The Adventures of the Crovan Clan
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1136-1139
The Adventures of the Crovan Clan continue next week when the twin Crovan Crusades commence! Who will lose? Crovan? Yngling? Toads? Will little Magnus recover? Is Ossor going insane? Is the author getting too lazy to write a proper post-script to these episodes? Find out the answers to precious few of these questions when we return!
Ossor Erlendsson Crovan
Duke of Western Isles of Leinster of Ulster of Meath and of Iceland
Ruminations on the middle years, 1136-1139
I dispatched about 2400 soldiers to Buchen under the overall command of Marshal Ruadri Lindsey. Since the enemy had only 2 soldiers, this should be a quick and painless tune-up.
I really had two issues with Marshal Ruardi.
First, his abject cowardice caused the desertion of an entire regiment during what should have been a cake-walk of a siege calls his manhood into serious question.
Second, what the devil was the Argyll Regiment doing sailing around in the Irish Sea rather than storming Scottish walls?
This is my new marshal, John Dunkeld. He is not the great warrior Ruardi is, but he has also promised to avoid hare-brained schemes.
This is why we fight the tune-up war, to weed out the Ruardis among the Holy Rollers.
Uncle Aslak visited today. I knew he'd gone somewhat mad, but I was not prepared for this!
He was dressed in a pair of woolen knickers, wore a chamber-pot on his head, and had a large bed-sheet tied about his throat as a cape. His minions, who seemed rather embarrassed by the whole spectacle, marched before him sprinkling flower petals at his feet.
Earl Aslak loudly thanked me for my services to the family and announced that henceforth he would need me, his favorite vassal, to assume day to day control over the Duchy.
He told me that many of the toads and frogs of Tir Eoghain had taken to croaking in Arabic.
He planned a large and well equipped Crusade to convert them, if possible, and exterminate them if not, but this Holy Crusade would not leave him much time for what he felt was the most important duty of a nobleman - exercising Primae Nocturne.
I assured him I would molest every new bride in Tir Eoghain, which put him somewhat at ease. I was rather relieved when he departed for his Toad Crusade.
My daughter Brigida was born this day. She is my seventh child. Since God uses the illness and death of my children as our primary means of communication, it would make sense that he would bless me with so many.
And Magnus has fallen ill, God’s little way of reminding me that I need to crush the Ynglings.
Well Haldor, the day of reckoning is upon you and your line. Your family has tormented us for seventy two years and tormented the Lord for far longer. Now you shall pay for those twin crimes.
Plus, if I don’t hurry, God may well kill little Magnus.
The plan was expensive.
At the Battle of Faereyar, we drew first blood, my Pilgim-Lord Donald Livingstone crushing Earl Torgils.
And Findley destroys the army of the Heretic-Bishop of Bergenshus.
At least, I assume he is a heretic. After all, what bishop would stand in the way of God's army, the Holy Rollers?
We are off to a great start.
This is indeed a beautiful day. The Norweigian armies are routed. I have set foot on the lands of the Ynglings. God is behind us, doubltess flights of Angels are on their way even now. The Duchy is unified in this noble goal, well, except for Uncle Aslak, but that may be for the best.
Nothing can go wrong.
Duke of Western Isles of Leinster of Ulster of Meath and of Iceland
Ruminations on the middle years, 1136-1139
I dispatched about 2400 soldiers to Buchen under the overall command of Marshal Ruadri Lindsey. Since the enemy had only 2 soldiers, this should be a quick and painless tune-up.
I really had two issues with Marshal Ruardi.
First, his abject cowardice caused the desertion of an entire regiment during what should have been a cake-walk of a siege calls his manhood into serious question.
Second, what the devil was the Argyll Regiment doing sailing around in the Irish Sea rather than storming Scottish walls?
This is my new marshal, John Dunkeld. He is not the great warrior Ruardi is, but he has also promised to avoid hare-brained schemes.
This is why we fight the tune-up war, to weed out the Ruardis among the Holy Rollers.
