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Berlin January 1940
Field Marshal Rommel marches his way through the grand hall of the Reichstag. Soldiers salute him as he passes and he acknowledges them with a nod. Coming to the receptionist he sees a young blond sitting at her desk filing her nails.
Eva Braun: Oh, Heir Rommel. Pookums is waiting for you in his office.
Rommel: (blinks) Pookums?
Eva Braun: Oh, I mean the Fuhrer. (meekly blushes)
Rommel: Right… (with a slight shrug he walks through the doors to find the officer staff there already seated for the meeting.
Hitler: Rommel. You’re back!
Rommel: (clicks his boots together and sharply salutes.) Heil Pookums-- I mean Hitler!
Hitler: Ungh… (buries his face in his hands)
Ribbentrop: Really no use hiding it mein Fuhrer. Everyone pretty much knows about it by now.
Hitler: Women… (mutters) Any way. Welcome back, Rommel. Have a seat. What news have you got for me?
Rommel: Mein Fuhrer, Poland is now part of the Third Riche!
Hitler: Excellent work Rommel!
von Manstein: (grinning, turns to Guderian and whispers) Pay up.
Guderian: (frowns and digs into his pocket pulling out a wad of Deutsche marks) Here! I hope you choke on it!
Rommel: (shoots Guderian a dirty look) Not bad for a rookie eh?
Guderian: What, so you annexed Poland is that suppose to impress me?
Rommel: You want a piece of me?
Guderian: Any time, any place rookie!
Hitler: Cool it, the both of you! Don’t make me call the Gestapo.
The two Field Marshals quickly back down and take their seats at the table.
Rommel: (whispering) he wouldn’t really call the Gestapo on us would he?
Guderian: (whispering) I wouldn’t put it past him, he’s a bit of a wacko ya know.
Georing: (whispering) Why do they call it the secret police if everybody knows about them?
Hitler: Ahem! Ok now let’s get down to business. von Kluge why don’t you start us off. What have the French been up to since the war began?
von Kluge: Well, mostly just garrisoning their forts in Colmar. There are like 60 divisions of troops there along their Maginot line.
Hitler: Cripes! Have they launched any offensive at all?
von Kluge: (shakes his head) No they seem pretty content to shout insults at us and fart in our general direction.
Rommel: Hey! Doesn’t that count as biological warfare?
Ribbentrop: Not to the French. They have the silly notion that their shit don’t stink.
Hitler: Damn French arrogance! Just because they’re sitting behind 30 foot thick, steel reinforced, concrete hardened bunkers, with anti air guns out the wazoo, and Howitzers the size of farm houses, they think they are all that! It makes my blood boil! Grrrr! And double Grrrrr! Well, I have a surprise for them! All right, who else? Georing? What have the British been up to?
Georing: Mein Fuhrer, those crafty British devils have been launching aerial strategic bombing attacks against us from their stinky Island. Our fighters and anti-aircraft guns keep shooting down their bombers but more keep coming. My guess is that their devious plan is to bury the whole of Germany under a layer of aircraft wreckage!
Hitler: Blast, what a malicious plot! It seems that we have under estimated the resolve of those Limies! To sacrifice their men and planes in such a callous manner is incredibly… incredibly… what’s the word I’m looking for?
Guderian: Moronic?
Hitler: Exactly! Moronic! Ok, Grand Admiral Raeder, you’re up. What have you to report?
Raeder: Um… well. The proud German fleet has eradicated all trace of British navy… in the port of Hamburg… where we’re still docked… since the war began. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be over in the corner to sulk for a while.
Hitler: (sighs) You can only please some of the people some of the time the rest you just have to call the Gestapo for. Well, what else is new Ribbi?
Ribbentrop: Our research has revealed to us the secrets of Mechanized divisions.
Hitler: Ohhhhh… Tell me more!
Ribbentrop: Well, Mech divisions are unique in that they defend as Infantry but attack like Armor. So in essence, they go both ways!
Hitler: Whoa, whoa, hold it right there. In this army we have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, it is none of our business to inquire or know about the tactical orientation of our divisions. Now, what else do you have?
Ribbentrop: We’ve finished research in synthetic oil and rubber plants. Our next project is trying to transfigure lead into gold.
Hitler: Ok, how about production? Where do we stand on units?
von Manstein: We now have a total of 22 Advanced armored divisions with Engineering brigades attached. But only 6 of those have fuzzy dice hanging on the dash. I’ve also added another 20 to the build queue.
von Kluge: Our nine mountain divisions are also finished and are aching to kick some Allied butt with their jack boots. I’ve added another 12 divisions of fodder-- I mean regular infantry to the build queue also. We’re assembling the men as fast as we can but we seem to have a shortage of left arms. We’ve sent an order to Taiwan for more.
Ribbentrop: Oh, one more thing, the Netherlands has declared war on us.
Hitler: The Netherlands? But we haven’t hade fun of the Dutch throughout this entire AAR. Why declare war on us?
Ribbentrop: I guess they though it was cool since everyone else was doing it. (shrugs)
Hitler: What is everyone’s problem against us? Why can’t they just leave us alone and let us conquer the world in peace?!?! All right, everyone listen up cause this is what your are all going to do.
Hitler: Ribbi, go to Luxembourg ask them nicely for military access. If they say no then have Guderian nicely annex them.
Hitler: Manstein, Kluge, take three armored divisions and those hearty mountain men and show the Netherlands why you should never give in to pier pressure.
Hitler: Rommel, bring most our forces in Poland to the western front. Leave a covering force of infantry to guard the Russian boarder. Tell them to be really, really, nice to the Russians while they are there.
Hitler: Guderian, once you reach Luxembourg with your armor, drive straight for Metz. Georing, back up those armored divisions with your tac bombers. Bust up those Frenchy forts but good I want them gone like their farts in the wind! Guderian, hold Metz till Rommel comes with his reinforcements and von Manstein, and Kluge finish mopping up what’s left of the Netherlands.
Hitler: Everyone got that?
