgage goodbye..."


"Men, there is nothing to worry about! It's just the turn of the month!"


Nosradamus: "In the future I see France being on the defense against armies from Berlin three times within a lifespan..."
Everyone else: "Cuckoo!"

Inspired by a recent thread.....

"My lord! Our 1st Army is about to engage the Big Blue Blob Doomstack, Sire!, with general "RetardFace 0/1/0/0" leading it!"

"What? Where is general "UberPawnageSatanSpawn 6/6/6/6"?

"Sire, he is at the head our colonial Army in Africa busy crushing Infidels"

"Well... Okay get the engineering bay to teleport him back asap!"

"... Yessir"

"Son, I need you to take a cog of 1000 men out into the middle of the Atlantic."

"Yes, father"
...

...

"Father, I swam back from the middle of the ocean, it turns out our ship sunk"

"What about the other men, why didn't they swim back"

"They didn't know how to swim, father"

"Okay, well do you want to get hunting ? "

"Sure, father "

"Good, you can have the rusty knife "

"Finally, I rule Poland and Lithuania. My dream is to create Polish-Lithuanian Commonewalth, where every noble is equal. Chancellor!"
"Yes?"
"I know you were listening. Now do what I said."
"But we can't yet. You need Marienburg and ADM tech 10"
"What?"
70 years later
"I am able to fulfill dream of my grandfather. Chancellor, create Commonwealth!"
"Yes, sir!"
1 month later
"Chancellor, tell me. Do Lithuanian nobles adore me even more?"
"Erm... They aren't accepted in our country. Only Ruthenian and Prussian are."
"What? It's Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth! And I hate Prussian!"
"Sorry"

sermaciej said:

"Finally, I rule Poland and Lithuania. My dream is to create Polish-Lithuanian Commonewalth, where every noble is equal. Chancellor!"
"Yes?"
"I know you were listening. Now do what I said."
"But we can't yet. You need Marienburg and ADM tech 10"
"What?"
70 years later
"I am able to fulfill dream of my grandfather. Chancellor, create Commonwealth!"
"Yes, sir!"
1 month later
"Chancellor, tell me. Do Lithuanian nobles adore me even more?"
"Erm... They aren't accepted in our country. Only Ruthenian and Prussian are."
"What? It's Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth! And I hate Prussian!"
"Sorry"

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He should have embraced Humanism.

calvinhobbeslik said:

He should have embraced Humanism.

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He didn't wanto to, because he was catholic and he hated Prussians.

"My Lord Chancellor, see to it at once that construction begans immediately on a new state-of-the-art dockyard in our recently conquered province of [XYZ]"

"No can do, Sire"

"What? Why?"

"There's a missionary there. You know we can't erect structures before a man of god!"

"Shogun, your policy of Sakoku has been implemented. No one may leave or enter Japan. All trade with the outside world will be conducted at a small number of specific, heavily policed ports."

"Excellent. Now, I want you to enact my new decree."

"What is it, my lord?"

"We're gonna settle Mexico."

"..."

"We were fighting many wars. We have school for officers. Now, chancellor, get me a general!"
"Sure, but first, give me your points."
"Points? What points? Oh, these points. OK."
"Here is your general, awesome for manouevre."
"But how about shocking enemies and commanding fire?"
"well..."
"Tell me, Johan, did you just get random kid from school?"
"n-no..."

"This empire, they call themselves the Inca, what a discovery! We shall soon attack their lands and claim them for Portugal!"
"Yes, my general! Are you ready to attack?"
"Well first I need to lead this army currently engaged in Morocco, but then I'll be back, like 3 days from now."
"Morocco, as in Africa? It took our ships over 5 weeks to land on the shores of the New World, and many more to cross to the shores of the Pacific, how do you intend to..."
"I said I'll be back Wednessday"

"Look, some of our men in battle! This army can join them and turn the tide for Austria!"
"No we can't"
"What do you mean, our armies are engaged literally half a mile away from us"
"But we haven't re-entered Austria since our last war, we're in exile"
"Oh yea..."