Uncle Aslak visited today. I knew he'd gone somewhat mad, but I was not prepared for this!
He was dressed in a pair of woolen knickers, wore a chamber-pot on his head, and had a large bed-sheet tied about his throat as a cape. His minions, who seemed rather embarrassed by the whole spectacle, marched before him sprinkling flower petals at his feet.
Earl Aslak loudly thanked me for my services to the family and announced that henceforth he would need me, his favorite vassal, to assume day to day control over the Duchy.
He told me that many of the toads and frogs of Tir Eoghain had taken to croaking in Arabic.
He planned a large and well equipped Crusade to convert them, if possible, and exterminate them if not, but this Holy Crusade would not leave him much time for what he felt was the most important duty of a nobleman - exercising Primae Nocturne.
I assured him I would molest every new bride in Tir Eoghain, which put him somewhat at ease. I was rather relieved when he departed for his Toad Crusade.
My daughter Brigida was born this day. She is my seventh child. Since God uses the illness and death of my children as our primary means of communication, it would make sense that he would bless me with so many.
And Magnus has fallen ill, God’s little way of reminding me that I need to crush the Ynglings.
Well Haldor, the day of reckoning is upon you and your line. Your family has tormented us for seventy two years and tormented the Lord for far longer. Now you shall pay for those twin crimes.
Plus, if I don’t hurry, God may well kill little Magnus.
The plan was expensive.
At the Battle of Faereyar, we drew first blood, my Pilgim-Lord Donald Livingstone crushing Earl Torgils.
And Findley destroys the army of the Heretic-Bishop of Bergenshus.
At least, I assume he is a heretic. After all, what bishop would stand in the way of God's army, the Holy Rollers?
We are off to a great start.
This is indeed a beautiful day. The Norweigian armies are routed. I have set foot on the lands of the Ynglings. God is behind us, doubltess flights of Angels are on their way even now. The Duchy is unified in this noble goal, well, except for Uncle Aslak, but that may be for the best.
Nothing can go wrong.
The Adventures of the Crovan Clan continue next week when the twin Crovan Crusades commence! Who will lose? Crovan? Yngling? Toads? Will little Magnus recover? Is Ossor going insane? Is the author getting too lazy to write a proper post-script to these episodes? Find out the answers to precious few of these questions when we return!
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The Ynglings are going to get crushed, as long as you don't have any more Ruardi's in your leadership. And who knows what might happen with the Toad crusade, he could gather up all the insane rulers of the world and march on the Toads and other pests.
Iudex: That little voice in your head is quite correct!
Lordban:
Ossor is a bit of a Knytling fan - as both of his wives would attest!
Lordban:
Ossor is a bit of a Knytling fan - as both of his wives would attest!
1139 and that is it
Wow? King Aslak! Won’t the old man like that? So now the war with Norway is a God ordained Holy Crusade? I don’t know if the Pope is going to agree with that Ossor old chap! Speaking of Ossor - is it just me or is he slipping a bit? Iceland in rebellion? Smugglers in Fife? War with Munster? Things are a bit rough on the home-front as The Adventures of the Crovan Clan continue!
Ossor Erlendsson Crovan
Duke of Western Isles of Leinster of Ulster of Meath and of Iceland
Ruminations on the middle years, 1139
The Bishop of Bergenshus yields to us, proving once and for all whose side God is on in this conflict
Munster takes advantage of my Holy War in a most despicable manner.
I did not expect a Christian nation to interfere with God’s work in Norway.
Unfortunately, my entire host is off on the Yngling Crusade, so Munster will be able to move unchecked in my lands.
Of course, it’s Munster, so I’m not too worried. With luck their horse will drown in the miserable swamps slowing their advance to a crawl.
The Battle of Telemark is an outrageous victory. Most of my 47 deaths came when some two-dozen slow moving plebian spearmen got in the way of my cavalry’s post-battle victory charge.
Telemark and Agder fall quickly to our conquering swords. Deus Vult!