Everyone: Yes! Heil Pookums!!! (High fives go all around)
Field Marshal Rommel marches his way through the grand hall of the Reichstag. Soldiers salute him as he passes and he acknowledges them with a nod. Coming to the receptionist he sees a young blond sitting at her desk filing her nails.
Eva Braun: Oh, Heir Rommel. Pookums is waiting for you in his office.
Rommel: (blinks) Pookums?
Eva Braun: Oh, I mean the Fuhrer. (meekly blushes)
Rommel: Right… (with a slight shrug he walks through the doors to find the officer staff there already seated for the meeting.
Hitler: Rommel. You’re back!
Rommel: (clicks his boots together and sharply salutes.) Heil Pookums-- I mean Hitler!
Hitler: Ungh… (buries his face in his hands)
Ribbentrop: Really no use hiding it mein Fuhrer. Everyone pretty much knows about it by now.
Hitler: Women… (mutters) Any way. Welcome back, Rommel. Have a seat. What news have you got for me?
Rommel: Mein Fuhrer, Poland is now part of the Third Riche!
Hitler: Excellent work Rommel!
von Manstein: (grinning, turns to Guderian and whispers) Pay up.
Guderian: (frowns and digs into his pocket pulling out a wad of Deutsche marks) Here! I hope you choke on it!
Rommel: (shoots Guderian a dirty look) Not bad for a rookie eh?
Guderian: What, so you annexed Poland is that suppose to impress me?
Rommel: You want a piece of me?
Guderian: Any time, any place rookie!
Hitler: Cool it, the both of you! Don’t make me call the Gestapo.
The two Field Marshals quickly back down and take their seats at the table.
Rommel: (whispering) he wouldn’t really call the Gestapo on us would he?
Guderian: (whispering) I wouldn’t put it past him, he’s a bit of a wacko ya know.
Georing: (whispering) Why do they call it the secret police if everybody knows about them?
Hitler: Ahem! Ok now let’s get down to business. von Kluge why don’t you start us off. What have the French been up to since the war began?
von Kluge: Well, mostly just garrisoning their forts in Colmar. There are like 60 divisions of troops there along their Maginot line.
Hitler: Cripes! Have they launched any offensive at all?
von Kluge: (shakes his head) No they seem pretty content to shout insults at us and fart in our general direction.
Rommel: Hey! Doesn’t that count as biological warfare?
Ribbentrop: Not to the French. They have the silly notion that their shit don’t stink.
Hitler: Damn French arrogance! Just because they’re sitting behind 30 foot thick, steel reinforced, concrete hardened bunkers, with anti air guns out the wazoo, and Howitzers the size of farm houses, they think they are all that! It makes my blood boil! Grrrr! And double Grrrrr! Well, I have a surprise for them! All right, who else? Georing? What have the British been up to?
Georing: Mein Fuhrer, those crafty British devils have been launching aerial strategic bombing attacks against us from their stinky Island. Our fighters and anti-aircraft guns keep shooting down their bombers but more keep coming. My guess is that their devious plan is to bury the whole of Germany under a layer of aircraft wreckage!
Hitler: Blast, what a malicious plot! It seems that we have under estimated the resolve of those Limies! To sacrifice their men and planes in such a callous manner is incredibly… incredibly… what’s the word I’m looking for?
Guderian: Moronic?
Hitler: Exactly! Moronic! Ok, Grand Admiral Raeder, you’re up. What have you to report?
Raeder: Um… well. The proud German fleet has eradicated all trace of British navy… in the port of Hamburg… where we’re still docked… since the war began. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be over in the corner to sulk for a while.
Hitler: (sighs) You can only please some of the people some of the time the rest you just have to call the Gestapo for. Well, what else is new Ribbi?
Ribbentrop: Our research has revealed to us the secrets of Mechanized divisions.
Hitler: Ohhhhh… Tell me more!
Ribbentrop: Well, Mech divisions are unique in that they defend as Infantry but attack like Armor. So in essence, they go both ways!
Hitler: Whoa, whoa, hold it right there. In this army we have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, it is none of our business to inquire or know about the tactical orientation of our divisions. Now, what else do you have?
Ribbentrop: We’ve finished research in synthetic oil and rubber plants. Our next project is trying to transfigure lead into gold.
Hitler: Ok, how about production? Where do we stand on units?
von Manstein: We now have a total of 22 Advanced armored divisions with Engineering brigades attached. But only 6 of those have fuzzy dice hanging on the dash. I’ve also added another 20 to the build queue.
von Kluge: Our nine mountain divisions are also finished and are aching to kick some Allied butt with their jack boots. I’ve added another 12 divisions of fodder-- I mean regular infantry to the build queue also. We’re assembling the men as fast as we can but we seem to have a shortage of left arms. We’ve sent an order to Taiwan for more.
Ribbentrop: Oh, one more thing, the Netherlands has declared war on us.
Hitler: The Netherlands? But we haven’t hade fun of the Dutch throughout this entire AAR. Why declare war on us?
Ribbentrop: I guess they though it was cool since everyone else was doing it. (shrugs)
Hitler: What is everyone’s problem against us? Why can’t they just leave us alone and let us conquer the world in peace?!?! All right, everyone listen up cause this is what your are all going to do.
Hitler: Ribbi, go to Luxembourg ask them nicely for military access. If they say no then have Guderian nicely annex them.
Hitler: Manstein, Kluge, take three armored divisions and those hearty mountain men and show the Netherlands why you should never give in to pier pressure.
Hitler: Rommel, bring most our forces in Poland to the western front. Leave a covering force of infantry to guard the Russian boarder. Tell them to be really, really, nice to the Russians while they are there.
Hitler: Guderian, once you reach Luxembourg with your armor, drive straight for Metz. Georing, back up those armored divisions with your tac bombers. Bust up those Frenchy forts but good I want them gone like their farts in the wind! Guderian, hold Metz till Rommel comes with his reinforcements and von Manstein, and Kluge finish mopping up what’s left of the Netherlands.
Hitler: Everyone got that?
Everyone: Yes! Heil Pookums!!! (High fives go all around)
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HAHA... Man I just wet myself laughing....
