Meh, I Can Take 'Em — Hohenzollern HIP DisastAAR

[Crushric]

Chapter 6: Ein Volmar, Viel Gelt!
17 March, 1083 — 28 November, 1088​

He kicked Satan’s butt so hard that one time that even if he did try to kill a bunch of people, Satan didn’t want him anywhere near hell.​

Mom said Dad died. Just up and died the second Uncle Duke threw Dad into prison.

“Like how?” I asked.

“Guilt,” Mom said quickly. “He died from guilt. He was a bad man.”

I asked Uncle Duke, too. He said it was natural causes, and nephew or not, I should quit bothering him with stupid questions. Then he went back to stuffing his face.

It was pretty much the same no matter who I asked. I never did manage to get the same story from any two people, but there was one thing they all agreed upon: it definitely wasn’t murder.

I may be ten, but I’m not an idiot.

Trust no one. Aim for the stars. The angels up there can help if you’re willing to wait.​

That’s me. Count Volmar von Hohenzollern. I’ve been the Count for one day, and already the church doesn’t like me.

I ask Mom how come, and she says because Dad was evil.

So I go ask my immortal one-eyed Court Chaplain, Abrahil. He tells me the Jews are working with the aliens to subvert the church, and that we must beware the false shepherd.

”The truth is out there!”​

Abrahil is helpful like that.

Guess all I can do is not fall asleep in church every Sunday. If they still don’t like me, I’ll hit them with that piece of the True Cross I got from my dad. That should sort the problem out.

Know what else I got from my dad?

This wrinkly old man.

His name’s Emicho. With an M. But I like to think of him as wrinkly old man.

He’s been looking for a wife since at least my grandfather. I think the only reason he originally got so good with numbers and gold was to attract a wife, but instead it just attracted my family.

Then he probably just sort of accepted his fate, still dreaming of a wife, but now forced to be the gold monkey for my family. At least he helps teach me how to be awesome with numbers like he is.

If I ask him, he gives me a straight answer. Useful. Will have to find a way to exploit this later.

When Mommy and Uncle Bert killed daddy, they let me be Count, but only if I promised them to be on my best best behavior for, like, ever.​

Joke’s on them, though. I can wait forever and one years!

Mom and Uncle Bert made me promise to marry some loser girl from nowhere because they don’t want me to have any scary friends, I think.​

I don’t rule yet, but I will. One day.

All I can do now is work hard, study, and try to snatch things when no one’s looking. Wrinkly old man teaches me all about numbers and gold. It’s really easy, especially when there’s so much of it.

If the people get rich, then so do I—and they get happy!​

Now, bear with me here. I got this idea. I’ll help make even the super poor people rich. They’ll all have nice houses and warm beds and loving families and jobs and—

—then I can tax them till they die! Everyone wins!

People say you can’t really get a beard until you’re old and wrinkly, but I think they’re lying. In fact, I know so.

Here, look at me!

I’m fourteen and got the sickest beard in Germany!​

That’s when some girl arrives from another part of Germany called Franconia. Her name’s Flandina. She’s cute, I guess. She’s also way to shy and likes to spend her days in books (and not the books full of taxes that you only look at so you know what’s safe to steal).

But then we get to talking (which was a challenge!), and suddenly she… I don’t know.

Flandina opens up to me after I try so hard, and she’s just so smart and witty and she knows everything about you from the first look and she says it all with this cute little northern accent.

And she likes math, too!

I ask her to marry me. Right there. At fourteen. Don’t wait till we’re adults, do it now. I have to be with her now and forever!

Nobody told us about that… you know, things married people do, so we didn’t get any heirs for the longest time.​

There was a wedding after that, but I made the mistake of inviting Uncle Bert, and he ate most of the food. But my gluttonous uncle doesn’t matter anymore: I have Flandina.

She and I are together all the time. I even make Emicho tutor her with me, so we can be together even during our lessons. (We only cheated off each other sometimes.) She’s just… I think the word is muse.

Flandina’s the muse that makes me want to be better, strong, richer—to be the man my father wanted me to be and then some.

She becomes like me, and I become like her.

