Bard the Incomprehensible (also, the Second Heretic King) Skulesson Crovan
King of All Norway of Sweden and of Denmark
Wefwections on his weign, 1332 – 1333
A Special Note: Some readers have voiced concerns that attempting to understand King Bard’s Speech is as enjoyable as stabbing oneself in the eye with a power drill.
For these readers, I will henceforth supply Closed Captioning of Bard-Speak.
When you have no idea what Bard is saying, simply scroll down a bit and the humble author will supply an explanation
(it will be colored like this).
Once again, it is I, Sir Ogmund von Starchshirt, Knight of the Realm, Voice-box of the King and, of course, your humble narrator. Today, I bring more good news. The Duke of Norrland was killed in battle. As you may know, 5 year old boys are pretty easy to bully, so his son the new Duke quietly rejoined the fold.
And the plague continues. I've decided to send Bard to Durham for a convalescence. I hear the air is quite healthy out there!
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Swomefwing is wotten in de state of Nowway. I hewld a pwivate mweeting wif de Chancewollwess. She says I have bween excwomm... excwommmuniccckkkk..exww.
I've been bwanded a hewatic!
It sweems Ogmund maybe up twow swomewfwing nefwee…nefweeee…
bad.
Awlso de Chacewollwess hwacked a woogie own me. I fink she is sick.
(King Bard is expressing concerns that Ogmund may be up to no good. Also, he just found out he is excommunicated. He has not yet found out the Chancelloress has the Plauge)
Excellent. I do not need to send him away after all! The Chancelloress did the dirty work already...and it was even an accident! I am sorry to turn on Bard. He has always been good to me. But you see, the Council of Nobles (excluding Wulfhere) have made an interesting proposal. It seems they have tired of living under a Crovanocracy. Since Bard has made the Kingship elective, a few would like to try an Ogmundocracy!
The best part: Since I will be attempting to overthrow a known excommunicated heretic, I have the Pope’s blessing!
Well what did you expect? As a Knight, I have become a vassal of the Crown and there are certain duties and expectations that come with serving the Crovans.
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Weww pwewfect. Now I hawve the pwague.
Newevewer the wess, I wiww not bwe kwept in the shadows any wongew. You know he made himswewff a Knight!
(Bard now realizes that he has the plague. Also, he has decided to take a more active role in the running of his realm. He is annoyed that Ogmund has claimed a Knighthood.)
Oh dear. Duke Arne has jumped the gun. He was supposed to wait until after I met with Bard this morning and slipped hima knife in the gullet along with his morning tea. Duke Arne's Herald storming into Viken Castle and demanding I replace the "dead King Bard" on the throne has somewhat compromised the whole scheme.
Oh well, the jig is up, so I must bid you
adieu. I am off to join the nobles in their uprising.
Doubtless you will see me soon enough, when, as King Ogmund, I can resume my discourses with you.
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I was wight! Ogmund has betwayed me! A webeweewwwl Duke has decwaww…decwaaawww…de…*sigh* named him my successwor and King!
Ogmund wan off to join them too!
Pwoor fwoowl. Evweyone knows not to twust a Vwikwing Duke!
(Having discovered proof that Ogmund has betrayed him on the advice of some nobles, King Bard expresses sorrow for poor Ogmund. The nobles, you see, are rather untrustworthy.)
Foowish nobwels. It is obvwious Wuwfhwee…Wuwwfff…the Saxon was meant to be King. See, his vwassals alweady webel against his wuwul…wwuuuu…his cont-wool.
(Because Wulfhere has chronic vassal problems even as a Duke, it is clear to King Bard that he is marked out by God as a true King of Norway)
A cwevwer twick, since no one is in Vwestfwowd! Cwurse you Ogmund!
(Bard has decided that Ogmund is somehow behind the destroyed Civilian Harbour in Vestland. Despite the messenger's insistance that "enemy troops" destroyed it, there is no evidence of an army in the province at all)
Duke Awne is wet bwack in the Kwingdom. I guess he weawized it twakes mwowee…mwovewvw…you can’t ovewthwow a King wif onwy 800 men.
(Duke Arne learned the hard way that being a Duke doesn't make one a "Great" Vassal.)
And now anothew Cwount decwawes Ogmund King! This time it is the Cwount of Tavasts.
Pwobabwy not the out-powring of suppowt Ogmund was expwecting.
(The Count of Tavasts is weak and useless. Ogmund won't get the throne if only the crappy vassals back him.)
Now Sodewmanwand joins the webewllwls…the weebbewwwe…the webweewwoouus.
Fwuck it. You know what I mweant.
(Yes, we do.)
Hooway! The Chuwch of Nowway has decwawed suppowt fwor me, in spwite of the Pope! This is a special occwassion as the Chuwch has nwevah suppowted a Cwovan bwefwore.
(The Church of Norway has decided to defy the Papal Ban and support Bard as the true King of Norway. Don't ask me why.)
So Bard has reclaimed center stage. Clearly, the author has gone mad. Of course, the fact that he now has the plague probably limits the number of readers who could be lost to his incomprehensible ramblings. When will you get sick of reading this tripe? Hopefully not before you read next exciting episode of