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Herr Passeportout, und die Nation Austria

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Fools

Back in July of 1511, I received a nasty little jolt. I got a letter in the mail from Hungary’s Foreign office. Here is the text.

Dear Maximilian,

We have received a letter, purporting to be from Austria, asking us to become
your vassals. As it is not in your handwriting, we are forced to decline, and do ask that you control whoever wrote this letter.

Sincerely,
Adrasy Magyarand
Hungarian Foreign Affairs Office

Fools. They should have accepted. I had an idea on who sent it, though. I immediately went to the offices of the Union of Merchants, Traders, Swindlers, and Loan Sharks (UMTSLS). When I got there I went into the General Managers office and sat down. “Where’s General Manager?” I asked. “Novgorod”, said Wilhelm Jefferson Clankerton. “I’m the Vice General Manager.” “Very well. Does a man named Rudolph “red-nose” Hienkel belong to your organisation?” I showed him a picture of the man. “That good for nothing drunkard? Yes. Unfortunately.” “I have reason to believe he is working for a foreigner named Adolph Hienkel. They are trying to overthrow my government.” “Hmmm. I don’t think they’re connected in any way. I’ll get rid of Red-nose if you want, though. All he does that I can tell is sit around here making paper airplanes.” “Good. I shall be… Oh, are you making a paper airplane? Get me some paper and I’ll make one too. We can have a flying contest.”

Anyway, a few hours later I was in bed reading. The Chamberlain of Servants has a rule that everyone must be in bed by 8 PM. Since the rule started, I’ve been having aural hallucinations. I keep thinking I hear a party going on downstairs. I was reading the company rulebook, Section G Subsection 4b. So that you don’t have to look it up, here is the relevant part:
1. Thou shalt not kill.
2. Thou shalt not commit adultery.
3. Thou shalt not fight the Palatinate if they are in an alliance with Bohemia.

The first thing I though was “Oh, darn, I’ve broken 3 rules.” Then I thought, “hey, is the Palatinate still allied with Bohemia?” I looked at the Royal Book of the Political Situation Abroad. Muahahahahahaha. Haha. Ho. HeeHee. Ha some more. The Palatinate was in an alliance with Kleves, Cologne, and Hessen, none of whom border me. I decided to get my provinces back and declared war on May 4th, 1511. I began sieging my former provinces, but their big army got away from my big army, and attacked my medium and small armies. They then demanded 250 Ducats in peace, which I paid due to my religion. Now I must wait until the 1520’s to declare war again.

Post Scriptum. I haven’t been paid in three months. I heard that Peter Ebbessen over in Strategic Possession hasn’t been either. In fact, no one who’s been assigned to Austria has been paid. You’d better pay us, or we’ll join the union.

Post Post Scriptum. What if I had to break the rules in order to advance the company's position on Earth? You do know that I'm the only candidate for Employee of the Month from our department, and if you give me the demerits, Rogers in Actors deparment will get it, and I know how much you hate the head of Actors.
 
Book reccomendation

There were a bunch of books published sometime in the '90s, by Time-Life books (I think) on historical subjects. The whole series was called What Life was Like, and they'd incorcorate that into the titles. One of them is called What life was Like At Empire's End, and is about Austria from 1848-1914. it's very possible that some library you go to has it, since I've to three that either have that one, or another one in the same series. If they don't have it, they could get it though the library book exchange.
 
Re: Book reccomendation

Originally posted by J. Passeportout
There were a bunch of books published sometime in the '90s, by Time-Life books (I think) on historical subjects. The whole series was called What Life was Like, and they'd incorcorate that into the titles. One of them is called What life was Like At Empire's End, and is about Austria from 1848-1914. it's very possible that some library you go to has it, since I've to three that either have that one, or another one in the same series. If they don't have it, they could get it though the library book exchange.
Click to expand...


Okay, but why? You don't have to write a review, but what's good about the book? What insights does it offer, etc, etc.

I'm drowning in historical non-fiction right now, a couple chapters into at least three different books (one on the Ottoman Empire, another on the history of piracy, and another on science and technology in the middle ages...) Considering that the period for the book you described falls outside the period of the game, I'm unclear on the benefit.