I promise not to dedicate myself to avenging my Dad, Uncle Bert.
​

It’s like this for years. My wife.

Me.

The county I’m gonna rule.

And then I turn sixteen. I’m an adult now. I get to rule my land, Flandina at my side. Nothing can stop us! We’re gonna be rich and powerful and we’re gonna have a bunch of kids.

I have no idea who let the immortal doctor be regent, but I like his hat.​

I rule. Flandina rules.

We are together, and we are the best.

She’s a very trusting liar, I’ll give her that.​

I’m just like my father, only better, because I’ve got a goal. A dream. A vision!

My name is Count Volmar von Hohenzollern, son of Count Friedrich von Hohenzollern, and I’m gonna be the best there ever was.

And if you’re thinking you’re gonna stop me, tear me down, then I got five words for you! Five words my father would be proud to hear.

Meh, I can take ‘em.​

 

[stnylan]

That was a brilliant introduction to our new Lord.

 

[solarblaster]

You gonna need mercenaries.

Hopefully Emicho has taught you enough of his secrets to afford enough sellswords

 

[TWR97]

Yikes, hopefully Emicho can work his magic on making gold appear out of thin air, you're gonna need mercenaries, lot's of em.

 

[Nuada Airgetlám]

I've warmed to Volmar already, let's see how he gets out of this new mess.

 

[Specialist290]

Collar and Flandina appear to be a real power couple there, and with Emicho as steward they'll be poised to oversee a new era of prosperity for Zollern.

Once they've dealt with pesky Duke Berthold first, that is.

 

[Crushric]

Chapter 7: Seven Months’ Mayhem
3 December, 1088 — 21 July, 1089​

Quick quiz: what do you do when someone’s trying to hurt you?

Answer: you join the baddest gang around.

Not pictured: Uncle Bert sweating nervously.

I don’t really care for the Court Faction (except for the part about them not liking to be taxed, which I can totally get behind). However, between us, we have about as many men as the ducal army.

With any luck, they’ll give ol’ Uncle Bert a reason to hesitate when he comes a-knocking on my front door.

Thank god for my slightly derpy spymaster Diethelm up there (who is not to be confused with Diethart, the old chaplain).​

You know, originally I thought that just hiring the first guy to apply for the job was a bad idea, but now I’m rethinking that thanks to ol’ Diethelm here.

Anyhow, Zollern only makes so much money. If I’m going to win against the Duke of all Swabia, I’ll need even more to hire mercenaries. But how to get it?

Hmm.

Maybe I could…

Henceforth, one Zollern Volmark shall be the equal to any imperial gold, and are minted here in Zollern.

Greed is good. And the best part is, no one’s the wiser.

Dad, I know you’re up there, and I know I’m making you proud! Look, here’s some coins with your face on them. And there’s one of me me punching Duke Berthold in the throat!

Now, with this new mint, all I gotta do is sit back, relax, and enjoy the spoils.

I considered making a money pool, but then realized it’d cost money to build the pool, which would mean less money for me.

For comparison, Uncle Bert makes only three gold a month, and he owns three counties plus receives taxes from his seventeen vassals here in Swabia (excluding myself, since I legally declared myself dead and the Duke’s current steward hasn’t caught on yet).

“Uh, hi, yes. I know I’m trying to kill you and strip your lands, but you’re pretty good with money. Want a job?”

I gladly accept, since from what I understand 90% of stewardship is theft anyway. It’s not like I’ll actually do my job. And I’m staying legally dead!

In fact, I think I’ll go on a paid vacation. (Uncle Berthold doesn’t even need to know I’m gone!)

Hey, Emicho, I need you to cover for me, alright?

Genius!

Taking a page from Dad’s book there, eh? I like it. I’ll go on an adventure, make money, connections, friends, and money!

Except… how can I can make even more money from this?

This trip’s even paying for itself!

Although, Emicho, I gotta ask—where are we going?

Karelia?

Where’s that?

Oh. It’s in Finland.

Fun fact: the only way to Karelia was by taking my boat through the Arctic. On the plus side, free blubber!