"After 5 years of steady prosthelytizing and funding our missionaries there, the provice has finally gained a majority of Catholics, leaving their Orthodox ways."
"Actually sir, they follow the religion of Mohammed now."
"What!? We spent years preching the holy ways of the Roman Catholic church!"
"But you see, sire, this small army of Muslim rebels occupied the province for a day, so obviously they're all Sunni now"

Emperor Shitsu of Ryuku: What a fine morning, I feel like going for a hike up the three mountains
Patch 1.73: Lol have fun

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The Great Khan of Mongolia to his finest general: Right then, see that army of 15000 men?
General 0/6/0/0: Yes sir, the Emperor of Ming sure does have a seemingly limitless supply of men for his armies
Great Khan: So I want you to charge into that army
General: Are you serious?
Khan: lol don't worry they have inward perfection

6 days later

General: I don't know what happened, we killed them to the last man
Khan: They had the eunuchs in charge, thats all you need to know

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King of Spain to his diplomat: Finally the last castle in portugal has fallen to our men, the war is totally over, sent an immediate notice of annexation, they shall become part of our great nation.
Diplomat: well sire, i can't do that... sorry
King of Spain: what are they too big to annex?
Diplomat: It's not that sire
King of Spain: well what is it then damn it!
Diplomat: well... we havn't seiged all of their lands yet...
King of Spain: of course we have the entire countryside is under our control and has been for months!
Diplomat: Well sire, they say that they have one remaining colony far to the east.
King of Spain: ....

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Just a few that come to mind, I could do this all day.

henzington said:

I would kill for a button to try and have my heir get into an "accident".

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This game needs to introduce more spying/covert options like attempting to Assasinate a Ruler or Heir...

I know it's not what you wanted but still...

"The King is dead. Long live the King! What will be your first act, Majesty?"
"I am childless and must produce an heir. Who are suitable matches?"
"Our three allies and four vassals all have daughters of marriageable age."
"I'll take all of them."

"Terrible news, sire, the Archduke of Austria has died and his son has inherited Bohemia as well!"
"Haven't the Archdukes also ruled as Kings of Bohemia for a century now?"
"Yes sire, but now they've inherited it!"
"Just to be clear, the last four Archdukes have also been Kings of Bohemia, correct?"
"Correct, sire."
"How is this different?"
"It's been inherited!"
"The previous Archduke, why was he King of Bohemia?"
"Because his father was King of Bohemia, of course."
"He was not elected?"
"Bohemia, sire, not Poland."
"Then he was king by birthright?"
"Naturally."
"Then he inherited Bohemia."
"No, sire, you're confusing the old Archduke with the new one. The new Archduke inherited Bohemia."
"What did the old do with Bohemia?"
"He ruled Bohemia as King, like his father before him."
"And the new one rules Bohemia now?"
"As I said, the Archduke inherited Bohemia."
"So he rules it?"
"No sire, he inherited Bohemia, he can not rule it!"
"He can't rule his inheritance."
"That would be impossible!"
"He must be terribly incompetent, then."
"No sire, since birth all have acclaimed him as a perfect six, six, six!"
"All call him the Antichrist?! Send word to the Pope, we must call a crusade!"
"But we can't call crusades against Christians!
"The Antichrist is a Christian?"

"My liege I bring grave news."

"Tell me knave, what ails you?"

"Le France... they are now far advanced in the machinations of diplomatic technology, far ahead even than our mighty nation of Gelre! They can now build mighty War Galleons and will without doubt rule the waves!!"

"But how is this possible? We have been investing all available means into diplomatic ideas! Yet we can only muster these Carracks?! How can they be so far ahead?"

"My lord, I'm afraid they didn't invest in diplomatic ideas at all so they now are better than us at... erm... diplomatic... things..."

Sometime later...

"My liege I bring grave news."

"Yes knave, what is it this time?"

"Le France... They have sent us a warning... A warning to not go to war!"

"My god, this is an outrage! We must retaliate! Send a warning to King Croissant that if he dares attack anyone we will, erm, get involved..."

"I'm afraid we can't do that sire!"

"Why ever not, this is ridiculous!"

"Reasons."

Even later...

"Sire sire!"

"Calm down boy what is it?"

"It's Austria sire... Our armies have retaken Holland!"

"This is fantastic news, but what is the problem?"

"The Dutch, they are wearing Lederhosen, and have funny moustaches. They have been brainwashed!"

"My god, that evil Archduke! We must do something... Quickly, distribute the hemp and sex toys, we'll bring them back into the Dutch fold!"

"At once sire. Oh..."

"What is the problem now?"

"They refuse our gifts sire! They say that they will not indulge our dutch ways until Austria no longer exists!"

"Damn you, it's a vicious paradox!"




And my sig of course...

"Haha! That's right your majesty, it is us the dastardly people's rebellion! You thought you could stop us by doing absolutely nothing and sitting quietly while we carpet-sieged the entire country and then giving into our demands the first chance you got! But alas your plan of utter non-resistance has failed."

"Oh, erm, yes how... terrible? I guess we'll have to become a republic now?"

"Not necessarily, perhaps we'll let you keep your throne if you promise to..."

"No really, I insist."

"Our nation is ready for war, Sir !"

"Alright then recruit as many mercs we can afford and start claiming all of our neighbours terretitories"

2 days later -> The king is dead ! regency council takes place waiting for the new heir to get his majority.

