• Crusader Kings III Available Now!

    The realm rejoices as Paradox Interactive announces the launch of Crusader Kings III, the latest entry in the publisher’s grand strategy role-playing game franchise. Advisors may now jockey for positions of influence and adversaries should save their schemes for another day, because on this day Crusader Kings III can be purchased on Steam, the Paradox Store, and other major online retailers.


    Real Strategy Requires Cunning

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Postmodern poseur
Jun 3, 2004
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Keep on Rockin’ in the Free World!*

An AAR of the USA

*Unless, of course, you are a slave. In which case you do not rock the free world but rather three fifths of it, if that is indeed possible.

So what on God’s green earth is this?
Use that expression once more and I’m calling the ACLU on you.
Er.... can you answer my question?
Sure.
Do go on.
Must I?
Yes, or this whole dialog segment is a large non sequitur.
YAHTZEE!
I beg your pardon?
See, that was a non sequitur. This is Shy Kid’s new AAR.
Who on G- er, who in the world is Shy Kid?
*Puts down telephone* The poster formerly known as the_shy_kid, brought to obscurity by The Crusader Mafia.
So what’s the game?
Ahhh.... *Scratches back of head* EU2 1.09, in theory. In practice, I’ll have to find the CD first.
You do that, then.
I’ll try.
Once you deal with that, and get out of this snarky irreverent self-involved metaphorical construct, what will the AAR be about and stuff?
Don’t go all anonymous4401 on me now.
See, now you’re doing it.
Anyway, the AAR will concern the United States, from 1773 to 1819. Vanilla except for some modifications to native city populations. They will all become colonies, to more accurately reflect the quasi-genocidal way in which they were settled, and to make it a bit easier since the U.S. doesn’t get any missionaries.
What are you waiting for then?
Now what did I say about the CD?

---

Prologue​
If you want to start somewhere, blame the French and Indians. These of course were the parties in what Britain’s American colonies called the French and Indian War, known everywhere else as the Friedrich II - Maria Theresa Pan-Silesian Grudge Match. Just as a good government should, the colonists’ British overlords took actions to protect their territory, then used the events as an excuse to hose the inhabitants of the territories out of every last penny.

Greater taxation began in 1760, coinciding with greater enforcement of the Navigation Acts, which sought to restrict trade according to British mercantilist ideas, using what would in a later era be called “open-ended search warrants” but would at this point be called “good police work.” James Otis argued that the warrants violated American colonists’ constitutional rights. The British pointed out, quite rightly, that they didn’t have any.

Next act of oppression was King George III’s vetoing of the Two-Penny Act, which placed an upper limit on clerical salaries, previously tied to the price of tobacco. A lawyer named Patrick Henry argued, “that a King, by disallowing Acts of this salutary nature, from being the father of his people, degenerated into a Tyrant and forfeits all right to his subjects' obedience." Whether Henry said this with a straight face is lost to history.

In 1764, the Sugar Act and Currency Act were passed by the British parliament, imposing more taxes on the colonies, without the colonists’ consent. This helped coin the term “no taxation without representation,” which was what passed for a catchy slogan in those days. It also began the process of unification, as the colonists began coordinating their anti-taxation efforts.

In the next year, the Stamp Act was passed by Parliament. This required the purchase of a tax stamp for basically anything that anyone would ever read. This upset the newspapermen, something generally to be avoided, and the lawyers, who must not be crossed in any circumstance. The general populace followed and the result was a wellspring of popular opinion reminiscient on many levels of a soccer riot, complete with effigy deaths. In response to the near unenforceability of the taxes, Parliament thusly repealed them, though more in response to boycotted British merchants than colonist popular opinion.

However, in a sort of curt “screw you” to the American merchants and lawyers who led opposition to the Stamp Act, Parliament struck back in 1767 with the Townshend Acts, which taxed more things than a Massachusetts Democrat, including all imports of glass, paint, lead, paper, and tea. Naturally this drew even greater furor, with similar amounts of boycotting and a massive rise in smuggling. As a result, John Hancock’s ship, suspected of smuggling, was seized. The rioting this caused was enough for British customs officials to declare Boston to be in a state of insurrection. Proving that there is no situation that cannot be improved by Redcoats, British soldiers occupied the town. As a fashion statement, the color red was out, and would be until the Red Sox won the World Series. Like the Stamp Act, the Townshend Acts were by and large repealed, in 1770. However, out of what was presumably pure spite, the British continued to impose a tax on tea. The consequences of that were.... large.