The Earl of Vestisland betrayed me, slinking off with his soldiers in the dead of night. Since the Iceland regiments are charged with making war on Haldor’s island vassals, this puts a serious crimp in my western plans. Unfortunately, I cannot divert any resources to support the loyal Earl of Austisland, but his loyalty and skill is unquestionable and I know he will succeed.
The pagans jumped on Angermanland, my Swedish Vassal. If I wasn’t so busy with God’s work (and if that miserable old pervert who defiled my mother wasn’t the Earl), I might have helped him. Instead, I hope they eat him alive when they are through ravaging his miserable province.
Haldor’s capital Viken falls to the Holy Rollers and Haldor flees with his court to Trondelag. Victory is in sight.
What now Austisland has betrayed me? After I spent all of that time talking him up?
God, can they not see that our Holy Crusade is near its end? Can they not see that your will is coming to pass?
Why Iceland? Why have you forsaken God and your Lord?
Do you want baby Jesus to cry, Iceland? DO YOU?
It seems all the vermin of my realm are showing their colors, as smugglers openly defy the exchequer’s tariffs. All of this suffering will soon be worthwhile. Once the Ynglings are destroyed, Munster and Iceland can be quickly brought to heel.
I think I shall make Uncle Aslak King of the Emerald Isle. He will like that.
Duke of Western Isles of Leinster of Ulster of Meath and of Iceland
Ruminations on the middle years, 1139
The Bishop of Bergenshus yields to us, proving once and for all whose side God is on in this conflict
Munster takes advantage of my Holy War in a most despicable manner.
I did not expect a Christian nation to interfere with God’s work in Norway.
Unfortunately, my entire host is off on the Yngling Crusade, so Munster will be able to move unchecked in my lands.
Of course, it’s Munster, so I’m not too worried. With luck their horse will drown in the miserable swamps slowing their advance to a crawl.
The Battle of Telemark is an outrageous victory. Most of my 47 deaths came when some two-dozen slow moving plebian spearmen got in the way of my cavalry’s post-battle victory charge.
Telemark and Agder fall quickly to our conquering swords. Deus Vult!
The Earl of Vestisland betrayed me, slinking off with his soldiers in the dead of night. Since the Iceland regiments are charged with making war on Haldor’s island vassals, this puts a serious crimp in my western plans. Unfortunately, I cannot divert any resources to support the loyal Earl of Austisland, but his loyalty and skill is unquestionable and I know he will succeed.
The pagans jumped on Angermanland, my Swedish Vassal. If I wasn’t so busy with God’s work (and if that miserable old pervert who defiled my mother wasn’t the Earl), I might have helped him. Instead, I hope they eat him alive when they are through ravaging his miserable province.
Haldor’s capital Viken falls to the Holy Rollers and Haldor flees with his court to Trondelag. Victory is in sight.
What now Austisland has betrayed me? After I spent all of that time talking him up?
God, can they not see that our Holy Crusade is near its end? Can they not see that your will is coming to pass?
Why Iceland? Why have you forsaken God and your Lord?
Do you want baby Jesus to cry, Iceland? DO YOU?
It seems all the vermin of my realm are showing their colors, as smugglers openly defy the exchequer’s tariffs. All of this suffering will soon be worthwhile. Once the Ynglings are destroyed, Munster and Iceland can be quickly brought to heel.
I think I shall make Uncle Aslak King of the Emerald Isle. He will like that.
Wow? King Aslak! Won’t the old man like that? So now the war with Norway is a God ordained Holy Crusade? I don’t know if the Pope is going to agree with that Ossor old chap! Speaking of Ossor - is it just me or is he slipping a bit? Iceland in rebellion? Smugglers in Fife? War with Munster? Things are a bit rough on the home-front as The Adventures of the Crovan Clan continue!
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1140
Well, I guess Ossor was right about one thing: the plan was cheap. Killing every soldier in the army would cut costs rather dramatically! So Ossor has gone completely mad right when the Crovan family’s greatest goal has been achieved, oh Crusader Kings, you are so rich in irony! Oh author, you have no idea how to properly use the word ‘irony’! Anyway, join us next time for the Madness of King Ossor in the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!