By the way, if you are having trouble pinning down an enemy army as you described, you can do what I call the "brave volunteers" cheat:

Split 1,000 cavalry off from your armies and send them racing into the (adjacent) enemy army. Usually the reason your armies are too slow to catch the enemy is that you've started a bit after they did and you have a mixed troop composition. (Artillery is SLOW!). However, your brave cavalry volunteers get there very fast, and then engage the enemy in a short hopeless battle. Sure the enemy gets some credit for the victory, but he also has to start marching out of the province all over agin. By that time, your main unit can do what it was trying to do (usually either to catch the enemy to engage him, or to get out of their province before the enemy arrives...)

I call it a cheat because in real life, it's pretty obvious that if the enemy engages my 1,000 volunteers only 10 miles from the province border, they don't magically teleport back to the center of the province right after the battle!

:rolleyes:
 
I like it because of the scraps of geneology it throws out on the Hapsburgs (which includes various madmen), and the bit near the end about Freud and the Strausses. I also like all the maps and pictures.:) I can't remember if it's this book or the one they have on Russia that has 3 dictators mentioned in the same sentence, but...

Thanks for the tip. I'll try it in 10 years. :D ;)
 
If I were you I'd brake the rule about you accept anything. BECAUSE

The AI ALWAYS WANTS MONEY. Even if Im winning they sometimes demnad my whole treasury. You should do it to a point for example, you accept anything after 2 stars or 2 tombstones.

You'll never get big doing what your doing.
 
Revenge is mine! Bwahahahahaha!

Some years ago in 1518 I invited my niece, Wilhelmina, and her family in Saxony. She was doing very well, and had three children. I had a very nice talk with the middle child, Han, on the second to last day of their visit, and he expressed interest in my daughter. I said “go ahead, take her. I need to marry her to someone good before she runs off with someone.” Like Adolph Hienkel. “By the way, do you know of anyone my younger son, Kaiser, could marry? He’s gotten to that age where kids yell back at their kings, and I want to get rid of him.” “Ah, he’s two now? I know a Teutonic lady who would take him. I’ll ask her as soon as I see her.” I thereby got rid of two brats.

In 1521, I discovered that my Finance minister made a deal with UMTSLS to have a three-year embargo on the whole world back in 1518, even though we have no centers of trade to apply this in. “Why did you do that?” I asked. “Bwahahahahaha” the minister replied. “You are fired.” “I did it for an excuse to get the government money.” “That idiot is having his time lag thing again.”

Also in 1518, some guy I can’t remember the name of got some people to convert to his new brand of Christianity, called Protestantism. To give you an idea of what the local religions are like, here’s a rundown. Christians worship a god named God, which means god. There are three sects of Christianity, Roman Catholicism, Orthodoxy, and Protestantism. They disagree on what language to worship their god in. There is another religion called Islam. The Islamic god is named Allah, which means god. The Shiite and Sunni sects disagree on who should rule everyone else.

Unfortunately for me, Maximilian died on the first day of 1519. I had expected this, however, and had a will prepared.

I, Maximilian, Emperor of Austria and Holy Roman Emperor, being of sound mind, leave this will.
I leave the Nation of Austria to my son, Karl. I also leave to Karl any possessions of mine not given to others in this will.

(Signed)
King Maximilian of Austria
Scot Kilsberg, attorney of the above signed

I timed it so that I left Maximilian and possessed Karl exactly when Max died.

My first act in Karl was to put an advertisement in the Viennan Messerschmidt, which ran thus: Austrian Army looking for capable general to lead army in war planned in two years. Must be willing to siege forts. If interested, contact King Karl V.
A year later I got a reply from a fellow named Ludwig von Frundsberg. He seemed to be capable, so I assigned him to Praz Regiment.

Finally, 1522 came, and I declared war on the Palatinate on the 7th of July. I sieged all the provinces I wanted back, and received Ostmarch in peace on March 7th of the next year.

Post Scriptum: I got paid for last week, but I haven’t got all the back pay. You owe me $525,600.
 
Originally posted by Imperial Army
If I were you I'd brake the rule about you accept anything. BECAUSE

The AI ALWAYS WANTS MONEY. Even if Im winning they sometimes demnad my whole treasury. You should do it to a point for example, you accept anything after 2 stars or 2 tombstones.

You'll never get big doing what your doing.
Click to expand...


