Somewhere in Europe October 1940
The familiar rumblings of a German Panzer were heard through the countryside. Dust covered and battle scared, the steel behemoth rolled oblivious to the fact that it was driving around in circles.
Inside the tank, Rommel fumbled around with a large map trying to unfold in and managing to tear it in several places doing so.
Rommel: Do you remember if we made a left or a right at Tulon?
Guderian: (shakes his head) I can’t believe this. I’m lost with mister logistics wizard here.
Rommel: Oh, sure, blame everything on me why don’t you. You’re the one driving the Panzer! If you weren’t so gun-oh about blasting those French divisions, we wouldn’t be lost!
Guderian: Blasting the French is what I do! So put a sock in it and find out where we are!
Rommel: Fine! Stop the tank and let me get my bearings. We’ve been diving around in circles for the last hour anyway.
The Panzer grinds to a hald with the engines rumbling to a low idle. Rommel sticks his head out of the copula and starts looking around.
Rommel: Well, judging by the angle of the sun, and the current wind flow, as well as taking into account the flight migrations of those swallows up there, as well as analyzing those rock formations… I’d say that we’re in Gibraltar.
Guderian: (blinks wide-eyed with awe) You deduced all that from looking at that crap out there?
Rommel: No… (Then suddenly ducks back into the tank as a bullet whizzes overhead.) Those British regulars in those bunkers currently shooting at us pretty much gave it away.
Guderain bangs his head against the steering column a few times.
Rommel: You, know since we’re here anyway we might as well conquer the damn place.
Guderian: Well that’s just peachy! How do you expect us to attack a fortified mountain position with tanks? (bullets start peppering the Panzer as it slowly rolls away.)
Rommel: Don’t worry, I’ll think of something.
Three days later:
Within the fortressed bunkers of Gibraltar, British troops vigilantly keep watch over the approached to the citadel knowing that the enemy could attack at any moment. From the mists of morning something can be seen approaching the walls.
British soldier 1: (finally, one of the men spots the oncoming object) Hey boys, what to you make of that?
All the soldiers turn to look and stare in amazement as a wooden Panzer comes rolling up, pushed from behind by a bunch of German soldiers. After being spotted, the Germans run away leaving the wood tank sitting there.
British soldier 2: Hm… well I’m guessing that’s it’s a replica of a Panther III with a 50mm cannon mount.
British soldier 3: No, no, no, just take a look at the angle of that sloped armor. It’s definitely an advanced Panther IV with a 70mm mount. See what happens when you sleep through tank school.
British soldier 2: Well, I do like the detail on those protective skirts.
British soldier 1: (nods his head thoughtfully) It is a nice model, why do ya recon the German’s would be leaving it about?
British soldiers 2: Probably cause there are some German’s hiding inside hoping that we’ll bring it inside our gates. I’ve seen it in a movie before. They’ll sneak out at night and open the gates from the within to let the main force attack us.
British soldier 3: Pretty tricky, but you’d have to get up pretty early in the morning to fool us British! I say we take it inside and burn it! That ought to teach em!
British soldier 1: Sounds like a plan to me. I’ll get some marshmallows to roast by the fire!
And so the British soldiers start off. Opening the gates, they come out with some trucks and heavy chains and drag the wooden Panzer in.
Meanwhile inside the wooden Panzer:
Guderian: How the hell did I ever get myself talked into this? (bangs his head on the steering column again)
British soldier 1: Well, we dragged her in, who’s got a match?
British soldier 2: Here you go! (hands him a lit match and they set it under the wooden hull which soon starts to smolder. Remember now, when they come scrambling out of there, don’t forget the shoot em! (smiles and cocks his pistol)
British soldier 3: Yup, like I said before, you got to get up pretty early in the morning to put one over the British!
From the distance, looking through his binoculars with a grin on his face:
Rommel: Ha! They fell for it, the oldest trick in the book, the Trojan Panzer! (A cannon shot is soon heard in the distance, followed by a lot of screaming and yelling)
British soldier 1: Hey, wait a minute! This isn’t a wooden Panzer! It’s a real Panzer covered with balsa wood!
British Soldier 2 and 3: Awww crap!
Guderian: Ha! Eat my offensive doctrine and like it! (The tank gun fires again! BOOM!!!)
Rommel: I am just too good!
Berlin November 1940
Ribbentrop: Mein Fuhrer! Mein Fuhrer! Wonderful news!!! (he excitedly runs through the door into the study to hind Hitler and Georing in the middle of rolling dice in their Axis and Allies game)
Hitler: Shhhh… Ribbi, I’m in the middle of bombing Pearl Harbor.
Georing: I told him that the Japanese attacking the American fleet on the first turn was risky but he wouldn’t listen. I think you’re better off saving your resources attacking the Russians.
Hitler: Bah! Take out the American fleet early on, and you’ll rule the whole Pacific. It will take the American’s years to rebuild their ships! Heck they just might even roll over and not fight at all after their fleet is gone.
Georing: Well, knowing most Americans, even if you sent their entire fleet to the bottom of the ocean, they’ll probably come after you in rowboats if they had to.
Hitler: (Frowns, thinking things over) Dumb American’s! Too stupid to know when to surrender. This could complicate things… So Ribbi, what’s this good news you’re talking about?
Ribbentrop: Great news indeed, Rommel and Guderian have conquered all of mainland France as well as captured the British fortress of Gibraltar!
Hitler: Gibraltar you say! Well, heck that deserved a kegger!
Georing: Mmmm… Georing likes beer.
Hitler: Don’t we all.
Ribbentrop: In other news our scientists in their search to turn lead into gold and create bigger dice, have stumbled upon the fluidcracking process.
Georing: How exactly do you crack fluid? Um… isn’t like uh, fluid?
Hitler: What will those crazy scientists think up next? (looks at the dice in his hand confused) Hey, whose turn is it any way Hemri?
Georing: I kinda lost track. I was trying to remember what the attack rating of those bombers were. Do they get a bonus against subs?
Hitler: (sigh) All this warmongering is giving me a headache. I wish there was a way to get through this simulation with out having to roll all these dice. I’m already getting carpel tunnel in my wrist. Ribbi, if those scientists of mine have time to figure out how to crack fluid, then they should have time to figure out a way to calculate all this dice rolling automatically! Get them to it!
Ribbentrop: At once mein Fuhrer! Oh, and lastly, Field Marshals von Manstein and von Kludge have finally reported in! They have finally crushed the last of the Dutch resistance and will be heading back to Berlin for debriefing. Rommel and Guderian are on their way also.
Hitler: That’s wonderful! They’ll all be here in time for Christmas. It’s always good to have family together for the holidays.