I can’t pronounced the local lord’s name, but I find that by slurring my words and trying to say “suomi omi komi blomi” really fast, he thinks I’m speaking Finnish.

We eventually shake hands and make a deal where I gave him shiny beads and in exchange he hands over all of his gold at regular intervals.

The people of Zollern have grown accustomed to tiger fur. Now they’re ready for walrus tusks. Look, I even got this bitchin’ new ring!

As I return up with a pile of gold, I see that my home is on fire.

Like, not even a little bit of fire like when you need to burn down part of a village because you’re the Count and therefore entitled to half of any and all insurance money and you need a quick buck Volmark.

I mean, full-scale fire.

Because there was an army there, flying Uncle Duke’s banner.

I was about to walk up and ask what gives, when a man all but tackles me. It’s my Marshal, Boso, who’s been waiting for me.

“My lord!” he cries out. “Thank heavens I found you. Your uncle wrote you a letter demanding that you turn over your property to him for the crimes of your father.”

“But I didn’t get any letters like that,” I say, holding my bags of money for safety.

“And when you didn’t reply, he saw it as an act of war and brought his armies to take it. Here, I have a copy.”

Oh yeah right I left town and didn’t tell the boss. Funny how that worked out.

“But don’t worry, my lord!” Boso says. “I’m keeping your family safe. I had to burn down part of the money vault and use much of what was left to hire mercenaries, but our men are currently attacking Württemburg!”

“You what?”

It’s like that first war all over again!

“We should just give up and turn ourselves in,” Emicho offers helpfully.

“Or perhaps attack,” Boso says.

“That’s madness,” Emicho says. “Isn’t it, my lord?”

I rub my chin. I think back to my father. He was a mighty man. If here were here right now, standing beside me, what would he say?

And suddenly, the words come to me.

“Meh, I can take him.”

Or he can just randomly die. I know I shouldn’t look a gift corpse in the mouth, buuuuut…

Duke Berthold: the Anaconda of Dukes. He ate even after they told him to stop.​

Uncle Bert died of complications from gout he gained via gluttony.

Like, the man murders my father, and then eats himself to death right as he’s trying to murder me.

I feel… I don’t know. Gypped, I think. Robbed. There was no epic fight in the end. No hurling of insults. No murdering each other.

He just keeled over and died.

And he died before the gates of Zollern. Almost like my father rose from his grave and slew his murdered himself. Thinking of it like that makes it easier to stomach. But I still feel… empty, in a way. Like, just because Uncle Duke’s dead doesn’t mean Father’s been avenged. But perhaps that’s a problem for later.. But perhaps that’s a problem for later.

See, right now, Uncle Duke’s army, upon seeing their lord die, just sort of gives up and goes home, feeling really embarrassed about the whole “trying to conquer me” thing. They still take a load of my money as loot, but at least I can begin to repair my money vault using his gold and walrus ivory.

Now the only issue is dealing with cousin Duke Berthold II.

“Yeah, I mean, we did just try to kill you and I hate you, but seriously no one here can count please send help.”

Still. I celebrate the fact that I’m not rotting in the dungeon and got reappointed as Steward by getting a haircut and becoming the spitting image of my father.

 

[Nuada Airgetlám]

Volmar's had quite a reign, and he's not even out of his mid-teens!

 

[Specialist290]

I'm a little surprised that Volmar got away with debasing the coinage there. Usually I get hit with the big prestige debuff event shortly thereafter when I try to pull a shenanigan like that. Maybe his high Stewardship is at work there?

Also, looks like he really dodged a bullet with Duke Berthold dying like that while on campaign. Hopefully the young Duke will prove a little more pliable.

 

[Crushric]

Volmar's had quite a reign, and he's not even out of his mid-teens!

It only gets crazier from hereon out!

I'm a little surprised that Volmar got away with debasing the coinage there. Usually I get hit with the big prestige debuff event shortly thereafter when I try to pull a shenanigan like that. Maybe his high Stewardship is at work there?

Really? I've had this event before, and it's basically a no-brainer option to debase the coins for me. Always works in my favor. Gold and prestige for days.

