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this is to much im going to turn into some batman badguy soon: The terrible laughter^^
This is awsome! The funniest AAR I have ever read. It's even better than the Iraqi comedy one...
Berlin April 1941
The door to the study bursts open and a winded Ribbentrop comes staggering inside. Hitler and Georing look up from their current Axis and Allies simulation fearing the worse.
Ribbentrop: I have terrible news sir! (struggles to catch his breath)
Hitler: (Looks up from his desk growing pale) No… Has the Iraqi army defeated my field marshals? I sent 30 divisions of armor 6 divisions of mechanized infantry and 12 divisions of fodder at them! Weren’t they enough?
Ribbentrop: No mein Fuhrer, you miss under—
Hitler: (clutches at his hair in lamentation) All lost? Oh the horror! Look at what my warmongering ways have cost me! I should have just been content with being a bad watercolor artist instead of a power hungry dictator! Oh fate, why do you mock me so!!!
Georing: Damn those Iraqis and their WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!! Why can’t they fight fair using weapons of minimal destruction like everyone else!
Hitler: I guess this is it then, it over… Goodbye cruel world! (he reaches into his desk drawer and pulles out a bottle of cyanide pills. The label reads, “In case of defeat or Celine Dion concert”)
Ribbentrop: No mein Fuhrer! You miss understand. It’s about the United States sir, they have declared war on us!
Hitler: (impatiently, holding the bottle) Yes, yes. But what about the Iraqis, man?!?
Ribbentrop: Um, Rommel has annexed the nation of Iraq and Guderian ended up in Kuwait when the brakes in his Panzer gave out. Right now we are searching for the Iraqi weapons of mass destruction.
Georing: Iraqi has been defeated??? Thank you O merciful god! (falls to his knees)
Hitler: The nightmare is over! I began to think that it would never end! (throws the bottle over his shoulder) Won’t be needing those quite yet!
Hitler and Georing jump up and start dancing a jig.
Ribbentrop: Um, sir? About the United States?
Hitler: (waves his hand) Minor issues later Ribbi. Right now we need to celebrate! Defeating a major power like Iraqi was something beyond even MY wildest dreams! We need a parade or something! With balloons and clowns.
Georing: But clowns scare me.
Hitler: Oh, so that’s why you don’t like French people...
Georing: No, actually it’s because they smell bad.
Basra April 1941
Three people can be seen standing in the middle of the desert as the sun beads down on them from above. They are dressed in shorts with their shirts tied around their heads; meager protection from the heat. They all grasp shovels in their hands and slowly they dig into the sand searching for something.
Rommel: So someone tell me again why we’ve been digging in sand dunes for the last month?
Von Mastein: To look for those weapons of mass destruction.
Rommel: And has anyone ever seen these so called weapons?
Von Kluge: I have! Well, sorta…
Rommel: What do you mean sorta?
Von Kluge: Well, my cousin’s uncle’s sister’s nephew’s brother’s roommate said that he once saw an Iraqi WMD.
Rommel: Right….
Von Mastein: Hey, it’s a given fact that they have the weapons. Everyone knows about it. In fact I heard that these Iraqis have these bombs so powerful that can actually split atoms!
Von kluge: I heard that they have death rays that shoot beams of light that can disintegrate anything!
Von Mastein: Oh, yea? Well I heard that they can teleport anywhere with a thing’a ma’ bob called a Chronosphere!
Rommel: (looks at them incredulously) Do you guys actually expect me to believe all these stories just on word of mouth with no substantial evidence what so ever??? What do you take me for, an American?
Somewhere in Saudi Arabia April 1941
A trail of footprints are left in the sand leading away from an abandoned Panzer sitting in the desert. The once roaring twin engins lay scilent as the fule gage on the steel monster reads at empty. Guderian marches away carrying an empty gas can in each arm.
Guderian: God hates me…
The door to the study bursts open and a winded Ribbentrop comes staggering inside. Hitler and Georing look up from their current Axis and Allies simulation fearing the worse.
Ribbentrop: I have terrible news sir! (struggles to catch his breath)
Hitler: (Looks up from his desk growing pale) No… Has the Iraqi army defeated my field marshals? I sent 30 divisions of armor 6 divisions of mechanized infantry and 12 divisions of fodder at them! Weren’t they enough?
Ribbentrop: No mein Fuhrer, you miss under—
Hitler: (clutches at his hair in lamentation) All lost? Oh the horror! Look at what my warmongering ways have cost me! I should have just been content with being a bad watercolor artist instead of a power hungry dictator! Oh fate, why do you mock me so!!!
