Installment the sixth
The Timurid Scientists: The Ottoman Gambit and the Panda Revenant
"...Those dastardly Ottomans. What a truly evil plan to hatch. And Second Scientist walked right into the ambush. He was so pleased that the Ottomans offered a couple of tradingposts along with Anatolya, that he accepted them on the spot. A couple of tradingposts in Africa. One moment Africa is this Dark Continent I couldn't care less for, the next it is an international hot spot, as the twenty traders in the two tradingposts change employers, and the African nations declared war. Right, as if three seperate wars against Ethipoia, Nubia, Zanj, and Zimbabwe, were what we needed. Silly wars waste diplomats!" -
Chief Scientist: Dialogues LXII
"...And as 1647 drew to a close the Eastern Mughal armies under the command of Hojo Bubu, a retired fisherman turned general, were transported to Nippon. The sails of the invasion fleet were countless and covered the horizon with a sheen of Mughal purple. As the fleet landed troops in Kansai, Kanto, and Ezochi, the Nipponese counterattacked on the beaches. But it availed them naught. After the initial bloody battles all of Nippon was under siege: The matchless Samurai had met their match in the superior Mughal armies. Outgeneralled, outnumbered, and with traditional weapons against the modern weapons of the Mughal armies, the Nipponese were lost. Hojo Bubu took Ezochi, Shikoku, and Kansai for peace in September 1649, and sent out the call for the Order of the Lamp Martial. The battles had claimed the lives of two Shoguns and four Daimyos, who had never learned how to retreat. Officially his armies numbered 40,000 infantry and 80,000 cavalry, but since he took to enrolling Nipponese peasants and ronin to strengthen his armies, the actual size will probably never be known. What is known is, that despite ferocious fighting, the new Shogun waged war again in 1652 in alliance with Manchu, which cost him Tohuku and his life. Despite occasional rebellions Nippon had received a mortal wound. A desperate attempt to reclaim the lost territory during the Chinese wars of 1655-1658 cost Nippon Kyushu. With the Daimyos now on his side, more or less, Hojo Bubu formally annexed Nippon in 1661. He was to remain a formidable ally, an admirable administrator (though with a penchant for fish-similies), and an excellent Shogun. During his life the Order of the Lamp Martial remained active in Nippon. Though Kansai quickly converted, Hojo Bubu was not to see the Sunnification of Nippon during his lifetime, as the Sunnification was not completed until 1711, many years after his death." -
Excerpt from "Mighty Mughals: Hojo Bubu
"...Of course I remember 1649! A truly exceptional year. Apart from a few incidental rebellions, and the loss of an army or two, everything seemed to be progressing according to our desires. I also shelled out the pocket money needed to build a massive shipyard in Kutch. Lampwise the year was something of a disappointment, but my own financial research into the nature and the causes of the wealth of nations proceded apace." -
Excerpt from "Bursarial Trove of Wisdom Revealed"
"...My western campaign went according to my superior plans, which to be honest came as no surprise to me. I am the most intelligent person around, after all. Thus the gradual conquest of the Khazak Horde encountered no significant problems and no significant losses. I was somewhat pleased by the actions of the eastern armies. Hojo Bubu was busy conquering Nippon, while some of the unnamed (and fairly irrelevant) ordinary generals were chopping up Manchu. To be sure, at one time revolts averaged at seven pr. month, mainly because of war weariness, but who cares, really? That's what the rebel-crushers are for anyway. A fact not lost on the inhabitants of Shanxi, who spontaneously converted in 1651. And this may actually have been spontaneous, since no stories of exemplary torchings were told, as is usually the case. I was also quite pleased with Chief Scientist, who finally began a project of military research. By the time of the annexation of the Khazak Horde, 1655, the army had been issued spiffy new uniforms evaluated at land tech 16 by the ALU. The Lame Panda of the East, China, was finally overtaken in stupidity as the strong Russian Empire pretended to be a Chinese vassal. Riiight. China, whose government falls every two years or so as overlord of Russia? Give me a break. What an obvious ploy. I, of course didn't fall for it, and after some prompting, neither did my generals. Thus China was reduced to an island capital in 1658, following infantry assaults upon their five other remaining provinces. Losses were within acceptable parameters at 180,000 or so, I mean it is not as if it is hard to find new goons to sign up, is it? I have a map showing the three remaining dummies of the east, somewhere...