Why can’t they just leave us alone and let us conquer the world in peace?!?!
Gee I wonder why...
Why can’t they just leave us alone and let us conquer the world in peace?!?!
Gee I wonder why...
I don't think I can take anymore. Too too funny.
And don't annex Luxemburg, leave them and their basket weaving ways to themselves.
Great job!
Berlin April 1940
It’s morning and Hitler sits at the table in his study with Georing as the two play out the end game on the RISK battle simulator.
Goering: Oh, It’s my turn now! Ok, let me see… I’m trading in my risk cards for reinforcements. Hm… (counts out the little army pegs one bye one)
Hitler: So how many do you have there, Heini?
Goering: 1028 armies! I’ll put them all in Iceland! (dumps the handful of pieces onto the board, covering Iceland, half of Greenland and a majority of Western Europe.) Ok, I’m attacking you in Scandinavia how many armies do you have there? (Eyeing the other pile of pieces on the board)
Hitler: 572. Give or take 20. (he takes his dice and shakes them in his hand) This could take a while… (sighs) It’s so quiet with all my field marshals gone. I guess I’ve grown accustomed to the pitter patter of their little feet. The Reichstag feels so empty with out them.
Goering: We both knew this day would come, mein Fuhrer. You just have to let them go.
Hitler: (sighs again) I know, Hemi, I know… I wonder what they’ve been up to these last few months?
France, Dijon April 1940
Guderian: Where in the love of God are von Manstein and Kluge?!? (angrily paces back and forth outside in front of the panzer. He blows into his hands, rubbing them to keep warm)
Rommel: (sticks his head out of the tank’s copula) They’re over due by a month, think something’s happened to them?
Guderian: I’m not sure. The last communication I got from them was something about ‘weeding’ out the Dutch resistance. It was pretty garbled though so I’m not all that sure what’s going on over there.
Rommel: Well, even without them, we were able to break out of the Metz with the forces that we do have and managed to take Nancy, and Dijon. Pretty bloody fighting, that was.
Guderian: Yeah, the mechanics are still busy pulling pieces of Frenchmen out from my Panzer’s transmission.
Rommel: Well, at least we’ve managed to encircle those French troops stationed in the Maginot line in Colmar and Strasbourg. They won’t be getting any supplies from Paris any time soon.
Guderian: Yup, we’ve been intercepting their shipments of croissants and mineral water each day now. We’ll starve the bastards out. Though it might take a while. Maybe another month or too.
Rommel: Well, nothing much to do till the French starve and von Manstein and Kluge show up. Want to get a beer?
Guderian: You buying?
Rommel: Sure, why not?
Guderian: (climbs up onto the tank as it begins to roll off) You know I hear Paris in the summer time is quite lovely…
Netherlands, Amsterdam April 1940
It’s a slightly damp morning under German occupied Amsterdam. Quaint cobble stone streets line the way. Though it’s still early in the morning one little shop was open for business, the “Smoke’em if you Got’em” cannabis bar. Inside, two slightly disheveled German field marshals are lying down on futons and beanbag chairs enjoying the atmosphere and adding to it with their bong.
von Manstein: Man it’s good to be alive! Smell that air! It’s freedom baby!!!
von Kluge: (blinks confusedly with his bleary red eyes) Really? Freedom sure smells a lot like marijuana. Hey… where the heck are we any way?
von Manstein: (shrugs) Uh… Europe? I think…
von Kluge: That’s cool, I can dig it! You know, I have this nagging feeling that we’re suppose to be somewhere doing something. Now what was it? (frowns trying to think)
von Manstein: Dude! Check out my hands! They’re like so big! And they can like touch everything… except themselves. (Touches his hands together) Oh… Far out!
von Kluge: Hey, are you hungry? I’m starving! Is there anything to eat around here?
von Manstein: I think I saw some deer while we were invading. Oh, man… deer steaks! I can definitely go for that! (drool)
von Kluge: Most excellent! Wait up let me get my Stein! Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat!!! (laughs madly)
von Manstein: Hey man, what’s wrong with you? Using a semi-automatic assault rifle to hunt down Bambi?
von Kluge: Oh… yeah, what was I thinking? (abashed)
von Manstein: We have Panzers for that! Com’on! Let’s go! (the two men stagger out of the bar into the empty streets. They look up and down the street confusedly.)
von Manstein: Dude, where’s my tank?
It’s morning and Hitler sits at the table in his study with Georing as the two play out the end game on the RISK battle simulator.
Goering: Oh, It’s my turn now! Ok, let me see… I’m trading in my risk cards for reinforcements. Hm… (counts out the little army pegs one bye one)
Hitler: So how many do you have there, Heini?
Goering: 1028 armies! I’ll put them all in Iceland! (dumps the handful of pieces onto the board, covering Iceland, half of Greenland and a majority of Western Europe.) Ok, I’m attacking you in Scandinavia how many armies do you have there? (Eyeing the other pile of pieces on the board)
Hitler: 572. Give or take 20. (he takes his dice and shakes them in his hand) This could take a while… (sighs) It’s so quiet with all my field marshals gone. I guess I’ve grown accustomed to the pitter patter of their little feet. The Reichstag feels so empty with out them.
Goering: We both knew this day would come, mein Fuhrer. You just have to let them go.
Hitler: (sighs again) I know, Hemi, I know… I wonder what they’ve been up to these last few months?
France, Dijon April 1940
Guderian: Where in the love of God are von Manstein and Kluge?!? (angrily paces back and forth outside in front of the panzer. He blows into his hands, rubbing them to keep warm)
Rommel: (sticks his head out of the tank’s copula) They’re over due by a month, think something’s happened to them?
Guderian: I’m not sure. The last communication I got from them was something about ‘weeding’ out the Dutch resistance. It was pretty garbled though so I’m not all that sure what’s going on over there.
Rommel: Well, even without them, we were able to break out of the Metz with the forces that we do have and managed to take Nancy, and Dijon. Pretty bloody fighting, that was.