Georing: Damn those Iraqis and their WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!! Why can’t they fight fair using weapons of minimal destruction like everyone else!
Hitler: I guess this is it then, it over… Goodbye cruel world! (he reaches into his desk drawer and pulles out a bottle of cyanide pills. The label reads, “In case of defeat or Celine Dion concert”)
Ribbentrop: No mein Fuhrer! You miss understand. It’s about the United States sir, they have declared war on us!
Hitler: (impatiently, holding the bottle) Yes, yes. But what about the Iraqis, man?!?
Ribbentrop: Um, Rommel has annexed the nation of Iraq and Guderian ended up in Kuwait when the brakes in his Panzer gave out. Right now we are searching for the Iraqi weapons of mass destruction.
Georing: Iraqi has been defeated??? Thank you O merciful god! (falls to his knees)
Hitler: The nightmare is over! I began to think that it would never end! (throws the bottle over his shoulder) Won’t be needing those quite yet!
Hitler and Georing jump up and start dancing a jig.
Ribbentrop: Um, sir? About the United States?
Hitler: (waves his hand) Minor issues later Ribbi. Right now we need to celebrate! Defeating a major power like Iraqi was something beyond even MY wildest dreams! We need a parade or something! With balloons and clowns.
Georing: But clowns scare me.
Hitler: Oh, so that’s why you don’t like French people...
Georing: No, actually it’s because they smell bad.
Basra April 1941
Three people can be seen standing in the middle of the desert as the sun beads down on them from above. They are dressed in shorts with their shirts tied around their heads; meager protection from the heat. They all grasp shovels in their hands and slowly they dig into the sand searching for something.
Rommel: So someone tell me again why we’ve been digging in sand dunes for the last month?
Von Mastein: To look for those weapons of mass destruction.
Rommel: And has anyone ever seen these so called weapons?
Von Kluge: I have! Well, sorta…
Rommel: What do you mean sorta?
Von Kluge: Well, my cousin’s uncle’s sister’s nephew’s brother’s roommate said that he once saw an Iraqi WMD.
Rommel: Right….
Von Mastein: Hey, it’s a given fact that they have the weapons. Everyone knows about it. In fact I heard that these Iraqis have these bombs so powerful that can actually split atoms!
Von kluge: I heard that they have death rays that shoot beams of light that can disintegrate anything!
Von Mastein: Oh, yea? Well I heard that they can teleport anywhere with a thing’a ma’ bob called a Chronosphere!
Rommel: (looks at them incredulously) Do you guys actually expect me to believe all these stories just on word of mouth with no substantial evidence what so ever??? What do you take me for, an American?
Somewhere in Saudi Arabia April 1941
A trail of footprints are left in the sand leading away from an abandoned Panzer sitting in the desert. The once roaring twin engins lay scilent as the fule gage on the steel monster reads at empty. Guderian marches away carrying an empty gas can in each arm.
Guderian: God hates me…
Thanks for reading everyone! All your comments have been a blast! But the best praise of all is your continued reading.
So thanks again, and hopefully you'll get a few more laughs!
So thanks again, and hopefully you'll get a few more laughs!
Berlin May 1941
It’s noon in the Reichstag and Hitler, Georing and Ribbentop are having lunch consisting of Salisbury steak, mashed potatoes and beer. Finishing off the last portion of his meal, the mustached leader of the Third Reich sips his mug contently.
Hitler: Ah… another day, another nation to conquer. (Claps his and rubs them eagerly together.) All right Ribbi tell me what’s been happening in the world.
Ribbentrop: Well mein Furhrer, even with the annexation of Iraq, Britain and her common wealth continue, to harass us with probing attacks of one division armies upchucked onto the French northern beaches. Their attacks have had little affect.
Hitler: Ha! Britian, and her silly club fight like a bunch of girls. The only nation in the common wealth I have any respect for are those rough neck Aussies. A damn tough group there! But I guess it’s natural since they started out as a prison colony. Yep, nothing toughens a man up more than avoiding gang rape in the washroom. Why I remember my days in prison…
Ribbentrop: Uh…
Hitler: But I guess that’s a story for another time. How about the Americans? What have they been up to since they declared war on us?
Ribbentrop: Well sir, the Americans have massed a force of 148 divisions, with almost half of that being light armor.
Hitler: Good Lord!!! (spits out his beer) What the hell are they doing with such an army? You could poke someone’s eye out with something like that.
