1333
Well, now Bard is crazy on top of everything else. There should be a Bible story about him. Old Testament, of course. At any rate, join us next time, when Bard tries to get cozy with Mrs. Bard (whatever her name is) on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!
Bard the “Incomprehensible” Skulesson Crovan
(also known as the Second Heretic King)
King of All Norway of Sweden and of Denmark
Wefwections on his weign, 1333
Wewwhul, now the Duke of Fwinwand has decwawed indepwendance. At weast he did so wiffout the usuawwll cwaiming of my thwone, so he may go in peace.
(The Duke of Finland has deserted Bard, but did so rather politely, so Bard will just let him go.)
Nice twy bwishops, I know how this game goes…I give you mwoney and you kweep it!
(Bard does not fall for the old “give us 1,000 pounds of gold and maybe we can stop your kingdom from degenerating)
Hmmm…pwague and webewwwssll….weebbeeeewwwww…twaitows.
(Bard makes a rather dull comment on the fact that his realm is troubled with both the plague and rebels.)
It is quite a stwain managing my giant estates fwom my swick bed, but I wiwwlll swowdurr own. Whawwt cwould pwossiby go wowng?
(Bard somehow thinks it is a good plan to manage an unruly and rebellious empire from his bed without assistance, you know, in between bouts of puking up intestinal worms.)
I can weed you know…they tweach that in cowwwrrt skoowwwl.
(Oh. Sorry.)
It wowwwld sweem Vwikwen Cwastwel is haunted. Foweer the wast week, the wawwwllls…wawwwww…ww. *Sigh* Stwones hwave bween oozing bwood.
Awwwso, Baawlzwebuub has twaken up wesidwence in my cwoset.
(On top of everything else, Bard has gone bat-sh!t crazy.)
Swodwermmannwand has suwwendwered two my invwincibel awwms. I thwink the wegions of fwying mwonkeys fwinished them owff.
(Bard appears to be suffering from hallucinations. Also, the Count of Sodermanland has yielded. There were no flying monkeys involved anywhere.)
Now the Duke of Bwegswegwwen suwwendwews. He may kweep his wands so wong as he stays away fwom cwourt, because I thwink it wouwd kwill me if I had to say that name ewewy dway.
(Bergslagen surrenders. Bard finds his title difficult to pronounce.)
Wuwffhewe, heiww to my thwone, has expwessed a desiwure fwor mowweeerrr wands.
What? Is waiting fowwrr youwwrr pwuague infwested king to die taking twoo wong?
Ingwate.
(Bard is offended that Wulfhere is so disloyal, especially considering that all he has to do is sit around, do nothing and wait for plague, worm, and wound-ridden Bard to die and he gets everything.)
I wiwwwwlll tweach him. Hewwerrrr Saxon: Hawve awwwl of my Engwish wands.
Swucker.
(Bard has inherited, from his father, a distaste for England. Giving these lands to Wulfhere is a backhanded compliment, since any good Crovan knows how vile and traitorous the English are. Wulfhere may not get the intended slight.)
Wow Bishop…do you weewwwy think so?
(Bard, excommunicated by the church several years ago, is making a sarcastic reply to his Bishop’s urgent warning.)
(also known as the Second Heretic King)
King of All Norway of Sweden and of Denmark
Wefwections on his weign, 1333
Wewwhul, now the Duke of Fwinwand has decwawed indepwendance. At weast he did so wiffout the usuawwll cwaiming of my thwone, so he may go in peace.
(The Duke of Finland has deserted Bard, but did so rather politely, so Bard will just let him go.)
Nice twy bwishops, I know how this game goes…I give you mwoney and you kweep it!
(Bard does not fall for the old “give us 1,000 pounds of gold and maybe we can stop your kingdom from degenerating)
Hmmm…pwague and webewwwssll….weebbeeeewwwww…twaitows.
(Bard makes a rather dull comment on the fact that his realm is troubled with both the plague and rebels.)
It is quite a stwain managing my giant estates fwom my swick bed, but I wiwwlll swowdurr own. Whawwt cwould pwossiby go wowng?
(Bard somehow thinks it is a good plan to manage an unruly and rebellious empire from his bed without assistance, you know, in between bouts of puking up intestinal worms.)
I can weed you know…they tweach that in cowwwrrt skoowwwl.
(Oh. Sorry.)
It wowwwld sweem Vwikwen Cwastwel is haunted. Foweer the wast week, the wawwwllls…wawwwww…ww. *Sigh* Stwones hwave bween oozing bwood.
Awwwso, Baawlzwebuub has twaken up wesidwence in my cwoset.
(On top of everything else, Bard has gone bat-sh!t crazy.)
Swodwermmannwand has suwwendwered two my invwincibel awwms. I thwink the wegions of fwying mwonkeys fwinished them owff.
(Bard appears to be suffering from hallucinations. Also, the Count of Sodermanland has yielded. There were no flying monkeys involved anywhere.)
Now the Duke of Bwegswegwwen suwwendwews. He may kweep his wands so wong as he stays away fwom cwourt, because I thwink it wouwd kwill me if I had to say that name ewewy dway.
(Bergslagen surrenders. Bard finds his title difficult to pronounce.)
Wuwffhewe, heiww to my thwone, has expwessed a desiwure fwor mowweeerrr wands.
What? Is waiting fowwrr youwwrr pwuague infwested king to die taking twoo wong?
Ingwate.
(Bard is offended that Wulfhere is so disloyal, especially considering that all he has to do is sit around, do nothing and wait for plague, worm, and wound-ridden Bard to die and he gets everything.)
I wiwwwwlll tweach him. Hewwerrrr Saxon: Hawve awwwl of my Engwish wands.
Swucker.
(Bard has inherited, from his father, a distaste for England. Giving these lands to Wulfhere is a backhanded compliment, since any good Crovan knows how vile and traitorous the English are. Wulfhere may not get the intended slight.)
Wow Bishop…do you weewwwy think so?
(Bard, excommunicated by the church several years ago, is making a sarcastic reply to his Bishop’s urgent warning.)
Well, now Bard is crazy on top of everything else. There should be a Bible story about him. Old Testament, of course. At any rate, join us next time, when Bard tries to get cozy with Mrs. Bard (whatever her name is) on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!
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