Guderian: Yeah, the mechanics are still busy pulling pieces of Frenchmen out from my Panzer’s transmission.
Rommel: Well, at least we’ve managed to encircle those French troops stationed in the Maginot line in Colmar and Strasbourg. They won’t be getting any supplies from Paris any time soon.
Guderian: Yup, we’ve been intercepting their shipments of croissants and mineral water each day now. We’ll starve the bastards out. Though it might take a while. Maybe another month or too.
Rommel: Well, nothing much to do till the French starve and von Manstein and Kluge show up. Want to get a beer?
Guderian: You buying?
Rommel: Sure, why not?
Guderian: (climbs up onto the tank as it begins to roll off) You know I hear Paris in the summer time is quite lovely…
Netherlands, Amsterdam April 1940
It’s a slightly damp morning under German occupied Amsterdam. Quaint cobble stone streets line the way. Though it’s still early in the morning one little shop was open for business, the “Smoke’em if you Got’em” cannabis bar. Inside, two slightly disheveled German field marshals are lying down on futons and beanbag chairs enjoying the atmosphere and adding to it with their bong.
von Manstein: Man it’s good to be alive! Smell that air! It’s freedom baby!!!
von Kluge: (blinks confusedly with his bleary red eyes) Really? Freedom sure smells a lot like marijuana. Hey… where the heck are we any way?
von Manstein: (shrugs) Uh… Europe? I think…
von Kluge: That’s cool, I can dig it! You know, I have this nagging feeling that we’re suppose to be somewhere doing something. Now what was it? (frowns trying to think)
von Manstein: Dude! Check out my hands! They’re like so big! And they can like touch everything… except themselves. (Touches his hands together) Oh… Far out!
von Kluge: Hey, are you hungry? I’m starving! Is there anything to eat around here?
von Manstein: I think I saw some deer while we were invading. Oh, man… deer steaks! I can definitely go for that! (drool)
von Kluge: Most excellent! Wait up let me get my Stein! Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat!!! (laughs madly)
von Manstein: Hey man, what’s wrong with you? Using a semi-automatic assault rifle to hunt down Bambi?
von Kluge: Oh… yeah, what was I thinking? (abashed)
von Manstein: We have Panzers for that! Com’on! Let’s go! (the two men stagger out of the bar into the empty streets. They look up and down the street confusedly.)
von Manstein: Dude, where’s my tank?
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Hey, everyboddy!
Thanks for reading and i hope your are enjoying the AAR as much as i'm enjoying writing it.
My full appologies to all you RISK players out there. If anyone out there has ever actually managed to hold just Africa with out any other continents giving you support, then you got my full respect.
Well I'm off to play some more RISK... i mean HOI!
Thanks for reading and i hope your are enjoying the AAR as much as i'm enjoying writing it.
My full appologies to all you RISK players out there. If anyone out there has ever actually managed to hold just Africa with out any other continents giving you support, then you got my full respect.
Well I'm off to play some more RISK... i mean HOI!
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OMG!
This is hilarious! Imagine, stoned Field Marshals! Trust me, we are enjoying this just as much as you enjoy writing it!
No worries. I think it's hilarious imagining the German high command playing RISK. I can relate to them, I've had those nights of rolling the dice a million times because the armies were so big. I even programmed my graphing calculator (this was back in high school) to calculate entire battles in a second. No more spending hours rolling dice for those battles between 100 army armies, it was over with the push of a button. I was proud of that little accomplishment, then it got erased...
Can't wait to read more about Pookums and the apparently undisciplined Field Marshals.
France, Paris September 1940
It is mid afternoon in the city of lights. The conquered French population of the proud city line the sidewalks, as row upon row of Wehrmacht troops Goose step down the broad avenues of the city streets. Looking out from the balcony of his room, the leader of the third Riche happily watched the procession below.
Hitler: I just love a good parade, don’t you Hermi?
Goering: Yes, mein Fuhrer. It’s quite a spectacle. A perfect way to usher in the thousand years Riche into France.
Hitler: Well said, Hermi. But why do the soldiers have to march with the Goose step. It’s just so… so ridged.
Goering: Well, it was either the Goose step or the Chicken dance. I though the Goose step was more appropriate. If it makes you happy, we can do the Hokie Poky after the your gloating commemorative speech.
Hitler: Make it so then! Oohhh! Here comes the balloons! (claps his hands excitedly) I’ve always loved that dog Snoopy! (a procession of huge tethered balloons follows the marching soldiers.) And listen to those cheering crowds, they love me!
Cheering Crowds: (lamely) woohoo…
Hitler: Cheer damn you!!!
Cheering Crowds: Woohoo!!! Long live the Fuhrur!!! Hitler is great!!! Heil Pookums!!!
Hitler: Who said that!?!?
Cheering Crowds: (all shrug whistling innocently.)
Hitler: Bah! I don’t want to watch anymore! (Angrily stomps back into the room, followed by Goering.) (sighs) Why doesn’t anybody like me Hermi?
Goering: Well, we did sort of conquer their country. But don’t take it to hard sir. They’re French, they don’t count.
Hitler: (blinks) Oh, I forgot about that. Quite right Hermi. I feel better now.
The doors to the lavish room open and Ribbentrop comes walking in with a large wicker basked in one hand, a large briefcase in another.
Ribbentrop: Heil Hitler! (salutes)
Hitler: Glad to have you back from Luxemburg, Ribbi. Good job getting military access from them. It sure would have been rough fighting their big bad scary army. (chuckles) Hey, Ribbi what have you got there? (eyeing the basked filled to the brim with fruit and chocolates.)
Ribbentrop: This is a thank you basked from Luxemburg, to show their appreciation for not crushing them under your heel and annexing them. A really fine piece of work isn’t? (sets the basked down on a table and admires it.) Really great basked weavers those Luxemburgers.
Goering: Mmmm… burgers.
Hitler: Luxemburg, best rest-stop in Europe. I’ll have to pick up a tee-shirt on my way back to Berlin. So, Ribbi what new do you have for me.