12 years old, .. 13 years old, damn that's long, 14 years old.

Regency Council -> "Sir it's time for your to lead our great nation"

Heir -> "Why do we have all those mercs ?"

"Sir your father claimed all of your neighbours territories"

"Mmm so i guess we are going to war with all of them !!!!!"

"Sir you should attack them one by one"

"SHut up i'm the new king, i was so frustrated during all my life. This is Spartaaaaaaaaaaa ! "




Order of Teutons : "PLs does anybody wants to buy Neumark, i'm selling it for 100g... anybody... 50g .... for free ?

Brandenbourg : "I'm your rival and i'm not getting it for free. Let's start a nuclear war. "

Poland: "Go on Lituanian slaves !!!!!!!!! "

Danemark : "Hey Dantzig is pretty at this time of the year"

Pomerania : "Sir everybody is occupied with teutonic order ; Why aren't we already claiming on their territories ?"

Order of Livonia : "4 thousand men, that's gonna help Teutons to convert all of these Easterna paiens"

Hungary : "Sir we've got a 4/4/4/2 general, but we can't start a war ; Hahah just ally with those douchbags of Teutons"

Diplomat to escort:

"What was that strange streak that just whooshed past us?"

"That was a general, my lord."

"Why can't I whoosh?"

"Only generals and admirals can whoosh, sir. Colonists can semi-whoosh. Diplomats travel at a sedate pace."

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Emperor to courtier:

"Chancellor! Send a notice of war to those pesky barbarians to the West!"

"I'm afraid we can't, O Son of Heaven."

"Why?"

"We only have three diplomats, Sire, and two are integrating our vassals, while the third is sabotaging the reputation of our mortal enemy."

"I have the Mandate of Heaven! My subjects number in the hundreds of millions! We are (inwardly) perfect! Surely we can find someone to deliver our declaration of war?"

"I'm afraid not, Sire. Declarations of war are tricky things. You need a trained diplomat to be able to write them up properly. If you don't, the shades of your glorious ancestors will be most displeased."

"It's just a declaration of war? How much do you need to write it up?"

"I'm afraid I'm just a simply monk, Sire, I wouldn't know. Do you?"

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Vizier to Sultan:

"Sire, an architect has applied to add minarets to Haghia Sophia, patch up its dome and convert it to a mosque. The Sunni world will laud this action: our prestige, and our piety as Sunnis will both be enhanced - at a not negligible cost, though, Sire."

"The cost be da...shed! For the greater glory of Allah! Let us proceed!"

...

"Sire, millions of your Sunni subjects are now armed and besieging the place, outraged by your decision to convert this church."

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Advisor to King:

"Sire, that last Caribbean island belonging to our dastardly enemies is 56% down. We shall soon be able to annex our enemy's entire realm!"

"Finally! The walls will crumble before my mighty guns and my faithful General Tripleohsix."

"Sire, the siege has progressed to 63%."

"Sire, the siege has progressed to 70%."

"Sire, the siege has progressed to 77%."

"Sire, the siege has progressed to 84%."

"I grow tired of this wait."

"Sire, our fleet outside the city harbour has sunk due to attrition. I regret to inform you that the siege progress is now 56%."

"Assault the walls!"

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Advisor to King:

"Sire, England has declared we are its mortal enemy and rival."

"Oh, well. Hardly surprising."

(A week passes)

"Sire, England has declared that we are not its mortal enemy and rival."

"Oh, really?"

(A week passes)

"Sire, England has declared we are its mortal enemy and rival."

"Again?"

(A week passes)

"Sire, England has declared that we are not its mortal enemy and rival."

"What are the silly buggers up to?"

(A week passes)

"Sire, England has declared we are its mortal enemy and rival."

"Again?"

(A week passes)

"Sire, England has declared that we are not its mortal enemy and rival."

"..."

(A week passes)

"Sire, England has declared that we are its mortal enemy and rival."

"Trouble me no more with these declarations. Write them up in a ledger if you will, but I need not be immediately notified."

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" My sultan the dhimmi rebels are outside the palace, your faithful commanders beg of thee give the order to march on these infidels. "

" Don't worry about it, are we still employing that military engineer? "

" But my liege, you don't ... yes he is still in your service. "

" How old is he? "

" 50 my sovereign. He too beseeches your grace to rid the capital of these ... "

" Inform him that we no longer require his services. "

This thread is a genial idea!

- My Duke, Austria just occupied all our lands and is offering peace! We have to convert to Catholicism!
- But if we do that, we'll again go into religious turmoil...
- No don't worry Sire, our province will instantly convert as well! And we can convert again to Protestantism just after.
- And the people will convert again?
- Well, of course my Lord, why not?

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