Ha! Didn't expect this, did you? Well, maybe you did. A lot of stuff has happened since I last updated, and I assume most of the readers to whom the "you" in my first sentence refers are either dead, banned, or in rehab. The latest inhabitants of the EU2 AAR forum could be those weird precognitive things from
Minority Report for all I know. It is unlikely that the new precognitive forum dwellers have much interest in this piece. But you know what? Hell if I care. I've got an AAR to finish.
Keep On Rockin' in the Free World
Chapter XVII - Yazoology
Now, where did we leave off again?
Oh, right. Anyway, soon after the victorious American armies returned home, in April 1812, President James Madison recieved a petition from a long-bearded man claiming to represent the "War Hawks."
"Mr. President, sir, we are sorry to say that the continuous injustices made against American merchants by the English fleet can no longer stand. It is time to let slip the dogs of war."
Madison was puzzled. "Mr. van Winkle, have you been asleep for the past two years?"
Upon hearing this the petitioner took a step back, and scratched his head. A long, awkward pause followed.
"As a matter of fact, I have. Good day sir," said Mr. van Winkle, abrubtly exiting.
Other than that, not a whole lot went reported in American politics that year, Madison's popularity boosted by the successful conclusion of the war. In June, some pirates did turn up in the Gulf of St. Lawrence, but that was hardly an American problem.
That summer, international news included a declaration of independence from Wallachia, which immediately granted military access to Venice. Also, the war between Oman and Denmark over the colonies on the Cape of Good Hope ended in stalemate on September 3rd.
Over two weeks in November, meanwhile, American settlers established new colonies in most of the new provinces taken from the British, including Yazoo, Milwaukee, Illinois, Oshkosh, and Sault. The colonists who were supposed to settle in Fox stepped into a transdimensional warp and landed in a Maryland freeway rest stop circa 1995, unfortunately.
At the beginning of January 1813, meanwhile, a messenger from Spain arrived in Washington.
"We would like to announce to the world that the Kingdom of Spain is now a
regime of reaction, he said.
Pictured: The new Prime Minister of Spain.
"Hm. Well. Let us know how that works out for you," replied Secretary of State Monroe.
Also, on March 4th, the United States had a Great Reputation, which it promptly spoiled the next day with an election. Despite President Madison's war success, when the votes were tallied, he ultimately lost to Federalist candidate DeWitt Clinton, thanks to poorly designed ballots.
I mean seriously people.
Other than that, 1813 was a pretty boring year. In May some settlers set up a colony in Fox. In June there was a land technology gain (1), and on July 7th General Dearborn figuratively kicked the bucket. Possibly literally as well.
Also, on October 25th, the colony in Yazoo was expanded, owing to the possiblity of cotton cultivation.
Meanwhile, on January 1st, 1814, the Center of Trade in Manhattan vanished. The NYPD was unable to locate it, but a vacationer in St. Thomas noticed a sudden preponderance of merchants. By February, this new center had been monopolized by the United States. Also, there was a naval technology gain. (2)
On March 5th, a Boundary Dispute was settled peacefully (read: with a bribe.)
In July, President Clinton also sent some merchants to London. That'll learn 'em.
Also, another military commander died on September 14th. His name was Hampton, and he was such an unbelievable jerk that stability in the country actually increased the following month.
The only other notable event of 1814 was the granting of export licenses on December 27th.
1815 began with numerous incidents abroad, but very little to report upon concerning the United States. Denmark rejected a trade agreement on April 8th, and three months later Yazoo expanded further. Also, Britain dumped a lot of soldiers in Canada.
It's alright guys, all they want is a cup of sugar.
Finally, some heretics in Ticonderoga decided to stage a revolt on November 20th. True, this was the only province in the United States where the majority religion was not a variety of Reformed Protestantism, but it also happened to be the home of the 16,000 men of the Continental Army. After an eight-day fight, the rebels were crushed. Said one heretic, "Yeah, we could have thought that one through a bit better."
The army gained new insight into shooting rioters from this series of events, allowing a modernization of tactics. (3)
And so ended 1815. Nothing happened in 1816, or so they would have you believe, so moving swiftly on...
February 1817 saw the refitting of the navy with some shiny new Triple Decker Ships. (4)
Also unhappiness among the merchants, because the Navy didn't give them any free rides.
On March 5th, new President James Monroe took office. The ballots worked a little better this time.
Under his rule some more settlers arrived in Yazoo on October 23rd, and soldiers from Monterey discovered that Tonopah was the most boring place imaginable.
FEEL THE EXCITEMENT!
In February 1818, land military technology got a boost (5), and yet more colonists went to Yazoo.
On April 2nd, some new land was claimed in Kentucky. Fried chicken for everyone.
Over the rest of the year, four parties of settlers all traveled safely to Yazoo. Also, on September 16th, American soldiers discovered Sierra Nevada. It was slightly less boring than Tonopah but not worth the cost of settling, especially considering the boorish local natives.
As 1819 began, a final group of colonists arrived in Yazoo, making it a full city. To celebrate, on February 4th somebody set up a bank.
Other than some competition in the Center of Trade at St. Thomas, nothing much went on until August 29th, when the beloved Commodore Perry died.
In his memory, the Navy fitted all its ships with some really nice guns on September 1st. (6)
One month later, the Army also gained some new technology. (7)
Finally, on December 19th, Zimbabwe was discovered for some reason.
That's a good non sequitur to end the story on, don't you think?
Final Footnotes VII (Aeris dies!)
1. Land tech 55.
2. Naval tech 48.
3. Land tech 56.
4. Naval tech 49.
5. Land tech 57.
6. Naval tech 50.
7. Land tech 58.