Map of the three remaining dummies, 1658. (Chinese dummy on southern island)
Then in 1659 the Chinese Ming dynasty came to an end, and Manchu promptly annexed China, thus doubling their territory. Of course they had no ships and no avenue of communication save by mail through Mughal territory, but they considered themselves a viable state anyhow. What a bunch of idiots." -
Excerpt from "Second Scientist: All Quiet on the Eastern Front"
"... We finally reached trade level 5 in 1656, which caused an immediate increase in the research grant, well, ok, in
my research grant. But fair is fair. I make all these hard decisions, so I ought to be compensated, right? Of course I am right. The loss of the Khan in 1657 while inspecting the torture chambers was unexpected. I knew he wasn't the brightest kid on the block, and I knew of his amorous excesses with hmm. unusual participants, but attempting to rape an Iron Maiden is taking things a step too far! Sheep, yes. Well, we all understand about sheep. But an Iron Maiden? Pure folly. Though it did cause him to utter the memorable last words "I'm gonna impale that frigid bitch, and I won't take no for an answer!" Come to think of it, this is a good case in point for my "don't let stupidity breed" theory, though I had never expected it to be so messily demonstrated. Anyhow, we gave out the usual story, you know,
the Khan died peacefully in his sleep following prayers, but still! Hmmm. Where was I? Oh, yes, Aurangzïb, right... The new Khan was Aurangzïb, and he did quite well, all things considered. But apart from the wars and revolts these were really quiet years of contemplation. In fact, some of the Marathi grew so contemplative, that they considered reinstating Hinduism, and rose in a coordinated revolt. What I did? Well, let us put it this way: There was nothing left but dust and fundamentalists when they had been crushed. Ok, some of the fundamentalists managed to assassinate a noble before they were crushed, but nobles come and go, so who cares? Compared to my diplomatic initiatives these incidents are not worth mentioning. I mean, I invited Qara Koyunlu and Ak Koyunlu to stop being vassals and join us as equals as a reward for their faithful alliance, and they were so happy. Their greatest wish had come true. So they joined the empire in 1661. I am a big softy, really, always helping the needy. Here's the map to prove it.
Map of the Mughal Empire, west, 1661
Our research in infrastructure was also really paying off in those years, gaining us a solid 10% boost to infrastructure income, you now, improved sheep, inflatable judges, and so on. People really appreciated that, and especially the jobs opportunities, as I ordered the construction of a great many goods manufactories. I guess we built nineteen over the next decade or so. Apart from a nasty wave of obscuratism which hit our shores, the financial weather forecast was bright and sunny, like our religion. With a slightly more narrowminded wordview than previous, the exquisitors of the Order of the Lamp Martial were really getting fired up about their work. They were shit-hot, really, carrying that spark of conviction to the heretics and infidels, and, quite frequently, their houses as well. Things were going pretty well, with naval enthusiasm because of our new shipyard in Kutch, and some very nice gifts to the state, when a meteor was seen in the skies in February 1667. The wars at the time were going fairly well, but the peasantry saw it as a
sign of doom. Dummies! Meteors are completely normal phenomena, like rains of fish, or stigmata? Why such a nonsensical reaction? Some of my less distinguished colleagues tried to draw a connection between the meteor sighting and the revolt and independence of a three province China consisting of Kowloon, Fujian, and Shandong (the capital). The lame Panda reared its silly head again. I pity such FOOLS! Anyhow, we annexed Manchu and retook Kowloon and Fujian the next year, so who cares?" -
Chief Scientist: Dialogues LXII
"...It was well known that Aurangzïb had very intolerant views on religion - especially others. Thus it is to his credit, that he heeded his advisors and chose to be tolerant, for the good of the Empire. Not that he didn't attempt to spread the true Sunni faith, of course, but rather that he did not persecute those as yet unconverted. But then, he needed his political capital elsewhere. Following the earlier easy wars with Russia, Russia had finally managed to field a real army in 1669. As hundreds of thousands of Orthodox fanatics swarmed into the but newly conquered provinces, Aurangzïb lost army upon army, in a desperate attempt to stave of the tide. After atrocious losses in the snow, the tide began to turn in 1670, but the Mughal armies were seriously depleted. The neutral peace settlement of 1670 can thus be seen as a marginal victory for the empire. Rebuilding the armies took a few years, in which great advances were made in military technology, so when France declared war 1673, the Mughal empire stood ready. Fortunately, France was less so. With their armies already marching, the French monarch commisioned the building of a huge palace, the Versailles, causing state bankruptcy. The war went badly for the French. Slowly, but steadily, the Empire was advancing on Europe proper. Meanwhile in Africa, war broke out again, caused by the presence of a Mughal tradingpost, recently ceded by the Ottoman Empire, close to Zanj. But Aurangzïb had had enough. The Omani fleet ferried forces into Zanj and took everything but the capital in two years. Zanj was annexed shortly afterwards, in 1680. Also during these years China was reannexed in 1674." -
Excerpt from "Mighty Mughals: Aurangzïb"
"...I remember the Sikh Guru. Since I had no doctor on hand, I had him executed. It's amazing which misunderstandings can arise from a speech impediment in one's underlings, actually. Those were the days. Every ducat earned went into reseach, and our trade centres made the government filthy rich, I kid you not. Thus we reached trade level 6 in April 1676 and infrastructure level 7 in November 1678, only slightly interrupted by the unrest caused when some of the nobles allied with a foreign power. This time it was Ethipia, and but were the Ethiopians to regret that alliance of convenience. I remember 1679 particularly well, along with 1680, really because Second Scientist fucked up, again. he had carefully not claimed Azerbaijan from France leaving it in a state of revolt and surrounded by the Empire and the Mamelukes, obviously expecting them to defect. Well, they did so - to the Mamelukes in 1679, though the Mamelukes were Shia. And 1680? That's when he signed yet another peace agreement with the Ottomans, receiving the rebuilt Ottoman tradingpost of Imhambane, and you know how that goes. Zimbabwe, Zanj, Ethiopia &etc declared war. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me thrice, my name is Second Scientist. AARGHCHH! Fortunately for my peace of mind, the maps were turning purple, slowly but steadily.