I am voting for: Breake the rule when you are in war with nations that controlls one or more of your core-provinces.
 
The Mad King

In 1524, I conceived of a plan to get a port. However, it relied on Helvetia remaining in its alliance. I had planned on declaring war on Helvetia, in order to have Savoy declare war, and thereby get a port. However, before I was able to declare war at all, Helvetia converted to Protestant. Protestantism is getting fairly common in these days, what with England, Sweden, and a score of others following Helvetias example.

That’s not the worst of it. In March of 1528, Karl V managed to exorcise himself, somehow. I had luckily concluded my army buildup, which was the main priority at the time. However, government business ground to a halt as the king was publicly accused of insanity. He told everyone he had been possessed, but fortunately this was only believed among an incredibly small fragment of the peasantry. It took me all of eleven months to regain possession of the king.

I tried to refrain from politics for a few years, waiting for the stigma of the believed insanity to wear off. I did make new plans to gain a port, involving conquering Milan in 1532, to get at Genoa’s port. Then the blow struck. Giovannio DiCappincino, a prominent Genoese Businessman, accosted me in a conference I was attending. He demanded my cousin in marriage. “Well,” I said, “I was going to declare war on your country sometime in the future.” “You could somehow get into our alliance, vassalise us, and annex us,” he replied. “No, that would take too long. I think I’ll conquer you, unless I get a good reason to do it your way.” “Well, can I marry her?” “How about you marry my cousin, instead?” “That’s who I want to marry.” “Okay. Marry away.”

Sincerely,
Your agent on earth who thinks this may be intercepted by rival companies, and therefore is not including name.
 
The Italian War, Among Others

On July 29th, 1533, I declared war on Milan, in accordance with the plan recorded in my last letter. Enclosed are the reports from some of my generals.

Dear Karl,
I have arrived in Milan. In my capacity as highest-ranking officer of this army, I shall merely let Von Frundsberg lead, so I can devote my time to my hobbies, like cooking Italian food. There is a lot here, but I suspect the men in Milan’s fort are hiding some. If I ever begin to run out, I shall order an assault. We shall probably capture this province in a year. I shan’t be wanting to take up too much of your time, so goodbye for now.
His Odiferousness,
Ferdinand.

To His Most Royal Highness, Greetings.

I have attacked the Milanese army, and lain siege to their fort. A small number of Milanese have gotten away, and they looked like they were heading for Tyrol, so I sent M’Dling after them. The Hungarian army has arrived, and told us that they would lead all of us. You can never trust foreigners. Luckily, Ferdinand was with me at the time, and, for once, did something right. He said that, as he was royalty, he led the army. Forgive me for saying this, but Ferdinand is an incompetent, bumbling old fool, and it’s lucky he let me do the actual commanding. I have reduced the time it will take to siege the fort to nine months. The garrison in the fort numbers around 4500 men, and we have over 20 thousand. I must leave now. Ferdinand is asking the Milanese in the fort if they have any spaghetti sauce. That man is mad.

Your most humble servant,
Von Frundsberg, of Praz regiment

To His Majesty.

Have just enough time to write letter. Have cut off Milanese in Tyrol, chasing to Salzburg. Milanese generals’ wife captured. Will be sent to Palace for you-know-what.
M’Dling.

Dear Karl,
That fool Frundsberg kept me from getting my spaghetti sauce. I nearly killed him, but I remembered that then I would have to command by my self. Anyway, I ordered an assault soon afterwards, and captured some sauce. A lot of the Milanese were killed, but they sacrificed their lives for a noble cause. Namely, me getting the sauce. They will probably surrender in three months, and I can take all the food they’re hiding. Muahahahaha.
Ferdinand.

To the Grandest Ruler in the Universe.
We have captured Milan. After it fell, I found out that all the Milanese members of government had fled, so I manufactured a peace, where Austria gets all of Milan. This happened yesterday, on the 22nd of January 1533. I must leave now, to make an appointment with a nice young lady on time.

Von Frundsberg.