Ossor Erlendsson Crovan
Duke of Western Isles of Leinster of Ulster of Meath and of Iceland
Ruminations on the later years, 1140
I should hope so Gilchrist, you are, after all, a Bishop.
Dear sick Magnus has been sent to Church School. Hopefully, God will see his holiness (and remember that I am doing his will!) and allow the lad to be healed.
I was really quite excited when this strange man showed up at my court today, offering to take my daughter Snofrid to live with him for a year in a small isolated cabin in the woods and teach her all about negotiating and “closing deals,” after all, these are very useful skills to have. She would have been a real boon to the Duchy. Unfortunately, the money-lenders said I was not allowed to waste their loans on “foolish crap like that.”
Munster is causing more trouble then I thought possible.
We seized Trondelag in a battle so violent and overwhelming that it took us six days days to realize that almost two hundred of the enemy dead were in fact the Skallagrimsson family reunion, who simply chose a bad weekend and an even worse place to picnic.
This is it…the moment I have been waiting for. The Yngling menace is over. Now, the glorious and Holy Reign of the Crovans may commence in Norway! We shall be a beacon unto to the world!
And Haldor, son of the Devil and lover of inequity is given a small freehold on which to live out his days. Having appropriated his lands, titles, and heraldic devices, I have given him this pink shield as his new emblem. Go forth, vile Yngling, and live in obscurity and misery!
My second proclamation as the New King of Norway was a very pious one. I outlawed all money-lenders in the Kingdom and confiscated their ill-gotten gains for the glory and fiscal responsibility of God and his favorite servants, the Crovans.
Running such a vast kingdom is going to pose some problems. Now, I still have to deal with Munster (and Iceland – don’t think they’ve been forgotten in all of this), but my whole army is in Norway.
I’ve got it! I prayed and prayed all night for a solution and God has given me one. We shall simply fly to Munster! I gave orders for my army to assemble on the Preikestolen Cliffs. My plan was simple – and inexpensive – we would each hold the feet of a large African Swallow (two Swallows for horsemen) and then run off the cliff. The birds would simply fly us there.
If any bird tried to fly somewhere else, the soldier was to remind the bird that he would only let go once safely in Ireland.
The Holy Rollers seemed a little uncomfortable with the plan, but I have no doubt God would have put their minds at ease in no time.
My Marshal offered to handle the Munster war for me…he said I should have some serfs test out this brilliant scheme before I tried it with my entire army.
The Marshal is a Philistine. I only agreed because there were still Pagans loose in my new Kingdom, so the Crusade had to continue.
Duke of Western Isles of Leinster of Ulster of Meath and of Iceland
Ruminations on the later years, 1140
I should hope so Gilchrist, you are, after all, a Bishop.
Dear sick Magnus has been sent to Church School. Hopefully, God will see his holiness (and remember that I am doing his will!) and allow the lad to be healed.
I was really quite excited when this strange man showed up at my court today, offering to take my daughter Snofrid to live with him for a year in a small isolated cabin in the woods and teach her all about negotiating and “closing deals,” after all, these are very useful skills to have. She would have been a real boon to the Duchy. Unfortunately, the money-lenders said I was not allowed to waste their loans on “foolish crap like that.”
Munster is causing more trouble then I thought possible.
We seized Trondelag in a battle so violent and overwhelming that it took us six days days to realize that almost two hundred of the enemy dead were in fact the Skallagrimsson family reunion, who simply chose a bad weekend and an even worse place to picnic.
This is it…the moment I have been waiting for. The Yngling menace is over. Now, the glorious and Holy Reign of the Crovans may commence in Norway! We shall be a beacon unto to the world!
And Haldor, son of the Devil and lover of inequity is given a small freehold on which to live out his days. Having appropriated his lands, titles, and heraldic devices, I have given him this pink shield as his new emblem. Go forth, vile Yngling, and live in obscurity and misery!