 

[Specialist290]

Could be I've just had bad luck with the RNG, then. Often the gold gain is worth it anyway, but that prestige hit can be nasty at times.

 

[stnylan]

I am feeling suddenly like he is channelling a young angsty Frederick the Great!

 

[solarblaster]

Volmar is making mad dosh considering his holdings

Also, the kid needs to die before the leftovers from pappy Friedrich's outright heretical reserves of awesome are somehow depleted

 

[Sir Dippingsauce]

Swabia would be a nice dukedom to rule...

 

[Crushric]

I am feeling suddenly like he is channelling a young angsty Frederick the Great!

He's reaching into the future and gaining the powers of theoretical descendants in the name of awesome. Volmar, using the power of gold and beards, will rule all of Zollern!
Or, well, maybe he'll be like Barbarossa. Or Barbabionde, since he has a blond beard.

Volmar is making mad dosh considering his holdings

Yeah, he really is. Kid really lucked out in the stewardship department. He himself is a dream, his wife is amaing, and Emicho is a fantastic chancellor, It's basically a dream team.

Also, the kid needs to die before the leftovers from pappy Friedrich's outright heretical reserves of awesome are somehow depleted

Heretical reserves of awesome from Friedrich alone?
If you think his were awesome, you're in for a real treat later on.

Swabia would be a nice dukedom to rule...

Yes, yes it would be. It's also a titular duchy, so if the title dies, that's it. It vanishes forever.
Gotta get it before something happens to it.

 

[Crushric]

Chapter 8: Forever and One Years
29 September, 1089 — 19, March 1098​

My cousin, Duke Berthold II apparently hates me. This is kind of amazing, considering he’s, like, only eight years old.

“There’s only two things in this world I hate: traitors, and teenagers! Guess what you are, Volmar?”​

And somehow Uto of Ulm, the creepy uncle type guy that no one asked for, has been appointed regent. Despite that fact he was involved in trying to assassinate Uncle Bert no less than two times.

I retire home to Zollern to try and repair my money room. With all this time home (despite me technically being Swabia’s steward), I can finally get around to producing an heir.

This happens three more times. Each time I get a girl, so they’re not even worth mentioning. Ever.​

I assemble my council to brag about how awesome I am at making kids, only to find that half of them are dead. Which only makes sense, since many of these men have been serving since the time of my grandfather Burchard.

Worse yet, Brother Abrahil vanished. Unlike the others who died, he was actually useful! I consider sending out flyers for a replacement like my father did, since that netted him the immortal one-eyed doctor. But then I remember that paper is expensive.

So I just go down to the local city of Hechingen and hire the first people who apply for the jobs. It’s a tried and true method.

The result is a mixed bag with one real gem.

The good thing about shitty councilors is that you get to pay them slave’s wages and no one cares.​

The new Chaplain turns out to be this blind Jew named Nasan. I have no idea where Abrahil went. Even without his guidance, I remember what he told me about the Jews and their plot to replace the Pope with an alien. So I made Nasan convert and now everything’s okay.

Meinhart, the new marshal and current mayor of Hechingen, is little more than a yesman. I’m not even kidding when I say my wife knows more about war than he does. But he’s the most qualified man I can hire, so he happens to get the job.

But Eigilwart? Oh, Eigilwart. He’s amazing. I send him to repair relations with my cousin, the Duke, in preparation for this little plan I got going. I don’t like the Duke, but that don’t mean I can’t make him like me.

And in October, I learn that I’m not the only one to dislike Cousin Bert.

Swabia’s army is defeated in the first battle and spends the rest of the war petulantly glaring at Bavaria’s.​

Cousin Bert asks me to be a commander, but I’m wise to him. It requires a) actual work, and b) means I’ll probably die, neither of which I’ll do for my cousin until he apologizes on behalf of his family for murdering my father and trying to murder me.

So I just sit and home, find new ways to make money, and—

Jesus Christ, my father’s garden need to get fixed up. Nobody will invest in Zollern if I don’t have an amazing pavilion like Dad did.

Gardening has a lot in common with managing money, it turns out. The trick is getting the flowers to accept high-interest loans on fertilizer that will chain them to me forever.​

This time, instead of statues of just my dad, now they’re of me, my wife, and my dad. But mostly me (it’s better that way).