After the war, I put a Chief Judge in Styria, because I had some extra money. Then the Palatinate declared war on us on April 23rd, 1534. Bohemia and Spain joined, but Spain never attacked. Hungary joined me. We captured Carniola, and Hungary captured Presburg. We also fended of countless attacks from Bohemia in Ostburg. Then, I found something rather bad. MrT, the head of our rivals, has possessed the leaders of the Palatinate for as long as we have controlled Austria. I met him in Carniola, where he was in the fort we captured. “So, we meet again,” he said. “We have never met. I joined DemonCorp after you left to start the Jolly Ice cream Demon Company,” I replied. “Yes, you’re right. Let’s fight like in the movies anyway.” We fought, and I totally won big time. MrT fled, yelling, “You can keep Carniola. I’m not warring with you anymore. I’m going home.” He’s such a crybaby. At least no one else from another company is on Earth.


OOC: MrT, if you read this, don't be insulted by the crybaby thing. Just storyline.
 
Ho! A Port!

The Protestant Problem is increasing. The Teutonic Order and Saxony converted. They sent back my Nieces. I managed to send one to Hungary, to marry John Zapolya, but the other died too soon to remarry. In 1544, Jean Calvin started the Reformed sect of Christianity. England converted instantly.

In other news, I declared war on Parma, a one-province Italian country, to gain their port. Their allies, Genoa, Tuscany, and the Knights joined, but didn’t help at all. But then, right before my armies captured Parma, the dreaded Time Warp Demon-Spiting Hole appeared on Karl, and I was sucked back to 1537, just before the Teutonic Order and Saxony converted. Luckily, Time worked for me after wards, and only some army statistics changed. I sent Von Frundsberg over to the Austrian-Parmesan border sooner, and when I declare war on Parma, the war went quicker than it would have. Our worst loss was, unfortunately, Von Frundsberg himself. I feel the Viennen Messerschmidt newspaper can express it better than I can.

General Von Frundsberg Dead

The great general of the Royal Austrian Army, Von Frundsberg, died on the 8th of January, in an assault on a Parmesan fort. His funeral took place the next Sunday. There was a large attendance, which include King Karl V. Von Frundsbergs casket was carried into the cathedral by six of his soldiers. Cardinal Swartzermann conducted the funeral rites, and spoke at length on the general. The king spoke next, but broke down before he could finish. Then, as the casket was lifted to be brought to the Royal Cemetery, a 21-gun salute was shot, and repeated every ten minutes along the way to the cemetery. He was then buried next to where our present king will be when he dies.

We interviewed King Karl V on the subject of Frundsberg.
VM: What exactly was the general doing at Parma?
KK: He was attempting to capture the province so that we would have a port.
VM: Why didn’t you send your Uncle Frederick? He would have had more authority.
KK: He is, quite frankly, totally incompetent. And anyway, they were arguing all the time before I sent Von Frundsberg over. Some stupid thing about tactics in relation to food.
VM: My cousin happens to be Frederick’s secretary, so take that back.
KK: Guards. Send this person to jail.

That is all there was in the paper. We annexed Parma on April 8th, 1543.

Then in August, the peasants in Modena revolted and were put down. Then in May 1545 the Modena Chapter of the Union of Merchants, Traders, Swindlers, and Loan Sharks (UMTSLS) rioted. General Manager made a public statement; “They misunderstood us. We meant revolting as in dirty. We have severely disciplined Musso Morlaci, the head of that chapter. He’s been kicked out.”


OOC: Yes, Ferdinand is obssessed with food.
 
The Fall

Boss.
Please accept this as my resignation. Austria has been attacked by the Bohemian alliance, the French alliance, The Palatinate, Poland-Lithuania, Venice, Heltvetia, and Spain. We have been at war for eight years, and ceded all our provinces save three: Austria, Salzburg, and Odenburg. Our treasury has been drained likewise: for peace and for building armies. Karl V died, and the new king, Ferdinand, is in too awful a condition for me to possess him. The economy is in shambles. I had to take a 500 ducat loan from the war bank, and half of it was taken in peace soon after. The country is barely hanging on, and only the best employees could rectify the situation, but are working somewhere more necessary to company interests. I certainly couldn’t rectify it.

I leave all my possessions to you, Boss. I have gotten hold of a Particle-Blaster, and shall only send this message before using it.

Goodbye everyone.
Agent Wells, # 54, DemonCorp
 
Well looks like your a better AAR writer than Austrian king.... :D I enjoyed reading this 'coz like Imperial Army said, your tale is as accurate when you lose as it is in victory.
 
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