My second proclamation as the New King of Norway was a very pious one. I outlawed all money-lenders in the Kingdom and confiscated their ill-gotten gains for the glory and fiscal responsibility of God and his favorite servants, the Crovans.
Running such a vast kingdom is going to pose some problems. Now, I still have to deal with Munster (and Iceland – don’t think they’ve been forgotten in all of this), but my whole army is in Norway.
I’ve got it! I prayed and prayed all night for a solution and God has given me one. We shall simply fly to Munster! I gave orders for my army to assemble on the Preikestolen Cliffs. My plan was simple – and inexpensive – we would each hold the feet of a large African Swallow (two Swallows for horsemen) and then run off the cliff. The birds would simply fly us there.
If any bird tried to fly somewhere else, the soldier was to remind the bird that he would only let go once safely in Ireland.
The Holy Rollers seemed a little uncomfortable with the plan, but I have no doubt God would have put their minds at ease in no time.
My Marshal offered to handle the Munster war for me…he said I should have some serfs test out this brilliant scheme before I tried it with my entire army.
The Marshal is a Philistine. I only agreed because there were still Pagans loose in my new Kingdom, so the Crusade had to continue.
Well, I guess Ossor was right about one thing: the plan was cheap. Killing every soldier in the army would cut costs rather dramatically! So Ossor has gone completely mad right when the Crovan family’s greatest goal has been achieved, oh Crusader Kings, you are so rich in irony! Oh author, you have no idea how to properly use the word ‘irony’! Anyway, join us next time for the Madness of King Ossor in the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!
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I agree. I would think that, in an AAR like this, madness at the pinnacle of success was a gift to the writer! Now Ossor can really get going.
Schizophrenia? :rofl: Ossor the King and Ossor the Messiah, a mix that must be stronger then the stench of a sewage pit.
You did reload after taking that King title, right? Because the reason why your debt disappeared is because the game now thinks you're an AI nation...
anonymous4401 said:
I don't remember if I did or didn't...I just remember looking at my treasury at some point and suddenly seeing I wasn't up to my ass in debt. So if I had reloaded, I would have kept all my poverty?
1140-1142
Let’s recap, shall we: the Crown is back in debt, the army is destroyed, the vassals are rebelling, Sweden is besieging the capital and Ossor is so insane that it is almost impossible to write as him. Is this the end of the Crovans or will Ossor somehow prevail? Find out on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!
Ossor Erlendsson Crovan
King of Norway, Sword of the Lord*
*(self-proclaimed)
Ruminations on the later years, 1140-1142
I load up about three regiments and my newest marshal, Marshal Ruadri. I have just appointed him Marshal because he, unlike certain Philistines, thinks my bird plan is super.
Anyway, we are going to kill some Pagans.
Meanwhile, the ex-marshal destroys Munster. Now all I need is 200 gold and dear Uncle Aslak can be a king.
I stopped off during the invasion to take little Skofte to his first day of Court School, so I missed the huge battle with Stenkil the Pagan. Marshal Ruadri assured me it was truly epic and the day was only saved through his strenuous efforts at marshalling.
I give him a raise. Good marshals are hard to find.
The rebel is my cousin, Bishop of the Western Isles and of Ross. As a bishop, he ought to know full well God’s plan for me. As a bishop, he should be supporting me in my role as exterminator of God’s enemies. Clearly, he is a bishop in league with Old Scratch.
So, Satan, you seek to even set Crovans against me?
Reports from Ireland are just as crazy. Somehow evil Cousin Torstein Halkjellsson has seized power in Mide and broken with the crown. How is this happening? Who would even listen to that guy?
Another vassal broke away today. I’m not sure who it was. I forgot to let the messenger finish his speech before I had him broken on the wheel.
Moray declares independence via a paper airplane thrown into a castle window.
God, I do not understand? Have I not spent every waking moment fulfilling your will? Have I ever defied you? No. Not even one time! All I do is work and slave and make war so that you can reign over a perfect universe free of Pagans and Saracens and Ynglings. With Norway, I finally had the power, Lord, the Power to finish off your Scottish foes and the Pagans! How is this happening?