The western provinces, 1680
Ok, let's be fair to Second Scientist. He did great work in the island hopping war with Venice of 1680-1684 while simultaneously conquering most of Ethiopia. He ignored the rising war exhaustion, the lowered stability due to the scandalous assassination of a noble and those pesky peasants petitions for redress and took a small 13 warship fleet hopping from island to island controlled by Venice. Unfortunately the seventy thousand men in Venice proper prevented him from invading their capital. And he happened to forget the Mameluke alliance, so their declaration of war in 1685 must be considered his fault as well. He finally settled for only two Venetian provinces to close down one front, but as war exhaustion passed the 6% mark in 1686, revolts were getting close to getting out of hand, at 10-11% in non-sunni provinces. As combat losses escalated, it was hard to retain the nominal army size of 800,000 men. As the Mameluke war dragged on througout the waves of obscuratism of 1686-1687, losses due to revolts were putting an undue strain on the ability to replenish the western losses. So even though the Mamelukes only lost two provinces in the peace settlement of 1686, peace was welcomed. At this time I noticed, that we had a back-log of some forty unconverted provinces, and notified the bursar. As we were drawn ever more into contact with the European powers, I decided, unanimously, to do some
serious military research to gain us pearity, at the very least. I also started reducing the quality of our military training. Previously we had lost about 50% of our recruits due to natural causes through their training. At the cost of a slightly more incompetent military, on average, I made plans to reduce losses to 40%, meaning an effective increase of 20% of our manpower pool. After all, training counts for very little when you are freezing to death in Russia, but numbers mean a whole lot more. And it paid off. Ethipia was annexed in March 1688, Nubia lost three provinces in 1690, and Russia lost ten colonies and tradingposts in 1691. I've got a map of this somewhere... Right.
Advancing on Russia, 1691
-
Chief Scientist: Dialogues LXXXIV
"As I understand it, Bursar, the Order has hitherho attempted to convert provinces in the following order:
1) Centres of trade
2) Ex-capitals
3) Order of population, largest first
Right?", the Chief Scientist asked the Bursar.
"Yes. That is the modus operandi."
"And you see no problems with this?"
"None whatsoever."
"And the fact that the third priority minimizes the chance of success?"
"Immaterial. When succesful, it is just so much better."
"But they usually fail, right?"
"Yes."
"And this doesn't cause you to rethink your position?"
"No...."
"And the fact that we have several minority religions, whose disappearance would render administration and rebel control much easier?"
"Has never crossed my mind, sir!"
"I see, Bursar, I see. So this is what we will do, Bursar. Conversion targeting must be as follows:
1) Centres of trade (we really don't want rebellions to disturbe these)
2) Ex-capitals (and independence movements are even worse)
3) Religious minorities (the fewer religions the better)
4) Order of population, smallest first (to maximize chance of conversion)."
"Urrgh. I mean, thy will be done, Chief Scientist"
ALU report religious minorities
Comprehensible religions
Shia: 2
Orthodox: 11
Catholic: 1
Incomprehensible religions
Buddhist: 3
Konfucian: 35
Hindu: 1
"...I thank Allah that I finally managed to convert Shanghai. Finally converted in the fifth try in July 1695, at a total cost of more than 12,000 ducats, it showed my plan was right from the beginning. But Chief Scientist demands, and we mortals obey. So I ordered the Order to crack down on Shia moslems. They got plenty of targets following the peace with the Mamelukes in December 1694, when they gave up seven provinces."-
Excerpt from "I made $$$$ fast"
The Purple menace, 1694
"...Bursar! Call the Scientists, young and old, thin and thick, insane and merily eccentric, to conclave, to the gathering, to the party of the century, for it is time to decide upon our future course of actions. I will have the ALU compile a report upon the states of Europe, and need I mention that it will be mandatory reading? Get to it, Bursar! Get to it."
To be continued.