Ribbentropp: Well, sir, your field marshals, Gudarien and Rommel have mauled the French army horribly. After cutting off the French divisions at the Maginot line and waiting a few months, the French garrisons surrendered after Rommel offered them a meal of bread, water and a can of SPAM.
Both Hitler and Ribbentropp quickly turn to Goering.
Goering: (looks confused) What? I don’t like SPAM.
Ribbentropp: Any way, after those French troops surrendered, Guderian and Rommel have been running roughshod over the rest of France.
Hitler: Ah… boys, will be boys.
Ribbentropp: The French have sent envoy’s to us mein Fuhrer. They graciously decided to stop letting us decimate their military forces up and in return will sign an alliance with us creating the New Vichy government of France.
Hitler: Hm… that has some promise to it. I’m feeling kind of benevolent today anyway. Besides the French aren’t really that bad I guess.
Goering: (scratches his head) Didn’t a French guy invent the Smurfs? You know those little blue midgets in the cute mushroom houses? Mmmm… Smurfs!
Hitler: Like I was saying, the French menace must be wiped off the face of the earth!!! Total conquest is preferable Ribbi!
Ribbentropp: I shall relay your orders to Guderian and Rommel at once mein Furhrer!
Hitler: Any thing else of interest to report Ribbi?
Ribbentropp: Actually, yes. The United States has declared its neutrality by sending England supplies and arms. They call it their Lend Lease Policy.
Hitler: Um… does that make any sense to you Ribbi?
Ribbentropp: American logic is baffling.
Hitler: I’m still trying to understand their concept of jumbo shrimp.
Ribbentropp: Oh and lastly, our scientists have made a breakthrough in our warfare simulation! (he quickly opens his brief case and unfolds a large game board on the table. On it is the map of the world and on the overhead title is written, “Axis and Allies” (trade mark of Hasbro Inc. has been hastily scribbled out).
Hitler: Oh… (looks at the board with wide eyes)
Ribbentropp: Only the major powers of the world are represented on the map, Germany, Russia, Britain, Japan and the US.
Goering: Um… where’s Italy and France?
Ribbentropp: Ahem… Only the major powers of the world are represented on the map…
Hitler: Ha! If Caesar could see what’s happened to the Roman Legions, he’d be rolling in his grave. (looks down at the game board and picks up the army pieces) This is amazing Ribbi! Look, it even has little plastic tanks and soldiers in it! Ribbi, those scientists have done an outstanding job. Give them an hour break before you start flogging them again.
Ribbentropp: Most kind, mein Fuhrer.
Hitler: Let’s get a simulation going Goering! Ribbi, clear my schedule.
Goering: Starts reading the rules. Hm… what’s an IC?
Hitler: Looks complicated, we better get started right away. Oh, before you go, Ribbi. Has there been any word from von Kluge and von Manstein?
Ribbentropp: No mein Fuhrer, they haven’t reported back yet.
Hitler: I hope nothing’s happened to them. Damn that Dutch resistance! Must be putting up quite a fight.
Netherlands, Amsterdam September 1940
A middle aged man in a heavily stained and wrinkled field marshal’s uniform wakes up to a new day in the happy land of occupied Amsterdam. He’s Lying face down in an ally and a stray poodle is licking his face with a sloppy wet tongue.
von Manstein: (mumbles) Not tonight mom, I have a head ache…
The poodle frowns and trots off. After a few more minutes Manstein blinks his eyes open and squints looking up and the morning sun.
von Manstein: Oh, man where am I. (He spots a crumpled lump sprawled out on the side of the street) Hey Kludge is that you?
von Kludge: Yeah, but I’m wishing I was someone else at the moment. (groans)
von Manstein: (shakes his head wearily.) What the hell have we been up to? I don’t remember a thing.
von Kludge: I don’t know either. The last thing I remember was some guy telling me to lick the back of a frog. Oh, the colors…
von Manstein: Come on Kludge! We need to report in or something. (he peals himself off the pavement)
von Kludge: Aaawww… but I like it here in the gutter.
It is mid afternoon in the city of lights. The conquered French population of the proud city line the sidewalks, as row upon row of Wehrmacht troops Goose step down the broad avenues of the city streets. Looking out from the balcony of his room, the leader of the third Riche happily watched the procession below.
Hitler: I just love a good parade, don’t you Hermi?
Goering: Yes, mein Fuhrer. It’s quite a spectacle. A perfect way to usher in the thousand years Riche into France.
Hitler: Well said, Hermi. But why do the soldiers have to march with the Goose step. It’s just so… so ridged.
Goering: Well, it was either the Goose step or the Chicken dance. I though the Goose step was more appropriate. If it makes you happy, we can do the Hokie Poky after the your gloating commemorative speech.
Hitler: Make it so then! Oohhh! Here comes the balloons! (claps his hands excitedly) I’ve always loved that dog Snoopy! (a procession of huge tethered balloons follows the marching soldiers.) And listen to those cheering crowds, they love me!
Cheering Crowds: (lamely) woohoo…
Hitler: Cheer damn you!!!
Cheering Crowds: Woohoo!!! Long live the Fuhrur!!! Hitler is great!!! Heil Pookums!!!
Hitler: Who said that!?!?
Cheering Crowds: (all shrug whistling innocently.)
Hitler: Bah! I don’t want to watch anymore! (Angrily stomps back into the room, followed by Goering.) (sighs) Why doesn’t anybody like me Hermi?
Goering: Well, we did sort of conquer their country. But don’t take it to hard sir. They’re French, they don’t count.
Hitler: (blinks) Oh, I forgot about that. Quite right Hermi. I feel better now.
The doors to the lavish room open and Ribbentrop comes walking in with a large wicker basked in one hand, a large briefcase in another.
Ribbentrop: Heil Hitler! (salutes)
Hitler: Glad to have you back from Luxemburg, Ribbi. Good job getting military access from them. It sure would have been rough fighting their big bad scary army. (chuckles) Hey, Ribbi what have you got there? (eyeing the basked filled to the brim with fruit and chocolates.)
