King Kamehameha IV (Johnny Tsunami)
King of Hawaii
b. 1816, r. 1836
The Big Plans of the Early Years, 1836-1844
Hello. I am King Kamehameha IV.
I drew this myself.
My brother, King Kamehameha III was killed yesterday in a freak Coconut accident, so I get to be King, which is totally awesome. I picked the name Kamehameha IV in honor of my brother. Well, mom kind of made me. I’d picked out a totally awesome name – Johnny Tsunami – but she said that would disrespect the ancestors, so I don’t get to use it.
This is my Kingdom, Hawaii. I know. It is pretty dumpy right now. Almost no one lives here. We don’t have too much going on. Well, I am going to change all of that. I’ve got big plans for this place.
The Bureau of Fancy Statistics delivered me this report on my subjects. I think the idea is that I should listen to what they want. That is a pretty stupid idea if you ask me. They are all fishermen with no experience doing anything but skinning trout and leading tourists on whale-watching expeditions that never actually find whales, instead taking the tourists to some stupid island to hunt for sea-shells, like that makes up for shattering the dreams of little boys who want nothing more than to see a whale up close and personal. Like you couldn’t find seashells everywhere, we are just a bunch of islands, after all. Half the damn place is beaches. In any case, if any of these dolts actually did find a whale, they’d probably crash into it and get everyone eaten. I’ll let you guess what that would do to the old tourism trade.
But I digress.
Here is our annual budget. Nothing comes in. A pittance comes out. This is going to have to change if my big dreams for this place are going to come true.
And here is my big long-term dream: a Hawaiian Navy of my very own. With this and the army, well, big things are going to happen for us!
I think Midway is a good target for us. I know. Real long term. We have to build ships first.
Of course, since we don’t have a Navy to take us there yet, there isn’t much point in paying all this money to the army. They can live on hermit crabs and coconuts like the rest of us.
I was under a bit of pressure, and I really wanted more than 100,000 people to live here – some 300,000 Americans had applied for residency on the condition I promulgate a Constitution and stop ruling by decree, so I did. Luckily, no one ever reads these things.
The Royal Constitution of Hawaii
Article 1:
I am the King.
Article 2:
You are not.
Article 3:
Ha Ha.
The arrival of all these immigrants has allowed me to do something no other Hawaiian King has been able to do: collect taxes in actual money rather than in conch shells.
I have decided to let the Nationalists take the blame for whatever mistakes happen in the next few years. The Royalists like me a lot and I figure I should keep them out of trouble.
So, Hawaii’s rightful monarch is struck down in a freak accident, leaving the throne to his somewhat less deserving brother. In 8 years, we haven’t seen much of these so-called “Big Plans,” but maybe they are just real long-term and slow developing. I guess we’ll find out on the next exciting episode of