The Italian War, Among Others
On July 29th, 1533, I declared war on Milan, in accordance with the plan recorded in my last letter. Enclosed are the reports from some of my generals.
Dear Karl,
I have arrived in Milan. In my capacity as highest-ranking officer of this army, I shall merely let Von Frundsberg lead, so I can devote my time to my hobbies, like cooking Italian food. There is a lot here, but I suspect the men in Milan’s fort are hiding some. If I ever begin to run out, I shall order an assault. We shall probably capture this province in a year. I shan’t be wanting to take up too much of your time, so goodbye for now.
His Odiferousness,
Ferdinand.
To His Most Royal Highness, Greetings.
I have attacked the Milanese army, and lain siege to their fort. A small number of Milanese have gotten away, and they looked like they were heading for Tyrol, so I sent M’Dling after them. The Hungarian army has arrived, and told us that they would lead all of us. You can never trust foreigners. Luckily, Ferdinand was with me at the time, and, for once, did something right. He said that, as he was royalty, he led the army. Forgive me for saying this, but Ferdinand is an incompetent, bumbling old fool, and it’s lucky he let me do the actual commanding. I have reduced the time it will take to siege the fort to nine months. The garrison in the fort numbers around 4500 men, and we have over 20 thousand. I must leave now. Ferdinand is asking the Milanese in the fort if they have any spaghetti sauce. That man is mad.
Your most humble servant,
Von Frundsberg, of Praz regiment
To His Majesty.
Have just enough time to write letter. Have cut off Milanese in Tyrol, chasing to Salzburg. Milanese generals’ wife captured. Will be sent to Palace for you-know-what.
M’Dling.
Dear Karl,
That fool Frundsberg kept me from getting my spaghetti sauce. I nearly killed him, but I remembered that then I would have to command by my self. Anyway, I ordered an assault soon afterwards, and captured some sauce. A lot of the Milanese were killed, but they sacrificed their lives for a noble cause. Namely, me getting the sauce. They will probably surrender in three months, and I can take all the food they’re hiding. Muahahahaha.
Ferdinand.
To the Grandest Ruler in the Universe.
We have captured Milan. After it fell, I found out that all the Milanese members of government had fled, so I manufactured a peace, where Austria gets all of Milan. This happened yesterday, on the 22nd of January 1533. I must leave now, to make an appointment with a nice young lady on time.
Von Frundsberg.
After the war, I put a Chief Judge in Styria, because I had some extra money. Then the Palatinate declared war on us on April 23rd, 1534. Bohemia and Spain joined, but Spain never attacked. Hungary joined me. We captured Carniola, and Hungary captured Presburg. We also fended of countless attacks from Bohemia in Ostburg. Then, I found something rather bad. MrT, the head of our rivals, has possessed the leaders of the Palatinate for as long as we have controlled Austria. I met him in Carniola, where he was in the fort we captured. “So, we meet again,” he said. “We have never met. I joined DemonCorp after you left to start the Jolly Ice cream Demon Company,” I replied. “Yes, you’re right. Let’s fight like in the movies anyway.” We fought, and I totally won big time. MrT fled, yelling, “You can keep Carniola. I’m not warring with you anymore. I’m going home.” He’s such a crybaby. At least no one else from another company is on Earth.
OOC: MrT, if you read this, don't be insulted by the crybaby thing. Just storyline.