Ribbentrop: This is a thank you basked from Luxemburg, to show their appreciation for not crushing them under your heel and annexing them. A really fine piece of work isn’t? (sets the basked down on a table and admires it.) Really great basked weavers those Luxemburgers.
Goering: Mmmm… burgers.
Hitler: Luxemburg, best rest-stop in Europe. I’ll have to pick up a tee-shirt on my way back to Berlin. So, Ribbi what new do you have for me.
Ribbentropp: Well, sir, your field marshals, Gudarien and Rommel have mauled the French army horribly. After cutting off the French divisions at the Maginot line and waiting a few months, the French garrisons surrendered after Rommel offered them a meal of bread, water and a can of SPAM.
Both Hitler and Ribbentropp quickly turn to Goering.
Goering: (looks confused) What? I don’t like SPAM.
Ribbentropp: Any way, after those French troops surrendered, Guderian and Rommel have been running roughshod over the rest of France.
Hitler: Ah… boys, will be boys.
Ribbentropp: The French have sent envoy’s to us mein Fuhrer. They graciously decided to stop letting us decimate their military forces up and in return will sign an alliance with us creating the New Vichy government of France.
Hitler: Hm… that has some promise to it. I’m feeling kind of benevolent today anyway. Besides the French aren’t really that bad I guess.
Goering: (scratches his head) Didn’t a French guy invent the Smurfs? You know those little blue midgets in the cute mushroom houses? Mmmm… Smurfs!
Hitler: Like I was saying, the French menace must be wiped off the face of the earth!!! Total conquest is preferable Ribbi!
Ribbentropp: I shall relay your orders to Guderian and Rommel at once mein Furhrer!
Hitler: Any thing else of interest to report Ribbi?
Ribbentropp: Actually, yes. The United States has declared its neutrality by sending England supplies and arms. They call it their Lend Lease Policy.
Hitler: Um… does that make any sense to you Ribbi?
Ribbentropp: American logic is baffling.
Hitler: I’m still trying to understand their concept of jumbo shrimp.
Ribbentropp: Oh and lastly, our scientists have made a breakthrough in our warfare simulation! (he quickly opens his brief case and unfolds a large game board on the table. On it is the map of the world and on the overhead title is written, “Axis and Allies” (trade mark of Hasbro Inc. has been hastily scribbled out).
Hitler: Oh… (looks at the board with wide eyes)
Ribbentropp: Only the major powers of the world are represented on the map, Germany, Russia, Britain, Japan and the US.
Goering: Um… where’s Italy and France?
Ribbentropp: Ahem… Only the major powers of the world are represented on the map…
Hitler: Ha! If Caesar could see what’s happened to the Roman Legions, he’d be rolling in his grave. (looks down at the game board and picks up the army pieces) This is amazing Ribbi! Look, it even has little plastic tanks and soldiers in it! Ribbi, those scientists have done an outstanding job. Give them an hour break before you start flogging them again.
Ribbentropp: Most kind, mein Fuhrer.
Hitler: Let’s get a simulation going Goering! Ribbi, clear my schedule.
Goering: Starts reading the rules. Hm… what’s an IC?
Hitler: Looks complicated, we better get started right away. Oh, before you go, Ribbi. Has there been any word from von Kluge and von Manstein?
Ribbentropp: No mein Fuhrer, they haven’t reported back yet.
Hitler: I hope nothing’s happened to them. Damn that Dutch resistance! Must be putting up quite a fight.
Netherlands, Amsterdam September 1940
A middle aged man in a heavily stained and wrinkled field marshal’s uniform wakes up to a new day in the happy land of occupied Amsterdam. He’s Lying face down in an ally and a stray poodle is licking his face with a sloppy wet tongue.
von Manstein: (mumbles) Not tonight mom, I have a head ache…
The poodle frowns and trots off. After a few more minutes Manstein blinks his eyes open and squints looking up and the morning sun.
von Manstein: Oh, man where am I. (He spots a crumpled lump sprawled out on the side of the street) Hey Kludge is that you?
von Kludge: Yeah, but I’m wishing I was someone else at the moment. (groans)
von Manstein: (shakes his head wearily.) What the hell have we been up to? I don’t remember a thing.
von Kludge: I don’t know either. The last thing I remember was some guy telling me to lick the back of a frog. Oh, the colors…
von Manstein: Come on Kludge! We need to report in or something. (he peals himself off the pavement)
von Kludge: Aaawww… but I like it here in the gutter.
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Somewhere in Europe October 1940
The familiar rumblings of a German Panzer were heard through the countryside. Dust covered and battle scared, the steel behemoth rolled oblivious to the fact that it was driving around in circles.
Inside the tank, Rommel fumbled around with a large map trying to unfold in and managing to tear it in several places doing so.
Rommel: Do you remember if we made a left or a right at Tulon?
Guderian: (shakes his head) I can’t believe this. I’m lost with mister logistics wizard here.
Rommel: Oh, sure, blame everything on me why don’t you. You’re the one driving the Panzer! If you weren’t so gun-oh about blasting those French divisions, we wouldn’t be lost!
Guderian: Blasting the French is what I do! So put a sock in it and find out where we are!
Rommel: Fine! Stop the tank and let me get my bearings. We’ve been diving around in circles for the last hour anyway.
The Panzer grinds to a hald with the engines rumbling to a low idle. Rommel sticks his head out of the copula and starts looking around.
Rommel: Well, judging by the angle of the sun, and the current wind flow, as well as taking into account the flight migrations of those swallows up there, as well as analyzing those rock formations… I’d say that we’re in Gibraltar.
Guderian: (blinks wide-eyed with awe) You deduced all that from looking at that crap out there?
Rommel: No… (Then suddenly ducks back into the tank as a bullet whizzes overhead.) Those British regulars in those bunkers currently shooting at us pretty much gave it away.
Guderain bangs his head against the steering column a few times.
Rommel: You, know since we’re here anyway we might as well conquer the damn place.
Guderian: Well that’s just peachy! How do you expect us to attack a fortified mountain position with tanks? (bullets start peppering the Panzer as it slowly rolls away.)