Ribbentrop: (wipes his face) Well sir the entire American army has congregated to Washington D.C. where they are currently making luv-bead necklaces and singing Kum-ba-ya around the camp fires. It seems a wave of pacifism has hit the American armed forces as not a single division has elected to board waiting transports to take the fight us.
Georing: That’s weird. I wonder why they aren’t invading us.
Hitler: It’s cause we don’t have any massive deposits of oil that can be exploited.
Georing: Well they might not be sending armies at us but they sure as hell are sending their air force. Ever since the American’s joined the war, bomber attacks over Europe have drastically increased. Essen has already reported 2 inches of wreckage fall at the beginning of this year alone. It’s bad enough that the British are trying to bury us under fallen airplane debris, but the Americans are taking it to a whole new level. I need to requisition 4 more fighter squadrons to intercept the increased traffic and I recommend that we line the whole northern coasts of France and Germany with more AA guns.
Hitler: Make it so then. I find it depressing when it begins to rain dead airmen in Berlin. Ribbi, how are our boys doing, down there in Iraq? Have they found those weapons of mass destruction yet?
Ribbentrop: Unfortunately no mein Fuhrer. Every time they dig into the desert they hit oil. They haven’t been very successful.
Hitler: Oh well, Call back Rommel, Mastein, Guderian and Kluge then. I’ll need them here in Berlin soon enough.
Ribbentrop: Sir, we’ve lost contact with Guderian.
Hitler: What? What’s happened to him.
Ribbentrop: He was last spotted heading off to Jerusalem. We believe that he might be making a mad dash for the Suez. He was ordered to hold up and wait for the infantry to catch up to his panzers but apparently the brakes on his tank haven’t been fixed yet.
Hitler: Well, at least he’s making the best of it. Keep me informed of his situation Ribbi. If he captures the Suez then the whole Mediterranean is ours. I ought to promote him for something like that.
Ribbentrop: He already a field marshal sir. I don’t think rank goes any higher than that.
Hitler: Well make something up then, just something ceremonial that doesn’t really have any authority. You know, like the king of England or Prime minister of Canada or Grand Admiral of the German Navy.
Ribbentrop: It shall be done mein Fuhrer!
It’s noon in the Reichstag and Hitler, Georing and Ribbentop are having lunch consisting of Salisbury steak, mashed potatoes and beer. Finishing off the last portion of his meal, the mustached leader of the Third Reich sips his mug contently.
Hitler: Ah… another day, another nation to conquer. (Claps his and rubs them eagerly together.) All right Ribbi tell me what’s been happening in the world.
Ribbentrop: Well mein Furhrer, even with the annexation of Iraq, Britain and her common wealth continue, to harass us with probing attacks of one division armies upchucked onto the French northern beaches. Their attacks have had little affect.
Hitler: Ha! Britian, and her silly club fight like a bunch of girls. The only nation in the common wealth I have any respect for are those rough neck Aussies. A damn tough group there! But I guess it’s natural since they started out as a prison colony. Yep, nothing toughens a man up more than avoiding gang rape in the washroom. Why I remember my days in prison…
Ribbentrop: Uh…
Hitler: But I guess that’s a story for another time. How about the Americans? What have they been up to since they declared war on us?
Ribbentrop: Well sir, the Americans have massed a force of 148 divisions, with almost half of that being light armor.
Hitler: Good Lord!!! (spits out his beer) What the hell are they doing with such an army? You could poke someone’s eye out with something like that.
Ribbentrop: (wipes his face) Well sir the entire American army has congregated to Washington D.C. where they are currently making luv-bead necklaces and singing Kum-ba-ya around the camp fires. It seems a wave of pacifism has hit the American armed forces as not a single division has elected to board waiting transports to take the fight us.
Georing: That’s weird. I wonder why they aren’t invading us.
Hitler: It’s cause we don’t have any massive deposits of oil that can be exploited.
Georing: Well they might not be sending armies at us but they sure as hell are sending their air force. Ever since the American’s joined the war, bomber attacks over Europe have drastically increased. Essen has already reported 2 inches of wreckage fall at the beginning of this year alone. It’s bad enough that the British are trying to bury us under fallen airplane debris, but the Americans are taking it to a whole new level. I need to requisition 4 more fighter squadrons to intercept the increased traffic and I recommend that we line the whole northern coasts of France and Germany with more AA guns.
Hitler: Make it so then. I find it depressing when it begins to rain dead airmen in Berlin. Ribbi, how are our boys doing, down there in Iraq? Have they found those weapons of mass destruction yet?
Ribbentrop: Unfortunately no mein Fuhrer. Every time they dig into the desert they hit oil. They haven’t been very successful.