That is your answer God? Can’t you just go back to killing my children when I fail to do your bidding?
The most learned priests in the realm were gathered for a Synod, so I could find out how I was accidentally defying God. They came to the conclusion that I was not letting the clergy collect enough cash from the free peasants. I told them to rob the bloody peasants blind if it will make God happy!
I could not spend all year on such delicate theological questions as the accursed Swedes were preparing to assault the capital.
I had a great plan…I had the Holy Rollers lay out in a large field with tall grass. It was the easiest approach to Viken, so I knew vile King Inge would take the path. Each man lay down in rows and companys, with spaces between. The idea was that Inge’s army would march through us and past us, then we would jump up and sneak attack them in the back. Like I said. Sheer genius.
It would seem I forgot one thing: horses. Unfortunately, King Inge decided to gallop across the field with his cavalry, trampling most of the Holy Rollers to death. I really wish Marshal Ruadri had been here so I could have pinned the blame on him.
King of Norway, Sword of the Lord*
*(self-proclaimed)
Ruminations on the later years, 1140-1142
I load up about three regiments and my newest marshal, Marshal Ruadri. I have just appointed him Marshal because he, unlike certain Philistines, thinks my bird plan is super.
Anyway, we are going to kill some Pagans.
Meanwhile, the ex-marshal destroys Munster. Now all I need is 200 gold and dear Uncle Aslak can be a king.
I stopped off during the invasion to take little Skofte to his first day of Court School, so I missed the huge battle with Stenkil the Pagan. Marshal Ruadri assured me it was truly epic and the day was only saved through his strenuous efforts at marshalling.
I give him a raise. Good marshals are hard to find.
The rebel is my cousin, Bishop of the Western Isles and of Ross. As a bishop, he ought to know full well God’s plan for me. As a bishop, he should be supporting me in my role as exterminator of God’s enemies. Clearly, he is a bishop in league with Old Scratch.
So, Satan, you seek to even set Crovans against me?
Reports from Ireland are just as crazy. Somehow evil Cousin Torstein Halkjellsson has seized power in Mide and broken with the crown. How is this happening? Who would even listen to that guy?
Another vassal broke away today. I’m not sure who it was. I forgot to let the messenger finish his speech before I had him broken on the wheel.
Moray declares independence via a paper airplane thrown into a castle window.
God, I do not understand? Have I not spent every waking moment fulfilling your will? Have I ever defied you? No. Not even one time! All I do is work and slave and make war so that you can reign over a perfect universe free of Pagans and Saracens and Ynglings. With Norway, I finally had the power, Lord, the Power to finish off your Scottish foes and the Pagans! How is this happening?
That is your answer God? Can’t you just go back to killing my children when I fail to do your bidding?
The most learned priests in the realm were gathered for a Synod, so I could find out how I was accidentally defying God. They came to the conclusion that I was not letting the clergy collect enough cash from the free peasants. I told them to rob the bloody peasants blind if it will make God happy!
I could not spend all year on such delicate theological questions as the accursed Swedes were preparing to assault the capital.
I had a great plan…I had the Holy Rollers lay out in a large field with tall grass. It was the easiest approach to Viken, so I knew vile King Inge would take the path. Each man lay down in rows and companys, with spaces between. The idea was that Inge’s army would march through us and past us, then we would jump up and sneak attack them in the back. Like I said. Sheer genius.
It would seem I forgot one thing: horses. Unfortunately, King Inge decided to gallop across the field with his cavalry, trampling most of the Holy Rollers to death. I really wish Marshal Ruadri had been here so I could have pinned the blame on him.
Let’s recap, shall we: the Crown is back in debt, the army is destroyed, the vassals are rebelling, Sweden is besieging the capital and Ossor is so insane that it is almost impossible to write as him. Is this the end of the Crovans or will Ossor somehow prevail? Find out on the next exciting episode of The Adventures of the Crovan Clan!
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