Rommel: Don’t worry, I’ll think of something.
Three days later:
Within the fortressed bunkers of Gibraltar, British troops vigilantly keep watch over the approached to the citadel knowing that the enemy could attack at any moment. From the mists of morning something can be seen approaching the walls.
British soldier 1: (finally, one of the men spots the oncoming object) Hey boys, what to you make of that?
All the soldiers turn to look and stare in amazement as a wooden Panzer comes rolling up, pushed from behind by a bunch of German soldiers. After being spotted, the Germans run away leaving the wood tank sitting there.
British soldier 2: Hm… well I’m guessing that’s it’s a replica of a Panther III with a 50mm cannon mount.
British soldier 3: No, no, no, just take a look at the angle of that sloped armor. It’s definitely an advanced Panther IV with a 70mm mount. See what happens when you sleep through tank school.
British soldier 2: Well, I do like the detail on those protective skirts.
British soldier 1: (nods his head thoughtfully) It is a nice model, why do ya recon the German’s would be leaving it about?
British soldiers 2: Probably cause there are some German’s hiding inside hoping that we’ll bring it inside our gates. I’ve seen it in a movie before. They’ll sneak out at night and open the gates from the within to let the main force attack us.
British soldier 3: Pretty tricky, but you’d have to get up pretty early in the morning to fool us British! I say we take it inside and burn it! That ought to teach em!
British soldier 1: Sounds like a plan to me. I’ll get some marshmallows to roast by the fire!
And so the British soldiers start off. Opening the gates, they come out with some trucks and heavy chains and drag the wooden Panzer in.
Meanwhile inside the wooden Panzer:
Guderian: How the hell did I ever get myself talked into this? (bangs his head on the steering column again)
British soldier 1: Well, we dragged her in, who’s got a match?
British soldier 2: Here you go! (hands him a lit match and they set it under the wooden hull which soon starts to smolder. Remember now, when they come scrambling out of there, don’t forget the shoot em! (smiles and cocks his pistol)
British soldier 3: Yup, like I said before, you got to get up pretty early in the morning to put one over the British!
From the distance, looking through his binoculars with a grin on his face:
Rommel: Ha! They fell for it, the oldest trick in the book, the Trojan Panzer! (A cannon shot is soon heard in the distance, followed by a lot of screaming and yelling)
British soldier 1: Hey, wait a minute! This isn’t a wooden Panzer! It’s a real Panzer covered with balsa wood!
British Soldier 2 and 3: Awww crap!
Guderian: Ha! Eat my offensive doctrine and like it! (The tank gun fires again! BOOM!!!)
Rommel: I am just too good!
Berlin November 1940
Ribbentrop: Mein Fuhrer! Mein Fuhrer! Wonderful news!!! (he excitedly runs through the door into the study to hind Hitler and Georing in the middle of rolling dice in their Axis and Allies game)
Hitler: Shhhh… Ribbi, I’m in the middle of bombing Pearl Harbor.
Georing: I told him that the Japanese attacking the American fleet on the first turn was risky but he wouldn’t listen. I think you’re better off saving your resources attacking the Russians.
Hitler: Bah! Take out the American fleet early on, and you’ll rule the whole Pacific. It will take the American’s years to rebuild their ships! Heck they just might even roll over and not fight at all after their fleet is gone.
Georing: Well, knowing most Americans, even if you sent their entire fleet to the bottom of the ocean, they’ll probably come after you in rowboats if they had to.
Hitler: (Frowns, thinking things over) Dumb American’s! Too stupid to know when to surrender. This could complicate things… So Ribbi, what’s this good news you’re talking about?
Ribbentrop: Great news indeed, Rommel and Guderian have conquered all of mainland France as well as captured the British fortress of Gibraltar!
Hitler: Gibraltar you say! Well, heck that deserved a kegger!
Georing: Mmmm… Georing likes beer.
Hitler: Don’t we all.
Ribbentrop: In other news our scientists in their search to turn lead into gold and create bigger dice, have stumbled upon the fluidcracking process.
Georing: How exactly do you crack fluid? Um… isn’t like uh, fluid?
Hitler: What will those crazy scientists think up next? (looks at the dice in his hand confused) Hey, whose turn is it any way Hemri?
Georing: I kinda lost track. I was trying to remember what the attack rating of those bombers were. Do they get a bonus against subs?
Hitler: (sigh) All this warmongering is giving me a headache. I wish there was a way to get through this simulation with out having to roll all these dice. I’m already getting carpel tunnel in my wrist. Ribbi, if those scientists of mine have time to figure out how to crack fluid, then they should have time to figure out a way to calculate all this dice rolling automatically! Get them to it!
Ribbentrop: At once mein Fuhrer! Oh, and lastly, Field Marshals von Manstein and von Kludge have finally reported in! They have finally crushed the last of the Dutch resistance and will be heading back to Berlin for debriefing. Rommel and Guderian are on their way also.
Hitler: That’s wonderful! They’ll all be here in time for Christmas. It’s always good to have family together for the holidays.
The familiar rumblings of a German Panzer were heard through the countryside. Dust covered and battle scared, the steel behemoth rolled oblivious to the fact that it was driving around in circles.
Inside the tank, Rommel fumbled around with a large map trying to unfold in and managing to tear it in several places doing so.
Rommel: Do you remember if we made a left or a right at Tulon?
Guderian: (shakes his head) I can’t believe this. I’m lost with mister logistics wizard here.
Rommel: Oh, sure, blame everything on me why don’t you. You’re the one driving the Panzer! If you weren’t so gun-oh about blasting those French divisions, we wouldn’t be lost!
Guderian: Blasting the French is what I do! So put a sock in it and find out where we are!
Rommel: Fine! Stop the tank and let me get my bearings. We’ve been diving around in circles for the last hour anyway.
The Panzer grinds to a hald with the engines rumbling to a low idle. Rommel sticks his head out of the copula and starts looking around.
Rommel: Well, judging by the angle of the sun, and the current wind flow, as well as taking into account the flight migrations of those swallows up there, as well as analyzing those rock formations… I’d say that we’re in Gibraltar.