Hitler: Oh well, Call back Rommel, Mastein, Guderian and Kluge then. I’ll need them here in Berlin soon enough.
Ribbentrop: Sir, we’ve lost contact with Guderian.
Hitler: What? What’s happened to him.
Ribbentrop: He was last spotted heading off to Jerusalem. We believe that he might be making a mad dash for the Suez. He was ordered to hold up and wait for the infantry to catch up to his panzers but apparently the brakes on his tank haven’t been fixed yet.
Hitler: Well, at least he’s making the best of it. Keep me informed of his situation Ribbi. If he captures the Suez then the whole Mediterranean is ours. I ought to promote him for something like that.
Ribbentrop: He already a field marshal sir. I don’t think rank goes any higher than that.
Hitler: Well make something up then, just something ceremonial that doesn’t really have any authority. You know, like the king of England or Prime minister of Canada or Grand Admiral of the German Navy.
Ribbentrop: It shall be done mein Fuhrer!
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Muhahahahhahaaaaaa, this is the funniest AAR ever
Thanks for choking me with laughter
Thanks for choking me with laughter
"taht's because we don't got massive oil deposites" rofl! this is to good to be true!
this is to good to be true!
Suez Late May 1941
The roar of airplane engines fills the skys as British bombers fly overhead dropping their deadly payload upon the German column of tanks making their way through the dusty gravel roads as best they can. Multi barreled anti aircraft fire blasts out, and finally the bombers disappear into the blue yonder.
Guderian: (sticks his head out of his Panzer as it continues it’s drive forward) Damn those blasted bombers, they’ve been harassing us ever since we rolled out of Jerusalem! (raises his fist in the air) I hope a seagull flies up your tail pipe!!!
Tank radioman: Heir general, the other divisions are reporting in light casualties sustained by all divisions. The officers are requesting that we pause to reinforce and reorganize.
Guderian: Negative! Not till we secure the Suez. We push onward!
Tank radioman: Yes, sir!
As the radioman begins to relay the order, he halts as a communiqué urgently cuts in.
Tank radioman: Sir! Urgent news! The British have recaptured Jerusalem!
Guderian: What?!? (then through his binoculars, he sees approaching dust clouds from the west) Not good…
Berlin Late May the War Room 1941
Hitler: How the hell did Guderian get cut off from supply??? The British AI is a frigging idiot!!!
Ribbentrop: Mein Fuhrer, it seems that the British have a secret weapon call the Ghost division!
Hitler: Ghost division??? What the hell is that???
Ribbentrop: Well sir, it seems that the British walked an infantry division through the Saudi Arabia Desert and cut Guderian off from supply. When his supplies were cut he was just about to engage the British garrison at the Suez!
Hitler: (biting his nails What’s he facing?
Ribbentrop: About 4 infantry divisions, 1 motorized, and 2 armor. A mixture of forces from the British Commonwealth.
Hitler: What’s our boy got with him?
Ribbentrop: Three divisions of armor, sir.
Hitler: Well that shouldn’t be too bad. He should be able to beat the snot out of them.
Ribbentrop: True sir, but unfortunately, he’s had constant harassment from the British air force, and he hasn’t stopped his drive ever since the beginning of the Iraqi champagne.
Hitler: What’s the current strength of his three tank divisions then?
Ribbentrop: 140 military strength and 36 organization. He has no way to reinforce now, with supply lines cut, and those tanks will be running on fumes soon. Lastly, the British air force continues it’s harassment and there is a threat of off shore bombardment from the Royal navy.
Hitler: How about Rommel of Mastein? Can they send their divisions to aid?
Ribbentrop: Unfortunately, they were already on their way to Berlin, they are severely out of position.
Hitler: Damn it!!! Fine! It’s a lost cause, recall Guderian back to Berlin and put him in command of another Panzer division.
Ribbentrop: (nervously swallows) Um… we can’t mein Fuhrer.
Hitler: What do you mean you can’t?
Ribbentrop: AAR house rules sir. Commanders can’t be re-assigned until their commanded units are at full organization.
Hitler: But those divisions are screwed! What happens when they are annihilated?
Ribbentrop: AAR house rules state that if an army is captured or destroyed, then the commanding officer, is considered a casualty of war.
Hitler: But we’re evil! We’re suppose to exploit things like this!
Ribbentrop: Sorry sir, but rules are rules.
Hitler: THESE RULES SUCK!!!!
Suez Late May 1941
Guderian, sits atop his cupola surveying the forces approaching across the dunes. He lights a cigarette taking a slow puff.