To be continued.

Preview, Chapter One:
 
Last edited:

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AARlander
Jun 12, 2003
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Excellent start, the_shy_kid! Though I demand more trading cards! In fact, make it a CCG! For some reason every sentence in this post ended up ending with an exclamation mark!
 

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Postmodern poseur
Jun 3, 2004
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anonymous4401 said:
Excellent start, the_shy_kid! Though I demand more trading cards!
I've made something like ten. If you all are good readers, I shall reveal them.


Oh, why lie- the next update will have them if anyone reads or not. ;)
 

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AARlander
Jun 12, 2003
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Do you have an update schedule, by any chance?

And your anonymous4401 points aren't worthless, they can be exchanged for anonymous4401 Dollars at a 100-1 ratio! So you have A$3 right there! You now have negative A$ because you posted in my signature repositorium. Doesn't mean you owe me anything, just means that for you to have a positive A$ balance you'll have to work harder.
 

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Field Marshal
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Shy Kid said:
...Parliament struck back in 1767 with the Townshend Acts, which taxed more things than a Massachusetts Democrat, including all imports of glass, paint, lead, paper, and tea.
:rofl:

That line was pretty good. I liked your summary of the various taxes imposed on the colonies after the Seven Years War. Good luck as you continue.
 

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Alien Space Bat
Sep 9, 2002
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jwolf said:
:rofl:

That line was pretty good. I liked your summary of the various taxes imposed on the colonies after the Seven Years War. Good luck as you continue.
Kind of ironic actually, isn't it, seeing as how Massachusetts was the center of the tax revolt in those days. ;)

Oh, and who is the creater of this AAR? I seem to remember a the_shy_kid, but this guy... :p

Seriously, though, by whatever name, you're doing a good job so far.
 

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Khan of the Crimea
Oct 21, 2002
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anonymous4401 said:
Do you have an update schedule, by any chance?
Real authors don't have update schedules.

This, by the way, is a hilarious AAR, the_shy_kid, and I love all the non sequiturs.

Banana!
 

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Member of that Dreadful SBC
Jun 20, 2005
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I tried all the snarky, irreverant metaphorical constructs, and was informed that my AAR is boring. :(
 

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AARlander
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I think some think your AAR is boring because you mope around about how much it is boring and sucks all the time. :wacko:
 

coz1

GunslingAAR
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Oi - watch the spam, fellas. Let the man write his AAR...regardless of how "shy" he may be. ;)
 

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Postmodern poseur
Jun 3, 2004
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Setting up internet on my new computer, so can't get directly to the good stuff. May sound like a cop out, but true.
re anonymous4401: No update schedule but presuming my internet pans out and I don't kill myself learning to drive, I can't think of much keeping me from the computer until vacation in late July, for whatever that's worth.
jwolf: You aren't a Republican, by any chance? ;)
Judas Maccabeus, Hajji Giray I, Specialist290: Thanks! :)
Nameless: Well keep trying. You have to be an obscure writer before becoming one with legions of fans willing to commit high treason on your command, a lá anonymous4401. ;)
anonymous4401: The dangers of self-deprecation. :D
coz1: No, don't! The attention is making me feel special! :( ;)
Fiftypence: Excellent.


Also, how do you indent? Tab key doesn't always seem to work with vB Code.
 

Fiftypence

Debased coinage
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Also, how do you indent? Tab key doesn't always seem to work with vB Code.
[INDENT*]text[/INDENT*] should do the trick (without the asterisks of course). The button just left of bullet points, and just below [SIZE] will do it for you automatically.
 

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AARlander
Jun 12, 2003
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Don't work at all. You can use the
tag, with the slash to end it, turning whatever's between into indented text, however. But as for starting paragraphs with indents and such, if you find out a way, tell me! I'd like to know.​
 

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Second Lieutenant
Oct 9, 2001
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Good start Kid, will be following.
 

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Member of that Dreadful SBC
Jun 20, 2005
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Oh, I meant to say, good start. :)