Guderian: (blinks wide-eyed with awe) You deduced all that from looking at that crap out there?
Rommel: No… (Then suddenly ducks back into the tank as a bullet whizzes overhead.) Those British regulars in those bunkers currently shooting at us pretty much gave it away.
Guderain bangs his head against the steering column a few times.
Rommel: You, know since we’re here anyway we might as well conquer the damn place.
Guderian: Well that’s just peachy! How do you expect us to attack a fortified mountain position with tanks? (bullets start peppering the Panzer as it slowly rolls away.)
Rommel: Don’t worry, I’ll think of something.
Three days later:
Within the fortressed bunkers of Gibraltar, British troops vigilantly keep watch over the approached to the citadel knowing that the enemy could attack at any moment. From the mists of morning something can be seen approaching the walls.
British soldier 1: (finally, one of the men spots the oncoming object) Hey boys, what to you make of that?
All the soldiers turn to look and stare in amazement as a wooden Panzer comes rolling up, pushed from behind by a bunch of German soldiers. After being spotted, the Germans run away leaving the wood tank sitting there.
British soldier 2: Hm… well I’m guessing that’s it’s a replica of a Panther III with a 50mm cannon mount.
British soldier 3: No, no, no, just take a look at the angle of that sloped armor. It’s definitely an advanced Panther IV with a 70mm mount. See what happens when you sleep through tank school.
British soldier 2: Well, I do like the detail on those protective skirts.
British soldier 1: (nods his head thoughtfully) It is a nice model, why do ya recon the German’s would be leaving it about?
British soldiers 2: Probably cause there are some German’s hiding inside hoping that we’ll bring it inside our gates. I’ve seen it in a movie before. They’ll sneak out at night and open the gates from the within to let the main force attack us.
British soldier 3: Pretty tricky, but you’d have to get up pretty early in the morning to fool us British! I say we take it inside and burn it! That ought to teach em!
British soldier 1: Sounds like a plan to me. I’ll get some marshmallows to roast by the fire!
And so the British soldiers start off. Opening the gates, they come out with some trucks and heavy chains and drag the wooden Panzer in.
Meanwhile inside the wooden Panzer:
Guderian: How the hell did I ever get myself talked into this? (bangs his head on the steering column again)
British soldier 1: Well, we dragged her in, who’s got a match?
British soldier 2: Here you go! (hands him a lit match and they set it under the wooden hull which soon starts to smolder. Remember now, when they come scrambling out of there, don’t forget the shoot em! (smiles and cocks his pistol)
British soldier 3: Yup, like I said before, you got to get up pretty early in the morning to put one over the British!
From the distance, looking through his binoculars with a grin on his face:
Rommel: Ha! They fell for it, the oldest trick in the book, the Trojan Panzer! (A cannon shot is soon heard in the distance, followed by a lot of screaming and yelling)
British soldier 1: Hey, wait a minute! This isn’t a wooden Panzer! It’s a real Panzer covered with balsa wood!
British Soldier 2 and 3: Awww crap!
Guderian: Ha! Eat my offensive doctrine and like it! (The tank gun fires again! BOOM!!!)
Rommel: I am just too good!
Berlin November 1940
Ribbentrop: Mein Fuhrer! Mein Fuhrer! Wonderful news!!! (he excitedly runs through the door into the study to hind Hitler and Georing in the middle of rolling dice in their Axis and Allies game)
Hitler: Shhhh… Ribbi, I’m in the middle of bombing Pearl Harbor.
Georing: I told him that the Japanese attacking the American fleet on the first turn was risky but he wouldn’t listen. I think you’re better off saving your resources attacking the Russians.
Hitler: Bah! Take out the American fleet early on, and you’ll rule the whole Pacific. It will take the American’s years to rebuild their ships! Heck they just might even roll over and not fight at all after their fleet is gone.
Georing: Well, knowing most Americans, even if you sent their entire fleet to the bottom of the ocean, they’ll probably come after you in rowboats if they had to.
Hitler: (Frowns, thinking things over) Dumb American’s! Too stupid to know when to surrender. This could complicate things… So Ribbi, what’s this good news you’re talking about?
Ribbentrop: Great news indeed, Rommel and Guderian have conquered all of mainland France as well as captured the British fortress of Gibraltar!
Hitler: Gibraltar you say! Well, heck that deserved a kegger!
Georing: Mmmm… Georing likes beer.
Hitler: Don’t we all.
Ribbentrop: In other news our scientists in their search to turn lead into gold and create bigger dice, have stumbled upon the fluidcracking process.
Georing: How exactly do you crack fluid? Um… isn’t like uh, fluid?
Hitler: What will those crazy scientists think up next? (looks at the dice in his hand confused) Hey, whose turn is it any way Hemri?
Georing: I kinda lost track. I was trying to remember what the attack rating of those bombers were. Do they get a bonus against subs?
Hitler: (sigh) All this warmongering is giving me a headache. I wish there was a way to get through this simulation with out having to roll all these dice. I’m already getting carpel tunnel in my wrist. Ribbi, if those scientists of mine have time to figure out how to crack fluid, then they should have time to figure out a way to calculate all this dice rolling automatically! Get them to it!
Ribbentrop: At once mein Fuhrer! Oh, and lastly, Field Marshals von Manstein and von Kludge have finally reported in! They have finally crushed the last of the Dutch resistance and will be heading back to Berlin for debriefing. Rommel and Guderian are on their way also.
Hitler: That’s wonderful! They’ll all be here in time for Christmas. It’s always good to have family together for the holidays.
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damn this is a hilarious aar
keep it up Rustican when will hitler and guderian discover axis and allies europe.. or pacific? or maybe even dogsowar? nah lets just watch them get drawn into hoi and then write aars about themselves playing hoi and writing aars.
keep it up Rustican when will hitler and guderian discover axis and allies europe.. or pacific? or maybe even dogsowar? nah lets just watch them get drawn into hoi and then write aars about themselves playing hoi and writing aars.