Meh, I Can Take 'Em — Hohenzollern HIP DisastAAR
- Thread starter Crushric
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Well this looks some very good fun.
Reminds me a lot of a certain Knud Knytling from way back - and that is high praise.
Reminds me a lot of a certain Knud Knytling from way back - and that is high praise.
It's not exactly his party that I should be worried about. Oh god no.
I've heard of the Knud AAR. It was CK1 or something, right?
Well, I hope to do it honor. My biggest inspiration is still the likes of Flamboyant Schemer. (That I already think like Friedrich does only helps me write things out.)
Also—woohoo! Page 2! We in the big leagues now, boyos!
The Duke should see his court physician, he is having some explosive diarrhea, I mean, good god it's horrible.
I have laughed out loud. That does not happen often for me with AARs so take it as praise.
It's a good thing I know that farmer guy.Concentrated manure in a lethal blast, oh my...
Oh I do! High praise indeed!
I'm a writer at heart, and comedy is like one of the few things I can write. I always worry my attempts will fall flat. But I'm super glad you're enjoying it!
(Besides, comments, especially ones like yours, feed my ego, which leads to more chapaters
)
Chapter 5: That Escalated Quickly
25 February, 1081 — 14 March, 1083
25 February, 1081 — 14 March, 1083
My masterful explosives are set, and now all we need do is sit back and—
Shit doesn’t always happen, it seems.
Then I learn that Berthold has a son, creatively named Berthold.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
Who let Berthold reproduce?
So here’s the problem. If Berthold dies, this baby inherits. And babies aren’t exactly known for being able to govern. This also means there’s no chance the emperor might grant me the duchy of Swabia. Or, hell, anything!
Only way this can end now, unless I decide I want to go strangling infants, is in disaster.
But I can fix this!
I try to call the murdering off, only to find myself accosted with priests. Apparently, I spent one too many Sundays working on my garden instead of going to mass, and they don’t like that. I try to sic Dudo on them.
Okay okay okay.
Priests, I can handle. I handle all this. I can run my businesses, I can stop the duke from dying, and I can—
Why wasn’t I consulted?!
I mount my trusty stead, Hemrickles the Obscene, and ride to Württemberg to stop the wheels of murder.
And you know what? I did it. I freakin’ defeated the mercenaries myself. (Fighter of Demons here, remember?)
The Duke tries to thank me, but I silence him and tell him everything.
I explain that I thought he’d be better off dead and arranged for his death, but that I recanted because of priestly intervention. I can even help offer up the other conspirators.
Berthold, idiot of a man, just goes silent. But I can tell he doesn’t take kindly to me from the look in his eyes.
At least he still kinda likes my garden pavilion.
We ride to Württemberg in silence. There, he assembles his court.
“I mean, he did try to kill my brother and all, but on the other hand, that is one nice pavilion.”
I tried to salvage things. But when I gave up a list of names, no one could tie them together. The only hard evidence led to me. He’s at least aware of the others, though, and can put them on watch.
Then the Duke, my brother-in-law, denounces me before the whole court, my whole family, and the whole nation. He strips the title of Marshal of Swabia and all other honorifics from me.
But because I did technically save his life, he’ll at least let me leave his presence a free man.
I return home to Zollern. My wife refuses to speak with me (more than usual, at least), and my court is distant.
Maybe I can fix this? Offer a gift or a public declaration of support for the Duke. Maybe I can get others to help me. I call a meeting of the Prosperity Club. All three of us gather in Zollern and—
You can’t fire me I quit!
I can’t I can’t I can’t!
Counts Uto and Lantbreht, I’ll kill you for this!
All my freetime I soon dedicate to my hauntingly beautiful gardens. I walk the maze I know by heart, smell the flowers I planted, and drink French wine in the pavilion I built. I even try to clean up after Dudo defecates in the flowers.
But I have nothing.
I am nothing.
I don’t even dare to check on Enricho to see how my son Volmar is doing. I know my wife is spouting poison about me to my only child, and I know she’s probably right.
Sometimes she takes him to visit her brother in Württemberg. There they can curse my name all the better. They laugh at me. Mock me.
And they’re not alone.
Everyone’s doing it.
But I can silence just one voice.
This time I won’t back down.
This time the Duke shall die. And I’ll kill his son too if I have to.
I tried to be a hero. A goddamn hero! All I wanted was to save Swabia and ensure a good life for my son.
Is that so wrong of me?
Uto you balding sonofawhore!
How the hell did Uto of all people get invited to my plot?
I add his name twice to my murder list.
That’s when I catch a spy prowling around Castle Zollern.
I have him tortured. I find out what he knows. So far, he was just after information about me, my schedule, what I do, and everything.
After beheading him, I have my spymaster Humbreht investigate the names the spy gave.
Days later, Humbreht turns up face-down in the river.
Murdered.
I stew on this knowledge. I don’t leave my castle, not even to walk my gardens.
I don’t think I’ve seen my son or wife in months. She took the boy and fled to Württemberg at some point, I think. I’m not sure I was paying attention.
A peasant arrives with a letter for me. At first I think it was from one of the local workshops I had invested in. But no. It came from Humbreht. A dead man’s letter in case he met with a terrible end.
It tells me everything.
I’m going to die and there’s nothing I can do, is there?
Duke Berthold arrives with an army at his back. My wife’s with him, and apparently she’s come to spit on me and take my pavilion from me. And you know what else?
That despicable woman brought our son with her. Count Volmar of Zollern, they’re calling the boy now. He’s barely ten years old. He can’t understand what’s going on.
Berthold’s here to strip me of my land and give it to its rightful ruler. He expects me to put up a fight. One last act of defiance before he strips my lands from me.
I considered it. I really did.
But for the first time in my life, I don’t think I can take ’em.
I don’t want my only son to see his father cut down like a dog.
Well, that turned awful dark awful quickly. Will Count Friedrich manage to worm his way out of this one, or will the Hohenzollern tale have to go on without him?
Oh my goodness what a set of events. Truly the world has decided to shower ill-luck on Zollern.
Not even joking when I say this has been my single worst playthrough in the history of Crusader Kings 2. And of course it happens during my first AAR
But that makes it so much more fun!
In my test game as Friedrich, I had been crowned King of Sicily (via crusade victory) and my son conquered the whole area around Zollern. I don't think that's happening anytime soon here.
Now then, stay tuned for the misadventures of Volmar von Hohenzollern. I'm really coming to like that narcissistic asshole.
Sometimes a complete failure makes for a good AAR. This may shape up to be one of these times.
Murder plots rarely end well, except when they do. Obviously that was not the case this time. Hopefully the boy Volmar has better days ahead. But can he say he was a fighter of demons? I dare say no.
Obviously that was not the case this time. Hopefully the boy Volmar has better days ahead. But can he say he was a fighter of demons? I dare say no.
Meant to reply to this a while ago - but yes, Knud Knýtling, Prince of Denmark (and other assorted tales) was a CK1 AAR by @phargle. Just read the first couple of updates, and you will see why I see the similiarities. It is a good fun read.
Seconding that recommendation. The saga of Knud Knytling is a cornerstone of AARland lore.
I'll give it a look. It seems to be in a similar vein to this AAR
I only hope Meh, I Can Take 'Em is as fondly remembered by the end.
I'm inclined to agree. This has proved to be a ton of fun. I've got a few more chapters ready to fire, and they were a blast to write. So, hopefully, it'll be just as fun to read.
No, but he still has his father's pavilion, so I think it all evens out in the end.
Crushric said:
If you achieve only a fraction of this, you will have become a legend. Even Knud Knytling isn't as awesome as Knud Knytlling.