Guderian: (sighs) Maybe I should have waited for the infantry…
A squawk is heard on the radio and the operator turns to him.
Tank radioman: Sir, it’s for you, from the enemy commander. (hands him the headphones)
Guderian: This is Field Marshal, Heinz Guderian, who is speaking.
Montgomery: This is General Bernard Montgomery! You are hearby ordered to surrender of face the might of the British Commonwealth! Reply immediately or be destroyed.
Guderian: …
Montgomery: Well, have you anything to say?
Guderian: Yeah… You’re in my way.
The German panzers race forward, guns echoing into the air.
The roar of airplane engines fills the skys as British bombers fly overhead dropping their deadly payload upon the German column of tanks making their way through the dusty gravel roads as best they can. Multi barreled anti aircraft fire blasts out, and finally the bombers disappear into the blue yonder.
Guderian: (sticks his head out of his Panzer as it continues it’s drive forward) Damn those blasted bombers, they’ve been harassing us ever since we rolled out of Jerusalem! (raises his fist in the air) I hope a seagull flies up your tail pipe!!!
Tank radioman: Heir general, the other divisions are reporting in light casualties sustained by all divisions. The officers are requesting that we pause to reinforce and reorganize.
Guderian: Negative! Not till we secure the Suez. We push onward!
Tank radioman: Yes, sir!
As the radioman begins to relay the order, he halts as a communiqué urgently cuts in.
Tank radioman: Sir! Urgent news! The British have recaptured Jerusalem!
Guderian: What?!? (then through his binoculars, he sees approaching dust clouds from the west) Not good…
Berlin Late May the War Room 1941
Hitler: How the hell did Guderian get cut off from supply??? The British AI is a frigging idiot!!!
Ribbentrop: Mein Fuhrer, it seems that the British have a secret weapon call the Ghost division!
Hitler: Ghost division??? What the hell is that???
Ribbentrop: Well sir, it seems that the British walked an infantry division through the Saudi Arabia Desert and cut Guderian off from supply. When his supplies were cut he was just about to engage the British garrison at the Suez!
Hitler: (biting his nails What’s he facing?
Ribbentrop: About 4 infantry divisions, 1 motorized, and 2 armor. A mixture of forces from the British Commonwealth.
Hitler: What’s our boy got with him?
Ribbentrop: Three divisions of armor, sir.
Hitler: Well that shouldn’t be too bad. He should be able to beat the snot out of them.
Ribbentrop: True sir, but unfortunately, he’s had constant harassment from the British air force, and he hasn’t stopped his drive ever since the beginning of the Iraqi champagne.
Hitler: What’s the current strength of his three tank divisions then?
Ribbentrop: 140 military strength and 36 organization. He has no way to reinforce now, with supply lines cut, and those tanks will be running on fumes soon. Lastly, the British air force continues it’s harassment and there is a threat of off shore bombardment from the Royal navy.
Hitler: How about Rommel of Mastein? Can they send their divisions to aid?
Ribbentrop: Unfortunately, they were already on their way to Berlin, they are severely out of position.
Hitler: Damn it!!! Fine! It’s a lost cause, recall Guderian back to Berlin and put him in command of another Panzer division.
Ribbentrop: (nervously swallows) Um… we can’t mein Fuhrer.
Hitler: What do you mean you can’t?
Ribbentrop: AAR house rules sir. Commanders can’t be re-assigned until their commanded units are at full organization.
Hitler: But those divisions are screwed! What happens when they are annihilated?
Ribbentrop: AAR house rules state that if an army is captured or destroyed, then the commanding officer, is considered a casualty of war.
Hitler: But we’re evil! We’re suppose to exploit things like this!
Ribbentrop: Sorry sir, but rules are rules.
Hitler: THESE RULES SUCK!!!!
Suez Late May 1941
Guderian, sits atop his cupola surveying the forces approaching across the dunes. He lights a cigarette taking a slow puff.
Guderian: (sighs) Maybe I should have waited for the infantry…
A squawk is heard on the radio and the operator turns to him.
Tank radioman: Sir, it’s for you, from the enemy commander. (hands him the headphones)
Guderian: This is Field Marshal, Heinz Guderian, who is speaking.
Montgomery: This is General Bernard Montgomery! You are hearby ordered to surrender of face the might of the British Commonwealth! Reply immediately or be destroyed.
Guderian: …
Montgomery: Well, have you anything to say?
Guderian: Yeah… You’re in my way.
The German panzers race forward, guns echoing into the air.
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