People from all over Swabia come to visit my gardens, especially my pavilion. I realize that I can start charging admission. So I decide to charge a token sum of Volmarks, the official currency of Zollern, for a weekly pass. It’s cheap enough that nobles don’t mind it, and peasants can afford it (which means more paying visitors).

Ahahaha! Suck it, Cousin Duke—I’m loaded!​

In fact, despite being a lowly count, I’m making so much money, and I’m so good at my job, that people as far as Bohemia start to hear of me. The new King of Bohemia himself invites me to his coronation in Prague.

No joke, this happens like six times with six different kings. I have no idea what’s going on in Bohemia, and I’m honestly scared to ask.​

And then the Pope himself writes me a letter, concerning how all Christian realms, big and small, should work together to defeat the Islamic curs.

If you read between the lines, all this says is “Hey Volmar, that’s some nice gold you got there. Mind sending it my way so I can go send people to die for JESUS?”​

Sorry, papa bear. Volmar here’s actually going to spend his gold usefully. I’m gonna invest in something grand. Something that’ll make people go “wow, that’s awesome!” And I think I know exactly what I want to do.

I call it Volmar Tower. It’s a very creative name.​

I hire a local architect to double-check my schematics and get to work. I draw up plans and design almost every little facet of Volmar Tower. To help pay for it, I mint more Volmarks, which goes a long way to ensuring happy workers, and thus good workers.

I even agree to pay pensions and medical care for peasants who get injured on the job.

Then my architect notes that it’s costing us a lot of money to import quality stone. So I get the idea that we could just build a quarry here—it’s a pricey investment, but it means work will get done cheaper and faster here in Zollern, which maximizes profits in the long term.

Keynesian economics in action, folks.​

While I’m out inspecting the burgeoning ground floor of Volmar Tower, some peasant approaches me. Says he has problems with pigs. I tell him to just pay his neighbor any damages and wave him away. I’m busy here.

“Just”? Just leave me alone. I got money to make.​

After a year work and toil, and a fair heft of investment into local industry and infrastructure, Volmar Tower is complete. You can see from miles away. And everyone knows that I, Volmar Friedriching von Hohenzollern, am its maker and owner.

If you build it, it probably sucks. But when I build it, it’s gonna be awesome.​

Oh, and apparently the war with Bavaria ends.

Hmm, sorry? Wasn’t paying attention.​

I send an envoy to the Duke of Bavaria, trying to ingratiate myself to my new lord, only to find out that Cousin Bert is still my duke. The war was over the title of Duke of Swabia. No land changed hands.

Pictured: literally nothing.​

So basically the Duke of Bavaria slaughtered thousands of men and spent piles of gold, just for a title that he didn’t even want to use. Now Cousin Bert is Duke of Teck. Whoopee.

Gotta love feudalism in action.

The more things change, more they stay the same.

Except when it involves Volmar von Hohenzollern. Because things are about to change around here once and for all.

This guy did in a single year what Dudo never could through twenty years of service. Major props.​

And do you know what these counties all have in common? They’re owned by people who wronged my father.

Waldburg, where Landbreht von Gammeretingen rules. The man who ran my father out of the Prosperity Club and tried to ruin him.

Ulm, where Uto rule, the balding drunk who betrayed my father to Uncle Bert.

Thurgau, where… actually, I don’t know who rules there. But it’s pretty rich and it’s right down the road, so I want it.

And make no mistakes, all this money I’ve been saving up? It has a purpose.

My name is not important. What is, is what I’m about to do.​

It’s been forever and one years.

 

[stnylan]

Oh my, the little lord is growing up fast. Time to see if he can make his cousin a bit envious maybe?

 

[solarblaster]

The peasants of Zollern have got to be living the life, as in they have thing like actual plumbing, rather than highly combustible pits

Also, you must one day make Volmarks the standard currency of the HRE (WINK WINK)

 

[Sir Dippingsauce]

Well, they're screwed

 

[Specialist290]

Look out, Germany -- Volmar rides forth!